A Birthday Surprise.

[bolianbob]

I have been in the process of de-converting from the faith for the last four months. I let my parents know about the turn my life has taken last month. Initially they were supportive, but they still let their faith be known to me. Tonight, however, it took on another turn. It was my birthday supper, I am turning 26 tomorrow, My parents and my sister were just finishing up our dinner, when my mom thought this must have been the perfect time to remind me about the love of Christ--while still sitting in the restaurant. So, she goes on to tell me, and to an extent my sister, that she (my mom) knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that we will return to Christ one day, because once you are saved, you are always saved. She continued to say that she just wishes that when I do return home to the fold, it will be through joy, and not through sorrow. I was fine with this at that point, she talked in a very excited, very absolute manner, something that happens when the joy of Jesus touches your life. But as she continued on, and I tried to rationalize with her, telling her that that is her belief and that I could no longer share in it, she would not relent, tears started to well up within her. I asked her, as a parent, would you create a house, have me, then take me to the basement and show me all the torture devices that you created, and then tell me, that if I didn't love you back that she would send me there forever? She said no, she wouldn't do that. I said then why does your God? Isn't your God a God of unconditional love?? She said He is! He loves us unconditionally that he sent Christ to save us from our sins. She said, Christ is the condition. Unconditional love has a condition?? I don't understand.

 

But, I was still being patient with her, I completely understood what and why she was saying these things; if I were in her shoes and believed what she still believes, I would have done the exact same thing. But as I was walking to the car, I looked at my sister and I said, "She's done this to me my entire life." A guilt trip. An utter guilt trip.

 

In the car, I finally had to let loose, I told them that I had more grace then their so called God. I told them that I would never force my belief onto them, and that regardless of my new beliefs I in fact continue to love them unconditionally. Then it just went on from there, I told them that their belief is no different in it's systematic worldview then any other religion. I said the only reason I came to Christ as a child was because of fear.

 

I at one point said, what happens if I bring a boy home to meet you one day? My dad, the one who has in the past said he would accept me, said, No. I then reminded him, that when he and my mom renewed their vows this summer, that he specifically turned to me and said that he was going to learn to love me and my sister unconditionally. I pressed the issue, but when my dad's back is up against a wall he turns into a little child.

 

Then, my mom starts crying, and then I start crying. I said, so you are going to accept your Christ over your own children? My dad in anger, said yes. He has since come down to apologize. Which is really nice; however, I am really in a state of limbo right now.

 

How is it possible that I have the qualities that their so called Holy Spirit instills upon them??? Why am I the accepting one? Why am I the one who is grace filled? Why am I the one who can tolerate christianity, but they can not tolerate me??? Maybe this is good this has happened. Maybe some of the rational arguments I made will spring up within their minds one day.

 

Oddly, I don't feel as angry about this as I did before. Perhaps this needed to come out. I just can't live my life under my mother's shadow. I've done it my entire life. She and I are so a like, but this has to stop. I know she will come to me soon and ask for forgiveness, and of course, I am going to give it to her; she is my mother, no one else could have given me life, (excluding my dad of course).

 

It's been very hard these last few days being at home, not because of my parents, but because of my new out look on life. I'm on meds for depression, and I have anxiety issues; and that springs into overdrive when I retreat into my philosophical mind. I'm taking steps through this process, but of course, fear still plays a part of my being. I just hope that this scenarios doesn't add to my already heightened state of emotion.

 

Thanks for taking reading this guys, I really appreciate the fact that this website exists.

[bolianbob]

Well, my mom did come and apologize, and I do appreciate that. I told her I forgive her, and I emphasized the I. I said I forgive her because I love her.

 

She said she wanted to clear up the unconditional love argument this way: As a parent she would set up a boundary for her child so the child wouldn't hurt himself. I wanted to press the issue, but I don't have it within me right now. I'm just so utterly tired right now.

[Legion]

I think this is the hardest part of leaving Christianity behind.

 

Hang in there Bolianbob.

[HRDWarrior]

The guilt trips can be very difficult to deal with, honestly the easiest way to avoid them is to not be there - you may still have them, but at least you're more distanced. I became a much more stable person once I was no longer living at home - not sure if you're only there temporarily or not, but either way, I'd keep visits to very short for a few years.

 

As for how they feel about the subject, well, we can empathize - they feel like they are losing you for eternity. Granted, there's zero proof for their eternity, but some christian parents are willing to lose kids "in this life" in order to "save them for eternity." It's terribly sad, but I think the majority of parents get over it eventually.

 

May be time to set up some boundries - I recently did that with my mother, and it has worked rather well in keeping the peace between us. Yes, there ends up being an elephant in the room so to speak, but at least our conversations are much more pleasant. I told my mom that religion and theology was all off limits, and if any conversation turned that way, that I would end the conversation - if she insisted, then I would hang up or walk away. She hasn't brought it up since then, and things have been much more pleasant for both of us I think. Rather than argueing a losing fight, simply remind your parents that you know what they believe but this is between you and "god" and you need to find out what YOU believe. Argueing won't get you anywhere - if they aren't interested in learning another view, then they won't. They know they can ask you if they are interested, leave it at that.

[bolianbob]

Thanks guys for your support.

 

You're right warrior, I need to set up some boundaries with my childhood home. I am beginning to realize that this is probably why this scenario played out last nite. I am stilled 'tied' to the notion of familial authority, or the familial home, and for a time, that served a purpose and place in my life. It allowed to grow and mature, and find a place within this world. But now, I am at a point in my life, where I not only need to physically leave the nest, but I need to leave the spiritual/emotional nest as well. I need to create my own sense of family, or being within myself. Yes, my parents are still going to be apart of me, but, I can no longer live by their thoughts and whims. I love them dearly, and I truly feel the loss of what is to take place, but I have to do this for my own sanity. Going to be tough, but that is how we learn.

[bolianbob]

I hope I am not breaking any forum rules here by posting a reply after another reply of my own. I have been to other forums where doing so is considered very taboo; for whatever reason I am not sure.

 

I want to quickly update you on what has transpired since my birthday nite a few days ago. Sunday morning my mom was in obvious emotional distress. I wasn't quite throbbingly angry with her, but I didn't feel the need to discuss anything with her at that time. She left me a present by the computer, and she came to apologize again for her behavior, the prior nite. I was grateful, but still, I did not want to reciprocate. But before I left ( I have since moved out of my parents home) I went to her room, and we both made great amends with each other. Her and I are very tight, very close. I'm starting to choke up here. I love my mother so beyond deeply, or anything spiritually. She is my mother. I know she feels the exact same way, and I realize how hard this is for her right now. Not only am I bi, leaving the faith, but she is also going through menopause. She was very emotional; it was a great moment of the love between mother and son.

[Vixentrox]

We are pretty easy going about what you can post. Don't sweat it.

[Ro-bear]

I hope I am not breaking any forum rules here by posting a reply after another reply of my own. I have been to other forums where doing so is considered very taboo; for whatever reason I am not sure.

 

Git the rope, boys! We goin' to string up a double-poster!

[GraphicsGuy]

That's right! String him up!

 

Seriously man, that's rough. It's awesome that you're standing up for yourself though. Better to have it out now than 20 years down the road...

[bolianbob]

Oh shit, I knew I should have been more careful reading the forum rules. Now I got the SS riding my back.

 

I agree Mark, I am glad I am taking this path at this point in my life. It just oddly seems like the perfect time to be doing it.

I see you are from Alberta Mark, whereabouts in the greatest place on earth do you live?