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Goodbye Jesus

A Holiday Incident


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This was a little strange.


Last night I was stretched out in a recliner enjoying the warmth from the woodstove. I had a mug of rich creamy eggnog (Mmm nutmeg!) close at hand. From another room came the soft instrumental of White Christmas on the radio. I was feeling all drowsy and at peace with the world, when I started to hear something outside. I smiled, thinking "Carolers" when it dawned on me that it was too early in the Season yet for that.


So who were the people I could hear outside?


I went to the window and looked out. There was a mob on my front lawn trampling my snow. I might have ignored them entirely, but they had pitchforks and flaming torches.


And they were incredibly angry.


Concerned, I took another long sip of my eggnog.


"Down with the Atheist Agenda! Save Christmas!" I heard one of them yell. Well that got me a little annoyed. I went to my computer and quickly checked over my official copy of the Atheist Agenda, thinking there was something to worry about.


I went through it line by line....eating christian babies?...check...banning prayer in churches?...check...beating little old ladies on their way to Sunday Services?...check...


I went through the whole Plan. Nothing in it had anything to do with Christmas. I relaxed. I'd worried than someone in our ranks had spilled the beans and been telling tales. The person on the lawn had just been guessing.


From outside, I heard someone else cry out "We will win the War on Christmas! Save the Season!"


Shit. War? War.


I put down my eggnog. This was serious. I carefully reached for a gingerbread cookie. No cookie crumbs fell into my computer keyboard. That was good.


I checked Our website, expecting to see text of our leaders gravely discussing our declaration of War on the religious holiday.


Nothing was there.


I checked our affiliates, thinking maybe someone had gotten a little overexcited about something and fired the first shot prematurely.


Nope. So...who declared war on Christmas? I googled.


Christians. Wow. Christians had declared War on their own Seasonal celebration, but were trying to pin it on everyone else! I dunked my gingerbread into my eggnog and nibbled while listening to the rabble on my front lawn.


I was going to have to pull out the big guns to get those nutters away from my house. This was going to get messy.


Having decided, I went to my desk and grabbed three of my chosen weapons. 40% Off coupons for some big name game console at a nearby electronics store.


Regretfully, I tossed them off the balcony and into the crowd. The punching, kicking, and biting started before I'd even made it back inside.


By the time I'd finished the Religious Incident Report for my local Chapter of Evil, it was all quiet on my front lawn.


I made plans to call some friends the next day to help me with the mess outside. I did go outside briefly to gather some pitchforks and the remains of the torches. Their handles would make a nice addition to my woodstove.


Oh! Tragedy! My snowman was demolished! And bloody snow doesn't hold together well, or look very nice. I would have to bring out the plastic Frosty the Snowman.


Just like last year.

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