ExChristians with Fundy Spouses

[necrosmith]

Or what do you plan on doing with the kids?

 

This has got to be the toughest thing to deal with.

 

I know I wouldn't want to raise my children to believe they are born evil, need Jesus, etc. How do you compromise with your fundy spouse? How do you deal with Grandma singing Jesus Loves Me to your kid? How do you deal with his cousins telling your kid about Jesus? How do you deal with them asking why you aren't having your child circumcised/dedicated to the Lard?

[Saviourmachine]

Or what do you plan on doing with the kids?

 

This has got to be the toughest thing to deal with.

 

I know I wouldn't want to raise my children to believe they are born evil, need Jesus, etc.  How do you compromise with your fundy spouse? How do you deal with Grandma singing Jesus Loves Me to your kid? How do you deal with his cousins telling your kid about Jesus? How do you deal with them asking why you aren't having your child circumcised/dedicated to the Lard?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Good questions. I'm still far too young (going on 25) for having kids. However, this very issue does already sometimes rear its ugly head in our relationship (10 months this very day! ).

I don't have any problems with them exposed to fairy tales told as if they were real. That happened to me most of my own childhood. I would certainly make them sure that I don't believe in hell or "a decision on earth that does have eternal consequences".

Tough too, will be how we will plan activities on sundays. She wants to go to church. I don't like it, and so we're going casually. However, she said that with kids she wants to go more often. That's certainly something I wouldn't approve of. So, I'm planning to search for a humanistic group or something alike that does organize activities on sundays. In that way we can do together her social activities every other sunday, and likewise mine.

However, if my kids will choose for christianity it would be hard for me if they would believe that I deserve or am going to hell. That would hurt.

[Amethyst]

I plan on marrying someone who is also agnostic and will not insist on religion. As for the relatives, I will tell them that I am raising them the way that I feel is best and if they want to convert at age 18, they can. I just would want to make sure any kids I have know how to think for themselves and use logical reasoning before they hit that magical age.

[spamandham]

I plan on marrying someone who is also agnostic and will not insist on religion.

 

Although a good idea, you can never know they won't "find Jesus" later on.

 

Back to the original question, I'm going through that myself. My wife isn't what I would call a fundy, but she is strongly religious and insists on raising the kids that way.

 

I have two choices as I see it:

1. Refuse to let her. She will probably leave me, the courts will give her the kids and she will end up raising them religious anyway

 

2. Let her do it. She will raise them religious, but they will see me not being religious. This will force them to think about it a bit more critically, or at least be tolerant of nonbelievers.

[necrosmith]

Although a good idea, you can never know they won't "find Jesus" later on.

 

Back to the original question, I'm going through that myself.  My wife isn't what I would call a fundy, but she is strongly religious and insists on raising the kids that way.

 

I have two choices as I see it:

1. Refuse to let her.  She will probably leave me, the courts will give her the kids and she will end up raising them religious anyway

 

2.  Let her do it.  She will raise them religious, but they will see me not being religious.  This will force them to think about it a bit more critically, or at least be tolerant of nonbelievers.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

That's an interesting way of looking at it, but aren't you concerned with the psychological damage they will incur from exposure to Christianity?

[spamandham]

That's an interesting way of looking at it, but aren't you concerned with the psychological damage they will incur from exposure to Christianity?

 

Yes, but until I deconvert my wife (not very likely), I don't see that I have a choice. Any suggestions?

[Bongo]

Same as spam.

 

Wife does all that iccky christian stuff like devotionals

 

I'm pretty quiet about it, except for dinner prayer Ritual which I always perform.

 

Hopefully kids are seeing there's an alternative to being like Mom.

[necrosmith]

Yes, but until I deconvert my wife (not very likely), I don't see that I have a choice.  Any suggestions?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

None whatsoever. I was looking for ideas on what other people do!

[Guest HydroTemplar]

i think what i would do is to actively teach them what i believe... i am pantheist, so i guess that would be easier than for an atheist, as there's not really much information to atheism... pretty much just no god, learn the rest in science class (correct me if i'm wrong)... i think the most important thing is to expose the kid to both philosophies and let them choose... also, teach them the beliefs of many religions... i don't know about you, but i wouldn't have any problem with my child believing what they choose (granted i would not approve of joining a suicidal cult or the such) we all strive to correct the mistakes our parents made in raising us in the way we raise our own children... i think that may be a large reason why i hope to be so accepting with my own...

[Lizard]

If you're already married/have kids (in whatever order that may be) its more difficult.

 

I now understand why a nonbeliever should not marry a believer. The conflict for the children must be tremendous.

 

It seems it would be unstable at best, mom and dad not agreeing on something so major. And if the believer is very fundiemental..can you imagine one of your parents believing the other will burn in hell for eternity?

 

These marriages don't do real well, from what I've seen. And when there is a split..it gets even uglier.

 

Of course, not all "mixed" marriages end this way. If there is enough love, often it can be overcome.

[Lilith]

If you're already married/have kids (in whatever order that may be) its more difficult.

 

I now understand why a nonbeliever should not marry a believer.  The conflict for the children must be tremendous. 

 

It seems it would be unstable at best, mom and dad not agreeing on something so major.  And if the believer is very fundiemental..can you imagine one of your parents believing the other will burn in hell for eternity?

 

These marriages don't do real well, from what I've seen.  And when there is a split..it gets even uglier.

 

Of course, not all "mixed" marriages end this way.  If there is enough love, often it can be overcome.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

My dh and I are one example of "love overcoming all." At least, so far so good.

 

He's fundy, I'm not. He has gone to church exactly one time since my deconversion, and I about lost my mind (carrying more emotional baggage than I thought, I guess). My freak-out affected him enough that he hasn't been back since, though he's "threatened" a few times. We are kind of in this default mode for now.....he has the kids pray over dinner most nights that we eat together, but that's about it. I really don't know where it will go from here, but for now, I'm enjoying our relationship.

 

Wasn't much help, was I?

[spamandham]

These marriages don't do real well, from what I've seen.  And when there is a split..it gets even uglier.

 

While probably true, most marriages don't do to well anyway. If I had life to live over again, I wouldn't marry.

[Lizard]

While probably true, most marriages don't do to well anyway.  If I had life to live over again, I wouldn't marry.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That's too true, unfortunately. I don't think I would either, assuming I would know then what I know now..and my marriage is relatively good..

[Light_of_Reason]

Well, my plan is to let wife teach the children her brand of religion, but when they are old enough, I will be teaching them some comparative religion/mythology, rational thought, and logic so that they can decide for themselves.

 

Sometimes my wife doesn't exactly agree with this approach, and I know her family doesn't, but they respect me and her enough to let us do things our way, which is greatly appreciated.

 

I guess I'm one of the lucky few who married into a fundamentalist family that has enough sense left to respect differing viewpoints and beliefs.

[Guest Ariesix]

I'm New here, and this is my first reply...

 

I've been an X christian for quite some time now.. My advice (and this is only what I do).. would be to let others have their way/words with your kids.

 

Just make sure you prepare your kids ahead of time with words like "And this is what they will say... and they will try to scare you with concepts of "hell" etc etc.."..--but just know that the Devil does not exist". Ask them questions like "Does it really sound fair for an Innocent man to DIE for your sins?" "Shouldn't we pay for our own sins?.. Let them know we pay for our sins in THIS life."

 

I tell my kids to "go along with it"... This is what your mi mi believes, and even though we know it's not true, we won't argue with her, but just say uh huh.. we then talk privately about what she or anyone else says later...

 

Of course-- if your a new ex christian-- it's a bit too hard to "go along with things".. It takes time-- To be honest, now, I could go into a church (which I haven't done--nor could have done in the past)-- but, I could now-- and even sing silly hymns.. go to sunday school-- playing the whole role of a happy- love filled xtian. But why would I waste my precious time like that? It doesn't bother me like it had in the past. Christianity is so absurd-- that a child can honestly see the falacies in it.

 

My mother worries so much about me not being a xtian anymore (and my 3 sons).. she cries often. Sometimes I think "maybe I'll tell her that I found jesus again -- he was stuck in a piece of Charmin--ran him through the washer--

but I know that I'd be teaching my children to lie-- pretending to be what your not--just for others... So, perhaps if I die before my mother... She will find it in her heart to question her religion-- in the hopes that I may have been right after all-- and she just might see me again (or see nothing else)..

 

Wishful thinking..

April

[Guest Ariesix]

One more thing,

 

My husband lost his religion after I lost mine. He was never a strong xtian to begin with.. I talked him through everything I went through at the time... I'm very lucky; however, even if one spouse believes and the other doesn't.. it just provides for a much more rich learning environment for kids (despite what you may think---they are not going to grow up confused). Kids don't have to grow up with only one teaching at a time. They can understand that millions of people believe millions of different things. Daddy believes this, Mommy doesn't. I'd encourage them to ask the kind of questions that are so hard for Christians to answer. Why does Deut say that a child cannot be put to death for the sins of Parents, nor Parents for children-- EVERYONE must die for their OWN sins, yet Jesus--as God the Parent disobeys his own law? ETC ETC...