Embarrassed Of Your Past Religious Beliefs?

[Moving on]

I am fortunate enough to live in a completely different area of the country from where I was a Christian. So, most people that I am around, such as at work or school did not meet me until I was no longer a Christian. I have never told any of these people about my history. And I desperately, desperately do not want anyone finding out. They know that I am pretty against the dogma of religious fundamentalism and that I don't take a stance on issues related to God and spirituality...but, everyone just assumes I've always been that way...and I certainly haven't tried to show otherwise.

 

Has anyone else experienced this or is anyone else like this now?

 

I've thought a lot about why this is. I think a big part of it is that I don't want my past Christianity being a defining part of my identity to people. When I was a Christian, that WAS my identity...anything else besides my Christianity was secondary. One thing I have so enjoyed as an ex-Christian is the ability to develop my own identity...to really discover who I am on my own and to develop and foster that. I don't want religion...even past religion...to have any part in assigning me an identity any longer. I really do think this is the primary reason for my fear of people finding out...I just don't want to have that as part of my life anymore AT ALL.

 

But, I will admit that I am also embarrassed at the idea of people finding out about my past. I believed some pretty kooky stuff for a long time. I went to a pentecostal church, so I believed that people speak in tongues. I've been in song services waving my hands around and "crying out" to God. I've laid on my face at the altar, believing I was humbling myself before God. I believed it was an abomination to participate in homosexuality, and I am deeply ashamed of having ever held such a terrible view. I believed in creationism and was very sure evolutionary theory was absurd (I am now working in the field of science and am in my 5th year of being educated in a field within science). Etc., etc., etc. And I was just so, so sure these views were correct. It's embarrassing to let people know now that I actually used to believe this stuff. I can hardly believe that I believed it! It's so obvious now how wrong I was, but it certainly wasn't obvious then.

 

Lastly, I don't think many people understand what being a part of religious fundamentalism does to a person. And I think people's questions would usually be insensitive, not because the people asking are genuinely insensitive, but because they just don't understand what it is like to come out of something like this.

 

Anyway, does anyone else relate to this? Does any of you, or have any of you at some time in your life, hide the fact that you were a Christian to everyone who doesn't already know? Do you think this is a good idea or bad? sometimes, it's hard to hide because people get to telling stories and stuff like that, and I have to be careful not to reveal who i was hanging out with in the story or where I was (since it was almost inevitably at some church-related thing).

[wt-hell?!]

Yeah, I've had this kind of 'hiding my past life' experience. But it's only been recent in my new job. I live deep in the bible belt, where sayings like "bless your heart" come from. Anyways, nobody at my new job knows that I used to be a Christian, however many people assume that I am Christian because I'm from the south. I don't eat pork and that usually shocks a few people and they'll ask if it's because of my religion and I usually just say that I don't like eating pig. Anyways, I will say that it is utterly annoying when people say things like "god is blessing me so much right now" "thank the lord, he is so good". Of course these are in good situations. You never hear gods name when it's bad, except for it's his will. Anyways, I'm trailing. I wish I had the opportunity to live somewhere else and not have to fear that someone who knew me as a Christian foils my new identity. But I definitely agree that when telling an anecdotal it's best to leave the church scene out.

[Reason]

Hi Moving. I could post for an HOUR on this, but I have to go do Jesus's birthday with the in-laws and out-laws.

 

Anyway, the one thing that I need to say is: how did you get in a Science field?? I would LOVE to be able to do that! How old are you? (something tells me that you're young and went back to school). I wish I could do that. But, Christianity has stolen my youth, money, etc.

 

Anyway, please tell me how you got working in the Sciences. I would give anything to be able to do that and try and have a little joy and fulfillment before I die.

 

 

Thanks!

[JustAnotherGuy]

I am thoroughly embarrassed by my old behavior. I was never a judgmental person(not by Christian standards, I suppose), but I did some kooky things. My youth pastor and I(along with a couple of the other radical youths) once built large crosses out of 4x4 lumber and drug them around the sidewalk outside of a major shopping center one busy night. Yes, that was me up at "The Summit" about 2 1/2 years ago. We finally got run off by security. Of course, we had someone drop us off and park on the other side of the mall so we'd have an excuse to drag the crosses back(nice manipulation). I've given out bars of dial soap with notes attached about how to dial Jesus to wash you clean. During that instance, the nearby interstate shut down due to an accident and all the detour traffic came right through the intersection we had staked out. Of course, that was instant proof that God existed and was with us. Nevermind the poor soul who had likely been splattered across the interstate for the detour to happen in the first place. I've tried speaking in tongues. I've brought non-religious family and friends to worship gatherings. I've talked to total strangers about the invisible friend's great love for them. No, none of it was embarrassing at the time, but as I look back, I can't describe the shame I feel.

[NimbusBirdMgp]

I find it really embarrassing now to look back when I was a radical Christian in High School and in the Navy, then out to Mississippi's Wood Junior College because of my real father living close by at the time. That was since 1969 - 1979. I started questioning Christianity once I got into the 1980's. But didn't have reasources like this at the time for me. I was on my own struggling with it.

 

Irronically I almost feel better telling other Christians I've already been throught it all for my Agnositic or Atheist beliefs now. I already know their delusions and I'm not trying to be a Rebellious Atheist by their kind of reasonings.

 

I suppose some Atheist would wonder why some of us where so stupid at the time, but then I have to think and realize that some egoed Atheist in my mind like this aren't any better than Christians in my mind. If an Atheist is open minded then they need to have a representing attitude with a better understanding where a lot of us are really coming from.

[HRDWarrior]

I used to feel this way, but not anymore. In fact, I'm pretty open and upfront about my past. Like it or not, those choices and decisions got me to where I am, and trying to hide just got irritating - not only that, I found it sometimes difficult to explain why I felt a certain way about things without it being mentioned.

 

I'm not proud of my christian past, but I'm trying to learn to embrace it for where it has brought me. There are choices I regret, and things I'm embarrassed about, but that's not who I am now and I like to point that out. Besides, if there happens to be someone else who is a questioning christian or an ex-christian, it is often a great thing to bond over!

[★ Citsonga ★]

I am also somewhat embarrassed that I used to believe all that superstitious nonsense, so I normally don't bring it up with people who didn't know me then if it isn't pertinent to our conversations. The longer I'm away from the superstitious mindset, the more obviously silly it becomes, so I'm definitely not proud of it.

 

But I also don't like the idea of telling some of my family that I no longer believe, since their views are so ingrained in them that they would think that I'm off my rocker to no longer believe it. So I haven't bothered doing so.

[wt-hell?!]

I used to feel this way, but not anymore. In fact, I'm pretty open and upfront about my past. Like it or not, those choices and decisions got me to where I am, and trying to hide just got irritating - not only that, I found it sometimes difficult to explain why I felt a certain way about things without it being mentioned.

 

I'm not proud of my christian past, but I'm trying to learn to embrace it for where it has brought me. There are choices I regret, and things I'm embarrassed about, but that's not who I am now and I like to point that out. Besides, if there happens to be someone else who is a questioning christian or an ex-christian, it is often a great thing to bond over!

 

I hope to get to this point one day.

[franklyorange]

My christian experiences have taught me to be patient with die hard fundies, because after all, I fell for it too, hook line and sinker.

[JustAnotherGuy]

My christian experiences have taught me to be patient with die hard fundies, because after all, I fell for it too, hook line and sinker.

 

Good point. That's a good piece of wisdom right there.

[Moving on]

Hi Moving. I could post for an HOUR on this, but I have to go do Jesus's birthday with the in-laws and out-laws.

 

Anyway, the one thing that I need to say is: how did you get in a Science field?? I would LOVE to be able to do that! How old are you? (something tells me that you're young and went back to school). I wish I could do that. But, Christianity has stolen my youth, money, etc.

 

Anyway, please tell me how you got working in the Sciences. I would give anything to be able to do that and try and have a little joy and fulfillment before I die.

 

 

Thanks!

 

 

I'm 33, and I returned to school 5 years ago...actually, it was returning to school that lead me to realize how silly my beliefs were. I had just never been exposed to other ideas to any significant degree (the first time I went to college, I went to Bible college).

 

It is NEVER too late to return to school. I heard about some 90-year-old woman the other day that just graduated from college. I borrowed money via school loans for my first year to get into a good school, and after that, since I was in school which made my income very low, I didn't pay hardly anything for tuition...and I went to a relatively expensive university for my undergrad (just under $30,000/year for tuition). Graduate programs usually have stipends for you to live off of and you get free tuition in exchange for doing the grunt work in the research labs (which is what I'm doing now, haha). I don't know how old you are, but even if you're old enough that you'd never have a long career in this field, just going to school has been a blast.

[Vomit Comet]

Great question!

 

I conceal it around individuals that I know to be Christians, because I don't want them to pester me, however good-natured they might be. I also don't want their pity or concern, or to cause them distress (in cases where I happen to like them as people). Fortunately, in godless Las Vegas, serious Christians are very, very few and far between. Oh, you Bible Belters have no idea what you're missing.

 

As for everyone else. I don't mention it unless it's people that I know and trust. Close friends, usually. I run with a lefty intellectual crowd so their reaction is usually along the lines of *gasp!* "oh, really? Wow!" And then I regale them with tales of life on the other side, and they are fascinated. For them, who have been insulated from such kookiness (except for one girl who's from northern Georgia), it's like hearing stories from an escaped political prisoner or former mafia member.

 

Of course, I can count on one hand the people that I've told about the freakiest shit. You know, the demon-related shit, spiritual warfare, etc. All Americans have at least a passing familiarity with fundamentalist Christianity, but very few are aware of just how fucking bat-shit things can get. This is verging into Dungeons and Dragons type shit here; few can handle the revelation that I used to be deadly serious about actively combating very real Demons.

 

One time I told a very close lesbian friend that I had been a fundie. She was shocked. "And you were a guest at my home!?!?!" I had to ask for her forgiveness. Fortunately, she was able to understand, and her and I had a long deep talk. Like Multifarious Bird Lady, she did a lot to soothe me of my fear of demons and shit. That's the only adverse reaction I got (I was a Christian for most of the time she's known me, but by then I was in the closet about it) when I told someone about my past, but only because she'd been part of my past, if unknowingly.

 

And yes, I'm awfully ashamed about what I've done in the past. I feel like such a fucking retard. I'm visiting L.A. right now (hometown). I was down at Venice Beach the other day, and I recalled the time where I and some other fundies were harassing people by passing out tracts and street witnessing and putting on little dramatic skits, all right on that very boardwalk. And god dammit, I winced hard. The embarrassment was so palpable that I almost became nauseous.

[Moving on]

Thanks so much for the replies everybody. It is good to know it's not just me. I don't know if I'll ever move past hiding it or if I'll eventually reach the point that I can share it with other people. i actually have an easier time bringing it up in front of Christian than non-Christians...I guess because I know it'll spark conversation, and I have a tiny ray of hope that I can talk some sense into them (although, that hope is always squelched, haha).

[♦ Fuego ♦]

I wouldn't say that I'm embarrassed by it, but more annoyed that I was tricked into following it. The things I did (blocking the door of abortion clinics; praying at the flagpole in public places; trying to get certain laws passed; converting my brother) these things made sense given the worldview I held at the time.

 

I masquerade at work, since I'm surrounded by several evangelicals, so it is easier to either remain quiet or not give any clues that I've changed. Like someone else mentioned, knowing that I was tricked helps me to not see these folks as "bad", but deceived like I used to be.

[Franko47]

Actually, I know of few "atheists" who haven't been touched in some way shape or form by religious experience, a sense of spiritualism, a general belief in some kind of "god concept", or even superstitious lore like astrology, karma, ghosts, and other supernatural related ideas.

 

I'm a little wary of people who've claimed to be "atheists" since "childhood". Usually that's bullshit. Or bragging. We live in a culture that is conducive to religion and entertains a whole plethora of fantasy-thinking.

 

I think in some ways that it compels us to wisdom to have gone through the religion thing. I realize that it was harder on some than others, and I think that it is important to have a site like this where we can discuss "the damage".

 

People who don't think a whole lot about this stuff don't care about what many of us have gone through; and as far as the currently religious, I don't really think they know what to think about our story.

 

It seems to me at times that those who have been through the storm of it all are more compassionate and respectful of human suffering than all these stunned religious psychos walking around with their spaced-out ideas and their ego-driven slobbering excuses for a system of self-serving fantasies about invisible beings that are the only way to give themselves a sense of worth.

 

Something I used to believe in, but is now practically an alien concept at this point.

 

Peace. And don't feel shame.

 

Underneath it all is a bit of victory; and perhaps a stronger sense of experiencing our own autonomy and dignity.

[Shyone]

Actually, I know of few "atheists" who haven't been touched in some way shape or form by religious experience, a sense of spiritualism, a general belief in some kind of "god concept", or even superstitious lore like astrology, karma, ghosts, and other supernatural related ideas.

 

I'm a little wary of people who've claimed to be "atheists" since "childhood". Usually that's bullshit. Or bragging. We live in a culture that is conducive to religion and entertains a whole plethora of fantasy-thinking.

 

I think in some ways that it compels us to wisdom to have gone through the religion thing. I realize that it was harder on some than others, and I think that it is important to have a site like this where we can discuss "the damage".

 

People who don't think a whole lot about this stuff don't care about what many of us have gone through; and as far as the currently religious, I don't really think they know what to think about our story.

 

It seems to me at times that those who have been through the storm of it all are more compassionate and respectful of human suffering than all these stunned religious psychos walking around with their spaced-out ideas and their ego-driven slobbering excuses for a system of self-serving fantasies about invisible beings that are the only way to give themselves a sense of worth.

 

Something I used to believe in, but is now practically an alien concept at this point.

 

Peace. And don't feel shame.

 

Underneath it all is a bit of victory; and perhaps a stronger sense of experiencing our own autonomy and dignity.

I think you're right about having gone through our experiences. Working against the tide, despite the pull towards conformity, makes us better positioned (IMO) to rebut the religious arguments and resist religious indoctrination. I suspect that some atheists are that way by cultural default, and they may still be susceptible to the metaphysical distortions of religion.

 

Having said that, we didn't all work through things the same way, although many of us did. There are some ex-christians that left christianity because of the assholes they associated with, or some doctrine that pissed them off like hell), or just repeated failures to get god to respond. Some harbor deep seated beliefs that they either haven't examined or just feel comfortable with.

[hereticzero]

I've worked over the last few years to correct mistakes I made when a fundy. I'm a complete liberal compared to being a conservative fundy. I take a stand to support gay rights and same sex marriage, and I've been tearing Christians a new ass about the Uganda Christians murdering homosexuals. I also speak out for medicinal marijuana legislation and write letters and e-mail, I wrote letters during the campaign for it in Colorado. I used to feel guilty but lately, I've been feeling pretty good about myself!

[Moving on]

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. It's a lot to think about and sort through.