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Why Does The Anger Stay?


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So I'm surfing the web this morning, like I normally do, and I look out my front window and see a well dressed couple walking up to my door. EVANGELISTS! I jump up and out to the garage but DAMNIT, I used up the last of the bleach doing my whites 2 days ago. My sister is still asleep in her room, so my next thought was to drop trou and answer the door naked, but in that split second I had to decide, I instead open the door and before it was even completely open I spewed out something like:

 

"get the fuck off my property with your stupid ass fucking jesus shit. Your god can lick my asshole clean, it's the only thing he's fucking good for. Come back when you can fucking think for yourself!"

 

As soon as I started speaking the woman turned and started down the driveway to the street, but the man's face was priceless. He had a frozen welcome smile that slowly turned into a "WTF?" look as his mouth fell more and more open. As I was closing the door and said the think for yourself part, the man replies, "we do", VERY meekly, and so I open the door again and said

"the fuck you do! You believe in magical invisible sky daddies and your so insecure about it you have to walk around and try to convince other people in your invisible friend too. You know NOBODY want to listen to you fucking jesus bullshit, so do yourself a favor and go the fuck home."

 

The last time they came by I had a lot of fun with them, a glass of bleach, and Mark 16:17. This time I could have had fun watching their reaction to me opening the door buck naked, but instead, I let loose some wrath that still surprises me exists inside me. I want to rid myself of this anger, but it just doesn't seem to go away. I even had a brief thought of following them around the neighborhood harassing them until the drove away, but it was a brief thought.

 

Perhaps it's because I am always fucked with by xtains. Even when I try to get help for myself, as in the therapist I saw last year, she turns out to be a xtain that tried to tell me it was only my brand of xtainity that was wrong, not the whole sceme. I just can not get away from them, which is another reason I need to go somewhere like Chicago. I need to be out of the south.

 

How do you work past this anger? I left the church when I was 15, and I'm 32 now. In many ways I'm more angry now than I was when I left at 15.

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Thanks Phanta, I always appreciate your thoughts. The thing that surprises me is how I don't really have control over the anger. It wasn't until I closed the door this morning that I actually realized what I did. It's almost like someone else took over for a second, let loose on them, and then I came back.

 

Part of my anger just simply comes from the fact that they are bothering me @ 9:30 on a Saturday morning. I'd be mad at the girl scouts if they did that. But I've had xtian business partners (for 10 years) that have skipped town leaving me with $1200 of their debt to deal with, xtian bosses that preach at me and leave books for me to read, etc etc. I have seldom had a good experience with a xtian.

 

And I know I need to see another therapist, but I've seen 2 in my life and they both have been douche bags. When I was 19 and away at school living with my GF/unofficial fiance, I walked in on her fucking another guy. We broke up, and I was having alot of trouble dealing with that away from all my real friends and family, so I went to talk with a therapist. He was a man, and his tone of voice with me was very much interpreted as "why don't you grow some balls, stop crying, and be a man? Oh, and take these drugs.". When I refused to take mood altering drugs, he may as well have said "well, then you're doomed to be depressed for the rest of your life". Then I was seeing the xtian therapist to deal specifically with my anger issues. It didn't come out right away she was a xtian, but I knew I shoulda asked some questions when I saw the dead man on a stick she had tied around her neck.

 

I have no insurance, and so it is very difficult to find a therapist that charges on a sliding scale here. I was seeing xtian woman under my dad's insurance cause since he and I have our own issues we went to family therapy. My father has recently said to just find a therapist and he will pay it out of his own pocket, which is what I've been trying to hint at for a long time. I complained daily about going to that xtian school, and they ignored me. Now that that church fucked them and they've left, I think they see what I was talking about all these years, and I guess feel a little bit of guilt over fucking me up. Part of my anger is at them because I have to do a lot of work to clean up the mess they made in my head. I don't feel I should have to pay for the therapy, so at least he's willing to foot the bill...

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Marty, I highly recommend reading "the phases of deconversion" thread Here. It may not all apply to you, but it's a good guide. Anger at xianity for the torture we endured is normal, but it can be overcome. Anger hurts you, not them.

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Best of luck to ya.

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I had a guy and his son come to my front door. Before they had a chance to say anything, i said, 'no, go away.' My anger has subsided a bit over the years but some still remains. I think it is because I feel betrayed for being told by my parents, other family members, and church goers that what I believed was true without exception. It took me over 40 years to get out of that brain washing, money laundering (tithes) scam called Christianity. It angers me that people still come around trying to get me to return to the church. That is what gets me angry. The brain dead refuse to accept that what they believe in is total ether. I have a no evangelism sign on my door now. I can relate.

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I'm not a huge help in the anger department, but I know for myself redirecting my thoughts before and after an encounter really helps - I will focus on something that really matters and is worth my mental time (or not, but is at least a different topic). In general i don't get riled up about stuff, so that's part of it for me.

 

On another note, however, I've found that my big, black, trained-in-German, German Shepherd is a great deterant for most any door to door sales person! For some reason people seem more nervous about my dog who's down in a platz just staring at them than a dog I'd have to be holding back by the collar :D That calm, cool, intense stare makes people itchy to get awaywicked.gif

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I don't know if it's the anger or the way the anger is dismissed and you're essentially told you can't be angry or feel what you're feeling about this certain thing so it makes it that much worse. It's like "It's normal to be upset. Oh, but not about xianity. You're a fuck head if you're pissed about that. You must cease and desist immediately. Only happy thoughts for xianity. You must be pretty fucked up to be feeling wrong about that." So you're just diminished and made out to feel worse and worse until you don't want to say anything but you're still pissed since you can't say shit. Then maybe you wind up being passive aggressive when you don't mean to be. Everyone else gets acknowledged but we're told to "deal" since we have it all wrong anyhow.

 

mwc

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How come I never get to have fun with real life Evangelists? All I get are stupid e-mails telling me how much Jebus loves me... :(

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Mark, I think it has to be in a JW neighborhood - and (in my experience, at least) they target the poorer areas of town, so you're probably better off not seeing 'em. :P

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Mark, I think it has to be in a JW neighborhood - and (in my experience, at least) they target the poorer areas of town, so you're probably better off not seeing 'em. :P

 

Ha! Although I live in a kind of ritzy residential area 4 blocks from the intercostal waterway and 5 minutes from the beach, our house is the "run down" one that brings the whole neighborhood's value down. :HaHa: Not really, but our house needs new windows, shutters, paint job, etc. Compared to the other houses, ours kinda stands out. We just don't have the money to put into it; the rest of the block looks modern, we're stuck in 1975. lol!

 

It is a religious area though, we get these people at least 4 or 5 times a year between my place and my folks house in the next town.

 

I don't know if it's the anger or the way the anger is dismissed and you're essentially told you can't be angry or feel what you're feeling about this certain thing so it makes it that much worse. It's like "It's normal to be upset. Oh, but not about xianity. You're a fuck head if you're pissed about that. You must cease and desist immediately. Only happy thoughts for xianity. You must be pretty fucked up to be feeling wrong about that." So you're just diminished and made out to feel worse and worse until you don't want to say anything but you're still pissed since you can't say shit. Then maybe you wind up being passive aggressive when you don't mean to be. Everyone else gets acknowledged but we're told to "deal" since we have it all wrong anyhow.

 

That's a good point. The one thing that xtian therapist did that was good was get some feelings I've had locked away for years out in the open with my parents, especially my father. I've held a lot of things in for my entire life, and one of the "themes" in my childhood is everyone dismissed every thought or opinion I had without ever listening to me. So it's not just my anger that is dismissed, but rather most of myself was dismissed as a child, which has left me rather self conscious as an adult. I'm not sure how much xtianity had to do with that mentality, or if that was just my family dynamic I was born into, but I've "chosen" to vent most all of it at the church. I was dismissed a lot there to, boy, do I have stories, so perhaps it's a valid outlet.

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I jump up and out to the garage but DAMNIT, I used up the last of the bleach doing my whites 2 days ago.

 

My first thought was that you were going to ruin their suits by splashing them with bleach.

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So I'm surfing the web this morning, like I normally do, and I look out my front window and see a well dressed couple walking up to my door. EVANGELISTS! I jump up and out to the garage but DAMNIT, I used up the last of the bleach doing my whites 2 days ago....

 

The last time they came by I had a lot of fun with them, a glass of bleach, and Mark 16:17.

 

I first had a wtf moment with those "bleach" comments, but now I see that you must have meant Mark 16:18, which talks about drinking poison. LMAO, I'd love to hear how the previous evangelists responded to that!

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So I'm surfing the web this morning, like I normally do, and I look out my front window and see a well dressed couple walking up to my door. EVANGELISTS! I jump up and out to the garage but DAMNIT, I used up the last of the bleach doing my whites 2 days ago....

 

The last time they came by I had a lot of fun with them, a glass of bleach, and Mark 16:17.

 

I first had a wtf moment with those "bleach" comments, but now I see that you must have meant Mark 16:18, which talks about drinking poison. LMAO, I'd love to hear how the previous evangelists responded to that!

 

**EDIT**

OK, I figured out what I was doing wrong with the search function, I need to include all the years I've been here if I want to seach all my posts. ANyway, here is my post on the bleach incident.

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?/topic/26258-i-finally-did-it/page__p__400208__fromsearch__1entry400208

 

Yea, I can't find the post, it was about a year or so ago. It was the best; 2 teenage girls with their father hanging out by the street. I interupted the first girl as she started her speech and told her I'd love to talk about salvation with them, but I hope she understood I have to determine if they are true xtians or not. They agreed that was something important to determine, so I asked the to turn to Mark 16. As they were finding the passage, I poured a glass of lemmon scented bleach for them and then offered it to the first girl.

 

"I'm not gonna drink that" she says to me as if I am the crazy one.

 

"why not? Jesus says you won't die. Are you saying jesus is a liar?"

 

"NO! What I'm saying is..."

 

"well, it seems to me you shouldn't be knocking on people's doors trying to sell something you don't believe in yourself, so both of you go fuck youselves, OK?" (there's that anger again).

 

It was a lot of fun and I had waited several years for the chance to do that. I saw the a few streets over later on, and I stopped and said "I'm sorry girls. I just hope you learn one day to think critically and not just blindly follow what others tell you to do."

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That's hilarious, Marty. I'll have to keep that in mind for future reference. Maybe I should also get a pet rattlesnake just to see if they'll do the venomous snake handling. ;)

 

I'm actually surprised that I don't get more evangelists where I live now. I've been here for the past four years, barely more than a stone's throw from a Kingdom Hall and only about a half mile from a very conservative looking church. Though there is occasionally propaganda in our door, I've only twice encountered street evangelists here. Both times were earlier this year, and both times I had places to go and didn't have time to converse with them. My wife has had some come a couple times when I wasn't home, but not often. I thought we'd be getting Jehovah's Witnesses at our door within a week or two of moving in here, but it actually took quite a while.

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So I'm surfing the web this morning, like I normally do, and I look out my front window and see a well dressed couple walking up to my door. EVANGELISTS! I jump up and out to the garage but DAMNIT, I used up the last of the bleach doing my whites 2 days ago....

 

The last time they came by I had a lot of fun with them, a glass of bleach, and Mark 16:17.

 

I first had a wtf moment with those "bleach" comments, but now I see that you must have meant Mark 16:18, which talks about drinking poison. LMAO, I'd love to hear how the previous evangelists responded to that!

 

**EDIT**

OK, I figured out what I was doing wrong with the search function, I need to include all the years I've been here if I want to seach all my posts. ANyway, here is my post on the bleach incident.

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?/topic/26258-i-finally-did-it/page__p__400208__fromsearch__1entry400208

 

Yea, I can't find the post, it was about a year or so ago. It was the best; 2 teenage girls with their father hanging out by the street. I interupted the first girl as she started her speech and told her I'd love to talk about salvation with them, but I hope she understood I have to determine if they are true xtians or not. They agreed that was something important to determine, so I asked the to turn to Mark 16. As they were finding the passage, I poured a glass of lemmon scented bleach for them and then offered it to the first girl.

 

"I'm not gonna drink that" she says to me as if I am the crazy one.

 

"why not? Jesus says you won't die. Are you saying jesus is a liar?"

 

"NO! What I'm saying is..."

 

"well, it seems to me you shouldn't be knocking on people's doors trying to sell something you don't believe in yourself, so both of you go fuck youselves, OK?" (there's that anger again).

 

It was a lot of fun and I had waited several years for the chance to do that. I saw the a few streets over later on, and I stopped and said "I'm sorry girls. I just hope you learn one day to think critically and not just blindly follow what others tell you to do."

 

When I was reading this I was thinking at that would be really cool to do. But at the same time I was thinking "what if they call your bluff." I mean do that enough times your bound to come across somebody crazy enough to do it. Heck I've met people who I wouldn't be shocked if they'd actually do it.

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I had some evangelists come to my door just the other week. But it was a sweet old granny at the door who was very polite, and I don't think English was her first language. For backup she had this young foxy redhead... I mean, wow. Hmmmmmmm... maybe I should've invited 'em in. :wicked:

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Priceless! Thanks, man. ;)

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My recent interlude with a Bible Fundamentalist at my door....

 

 

Me: "Sorry, but my world view consists of observation and rational thinking, not the directives of men writing stuff centuries ago who believed in killing witches or anybody who was different..."

 

Fundy, with a sneering, "I guess you believe in evolution, too...."

 

 

I buried his body under my compost box...

 

 

It's hard sometimes, to keep it under control with these people. It would be one thing to send some kind of interesting Christian intellectual to my door; but they seem to like sending out the nitwits. I wish Scientologists went door to door. That could get fun.

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When I was reading this I was thinking at that would be really cool to do. But at the same time I was thinking "what if they call your bluff." I mean do that enough times your bound to come across somebody crazy enough to do it. Heck I've met people who I wouldn't be shocked if they'd actually do it.

 

I've thought about that myself, and I seriously hope it happens someday. NOT because I want to be party to someone killing themselves, but to PROVE the bible is bullshit, no matter how much you believe in it. If it ever happened, I'm sure there'd be a local news report, etc. LOTS of people would then hear about the verse that says to drink poison, etc.

 

But really, I doubt anyone ever will. This exercise illustrates perfectly that no one really believes this shit; they all just go through the motions, only to different degrees. Anyone that does believe it truly, will not be found going door to door on a Saturday morning...

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When I was reading this I was thinking at that would be really cool to do. But at the same time I was thinking "what if they call your bluff." I mean do that enough times your bound to come across somebody crazy enough to do it. Heck I've met people who I wouldn't be shocked if they'd actually do it.

 

I've thought about that myself, and I seriously hope it happens someday. NOT because I want to be party to someone killing themselves, but to PROVE the bible is bullshit, no matter how much you believe in it. If it ever happened, I'm sure there'd be a local news report, etc. LOTS of people would then hear about the verse that says to drink poison, etc.

 

But really, I doubt anyone ever will. This exercise illustrates perfectly that no one really believes this shit; they all just go through the motions, only to different degrees. Anyone that does believe it truly, will not be found going door to door on a Saturday morning...

 

I remember a class which to at my biblical college. It was talking about how the proper way to follow the lord was to live by faith like the lord said somewhere in matthew (the parable about the sparrows, and the lillies). They hammered home the fact that full-time workers should live by faith alone and not be paid by any organization, as this would divide their loyalty. When we asked why it was that he and every other full time worker we knew of was supported by the church, he said it was because a bunch of full timers in China starved to death way back when.

 

On a related point I read that the JW's after every one of there failed end time prophecies experienced a large increase in growth as they became more desperate to proselytize.

 

I guess my point is that your probably right down in there heart of hearts they probably do realize that is all one big turd. That doesn't change the fact that they are desperate for it to be true, and I personally suspect that even if they did hear about these things it probably wouldn't do much.

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