Telemarketers From Hell

[Mike D]

Ok I have never exactly had any love for telemarketers, but I think they've now rank right along side with rapists and child molesters when it comes to the scale of low lifes in this world. Beginning a few years ago when the US started the federal do not call list for telemarketers, like clockwork I always register my phones each time I move. And with the exception of maybe the first 3 weeks before my new number goes on the list, after about a month I stop getting all telemarketing calls. Well, that was until the last time I moved, about 3 months ago. I registered my number as usual, and after about a month the initial surge of "new phone" telemarketers died off as they always do. With one exception that is. There is one company who I guess decided they are above the law and started calling me about 6 weeks after I registered my number. The first few times they called I just ignored it and didn't answer my phone, thinking it was just a stray telemarketer and eventually they would stop calling. But according to my caller ID, they kept calling me persistently, every few days. Eventually it got so annoying that one day I finally answered the phone, told them I wasn't interested in buying anything, told them to stop calling me, and hung up. Well what do you think happened? Not only did they not stop calling me, they basically did the opposite and stepped up their calls, now calling me up to 3-4 times DAILY, 7 days a week!! This is just baffling to me, because not only are they breaking the law, i've already told them I don't want their shit. Is "I am not interested" a code for law-breaking telemarketers to go into harrassment mode? I've started filing complaints with the donotcall.gov website every time they call, but it's done nothing. Does anyone here have any experience with telemarketing and can give me a clue as to how I get rid of these assholes? This has been going on for close to 2 months now and I have just about run out of patience. Do I have to resort to filing a lawsuit, or get a restraining order against them to stop them from breaking the law and the harrassment?

[sarahgrace]

Last time I had a problem with a telemarketing agency persistently calling me, this is what I did:

 

Me: hello?

 

them: yes, hello, my name is _____ and I'm calling on behalf of (shady credit card company). Is Mrs. Sarah _______ at home?

 

Me: *sniff..* Oh... I'm afraid she just very recently passed away.

 

them: I'm sorry?

 

Me: *choked up voice* she's dead. just recently.

 

them: Oh... oh, i'm very sorry, I'll remove her from our list.

 

Me: *weeping* thank you, have a nice day, goodbye. *click*

 

 

Worked like a charm. They never called back. It helps if you can really pretend to cry on the phone.

[qec]

^^^

 

ROOOFL!!!! That is fucking AWESOME!

[ContraBardus]

I dunno. I most often don't answer the phone thanks to caller ID. I generally don't answer an unknown number.

 

However, the companies that do identify themselves I sometimes screw with.

 

I enjoy answering the phone and acting like I called them. Sometimes I'll try to sell them a bullshit product.

 

A lot of times if they think they've contacted a business they'll give up and remove the number from the list.

 

Fun ways to answer the phone if you know it's a telemarketer.

 

"Hello. Steve's Homoerotic sex toys. We've got a sale on our extra large multi-head vibrators today at 39% off. Nipple clamps and plugs are all 25% off for our big clearance sale. We've also got specials on our used adult videos and DVD's. How may I help you today?"

 

Or...

 

"Hello. Is this the head of the household? Might I inquire if you're satisfied with your phone service? You might save as much as 30% by switching to AT&T/Verison/Bell."

 

Another fun one if you have a 'hold' function on your phone. "Hello. Your call is important to us, please hold while we ignore it." Then put them on hold until they hang up.

 

I rarely get call backs from telemarketers dumb enough to let me know who they are on caller ID. Otherwise, I just ignore them and go about my day without answering any unknown callers.

[Astreja]

Move your head well away from the receiver and hold down the # or * key.

 

"Goooodafternoon, I'm calling from *BEEEEEEEP*"

 

Repeat as necessary.

[OpheliaGinger]

Since I have registered my name on the do not call list, I have received anymore unwanted calls, but I have always wanted to fuck around with them by shouting out some strange and somewhat scary things off the phone like, "Jim Bob, I fucking told you to not gut the carcasses in the house! I let you wear the tits around the house, but that is it!" but I usually don't answer the phone except for numbers I recognize.

[Skepticaldude541]

These ideas are made of so much win!

[Jedah]

.------------------------------------------------------------.

| |

| After a four year hiatus, The Fixer comes out of |

| retirement and returns with... |

| |

| Pranks, Revenge, and General Mayhem |

| File #20 |

| |

| 20 Ways to Handle Telemarketers |

| © 1997 The Fixer - A Free Press Release |

| |

`------------------------------------------------------------'

 

(1) " 'Dead' phone..."

 

More often than not, when a telemarketer calls there is

an annoying delay before they actually start speaking.

The first couple of times I got this, I answered "Hello?

Hello?" as if it were a prank call. After that, when the

telemarketer would finally start speaking, I would just

pretend I couldn't hear him. I just kept on saying "Hello?

Who's this? What is this, some kind of prank? Goddamn

kids..."

 

(1a) During that delay, the telemarketer (or his phone) is

listening for your "Hello?". See to it that this is

all he hears. Not even a click as you hang up, just

hold the line, breathe quietly and let him start his

spiel. The delay is to screen "dead" and busy lines

quickly - this trick defeats it.

 

(1b) Immediately after the telemarketer finally clicks on,

put the handset as close to your mouth as possible, cup

your hand over your mouth and the receiver as if you

are going to whisper, and yell, very loudly, "HELLO..."

and then continue with one of the above...

 

(2) "Telephone Fraud Hotline"

 

Now that you can identify telemarketers by that three second

delay before they talk, you can scare them off really

quickly by answering with "Fraud Hotline!" in a gruff voice.

I usually get a meek "Uh, I think I have the wrong

number..." before they hang up.

 

(2a) It is against the law to impersonate, but if you are

really frustrated and if you think you've nothing to

lose, why not answer:

 

"911 Emergency! Police, Ambulance, or Fire?"

"AT&T Security Department..."

"FBI, Special Agent Glitz speaking..."

"Bell Canada Line Disconnections Department..."

 

(3) "Roll Your Own Recordings"

 

This takes some advance preparation. Record a phone company

"not in service" recording and transfer it to your computer

in .WAV format. Link that sound to a desktop icon so that

you can bring it up, at high volume, with a single click.

Next time a telemarketer calls, before they can start

speaking (you will need Caller ID or have a telemarketer who

delays before speaking) put the phone receiver up to your

PC's speaker and click that icon. If they keep a list of

dead numbers, this will also assure that they never call you

again!

 

To be convincing, fidelity of recording and playback has to

be excellent. Make a few takes and keep the best one, and

have a friend call you to do sound level checks in advance

so you know how loud to play the sound.

 

(4) "Call 'em back..."

 

When a telemarketer calls, you just politely tell them "No

thank you, I'm not interested" and hang up. Then you call

them back with *69 and start a sales pitch for some

fictitious product... this is called "giving them a dose of

their own medicine".

 

(4a) If you used a scare tactic to get a telemarketer to

hang up on you, you don't need an excuse to call them

back. After all, they phoned you. *69 'em and ask why

they hung up. Be scarier than before. Don't repeat

when they hang up again; they already have your name

and phone number.

 

(5) "Never underestimate the power of the handicapped!"

 

I have a friend who used to do this to phone company

operators at random, but it works excellently on

telemarketers.

 

All you have to do is act retarded. Make them repeat

*everything*. Talk slowly and slurred. Explain how you are

brain damaged and how you got that way. Take *forever*.

 

The smart ones will end the conversation quickly and add

your number to a dead numbers list; the dumb ones will humor

you for up to 15 minutes! Wasting their time is wasting

their money and trashing their bottom line; an excellent

incentive to explore some other line of business.

 

(6) "Out of Area my ass!"

 

So they've got their caller ID marked "Private" or "Out of

Area" eh?

 

No problem! Interrupt them, and make up some bullshit about

a state law, or town ordinance, or whatever that "All

telemarketing calls shall transmit valid Caller ID data".

Then tell them you are going to trace the call. When they

tell you you can't do that, fire up R*Box or some other

phreak tone program and give them a nice long string of MF

tones, with some random red and green box thrown in for good

measure. Then blast them with 2600 Hz. If they're not

disconnected by the 2600, tell them "I hope you've got your

affairs in order." and hang up. Most people have never

heard such noises, so against non-hackers this trick is

amazingly effective.

 

(7) "So how 'bout a date?"

 

Sound interested for a while, then interrupt the

telemarketer and tell her, "You know, you have a really

lovely voice..." and then proceed to try and "pick her up".

If she tries to get back to selling, get back to asking her

out. Be as persistent as she is. The very worst that can

happen is that you'll get a date. If this happens, stand

the bitch up...

 

(see www.seduction.com for some background material if you

really want to get a telemarketer, or anyone, to put out)

 

(7a) This is wholly more effective as a deterrent if the

telemarketer is the same gender as you and is not a

homosexual...

 

(8) "Rock Box!"

 

Turn your stereo WAY up and speak quietly to the

telemarketer. Let him run his spiel as long as he can stand

to without being able to elicit an audible reaction from

you. If he asks you to turn down your stereo tell him you

can't hear him.

 

(9) "House of Cards"

 

If they are trying to sell you a credit card, tell them:

"Wow, things sure have changed since I went in. I didn't

even think I could GET a credit card anymore, what with just

getting out of prison last week and all... I don't have to

have a job yet, do I?"

 

(9a) Ask them if they can give you the card number and

expiry date over the phone so you can start carding...

err... ahem "buying" things *now*. Give them a

completely different name and address from yours;

basically set off every alarm bell they have that you

intend to commit fraud with the card they are about to

sell you...

 

(10) "Reverse Obscene Call"

 

Start breathing heavy... letting out the occasional moan...

as though you are masturbating... if you don't get a

response just "turn it up" a little until you do...

 

(11) "Blastoff!!!"

 

Speak very quietly, moving the mouthpiece as far away from

your mouth as you can. They will have to turn up the

volume to hear you... make sure they have it WAY up... then

either just yell loudly into the mouthpiece or have your

computer play the LOUDEST, most PIERCING sound it possibly

can - probably a high pitched tone. Use a musical

instrument such as a recorder if you don't have immediate

access to computer generated noises. Do not stop the noise

until you are sure they have hung up.

 

(12) "Got Name & Number Caller ID?"

 

If your Caller ID box shows their company name, this is too

easy: just answer the phone as if you worked for them:

"Miracle Marketing Inc., how can I help you?" If they

recover from the shell shock of this, insist that your

number is the local field office of their company. If they

ask you questions to try and prove you are lying, tell them

"How the hell should I know, I'm just a temp!"

 

(13) "Three Way Freeway!"

 

If you are blessed with 3-Way Calling, here's what you do.

The telemarketer asks for Mr. So-and-so, and you say "just

a second, I'll put you through to him." You then activate

3-Way Calling and call the telemarketer's own number from

your Caller ID (or *69 if your phone company lets you *69

someone who's on the other "line")! If you get a busy

signal then the telemarketer is on a single line; if not,

he's likely in a multi-line boiler room and the call will

be answered by one of his very surprised co-workers! Now

go back to the telemarketer, verify that a 3-Way call has

been established and then hang up!

 

(13a) If indeed the telemarketer is on his own line or if

you can't get an answer from that number for whatever

reason, then just set up your 3-Way Call to a Pizza

place or Dial-A-Prayer or something and leave him

talking to that...

 

(14) "Forward Ho!"

 

Got call forwarding? As Mr. Burns would say,

"Eeexxxcellent..."

 

Just tell the telemarketer: "I've got someone on the other

line, can you call back in a minute?" Most will oblige.

 

By the time the telemarketer calls back, you have forwarded

your calls to the Hare Krishna Temple.

 

(14a) Find out what happens when you forward calls to a

long distance number. Do you pay the long distance

charges or does the person who called you? If the

latter, you are in the enviable position of being

able to forward your calls to 1-900 sex lines, the

"Time and Weather In Moscow" line etc. - at the

expense of whoever attempts to call you! In my area

this is not allowed, and I understand it's quite rare

so ask your local phone company first...

 

(15) "They'll never know what hit 'em!"

 

Tell them (politely) that you saw something on TV about

fraudulent boiler room operations. "Do you have an 800

number I can call to continue the conversation?" If they

refuse, use some other tactic from this file. If they give

you one, thank them nicely, say goodbye, and post that

number to alt.sex.pictures 2,000 times as a "free phone sex

line" (hint: it's a troll; you are trying to get spam

haters to call, not perverts). If you get a regular number

on Caller ID or otherwise, post it anyway - but an 800

number will get more callers and cost money.

 

(16) "Repeat calls?"

 

Cut them off with: "What the fuck??? You people just called

me yesterday! AND you called last week! How many goddam

times do I have to say No? I asked you to take me off your

list last time, why the fuck am I still getting calls from

you?" etc.

 

(17) "Reach out and touch someone!"

 

My personal favorite is, as soon as they start talking,

play "Reach out and Touch Someone" (the old AT&T jingle) in

touch tones on the phone. Any telemarketer who is still on

the line after two or three measures of that *really* needs

a life.

 

The song goes something like: #9 #93 #9321 #9 #93#92

 

(you'll figure out the rest on your own)

 

(18) "Meet my friend..." ("Three Way Freeway" Part 2)

 

If you don't have the balls to try any social shenanigans

on a telemarketer, just tell him you've got a call on the

other line and would he mind holding just a sec. Then

start a three-way call to an accomplice who has the nads

and the obnoxious attitude to really make your

telemarketer's life an unhappy one...

 

(19) "Fuck this..."

 

Play along with their spiel, act interested and

co-operative but for ONE little detail: you can't seem to

form a sentence without at least one occurrence of the "F"

word... I guarantee you they will say something about it at

some point during their schtick; and when they do, your

line is something like: "Hey asshole, you fuckin' called

me, so fuckin' deal with it!"

 

(20) "This is the end... My only friend, the end..."

(or, "Three Way Freeway III: The Final Chapter!")

 

Another Three-Way idea: Connect the telemarketer with the

Suicide Prevention Hotline.

 

I know, not exactly a climactic end to this file but I

couldn't resist. It will be "The End" of calls to you from

that particular telemarketer though.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading. Now that I'm back in the loop, you can

expect a new Pranks file every other month or so. In these days

of spam and scam, the world needs The Fixer more than ever!

 

Tommy's Holiday Camp BBS - (250) 361-4549 (250) 380-6467 (250) 360-0628

The Mesmerising Web Presence of Tommy - www.vvv.com/~tommy

[euphgeek]

Two words: air horn

 

Or you could try something like this.

[Cracked]

Two words: air horn

 

Or you could try something like this.

 

 

You beat me to it.

 

That is a great prank.

[hereticzero]

Ok I have never exactly had any love for telemarketers, but I think they've now rank right along side with rapists and child molesters when it comes to the scale of low lifes in this world. Beginning a few years ago when the US started the federal do not call list for telemarketers, like clockwork I always register my phones each time I move. And with the exception of maybe the first 3 weeks before my new number goes on the list, after about a month I stop getting all telemarketing calls. Well, that was until the last time I moved, about 3 months ago. I registered my number as usual, and after about a month the initial surge of "new phone" telemarketers died off as they always do. With one exception that is. There is one company who I guess decided they are above the law and started calling me about 6 weeks after I registered my number. The first few times they called I just ignored it and didn't answer my phone, thinking it was just a stray telemarketer and eventually they would stop calling. But according to my caller ID, they kept calling me persistently, every few days. Eventually it got so annoying that one day I finally answered the phone, told them I wasn't interested in buying anything, told them to stop calling me, and hung up. Well what do you think happened? Not only did they not stop calling me, they basically did the opposite and stepped up their calls, now calling me up to 3-4 times DAILY, 7 days a week!! This is just baffling to me, because not only are they breaking the law, i've already told them I don't want their shit. Is "I am not interested" a code for law-breaking telemarketers to go into harrassment mode? I've started filing complaints with the donotcall.gov website every time they call, but it's done nothing. Does anyone here have any experience with telemarketing and can give me a clue as to how I get rid of these assholes? This has been going on for close to 2 months now and I have just about run out of patience. Do I have to resort to filing a lawsuit, or get a restraining order against them to stop them from breaking the law and the harrassment?

Every time they call, file a complaint at the Do Not Call website.

[sarahgrace]

^^^

 

ROOOFL!!!! That is fucking AWESOME!

 

Thanks! I thought it was pretty funny myself. I laughed so hard after I hung up. But the rest of these ideas are golden too!!! The only time I get thwarted is when the calls are a FUCKING RECORDING. I hate that.

[belladonna]

Two words: air horn

 

Or you could try something like this.

 

 

You beat me to it.

 

That is a great prank.

[★ Citsonga ★]

I've even heard of telemarketers calling people back right after they hung up just to tell them that hanging up was rude. LMAO, as if they aren't rude!

 

I believe that most telemarketers are paid commission, so I really don't understand the ones who keep calling and calling. You'd think that they wouldn't want to waste their time on the uninterested, since they won't get paid for it.

[Deva]

You haven't seen the worst until you have experienced a collection agency calling every day for someone you have never heard of. It is a recording, not a real person, and all it says is to call a certain number if you are so-and-so. You call and there is another recording that says the office is closed, leave a message. This is day or night, not matter what time you try to call. You leave a message and it makes no difference whatsoever. One time I was home to take the call and I was put through to an actual person. I told them I wasn't who they were looking for and stop calling. Their answer was to "just disregard the calls" .

 

These people called me periodically literally for years. Even with caller ID and not there most of the day I was to the point of having an attorney send a certified mail to them-- and then it stopped.

[belladonna]

You haven't seen the worst until you have experienced a collection agency calling every day for someone you have never heard of. It is a recording, not a real person, and all it says is to call a certain number if you are so-and-so. You call and there is another recording that says the office is closed, leave a message. This is day or night, not matter what time you try to call. You leave a message and it makes no difference whatsoever. One time I was home to take the call and I was put through to an actual person. I told them I wasn't who they were looking for and stop calling. Their answer was to "just disregard the calls" .

 

These people called me periodically literally for years. Even with caller ID and not there most of the day I was to the point of having an attorney send a certified mail to them-- and then it stopped.

 

I had a collection agency call me once (meaning they called repeatedly until I threatened legal action) for my mother; every time this agency called, I told them my mother had died, which was the truth. Finally this one belligerent asshole called me and told me that I needed to quit saying my mother was dead. I told him she most certainly was dead, and I had faxed a copies of her death certificate, the obituary, the death notice and the letter from the hospital to his agency to prove it. He said I was making it all up, and if I didn't tell him right then where to find her, he was going to come after me for the balance. Well, that managed to really piss me off, so I gave him an address where he could find her. Imagine my surprise when he called me back and told me he didn't appreciate me giving him the address to the Ely Cemetery.

 

The company then sent a registered letter to my very dead mother in care of me at my home address. By this time, I'd really had enough, and had turned them in to the AG's office, the Better Business Bureau, and a few others (I had also recorded the calls and sent the tapes with the complaints). I also took all the of the stuff I had collected to my attorney, and then I sent a really nasty letter back to the agency with the words "She's DEAD, you idiots!!!" written all over the envelope. Then my attorney sent them an even nastier letter telling them we were taking them to court for harassment.

 

Funny...I never heard from them again.

[hereticzero]

When my brother died we discovered his ISP had been double auto-billing him for at least two years. They were most happy to repay his estate. Businesses take advantage of people and then act like it was accidental when they get caught. The utility company was unhappy they could not bill him through the end of the month. Honest, they tried to talk us into leaving the lights on for another 30 days!

 

I have asked the telemarketers to hold on for a second, then put the telephone on the floor until I hear the 'beep, beep, beep'. Then I hang it up. After a couple of those, I did not get many telemarketers return calls. I finally switched over to cell phones and Skype and the telemarketers quit calling.