Guest Justyna Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I have my last meeting tonight with the church peoplem...I dont know what to say. I dont even know why I am going to be honest. I guess I feel that is the polite thing to do...but I am going tonight. DO I tell them that I am not coming back or do I just not come back and let them figure it out for themselves. Thing is that I am seeing these counsellors that are giving me guidance etc..do I just cut that off. Sorry if I sound like a little kid and not a funtioning human being by asking these questions in the first place....its part of the problem I have and need to readjust with time. Anway...do I say anything to them or just not come back ever? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted September 9, 2009 Super Moderator Share Posted September 9, 2009 I just stopped going. Eventually I bumped into a couple of the congregation and they asked where I was going to church now. Rather than putting a target on my back I simply responded that I was still looking around. I don't know the specifics of your church, but my experience seems rather common around here. Out of sight, out of mind. DO NOT agree to any meetings with church officials or "concerned" members. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Justyna Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I agree with you about the NO MEETING THING at any cost. I know they will be concerned for me if I tell them the truth. If I dont tell them, they will call me next week to set up another appoinment for our counselling meeting and then what am I suppose to do? Just keep ignoring them? I think I am just going to tell them something like I have other priorities in my life and I cant come to church right now. If they ask to schedule a meeting about this, I will definitely say no..thanks for the advice florduh....When I started doing the counselling sessions with them, they said that I can go as far as I want to go or stop whenever I want...so thats what I will tell them, that things have gone as far as I want them to. You all are good here....those that have been there already that is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShallowByThyGame Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Whenever I've quit a social group, be it political or religious, I've done it cold turkey. Never had any regrets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueGiant Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Really, I'd just leave and not say anything. If you feel that you have to say something to certain individuals, to be fair to them, then do so privately. Public announcements of "I'm leaving" rarely do anything but stir up the busybodies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyle Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Eh, I just quit going. My mom asked me why, and I simply responded "I'd rather be doing other things" and left it at that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RabbleRabble Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 For a short time I felt like I might be obligated to let my church leadership know what was going on, but as I thought about it I realised that although they were supposed to be my spiritual leaders I wasn't actually personally close to any of them. I didn't owe them an expanation. I let me attendance become sporadic and then stopped attending completely. I had some calls from a couple people inviting me to bible classes which I just turned down without explanation. I received one note from an elder which I ignored. I got many calls from a good friend asking me when I would be coming and eventually just told her that I was in the process of questioning things and did not plan to return anytime soon. She is sure to have passed that on to those who were pressuring her about my whereabouts. I still run into people from my old church around town and the conversation is usually limited to a "hello, how are you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OpheliaGinger Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I stopped going and got not a single call. Churches really don't care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 When I left a church I had been attending for 5 years I only got two telephone calls. It was not a problem and I didn't tell them anything. One of the people who called I knew it was her job. The other was a genuine good person and I still do miss her. But I never went back except for maybe once or twice. Nothing was ever said. I recommend a clean break. Just stop going. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ephymeris Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Eh, they told me I wasn't welcome there by the preacher and cronies so I stopped going. My friends knew why I stopped going and all the other old farts just didn't care. No one called to ask me to come back though I did have people tell me "it wasn't right what they did." I had been very involved in that church for 10 years and actually, I did go back to that church twice after that. I was getting married and some of the church ladies (who my friend's moms) threw me a bridal shower there and I even got married at that church. However, I brought in my own officiant and didn't invite the standing church administration to the ceremony. How did I manage that? I have my ways Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Ummm...are these actually certified, professional counselors or simply church-members/leaders? If the first, keep going IF they are honestly being objective sounding boards for you. If the second, RUN!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John09 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I also just quit going. Actually, I had only been showing up every other week. Then I just quit. I have yet to hear from anyone there. I haven't run into anyone from church since I quit going. I would never go to a meeting if they asked me to. The real struggle I have is how most Christians respond to someone leaving their faith. They want to show up at your house and all pray over you, or, perhaps, tell everyone in the whole town the devil has you. Gossip spreads through the Christian community like wildfires up a timbered hill. I wish you the best in making the best decision for yourself in this scenario. Christians can be mean and manipulative when they think one of their own is being a deserter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
godlessgrrl Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I stopped going to church when I separated from my first husband. We'd been going to a Presbyterian church together and had been moderately involved with it; ex was friends with the pastor's son, and we'd gone to Bible study and whatnot there, gotten married there, attended small group, stuff like that. So we had a few church friends there. When ex and I split up I just didn't go anymore, in part because I wanted to make sure that he had a safe community to be in where he wouldn't have to interact with me if he didn't want to, and in part because I was questioning things and had moved on (though at the time I was still Christian). I don't know if folks there figured out that we'd split up, but one day I was invited to dinner with one of said church friends. I can't remember why I decided to go, but it turned out to be a very uncomfortable evening. No one was rude or unkind, but it turns out the associate pastor and his wife were there too, and conversation was dominated by my collapsing marriage and all sorts of scrutiny about what I had or hadn't done to fix it, and whether or not I was going to reconcile with my then-spouse. In another frame of mind I probably would have declined. But in any event that was the last I heard from anyone at that church. And that was almost 10 years ago. My ex has remained active there. He's in the choir and was a deacon for awhile. So I stopped going, yes, but it wasn't because I was an atheist at that point. That came much, much later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRDWarrior Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I just stopped going - no one seemed to miss me, hubby quit shortly after I did, no one seemed to miss him, either. If you have regularly scheduled meetings with a specific person, then just give them a call and let them know you'll be stopping the meetings due to whatever - too busy is a good excuse. Otherwise, just keep it to yourself and stop going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheYoYo Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Yeah, I did. But I'd been living abroad for several months, so most people probably wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't gone back. My accountability partner, my housemate and her boyfriend already knew, and possibly a few other people, so I'm guessing the news would have got out eventually, if anyone had asked. But I decided, when I was back in the area, to go back to church one last time, mostly to see all the people who I hadn't seen much over the past few months. And I felt that I owed it to them not to just disappear. They're mostly really great people, and I'd have felt very mean to just disappear with no explanation. So I decided, after the service, to go up to Peter (the vicar) and tell him I wouldn't be coming back to church in the new term. He asked why, of course, and I told him outright that I wasn't a Christian anymore. I said that I'd realised I never had any good reasons to believe, I never should have been a Christian in the first place. He said that he respected me, and that I'd always be welcome to come in for coffee after the service if I wanted to see people. That's about it. I plan to stay in touch with people from my old church, because I have some good friends there, though a lot have graduated and moved away by now. Normally, most of the students went to the pub for lunch after church, so I think I'll go and join them for a meal every now and then. Everyone I've mentioned this to is cool with it, though of course some will be seeing it as an opportunity to reconvert me. That said, I think after a while I might just start to find them a bit too weird and christiany. If they start to freak me out too much, if I'm not enjoying their company any more, then I'll stop seeing them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vomit Comet Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 I moved away! To Las Vegas, of all places. I tried finding a church here but there wasn't much to pick from and I never ended up finding one I wanted to stay at. And then, a couple years later, I deconverted. Nobody from back home has any idea and I intend to keep it that way. None of them have tried to contact me in a couple of years, so I figure I'm in the clear. I just don't want the grief. My parting memories of them are pleasant and I don't want that to get shat upon. I don't want to have to get nasty with them and tell them to fuck off, and I don't want them attempting to stage some kind of intervention. I want the past to stay in the past. The distance has been a blessing. Vegas is a big anonymous town and I don't have to worry about running into anyone that might remember me. Los Angeles is also huge but I always get a little paranoid when I visit home. In my particular little corner of the Los Angeles area, I could run into a church member at any time. In fact, the last time I was there, I went to Rite-Aid to buy condoms. I was about to stand in line but the lady working the checkout counter was from my old church! I literally ditched the condoms and everything else I was going to buy, hid my face, and shuffled my ass out the door. I went across town to Wal*Greens and bought my shit there. Not only would that lady have remembered me, she would have bugged the shit out of me and possibly gone all bat-shit dramatic in the middle of the store. I had run into an old friend and he had been tagging along with me while I was shopping for things. He said "dude, what the fuck?" when I ditched my shopping basket and got out of Dodge. I said "I don't wanna talk to that bitch!" and left it at that. He understood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Just1me Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I guess I don't understand why you wouldn't tell the leaders that you're not attending anymore or why you wouldn't want a meeting? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRDWarrior Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I guess I don't understand why you wouldn't tell the leaders that you're not attending anymore or why you wouldn't want a meeting? Because they really don't care - heck, my chiropractor is a member of the last church I attended, and NO ONE has contacted us to see what's up, and he hasn't asked. We met him through church, too. Many people know our numbers and where we live, so that's not an excuse. It doesn't matter to them, why should it to us? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Just1me Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I guess I don't understand why you wouldn't tell the leaders that you're not attending anymore or why you wouldn't want a meeting? Because they really don't care - heck, my chiropractor is a member of the last church I attended, and NO ONE has contacted us to see what's up, and he hasn't asked. We met him through church, too. Many people know our numbers and where we live, so that's not an excuse. It doesn't matter to them, why should it to us? I hear that excuse all the time. I guess I would want to think of myself as a better person than they are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShallowByThyGame Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Should escaped slaves have left notes for their owners? Sometimes a clean break is better in the long run. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smellincoffee Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I left church at the exact same time I left town for university studies. From their perspective, I went off to college and didn't come back. Of course, my parents still go there and tell people I'm not in church anymore. I thought about writing letters to people to tell them, but the good people here warned me off. That was two years ago: I'm glad they did. In retrospect I realize how futile trying to communicate would have been. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mongo Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I'm like Smellinthecoffee. I transferred from the small town where I went to church and moved to a big city and never looked back. As Paul Simon so aptly says... You just slip out the back, Jack Make a new plan, Stan You don't need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free Hop on the bus, Gus You don't need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free Yea man!! Mongo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vomit Comet Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 As Paul Simon so aptly says... I didn't know it was him who did that song. Always hated it, too. Almost as bad as the "see you later alligator" song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
★ Citsonga ★ Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 I've never told anyone from church why I've quit attending, apart from my wife (of course) and one friend whom I wrote a lengthy letter to after he inquired about what was going on. Anyway, I basically started missing church occasionally, then missing more and more (still going some because I knew my wife wanted me to), until I just stopped altogether last winter (I did go once this year when my parents were visiting, but otherwise I haven't set foot in a church since last year). The current pastor at the church did ask me a couple times when I was there if I would like to get together for coffee. I politely informed him that I don't drink coffee (which I don't, but of course that wasn't the real reason for not wanting to bother meeting with him). So I've avoided talking to him about it. I'm technically still a member at the church, since I didn't cancel it. Evidently the church secretary has removed my email address from the prayer chain list, though, since I haven't been getting them for a while (thankfully). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRDWarrior Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 I guess I don't understand why you wouldn't tell the leaders that you're not attending anymore or why you wouldn't want a meeting? Because they really don't care - heck, my chiropractor is a member of the last church I attended, and NO ONE has contacted us to see what's up, and he hasn't asked. We met him through church, too. Many people know our numbers and where we live, so that's not an excuse. It doesn't matter to them, why should it to us? I hear that excuse all the time. I guess I would want to think of myself as a better person than they are. Thing is, I really don't care. Not a matter of being a better person, I wasn't a "contributing member" so to speak, just another butt in the pew, so it's not like I left anything (or anyone) hanging. I would consider it a bit rude if I did stuff there, but as a woman, I was limited to kitchen and nursery at that church, neither of which do I do (even at home) so other than chat with the occasional person, I was just there - and then, not there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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