A Message To Ameen

[Abiyoyo]

This is an excerpt from Ex-C life, Ameens thread. I know Christians aren't suppose to reply to these threads, and not sure about what I have done here or not as being acceptable; but I felt the need to speak as I have mostly kept silent with this whole situation since it's conception.

 

I have a real need to discuss why I still feel violated by a Christian post about sexual identity in a non-debate thread and the way I was baited, mocked and sadistically torn apart by that Christian even after I told him to stop several times. It was like being in high school again, with the straight heterosexual alpha male everyone likes going at me yet again. And that's what's really going on here. Everyone likes this Christian, so he can do whatever he wants with no consequences.

 

Ameen,

 

I normally come to this site, check my messages, check to see if I have had any responses by searching my name in the search box, which is how I am seeing all the things being written and discussed about me. Our original interaction was on October 11th. That is approximately 22 days ago. The last post I have placed on this site before today was on October 21st, 12 days ago.

 

I hope this is enlightening to you and I hope that you do not take this the wrong way. In that 22 days since our interaction, my entire life, my being, my faith in my God, and my physical body has been jeopardized. I am far from any Christian at this point in my life, and will do whatever I have to do to get through my pains from my life. Pains that I can't change, pains that have been inflicted in my life since our encounter. I post on this site because I am accepted here, simple as that. People point the finger at me in negative ways because they either don't know me, haven't followed my writings here, or simply can't accept that I claim to be a Christian and speak, write, and act the way that I do.

 

I have accepted this of me, and have in my real life dealt with many conflicts of the same degree.

 

In these 22 days many things have happened. My wife has cheated on me, I had my life threatened with someone coming to my house, I had to go from peaceful to going and buying ammo for my weapons in case this person comes around again. I My wife and I have fought, argued, and with her condition, things have not been pretty. She has Intermittent Explosive Disorder, which causes her to go into violent rages.

 

To cope with everything, I have been drinking myself to death, everyday at night, for the past 2 weeks. I am not proud of this, but I keep having thoughts that provoke my mind in horrible ways. Religion or not, I can't handle other partners, never have been able too. It does something to me, and causes me to become enraged at all parties. I am relatively a peaceful man, but when these things happen it changes me.

 

I have made decisions in my life that affect the surrounding environment of my life, some decisions for the better, some for the worse. Drinking is not the answer to my problem, but when trying to just calm my mind, it works, so I go to it. I haven't drank like this in years, but everything that is of my being has been trampled on, beat on, and sliced into a million pieces; that is, in my little world over here.

 

We all try to cope with our difficulties our pains, hurting; some drink, some write, some take karate, some draw, some listen to music, some develop disorders themselves and continue the harmful cycle of hurt. Personally, I can't write when I am in this mode, this state of being, and it's like my mind just shuts down to thought, emotions, and a more black and white scale over my mind.

 

As Hans said in the thread, we all have different things that have happened to us, and Ameen, Hans is one of the reasons that I went from Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, to unbias conversation about many things. He opened my mind to the realm of, "We just never know". We never know who is on the other side of the screen and what they are going through, or have been through. They don't favor me Ameen, they know that I take people into consideration. Yes, I may start controversial topics, I may make bold statements even to be looked at as intentional badgering; but they know that I consider people in different ways, and understand that I have no intent to cause anyone mental harm here, as I myself am seeking healing from this site.

 

Ameen, there is a difference between displaying, writing, communicating your feelings and what is happening here. I have seen my name, in a thread for the last few weeks, that basically said that Abiyoyo should be loved, embraced, etc. from you, and now, 22 days later, I have been a Ghost on this site, posted once in the last 12 days before this, and have not contacted you, or replied to you in any form; yet I search my name and see the above which is far from the last thread you started about me. I say this because you didnt say that I am still bothered, and it still seems unsettled, or even that this Christian was liked by everyone and that is why I thought that he received no consequences. Notice how that last statement was formed in past tenses, but your statement above is is a current sense.

 

This is very unsettling to me, especially of what things I have gone through seeing my life being ripped apart, as well as my mind, to come to my healing place and see someone giving me so much attention in this negative fashion? Why me? Who I am Ameen? I have been a drunk for the past two weeks, drowning my pains in the bottom of a bottle. Ameen, you seem very able in your writing, thoughts, emotions to change many things, possibly in the world we live in. I am just a guy posting on a forum that has himself difficulties and pains from this world. I believe in Christ, another believes in nature, another believes in somesort of deity, another Buddhist, etc. We all share differing religions, and yes, I still believe in Christ, but to use me as the pinnacle of your stance on determination of the structure of this site, well, I think you picked the wrong guy.

 

I have PM'ed a member here telling them when all these things happened that I didn't even want to be a Christian anymore, or a preacher. I just want to be me, because when I am a Christian, I am held to a certain degree of living, and mentality. If I get angry, I am stopped, even by people that aren't religious, and reminded that I am a Christian. I started a thread about alot of these things, yet here we are, still putting me within those constraints of how I am, "supposed to be".

 

I give up honestly, and I still believe in God and Christ, but right now I am far from a representation of a Christian person. You may use me if you like, but you may be disappointed to find out that I am not the Christian that your mind configures nme to be. I truly think this is all the mods and the rest of the members here are trying to help you understand.

 

I want to end this by saying that I do understand where you are coming from, as I have a vice similar, and that is people that are "church people". I see them all the same, they talk the same, interact the same to me, preach the same, etc. When I spot one of these types, I instantly go into that mode of thought against this type. It is not until that type shows you or me that they are not actually that type, but are under those parameters in appearance, it is not until then that you or I will see these types as half decent people.

 

Because I responded on the sexuality issue, and I am a Christian, this has placed me in that spot, the Christian that made your life hell on Earth. I truly regret posting that post, and causing a disturbance in you seeking of peace.

 

Mods, I am sorry if this was a no-no, and I understand if I am reprimanded, but I felt the need to address this issue of almost a month now since Ameen said he shut down his PM, in which I would've PM'ed him, which possibly would've also placed me facing reprimand.

 

Right now, I am sparsely on here anyway, just checking in here and there, but I am sure will be posting when I come around, and my mind is freed up to do so.

 

Ameen, my drinking will have to come to an end at some point, whether it is by me, or by my body being abused. It is not healthy for anyone to drink like this.

 

I drink because I dont feel like the situation in my life was justified in the way I felt it should have been dealt with, and unfortunately, it will not be resolved by any means to make me 'feel better' unless I compromise my life as I know it. Writing in this manner I believe for you Ameen is no different, it will not help you make it through, overcome the pain you felt, it will only make things worse.

 

I believe these type of pains are hidden deep within our intimate thoughts, the deepest parts of our beings only to be dealt with within ourselves. Some will disagree to that, but I say it because I have seen what sharing those thoughts, inflictions, pains, with others who are not in that same capacity can become and evolve into being. It can be messy.

 

I hope you are okay Ameen, and wish you the best in this world. I am sorry for making you feel the way you do, and I hope you can find peace in your journey. I have found alot of peace here, and I hope maybe that if you can overcome this, you may as well.

[Snakefoot]

Abiyoyo:

 

As a fellow human with feelings, I extend my sincere best wishes for you and your situation. I know what you are going through--been there, done that, including crawling inside a bottle to escape.

 

I do not presume to offer advice, for only you know what you need and are capable of. "Let each work out his own salvation," as it were.

 

There ARE people who care, even when it might not seem so.

[Ouroboros]

I'm sorry to hear about all these problems Yoyo. I hope you can find a solution regarding your wife, and... well, you know the bottle isn't I good friend.

 

As you can see from the last thread with Ameen, he decided to leave the website for good, so regarding that whole story, I think it's over.

 

The strange thing with me, when I compare myself to Ameen and to you Yoyo, is that I never had a problem being the outsider. Back in the days, living in Sweden, I was part of a minority of very religious nutjobs. I came here as a religious person, and since then de-converted and become--once again--part of the freaks of society. I guess I not only thrive in chaos, but in rejection as well.

[Abiyoyo]

Abiyoyo:

 

As a fellow human with feelings, I extend my sincere best wishes for you and your situation. I know what you are going through--been there, done that, including crawling inside a bottle to escape.

 

I do not presume to offer advice, for only you know what you need and are capable of. "Let each work out his own salvation," as it were.

 

There ARE people who care, even when it might not seem so.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear about all these problems Yoyo. I hope you can find a solution regarding your wife, and... well, you know the bottle isn't I good friend.

 

As you can see from the last thread with Ameen, he decided to leave the website for good, so regarding that whole story, I think it's over.

 

The strange thing with me, when I compare myself to Ameen and to you Yoyo, is that I never had a problem being the outsider. Back in the days, living in Sweden, I was part of a minority of very religious nutjobs. I came here as a religious person, and since then de-converted and become--once again--part of the freaks of society. I guess I not only thrive in chaos, but in rejection as well.

 

Thank you for your concerns. I am a mess right now, battling my own mind it seems. Hans, the rejection for me as well has helped me thrive in this world. I always tell people when they are speaking to me about me, " Who would've guessed that after all these years, I finally looked to God, and church, and want to be a preacher, to find out that it is not all I thought it would be and become shocked to see it more of a social gathering and a business than a gathering of people seeking God"

 

That statement has never gone over to well with even the most liberal of church goers, but to me, it is the truth, and until I find that connect, it will always seem the same to me. I see it similar to Ameen's problem with me, I am the filler of that cliche, and the difference is state of mind I suppose. But, as you said, I agree, chaos and rejection only make me stronger and more determined, or thrive in this world.

 

Good hearing from you Hans, and just for the record, I ain't drinking at the moment Completely sober for about another hour, then I will be lost in numbness.

 

I thank you though and appreciate your concerns, earnestly. Life is just such a mess for me right now. I feel like my directional sense is really screwed up.

[par4dcourse]

Abi, heaven knows I've given you a hard time on these boards, but you've always taken it in stride. I don't think you did anything out of order to Ameen, or at most a minor infraction, and I think and posted that he over-reacted. From what I've read, most of the group agrees.

As bad as I hate to admit it, I've gotten used to you and End3 keeping things interesting.

I've been on the bad end of the bottle and it's definitely not a solution to anything. I hate you're having the problems you are, but there's a better way than drinking and I hope you find it soon.

Hang in there and trust your common sense.

Now, this message will self-destruct in 10 seconds and I will dis-avow any knowledge of it.

[Ouroboros]

and just for the record, I ain't drinking at the moment Completely sober for about another hour, then I will be lost in numbness.

I suspected as much, since your writing was comprehensible--for once. Just kidding!

[Loren]

This is an excerpt from Ex-C life, Ameens thread. I know Christians aren't suppose to reply to these threads, and not sure about what I have done here or not as being acceptable; but I felt the need to speak as I have mostly kept silent with this whole situation since it's conception.

Abiyoyo, as the mod for Ex-C Life, let me assure you that I don't see anything wrong with your posting this here. Perhaps it might be a gray area, but for one thing, when you were asked to step out of Ex-C Life, you did. I know how hard that can be to stay out of it when somebody is running you into the ground. For another, the Lion's Den is not an area that I mod and I wouldn't think of using that kind of power here. This place has it's own mod and I'll abide by whatever they decide. For another, your post here seems genuinely devoted to reconciliation, healing and peace. I can't argue against those things and wouldn't.

 

One of the things I wanted to say at the time, but didn't due to how volatile things were getting, was that this whole thing started in News and Current Events. Good grief, politics is politics! With the strong free speech ethic which we (Not just Dave and the mods, but almost all of the members.) try to uphold on the site, and with the deep intertwining of religious/nonreligious values with so much of politics, how could we not allow members to speak their minds in a forum that's inherently largely political???

 

Clearly, this site has a strong consensus liberal leaning, but we have always had a handful of ex-Christian members who were somewhat to strongly politically conservative.

 

It hasn't happened for some time, but there have been times when one of those folks would express some frustration or emotional turmoil over just how pervasive the assumption can get here that everybody who reads a post agrees with the leftward leanings of the poster. These people would express on the one hand, a great sense of unity and community with the membership on ex-religious grounds, yet at the same time express frustration, insult and marginalization at the political opinions and the assumption that everybody here is a lefty just by virtue of being ex-Christian and how difficult it could be for those folks to have to swim through all that on a daily basis just to be here. And I can't remember a single instance when one of those conservatives wasn't also a well-liked and respected member.

 

And that parallels the issue Ameen brought up. Same thing, different angle. I was thinking about it the whole time.

 

And those damned, evil conservatives who are bent on ruining this great country have every god-damned bit as much right to chime in their (Obviously invariably wrong.) opinions in that forum as we Godless, Commie Liberals (Who are also bent on ruining this great country.)!!!

 

Everybody should be able to express their opinions in an inherently political forum!!! <Pounding on the table.>

 

I can't think of a forum other than the Lion's Den, where it's the most appropriate thing in the world for everyone to freely (As in, fucking freedom!) express their opinion on political issues than News and Current Events.

 

As to the things I said, I have reason to believe you took it more personally than I would have had you do. I expressed myself badly due to exhaustion from my own real life stuff going on with family, and the context was what Ameen set up, so it was around you, but my point was not meant to single you out. I meant it to be far more general than being about you. What I was trying to do was to get it through that this site always has mindless, uncaring Christians on it. They've been here before you got here, Abiyoyo, and they'll be here after you're gone. What I was trying (Badly) to tell him was that if he had the reaction to you which he did, then if he was planning on spending any time at all on the site, he'd better get a strategy for dealing with it internally, because I can guarantee that it would happen again. And again. And again. I wanted to show Ameen that I thought I understood where he was coming from, but what I was inept about was in making it clear that my advice on how to deal with uncaring Christians was meant to be very general.

 

The fact of the matter is that (And this is the opinion of Loren the member, not the policy of Loren the mod.) I have an extremely low view of the so-called, "nice," Christians who are soft-spoken, polite and friendly, but who are able to spend a significant amount of time here without being affected in any noticeable way by the material on the site. I'm not just talking about theological points of discussion, but of all the pain and damage caused by Christianity. In fact, I have a much lower opinion of them than I do of the mindless, fundy hellfire and damnation spewers. The longer they stay here without being moved by it, the more clear it is to me that despite all the "niceness," they really don't have any appreciable compassion, and that tells me more about their quality of character than any courtesy, politeness or meekness ever could. The longer they stay here without any noticeable change, the lower my opinion goes. There comes a point when I can no longer even see them as nice, only phony.

 

When I call them, "dumb animals," I truly see them that way. And that's a rather kind and merciful way for me to approach it, because if I give them credit for being genuinely morally sentient beings, then I have no choice but place responsibility for their lack of compassion squarely at their feet. And that would be all the worse for them.

 

And it's healthier for me, because I have less disgust with that Christian. The family dog may understand that he's not allowed to get into the garbage, but throughout his entire doggy life, he'll never be able to comprehend why he's not allowed into the garbage. And when he does transgress, it's emotionally easier on everybody, dog included, to remember that it's just not reasonable to expect him be able to grasp, and therefor be accountable for, higher concepts.

 

And that understanding that it serves me and my mental health to face the fact that we have always had Christians here who have been exact parallels to that dog, and that it only adds to my own turmoil to treat them as though they are capable of more than they really are, because then I'm holding them to unreasonably high expectations, that I also wanted to get through to Ameen.

 

I've had this opinion for years. I also haven't expressed this opinion for years. For the most part, I keep it to myself. I know that there are always at least a handful of members who enjoy and become friends with these Christians, and I wouldn't remove that social enjoyment from any of them.

 

Again, I was speaking very generally to Ameen. At least I meant it be seen as general. I've never once seen a time when that type of uncaring but "nice" Christian was not present on the site, and I've been here a long time. And that's what I wanted him to understand. I wanted him to see that he should expect to see that over and over and that it would never end.

 

Frankly, there were two specific Christians I was thinking of when I wrote what I did and neither of them was you. One was TotallyAtPeace, and she was what I think of as the archetype of the dumb animal "nice" Christian. She truly didn't seem able to understand the difference between superficial sweetness and true caring. The other was Soil, who was as fundamentalist Baptist as they come. But he was changed by what he saw here. He did what a real man does, and stepped up to his personal responsibility for how the doctrines of his religion affected the people around him, and he did it with courage and integrity. So far, I haven't seen a Christian member of this site who I respect as much as I did Soil, and when he left, he was still very fundamentalist Baptist. It wasn't a matter of his agreeing with us, but of his willingness to step up and grapple with the real problems. He was clearly serious about it.

 

So if my "dumb animal" opinion applies to you personally, then, yes, that really is what I think of you. Nice doggy. Enjoy your time here.

 

If, on the other hand, it truly doesn't apply to you, then please, by all means, know that it's aimed at others, not you.

 

From what I've seen of your behavior here, even if you really are the dumb animal variety, I still haven't seen any example during your time here where you deliberately caused mayhem or intentionally disregarded warnings and such from the mods. If you do unintentionally step over some line or other, when a mod says something about it, you say, "Okay," and comply. And I can't see how any of us can ask anything more than that. Clearly, you know how to behave and are willing to do so.

 

Also, I do my best to keep my own personal crap well separated from my mod duties. It's one of the things I find to be such an honor to work with the other staff here; All of the mods are on the same page as far as keeping our personal shit away from our official duties. Whether we always succeed is another matter, but I know for a fact that all the mods share that ethic. We do our best to rise to it.

 

I also think it's a damned sad thing about Ameen. I still think he's got a ton of fine qualities which could make him an enormous asset to this site and extremely helpful to people in need. And clearly from his real life activities, he's the kind of person who is moved to be useful to others. But I agree with him: If he can't be here without such extreme pain, then he shouldn't be here. It's sad, but there it is.

 

I'm sorry for all the pain and turmoil you're experiencing in your life. It seems kind of scary to me to observe just how many people on this site are dealing with some horrible shit or other in their lives at the moment. If you can receive any help, or even just simple enjoyment from being on this site, then I truly hope you do. If I could wave my magic wand and take away all that shit in your life, I would in a heartbeat.

 

As much as you are able to, be at peace.

 

Loren

[Vigile]

You're cool with me YoYo. I don't always get what you are saying but I've seen your posts evolve over the years from what started out as drivel (to me anyway) to what appears to be a deep and thoughtful introspection of yourself. Your beliefs are your own. I'm not going to judge you for them. I'm sorry you are going through so many struggles right now. Hope things get better quickly.

[FiddlingAround]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time. You can always come here for support whenever you need it. Talking things through might be of more use than drinking to block them out for a few hours. Let us know.

[Japedo]

Hoping that you find Peace of mind Yoyo. I'm sorry to read of your horrific happenings, and wish nothing but the best for you and your family.

[Legion]

Abiyoyo, I'm sorry to hear that things are so shitty for you right now man. I hope you regain your balance quickly.

[RationalOkie]

Keep the drunk-ass drivel coming you ass hat ...

[Shyone]

Abi, we humans often have our problems, and the best, and perhaps only, help is each other. Alcohol solves nothing. My mother was an alcoholic, and it was painful to me to grow up and watch her poison her beautiful mind.

 

Sometimes life sucks, and then life gets better. I have gone through highs and lows, sometimes within a matter of days, sometimes months or even years. It is little consolation now to know that "things will get better", but that is the guiding light that should inform your actions now. Self-destructive behavior can become a self-fulfilling malignant prophecy.

 

Man up, put away the booze, start doing things that are constructive, even if it is unrelated to your personal delimma. Use your time wisely, help others, and don't dwell on that wich you can't change.

 

Remember the serentiy prayer:

 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

Pagan version:

 

(The Serenity Prayer is generally thought to have been written by Reinhold Niebuhr)

 

God / Goddess / Great Spirit, please help me to access:

the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (life, other people),

the courage and willingness to change the things I can (me, my own attitudes and behaviors),

and the wisdom and clarity to know the difference.

[Ouroboros]

Sometimes life sucks, and then life gets better. I have gone through highs and lows, sometimes within a matter of days, sometimes months or even years. It is little consolation now to know that "things will get better", but that is the guiding light that should inform your actions now. Self-destructive behavior can become a self-fulfilling malignant prophecy.

 

Man up, put away the booze, start doing things that are constructive, even if it is unrelated to your personal dilemma. Use your time wisely, help others, and don't dwell on that which you can't change.

Worth repeating.

 

Yoyo, it's more important what you do about life than what you believe about it. Belief is good. Belief will give you a goal. But belief only take you so far, until you have to put your hands to the plow and actually do it. Change in your life starts with your attitude and belief, but it continues with your actions.

 

You can get out of this hole. I'm certain you can, because I can tell the resilience is there.

[♦ nivek ♦]

Abi...

 

Bottle's no answer.

 

Shit happens.

 

Doesn't matter how many times we get knocked down, it is how many fuckin' times we bother to get up and continue to fight.

 

We ALL have "issues". That is one thing that being part of this Community helps.

 

*I*, the person, in meat.space would/do not give a phuk what you believe. Door is open, fridge is usually full, couch after dog is told to get off is available for however long.

 

*I* here at ExC try to use this place as I would my own home. Open to those who need something, even if it is just a quick cup of sober_me_up coffee and a spot to sleep, a shower, and clothes washer for a few daze. Electronically offering a spot of respite in a world gone to shit, a place to at least 'cuss and discuss.

 

Nothing in our "charter" requires us to be nice, fight fair, or hand ripped off parts and parcel back to each other. It is just done that way, adults tend to be kind after anger and adrenaline is expended.

 

Don't give a royal flaming fuck what you think you believe. Don't care what I think you believe. Do care that should you need a place to post, by unjudged from fundaMENTALists and their ilk, this spot on IntARweBb be fit for that purpose.

 

Consider strongly in your physical world before you hoist that next bottle. That fucker and its contents are gonna kill you given a chance.

 

kevinFuckin'L

[NotBlinded]

Abi, I also am sorry for what you are going through, but...BUT, you have to get through it. You will get through it and you will be a better person for it. Life kinda sucks that way, but usually when we survive it, we are changed for the better. I'm not saying you are a less person now, I'm just saying that something opens up in us and we become more loving and compassionate than ever before.

 

Now, read my signature, put down the bottle, stand up straight and face the world!

[Taphophilia]

Abi,

 

While I do not know for sure, it is only from experience in that I've seen behavior like Ameen's before. As I read what Ameen wrote, as he rambled on and on, I was simply reminded of a very hormonal teenage girl. I have seen this type of behavior in transgendered male to females who begin taking estrogen and go through a puberty. I cannot say, for sure, that is what it is, as I have no way of knowing, but the mood swings, the manipulation, the touchiness, the whining, and above all the "No one understands me!!" So, who only knows? It is simply pure speculation on my part and the fact that Ameen was acting like a whiny ass 7th grade girl. (If there is a hell, it's not fire and brimstone. There could never be any eternal torture inflicted that could compare to the pain, suffering and anguish of an eternity of middle school.)

 

I am going to tell you this straight. You deserve real love and respect. Not only from your relationships, but from yourself. It seems to me, and I may be way off base here, that you have been focusing on trying to make someone else happy rather than focus on your own happiness and emotional needs for a very long time. I've been through this crap all before. I've been cheated on, lied to, made to feel that it was all my fault because somehow I just couldn't "fix" them and resented for the fact I couldn't "fix" them. I was stalked, kicked out of my church (which led to my deconversion), and had my tires slashed. Plus, I had three little kids under seven to take care of and support all the while trying to hold onto my sanity.

 

I know what it is like to crave normal and have no idea what normal is anymore. I know what it is like to feel I am losing touch with reality and feel all the hopelessness and desperation that can only accompany all the drama. I am not a drama person and neither are you. However, people in our lives create all the drama for us without any regard to our health or well being. They simply suck us dry and expect more and more and more until there is nothing left to give and are pissed off at us because we are simply empty.

 

What I have learned is that life should be the ups and downs, your relationship should be the calm in the storm, not the freaking storm, where you are not really sure what way that wind is going to blow, be it a gentle breeze, a thunderstorm or a flash flood of drama. This is simply not a healthy way to live. With all the freaking drama in your life, no wonder you want to drink. But you know that not dealing with it is not going to make it go away.

 

What I have had to learn and to only accept from anyone who I have a relationship with is that while I am an accepting and forgiving person, I expect that to be reciprocated. Just as I accept them for who they are, they must accept me for who I am with all my strengths and limitations. I had the relationships from hell and, yes, they are hell indeed. I also know what it's like to be in a relationship of equals, where we both inspire each other, challenge each other in constructive ways, believe in each other, want the best for the other person. We are each others calm in the storm when life becomes the roller coaster it can be and we celebrate the highs that life can bring us also.

 

Sound wonderful? Trust me, it is.

 

But...there is a catch to having this type of relationship. You have to work on healing yourself and work on your self-esteem. You simply cannot attract healthy people into your life if you are not in a healthy place yourself. If you have to, take Kevin up on his offer. I know for a fact that he would welcome you with open arms and keep you safe until you can heal. The refuge he offers is real. I would trust Kevin with my life.

 

I only hope that you can recognize the strength and courage that you possess. You are worth so much more than this and deserve all the happiness you want.

 

Kim

[NotBlinded]

Taph, that was an amazing post.

[Guest ephymeris]

All I can do is echo what many others have said and encourage you to hang in there. You've been strong enough to become the person you are today and stand up for yourself with dignity and maturity, you'll make it through this and life will get better.

 

On the Ameen thing, he overreacted to a disagreement between the two of you. He never should have drug this out as long as he did.

 

Wish I could really do something to help. All I can offer is support and a listening ear. I'll be thinking about you. I hope you stick around these forums...

[Tabula Rasa]

Abi, sorry if I've been grouchy to you in the past. I fervently hope that you get past this turbulent time in your life.

 

Best,

Tabula Rasa

[Loren]

Abiyoyo, a couple things I really should mention are, (1.) Alcohol, valid paranoia and firearms are a horrible combination. Asking for trouble. For the sake of those around you, I'd highly suggest you put away either the guns or the booze.

 

And (2.), what kind of loads are you using for your weapons? Are they the kind of round that will go through an assailant, then through the wall of your house, the wall of your neighbor's house and then through your neighbor? Trust me, as bad as things are for you right now, they're nothing compared to adding a negligent homicide or involuntary manslaughter charge to everything else.

 

Just don't want to see everything get way worse than it already is.

Loren

 

(Edit: If you need to, I'd strongly suggest pm'ing Kevin for advice on the ammo issue. Regardless of how he may feel about you personally, I know he'd consider it to be dishonorable to do anything less than everything he could to get you squared away with the best possible information. He's got an extensive and comprehensive knowledge of such things.

 

Loren)