Godbothering and Flashbacks

[BeccasStillSeeking]

I imagine atheists experience this problem far less...but I didn't fit in the "atheist" box any better than I did in Christendom.

 

Just when I think I've finally gotten somewhere real in my recovery, just when I'm finally able to get back into investigating spirituality and philosophy for the first time in two very hard years, just when I think I'm no longer navigating an emotional minefield every time the subject of a monotheistic god comes up...something happens to knock me on my ass again.

 

I'm trying to read through Alan Kardec's Spirits' Book and Mediums' Book, which are lengthy, dense and, well, read like stereo instructions. It's a personal goal--m'nuzzle, who is Pagan, keeps saying I should read through it and just discount all of Kardec's offensive (but necessary at the time it was originally published) pandering to Christianity. Except...I can't.

 

I start reading, and I run up against some bleat such as "God is sovereignly just and good", and I can feel myself getting tense. I ignore it, try to shove it aside and read past it...but it keeps cropping up. "God's will" "the Creator" "Christian mediums"...on and on and on. I try--I try VERY hard--to just tough on, and ignore the black swell of memories that keep rising up to challenge every God-bothering point this guy's making. Eventually I have to set the book down--and oftentimes, even that isn't enough.

 

Last Saturday, my sweetie got home to find me curled up sobbing on the bed, holding one of those stupid books. It wasn't quite a flashback, but all these lies about the "sovereignly just, good, all-powerful creator-god" reminded me so strongly of all those bleak childhood nights that were the main cause for my leaving Christendom.

 

Me at nine, face pressed into a tear-soaked pillow, wheezing through an anxiety attack and sobbing, "Please, God, please, don't you love me? Mom keeps hurting me, Dad and the priest won't help and I'm so scared...I'm not really an evil stoned bitch like she says, right? Even though I took out the garbage five minutes late? She's wrong, isn't she? You love me, don't you? If you can't make her stop, can you make me be less scared? Please? I'm trying to be your good girl. Can't you please help me or just let me know things will be okay?"

 

And the ringing silence that was my only answer.

 

When does this fucking pain go away? It keeps tripping me up at the most unexpected moments. It makes it almost impossible for me to deal with Jesus freaks in person (I have anxiety attacks), and it keeps making me cry, which of course scares the shit out of m'nuzzle and humiliates me. It's like...I got it pounded into my head that I have this third Invisible Parent who has all these strict rules but is also there for me when I needed him. But when I DID really, honestly, desperately need him, I found out that it was all crap. Yet somehow, somehow, the pain and disappointment of that realization did not go away when I realized that Yahweh's a bloody myth and his followers, in large part, weren't "good" at all. And sometimes, in spite of myself, it still haunts me.

 

Does anyone else get these kind of semi-flashbacks, anxiety or just...sheer outraged weepiness when dealing with Jesus-freak drivel? What do you do, besides try to distract yourself as quickly and thoroughly as possible?

[spamandham]

hugs for becca.

 

Wow! That's fucked up. With most anxieties, you have to face them to conquer them. The exception to that is if in the process of trying to face it, you self destruct.

 

I have no advice for you, but I hope you find a way to cope.

[scotter]

Becca,

 

My hugs too.

 

Some suggestions:

 

1. Don’t touch the spiritual books for this time. I am not suggesting never, but for the time being refrain from it, lest they triggered.

 

2. If flashbacks and emotional attacks they come, let them come and sob it out, weep it out, instead of suppressing them, or they bounce back.

- a bit personal, exercise! When you are into heavy bionic exercises, you can’t feel sad. This is physiological: when you exercise, there is a “positive” hormone secretion that boosts up the person.

 

2.1 You asked “when are they ever going away?” It is comprehensible because of your pain, but by continuously asking these questions in your mind you are keeping the “they” continuously in you, stop wondering “if they will go away” and they eventually will.

 

3. What is your specialty? Think it over and you’ll find out. Perhaps you already have: you mentioned about writing, electronic art, work on them, keep busy (not exhaustively busy), so those “they” have no rooms to stay.

 

PM me if you like.

[Panther]

Big hugs for you!!

 

My heart goes out to you, truly.

 

I do identify with how you feel. I wanted there to be a god....one that was nice, who loved me, who was there for me, etc.

 

I was just as dumbstruck and numb when I realized I had been duped. That was good in a lot of ways, but at the same time, it meant there was no heaven either. So I wondered, where did that leave my father and all the other loved ones that passed?

 

I think this is an important phase for you.....just another pain that you have to get through on your way to recovery. Meaning, this IS part of the recovery. I have no doubt that eventually, you will get past this point and be much more peaceful about the whole thing. That's what I tell myself, LOL!

 

Think of it similar to a grieving process. I believe it IS one.....first there is disbelief, then bargining, anger, sadness....eventually acceptance.

 

This was a loss.....no matter what kind of loss, it was one. Please be easy on yourself.

Please pm me if you would like to talk more personally about this than what you want to say here.