Finding A Wife/husband

[Mutate]

I must admit one of the main things that pushed me out was that i wanted a sex life and i had no confidence to find a wife who wanted to marry me. I did have a Christian girlfriend who wanted to marry (we had guilty sex too), but she wasnt right for me. I never thought id find the right woman in a church, or if i did it would take years, i didnt want the impatience of years of long, testing relationships before i had sex. I thought that finding the right person meant trying sex with people,,and i was horny too.

[Vixentrox]

Mail order bride perhaps?

[Franko47]

I'd like to order a whole harem.

 

 

 

Oh, wait. Maybe not.

[hereticzero]

My wife and I found each other through a video dating service in Denver, Colorado, in 1992 and we've been together almost 18 years now.

[ShallowByThyGame]

Your desire for sex is the most natural one you have, since it's the desire that your ancestors used to create you. I don't see anything wrong with two adults enjoying their most basic instincts, if they do so safely. I see beer and chocolate cake in the same category.

 

But finding a good life partner requires finding someone who accepts you for all you are, and that means you have to open yourself up to others so they can see who you are. Once you learn to communicate with others, you will have no trouble potential mates that you enjoy spending time with because they enjoy spending time with you. And if you are horny then they will accept that part too hopefully.

[Animania]

I wish I could give good advice, but this is probably the issue that christianity has screwed me on the hardest. Growing up with christianity telling me to keep it in my pants (even when I'm completely alone *sigh*) was something I took very seriously and had a hard time understanding why all the other guys I knew that were christians were such hypocrites about it. I couldn't even find girlfriends in church since I wasn't on fire enough to get the good girls, and I was way too goodie goodie to get the bad girls. I've been out of christianity for a couple years now, and am still frustrated by deep ingrained shames that were indoctrinated into me. Not trying to highjack this thread, but if anyone knows of any good books or webistes on how do deal with this, I would be all ears.

 

I'm glad to find a thread somewhat about this, I don't think I would have started one like it myself even though it's such a huge issue for me right now. Christianity has left me completely unable to relate with others sexually, and I hate it for it.

[Ro-bear]

I wish I could give good advice, but this is probably the issue that christianity has screwed me on the hardest. Growing up with christianity telling me to keep it in my pants (even when I'm completely alone *sigh*) was something I took very seriously and had a hard time understanding why all the other guys I knew that were christians were such hypocrites about it. I couldn't even find girlfriends in church since I wasn't on fire enough to get the good girls, and I was way too goodie goodie to get the bad girls. I've been out of christianity for a couple years now, and am still frustrated by deep ingrained shames that were indoctrinated into me. Not trying to highjack this thread, but if anyone knows of any good books or webistes on how do deal with this, I would be all ears.

 

I'm glad to find a thread somewhat about this, I don't think I would have started one like it myself even though it's such a huge issue for me right now. Christianity has left me completely unable to relate with others sexually, and I hate it for it.

 

Howdy, neighbor! Another Ex-Cer in paradise.

[Animania]

Howdy! We are practically neighbors.

[HRDWarrior]

My best advice - stop looking. Enjoy your life, get out and do what you enjoy doing, have some fun along the way (the one thing I regret not doing) and once you're out there being yourself, there's a much better chance of finding someone who would be a good long term relationship. I found myself, and from a number of other people I have known, that when we are trying too hard, it really does tend to make us approach things differently, and we tend to miss what would have otherwise been a great person for us.

[Euthyphro's Thorn]

It's often said that love will happen while you're not trying. For me, it happened while I was trying not to. We started as online acquaintances, bonded on the day we met in person a few years later, and tried to set boundaries to keep it from going beyond friendship. Guess what happened.

 

As HRDWarrior said, stop looking and just socialize. If you put yourself out there -- and I mean the real you -- that special someone will find you, even if neither of you are looking.

[ContraBardus]

I wish I could give good advice, but this is probably the issue that christianity has screwed me on the hardest. Growing up with christianity telling me to keep it in my pants (even when I'm completely alone *sigh*) was something I took very seriously and had a hard time understanding why all the other guys I knew that were christians were such hypocrites about it. I couldn't even find girlfriends in church since I wasn't on fire enough to get the good girls, and I was way too goodie goodie to get the bad girls. I've been out of christianity for a couple years now, and am still frustrated by deep ingrained shames that were indoctrinated into me. Not trying to highjack this thread, but if anyone knows of any good books or webistes on how do deal with this, I would be all ears.

 

I'm glad to find a thread somewhat about this, I don't think I would have started one like it myself even though it's such a huge issue for me right now. Christianity has left me completely unable to relate with others sexually, and I hate it for it.

 

We have an entire forum section for stuff like this.

 

It's the Sex and Christianity forum. Lots of topics like and similar to this one in there.

 

There's a lot of us that have similar issues and troubles like that, and the S&C forum for talking about or discussing advising on just that topic.

 

It's literally what it's there for.

[Vomit Comet]

Oh, fuck... yeah, I got fucked over in that department, too. I prayed and prayed and prayed that the Lord would lead me to a Godly wife. And the next thing you know, I was 26 fucking years old and still a virgin, with my last "girlfriend" (if you could call her that) having been four years prior, an emotionally damaged pastor's daughter with the worst body/intimacy issues imaginable.

 

Deep down in side, I just wanted to get laid for once in my miserable life. I finally couldn't take it anymore and became fuck-buddies with an atheist ladyfriend. Four months later I deconverted and kept on fuckin'. Even at the height of my Christian walk, I always secretly knew that p*COUGH*y was the most likely candidate for being my Achilles Heel. I knew that unless God kicked down with that Christian wife I was begging and pleading for, that p*SNIFF*y would be my undoing.

[kimsland]

Since both members who asked for help in this topic do not want a lasting relationship as such, but merely would like to experiment and have fun with sexual experiences, then this should be the replies (not how to find your future wife)

 

I totally agree that you should "sleep" together (basically have sex with) your partner before deciding on spending the rest of your life with them.

And this is the real issue itself. Basically "churchies" try to instill in you that the one you want to have consensual sex with, must also be the one that you love or have a long lasting relationship with.

 

What rot!

 

I'll tell you now that my first sexual encounter was with someone that I didn't love.

And from there (as the standard teenager at the time) I went about find many partners to just have pure sex with. You tell me what teenager knows what the hell love is anyway, very few and far between.

 

So yes socialize to the hilt. Make good social friends that have confidence around the opposite sex (or whatever your liking) And then socialize. Go out to night clubs, go to parties, and just chat to anyone you like. Remember you don't love them yet, and you may never love them, even after sex.

 

As your confidence builds so will your sexual relations with others.

After a few years or so of having (safe) sex with how many partners (even for one night) that you like.

Then decide to settle down and start choosing a bit more wisely someone who doesn't just arouse you sexually.

 

Make sure that you remember that you are not trying to find mr or miss perfect for sex, that happens much later on when you want to settle with a really long term relationship. ie these are separate issues, that only sometimes accidentally become the same thing. But not all the time.

 

ie Have fun

[bird28]

One of the main reasons why I want to move away from home, I'm not allowed to socialize, so I don't have a chance to find a guy... it's very depressing. I feel like I wasted college, I was heavy into CCC, and well yeah, those guys thought I wasn't Christian enough to like me (I wasn't as heavy into it as some of those guys).

 

I got a couple e-books about dating and sex and I can at least read up on the subject before I have a chance to practice it.

[kimsland]

I wonder what those e-books say?

Your first time may be not as good as first thought?

The act of love making is done with pure passion and trust?

Will the Earth move and more ludicrous words designed to scare you more?

 

And further ridiculous comments and non helpful advice?

 

The only way to learn from this is to actually do it

I didn't read any books, or have a set structure or sequence of steps.

How do you teach confidence and feelings anyway?

 

If you're suggesting that you have zero socializing at the moment, or there are other barriers and things to do before hand. Then maybe you are just not ready yourself.

Sex and love are not the same. So that's your decision: Do you want to have social sex or do you want to be in love?

 

I have no idea what CCC is, nor would I think that any guy what give two hoots to you being non christian enough just to have sex with. ie Most guys (ie 99.9%) couldn't care less.

If the "men" around you are not satisfied with your present look or way of life, then search elsewhere with different groups (I have the strangest of feelings that you haven't ventured out much)

 

Good luck, and I can't wait for your first reply after the act.

Oh, it's not all that fantastic as its hyped up to be.

No its not actually, but when you love the person it will be

 

So what's it to be sex or love? Or do you need to learn the step1 step2... first?

Whilst you're at it, please let me know where the book of life is, because I was thinking it was experience alone.

 

You don't need a book to learn about this

How old are you anyway? 12? 15 maybe? If so, then yes wait. Sex should be done when you have grown a little in your mind. For a girl I'd recommend minimum 16, and for a churchy girl say minimum 19, as most churchy girls are just babies in their mind.

[bird28]

I wonder what those e-books say?

Your first time may be not as good as first thought?

The act of love making is done with pure passion and trust?

Will the Earth move and more ludicrous words designed to scare you more?

 

And further ridiculous comments and non helpful advice?

 

The only way to learn from this is to actually do it

I didn't read any books, or have a set structure or sequence of steps.

How do you teach confidence and feelings anyway?

 

If you're suggesting that you have zero socializing at the moment, or there are other barriers and things to do before hand. Then maybe you are just not ready yourself.

Sex and love are not the same. So that's your decision: Do you want to have social sex or do you want to be in love?

 

I have no idea what CCC is, nor would I think that any guy what give two hoots to you being non christian enough just to have sex with. ie Most guys (ie 99.9%) couldn't care less.

If the "men" around you are not satisfied with your present look or way of life, then search elsewhere with different groups (I have the strangest of feelings that you haven't ventured out much)

 

Good luck, and I can't wait for your first reply after the act.

Oh, it's not all that fantastic as its hyped up to be.

No its not actually, but when you love the person it will be

 

So what's it to be sex or love? Or do you need to learn the step1 step2... first?

Whilst you're at it, please let me know where the book of life is, because I was thinking it was experience alone.

 

You don't need a book to learn about this

How old are you anyway? 12? 15 maybe? If so, then yes wait. Sex should be done when you have grown a little in your mind. For a girl I'd recommend minimum 16, and for a churchy girl say minimum 19, as most churchy girls are just babies in their mind.

 

Um, are you asking my age? I said I was in college in the past... I'm actually 27. And CCC is Campus Crusade for Christ, an evangelical Christian campus group. Those guys wouldn't want to have sex, I just wanted some sort of relationship. I was scared in college to hang out with anyone else though, cause I was taught they were bad people.

 

But right now, yeah, I have no chance to socialize outside my family at all. I live with my grandma, and she's so strict, she wouldn't let me go out with people as a teen and not even today! In the past when I did live on my own, I still had a hard time doing that. And well I was never taught about love or dating, I had no clue what it is like, and sometimes I feel like no guy will ever like me to show me.

 

Plus yes, I haven't been out much, I don't really know where to go. Right now I have no transportation, I live out in the country and can't walk anywhere, etc...

[Euthyphro's Thorn]

Oh, it's not all that fantastic as its hyped up to be.

Emotions, attraction, technique, frame of mind, etc., can all be factors. A good physical fit doesn't hurt. Sometimes it'll make you tingle all over, other times it may be a downer, but it's not the end all be all, and there will be someone out there who you'll be more compatible with.

 

No its not actually, but when you love the person it will be

Finding someone you connect with on every level (intellectually, emotionally, etc) can make it completely and utterly mind blowing.

 

Just go out there, have fun, stop looking, and be spontaneous (but safe). Whether you find a one night stand or two, or you find love, just enjoy what life has to offer. If you do have a 'bad' experience, just learn something from it and move on.

[kimsland]

I'm actually 27. And CCC is Campus Crusade for Christ, an evangelical Christian campus group. Those guys wouldn't want to have sex, I just wanted some sort of relationship.

ok, this further information does seem to help me understand your situation further.

 

Firstly I don't feel an ex-christian website would be the best place for a practicing Christian, going to some religious group.

Generally, you should seek advice from other Christians only, until such time that you believe that they are just not helping you in what you want out of life. And then move on.

 

I can't see someone in your present position finding a partner for the night, so obviously just sex is out of the question.

If you are looking for a "relationship" and haven't found anyone suitable (nor they with you) then you need to branch out. Meaning attending other groups of "socializing" with new friends.

To find new friends (that will help you) you will need to go elsewhere, possibly even moving away from your present group.

 

A young lady at say an over 25s club, will not be alone for long. So don't be frightened of taking the first steps of going to a club like this. Ideally bring a friend. But if none will go with you then they may not be all that understanding to your situation. OR they may have other ideas (no doubt speaking to your pastor or whoever is in charge, although I can't see how this would help at all)

 

There are also many chat sites online, even facebook itself and a million others (search Google for them, I found 31 million results)

What you need is a good friend or relative to take you out and show you what's out there

If you were with me, we'd be hitting the town tonight (ie closest city) and probably staying overnight. That's what friends do

 

Start by getting some social group of friends (online, or at church, or on a chat forum, or at your few social events that you must have)

Then go out. Oh and jazz yourself up a bit. New clothes and shoes can make a different person of you. But make them appealing to others (ie not your standard churchy clothes)

 

I hope this helps

[bird28]

I'm not in that group anymore, I am an exchristian. I was in college years ago.

[wt-hell?!]

kimsland, have you been actually reading any of what bird has posted?!

[kimsland]

kimsland, have you been actually reading any of what bird has posted?!

Strangely yes

 

Sorry I couldn't provide any helpful information to you, as I thought you still had Christian ways.

I'm trying to help you like you're 16 again. Because that's the kinda help you need (basic socializing skills)

 

You would think that you have developed somewhat, but obviously not. Due to your upbringing and present circle of living arrangements and what friends you may have.

 

If you feel that this type of advice is not for you (as I haven't understood this "bird")

Then please follow the e-books, or others advice here (no doubt books as well)

My feeling is you need more worldly experience but that's just an old timer way of thinking.

 

Good luck.

[ContraBardus]

I suspect Kim might be a confused Christian.

 

Not that confused believers unusual, but normally, such a lack of information in one's profile indicates a Christian who doesn't want the rest of us to notice their faith.

 

It's understandable as this is 'hostile territory' and all, but I must say it's suspicious at best.

 

Still, I don't think the advice was unsound, and well meaning at least.

 

The only problem I have is with 'discussing things with other Christians only'.

 

That statement alone turns a relatively decent piece of advice [though perhaps not really relevant to the discussion and a bit out of context] into an incredibly stupid and ignorant statement.

 

Why?

 

What purpose does only discussing things with people who already share your viewpoint serve?

 

That's terrible advice, even for a Christian.

 

It does nothing to broaden anyone's mind and only promotes a single minded ignorance of reality.

 

No, considering the opinions and views of others is how one broadens themselves. Sticking to a narrow minded dogma of those who only seek to support their own beliefs is just self inflicted ignorance.

 

It's horrible advice.

 

Even if you seek to oppose the view of another, you must still understand it. You cannot oppose an argument or view by way of your own ignorance on the subject. Shutting out the ideas and experiences of others who do not share your faith only makes you stupid and sheltered.

 

That is not a good thing. How do you expect to argue or decide against a position you do not understand? Others from your group cannot give you this information, they can only lead you astray and misinform you.

 

It can only be gained direct from the horse's mouth. Only direct exposure and interaction with those who do not share your views can truly inform you. It is something you must learn and experience for yourself, no apologetic or outside source can truly relate or teach you of it.

 

There is no book you can read or expert who can teach you better than learning from the source directly. Such things can perhaps give you a bit of a leg up, or a primer, but the only way to learn is direct exposure and personal study. Nothing else will do.

 

You do not learn about Evolution from Creationists who argue against it, just as you do not learn about Creationism from Evolutionist who speak against it.

 

You need to examine both sides of the argument and make a decision based on the weight of both arguments. You cannot trust either source to accurately represent the argument of the opposing view.

 

This is no different.

 

Even your enemies views and opinions are important to understand. You cannot hide or shield yourself from them, or they will destroy you.

 

"Know your enemy, and know yourself, and you need not fear the outcome of a thousand battles." - Sun Tsu

 

Learn it, know it, and use it, or sooner or later, your own ignorance will be your downfall.

 

There is no learning in merely seeking the advice of those who already agree with you.

 

That's not what learning is, that's just attempting to justify what you already believe. It's self inflicted ignorance.

[RankStranger]

I initially thought Kim was a christian, too- but another of her posts says otherwise. Just a misunderstanding, I think.

 

Don't take Contrabus here too seriously- he makes these page-long line-by-line rants all the time. I just kinda skim over them and go on. I like the comic book in his sig line, though.

[wt-hell?!]

I suspected Christian as well. But either way, kim keeps asking questions that Bird already answered, asking her age, keeps telling her she needs to get out and socialize. Bird already said her age and why her situation at home doesn't allow her to get out and socialize.

I just thought it strange how kim was answering but not really, kinda like s/he was just skimming and giving an already formulated opinion on the topic.

[Euthyphro's Thorn]

But right now, yeah, I have no chance to socialize outside my family at all. I live with my grandma, and she's so strict, she wouldn't let me go out with people as a teen and not even today! In the past when I did live on my own, I still had a hard time doing that. And well I was never taught about love or dating, I had no clue what it is like, and sometimes I feel like no guy will ever like me to show me.

 

Plus yes, I haven't been out much, I don't really know where to go. Right now I have no transportation, I live out in the country and can't walk anywhere, etc...

 

It sounds like the first thing you need to concentrate on is finding the means to move out on your own again. I rode a bicycle about 45 minutes to work when I was 16 (boy, did my butt get sore!), until I had saved up enough money for a car and first year of insurance, after which I drove to work. Would something like that be a possibility for you? If not, is there another family member or friend from high school or college who will take you in for a while, who is less strict and lives closer to civilization so you can get to and from a job?

 

In the meantime, perhaps someone will give you the password to the sex forum, where you can discuss these things in depth and read what others have gone through post-Christianity. I have access to that forum, but don't know the policy here on giving it out and don't want to step on anyone's toes. By the time you have better opportunity for romantic relationships, the advice you find here can help you have better success the 2nd time around.