DivaOfDarkness Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 I grew up in a Christian home, my earliest recollection was when I was 5 years old, and although my Father was pentecostal, and my Mother was non-denominational, we went to a Baptist Church. I remember that Church vaguely, but I do remember crying and accepting Jesus Christ as my "Lord and Savior". After being kicked out of that Baptist Church after a few months (because my Father got rightly upset when the Pastor asked for donations to buy a new car), my parents never attended Church again, but my Father strongly suggested that I attend a Church, so I did. When I was 12, I attended a Baptist Church and continued attending it for about three years. During the first week of attending, I again, accepted Jesus Christ as my "Lord and Savior", just to make sure I was saved, because I was so fearful of going to hell. I felt so warmly welcomed at Church for the first few months, but that all changed when suddenly all the sermons must have caught up with me. I suddenly felt so ashamed. My Church taught that we were sinners unworthy of God's love, they used Romans 3:23 to back up everything they had to say about sinners. Who was I to question? I was a worthless sinner lucky to have God love me. I took that more literal than I think they wanted people to. From that day forward I became super devout. I prayed every day, I read the bible almost everyday (the parts we were told to read, of course), I attended every Church event, I went to Bible Camp, I went door-to-door witnessing, and I witnessed to people online - but I just couldn't be good enough. When I was 13, my life completely fell apart, it's when I first realized that I was bisexual (later labeled what I was), I was so scared and so confused that I confided in someone at Church who I thought I could trust, but in return I found out how much God hates homosexuals, in forms of the Bible. All I could think about was "...but I thought God loved me, I didn't choose this, how can He hate me?" The bible backed it up. I already felt so unworthy of God's love, but now, I simply didn't have His love anymore. That's when I became completely obsessed with God, more than I was before. I became severely depressed, I started self-mutilating and contemplating suicide multiple times a day to cope. All I could think about was how much I loved God and I had to win His love back, and if I couldn't, I would kill myself. I felt so hopeless. When I prayed, I would weep. Nothing worked. God didn't answer my cry. Often times I would wrap something around my neck to make myself pass out simply so I didn't have to think about any of it. I would take tons of pain reliever at a time. When I was 14, I asked one of my online Christian friends what the Bible said about suicide, and the answer I got was not at all what I wanted to hear. "Suicide is an unforgivable sin." I was devastated. I loved God so much, I was an abomination to Him, and the only way I thought I could prove my love to Him was to kill myself, and I couldn't do that, without going to hell. I thought it couldn't get worse, but once I read the Bible for myself, it did. When I was 15, I started wearing all black, and I left the Church I was attending, because I felt unwelcome there by that time anyway, and between 15 and 16 I decided that the God of the Bible and the God I had experienced before were not the same God. So if the Christian God wasn't my God, which God was my God? I started reading whatever I could get my hands on. Books on Mormonism, Jehovah Witness, Wicca/Paganism, Taoism. None of it matched, so I stopped seeking religion, and would not let go of God, but the worthless feeling wouldn't go away, and I was very self-destructive. Getting drunk, smoking cigarettes, and eventually smoking weed for a little while. My life was nothing but pure devotion to a God I could not reach. I needed Him to love me so much, because I loved Him so damn much. He promised me that "He would never leave nor forsake me", but where was He? I started hallucinating. Seeing Satan's face in the wall of my bedroom at night, and hearing voices. I couldn't tell what was real anymore, and I couldn't feel pain, I become numb inside. I tried killing myself by overdose. I passed out and woke up disappointed. Between 17 and 18, I'm not entirely sure what happened, it's really a blur. I dabbled in to Modern Satanism for a bit, didn't enjoy the philosophy, but Satanism did help me realize that there may not be a God, and I guess as I slowly realized God gave up on me a long time before I finally started letting go of Him. I eventually, at 19, completely let go of God. It helped that my fiancee' was an Atheist and that I had moved away from my family when I was 18. Once I let go of God, my life started falling in to place, I had stopped all of my self-destructive behavior, including the self-mutilation. When I was 20 I got married and had my Son. 3 years have passed since then, and now I can say that... I do not believe in a deity, I have no need for the supernatural, I cherish the natural because it is all we have. I honor reality and keep my mind open to evidences of science in an endless search to better understanding our natural universe. I am an Atheist and a Secular Humanist, and not only am I alive, I am happy, for once, and... I survived Christianity!!! Thank you for reading this, I'm sorry it's so long, but I'm so glad I found this website! -DivaOfDarkness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShallowByThyGame Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 That is a very powerful story, and speaks to how healthy and liberating embracing natural reality can be. Thank you for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRDWarrior Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Thanks for sharing your story - some of it resonates with my own, which someday I should get down in print. Glad you've finally found that inner peace! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dB-Paradox Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Awesome story! As I started reading it, I was thinking, "This is ME!" Until I got to the bisexual part anyway! But basically, you and I have a very similar background in our Christian homes. I even dabbled a bit with the occult for a short stint. The one main difference between your story and mine, is that you got out a lot quicker than me...took me about 30 years in total! I know....OUCH! But getting back to the bisexual/gay thing....when I was a hardcore fundie, I used to agree that all gays and lesbians were "sinning" and needed to change their lifestyle. There was a popular saying in regards to that. Maybe it is something Christians still use, I don't know. But it says, "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve". (I know you're female, but you get the idea.) It wasn't until just a few years ago that my eyes were opened and I became properly "educated" regarding gay/lesbian/bi. I wish more people would take the time to get properly informed, rather than quickly judge. They preach that God will judge those who judge others, yet they feel they are off the hook for doing it? Give me a break! Anyway, thanks for sharing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Franko47 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 A powerful story, Diva. I could feel some of your previous misery coming right off the page. It must have been hell at times. Glad you made it OK. It's too bad that so many Christians fail to realize what their beliefs can put "other people" through. Welcome to the site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DivaOfDarkness Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 Thank you all so much for reading it, it means so much to know that your not alone in the ways you feel/felt and in leaving Christianity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DivaOfDarkness Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 Awesome story! As I started reading it, I was thinking, "This is ME!" Until I got to the bisexual part anyway! But basically, you and I have a very similar background in our Christian homes. I even dabbled a bit with the occult for a short stint. The one main difference between your story and mine, is that you got out a lot quicker than me...took me about 30 years in total! I know....OUCH! But getting back to the bisexual/gay thing....when I was a hardcore fundie, I used to agree that all gays and lesbians were "sinning" and needed to change their lifestyle. There was a popular saying in regards to that. Maybe it is something Christians still use, I don't know. But it says, "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve". (I know you're female, but you get the idea.) It wasn't until just a few years ago that my eyes were opened and I became properly "educated" regarding gay/lesbian/bi. I wish more people would take the time to get properly informed, rather than quickly judge. They preach that God will judge those who judge others, yet they feel they are off the hook for doing it? Give me a break! Anyway, thanks for sharing! I was very hypocritical about homosexuality for the first year or so after I realized I was myself, and to be honest I never really was able to accept that part of me until I stopped pursuing the Biblical God. When I was told by my "Christian friend" that homosexuals were going to hell she told me that phrase... "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve", and because I was struggling so much with not being able to balance my sexuality with my religious beliefs, I let out my anger that I had toward myself for being bisexual out on so many others, who were going through the same thing, in an attempt to deny who I was, to satisfy God. I wish I could find all of those people and try to apologize, but of course, it wouldn't change anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest AriFeannor Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 I'm glad for you that you found the inner strength and was able to live by your own morals which, by far, is the best other than the ones out of the bible. I can get along just fine with religious friends, but I still believe that any person of all religions is just another brick in the wall of delusion that poisons that can, even if the person is mild as can be, which adds a even more percentage to more extremists that have no respect for this planet which is all we have, killing and wiping out all things that everyone needs to survive. Striping the sea of of the wild life to feed this over populated earth and I don't think mother earth can take much more abuse. Believers don't care( not saying all of them, some are on the same pages as us, and want to preserve as much as possible as I can say most atheists agree) them selves because they are told to hate almost everything that doesn't abide by their beliefs. They are destroying the earth for our future generations of humans and wild life as well. I don't like religions but we can't win this war without alot of actual churches and christian/Muslims/Jews/Hindu's ect... We need to work to ever to save this beautiful earth and all other life forms on it as well, at the rate we are going, not only will we kill each other, we are going to leave devastating effects because of our majority's beliefs of that the return of Christ and/or what ever some others with there form of Armageddon. We will never get the world to see the actual truth(what ever that is), and help us take care of our planet so we or any other life forums can survive. But we need to try, they can believe what they want but we need us agnostics/atheists trying politely to get together with all religions and work to keep this planet in good shape before everything dies. I know I ramble I'm sorry, kind of lost the main subject. May our children forgive us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlw1980 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Great, GREAT testimony. Parts of it are very similar to my own, which I will share soon. I'm so glad you found your way out, too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Non-Redneck Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Glad you got out relatively early. Enjoy your freedom and a life apart from all that BS. Somewhat ironic isn't it? The Xians say that Jesus will bring life, but in actuality all he does is bring death. It's rejecting Jesus and Xianity that brings life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skepticaldude541 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I'm sorry to hear how much pain Christianity caused you. I wish the Christians I know could see the thousands of testimonies of people torn apart by Biblegod and his disgusting commands. I'm glad you made it out of Christianity alive, welcome to the board! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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