Guest end3 Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Women, Admittedly this sounds strange, but I would appreciate a perspective on the criteria you used to willingly give your virginity to another. I am not referring to anything forced, i.e. rape, abused as a child, but willingly, as an discerning woman, the physical and/or "spiritual" qualities that you used to allow this to transpire. I ask this to gain insight into my own Christian perspective. Thank you, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotBlinded Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Ummm...well, I was just horny. I wish it would have been something a little more than that, but it wasn't. Too much drink and too many drugs. I didn't see it as giving anything away to anybody as a gift, but gaining something for myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvless Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 I fell in love and one thing led to another. It was just the right person at the right time so it felt right- I didn't have to think twice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seeking26 Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Commitment. I had always been unwilling to sleep with any guy who wasn't committed to our relationship. I lost my virginity after getting engaged, just a couple of days before the wedding. At the time I waited so long for spiritual reasons but I've realized since then that my values in that area haven't changed much. If I were ever single again, I would have to be in love and I know I could never sleep with someone unless they had articulated some sort of commitment to a long term relationship. Not that I think it's wrong if other people chose to do differently, I'm just saying that would be my personal preference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redlemon Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 I loved him. Simple as that. Granted, it was only a high school love and we broke up eventually, but I don't regret it. He was (and still is) a great guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valdes Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Why are you asking this only of women? As if women were the only ones who "gave" something away when they lost their virginity. What about men? Does it not matter as much when men lose their virginity because the Bible doesn't speak of virgin men like it does of women, because men don't have a hymen? And why are you asking a question to gain "insight" on your "Christian perspective" on an EX-christian website?? Sounds creepy to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotBlinded Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Why are you asking this only of women? As if women were the only ones who "gave" something away when they lost their virginity. What about men? Does it not matter as much when men lose their virginity because the Bible doesn't speak of virgin men like it does of women, because men don't have a hymen? And why are you asking a question to gain "insight" on your "Christian perspective" on an EX-christian website?? Sounds creepy to me. I thought that too and I expect to be judged differently on my response than a man would. We'll see. I know why he's asking I'm pretty sure, but I'll let him answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OpheliaGinger Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Why are you asking this only of women? As if women were the only ones who "gave" something away when they lost their virginity. What about men? Does it not matter as much when men lose their virginity because the Bible doesn't speak of virgin men like it does of women, because men don't have a hymen? And why are you asking a question to gain "insight" on your "Christian perspective" on an EX-christian website?? Sounds creepy to me. Quoted for truth. To me, virginity is just a concept that extends past the dictionary definition of sexual/vaginal intercourse. My personal definition of virginity is not knowing anything about sex and sexuality (prepubescent childhood), then you loose it once you find out what sex is and or masturbate, so according to my definition, I gave up my virginity when I started watching pornos (this was even before I hit pubescents) and when I actually started to self-pleasure--I gave it up to myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
godlessgrrl Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 I'm assuming here that you're thinking that losing one's virginity involves the first time one has penis-in-vagina intercourse, rather than any other kind of sexual activity. But I'm going to answer differently anyway. I first got sexual at all with a guy because I was in love and horny. First intercourse was an assault, so I can't count it as a willful loss of virginity, and I think you've ruled that out anyway in your OP. The first time I willingly had intercourse though, I did it because I was infatuated with a guy who was less than enthused about a relationship with me, and I had such poor self-esteem that I gave in to the pressure to have sex because I thought it meant I'd keep him. So sex was an emotional bargaining chip, if you will. Needless to say, it didn't work, and he wasn't worth it anyway - he was a jerk, and was terrible in bed. Lessons were learned and having sex with the next guy was a lot more positive experience, so it wasn't much of a loss in the long run. Why are you asking? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galien Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 I first had sex at 16 with the man I was planning to marry two months later. I was a christian, he wasn't. I was terrified and was so smashed on Southern Comfort I barely remember it. I kind of thought it was okay because we were getting married. I adored him, I wanted to be with him forever. Unfortunately we were too young and both had abusive backgrounds and the marriage became violent. But I will say he tried for six months before I was ready to give it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midnight-mindwanderings Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 I first had sex with my now husband when I was 18, 2 and half years after we started dating. For maybe a year we weren't having sex because I felt morally compelled to wait but I wasn't emotionally ready for it anyway. I had a lot of sexual abuse issues to work out before I could really make love without it triggering painful memories. Once I was able to move past it, sex was actually very spiritual for me. It was the culmination of my rebirth as a person and represented the force of creation overcoming destruction. I am weird though and actually think like this. Having sex for the first time was extremely powerful, taking control of my life and regaining what had been previously taken from me. My husband is an amazing and patient man to have waited that long (when all his other friends were having sex) especially since he was able to handle all the baggage I had in that department with acceptance and love and support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abiyoyo Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Ah, memories. I told her to be gentile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotBlinded Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Ah, memories. I told her to be gentile. Why? Was she a Jew? I like your new avatar by the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaraOlive Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 I lost my virginity to my ex-husband and I regret it. I'd have rather had first time sex with one of my teenage boyfriends when I felt ready (but denied myself because of my Christian beliefs) than trying to force a connection because of a desire to hurry up and get the whole marriage thing over with. I hesitate to say that I willingly gave it up- I was anxious to get rid of it and there was no coercion involved, but I wasn't sexually or physically attracted to the man who I'd already committed to marrying. But once we had considered marriage, it became less of a question of what I wanted to do and more of an issue of GOD'S WILL FOR OUR LIVES. I was promised that if I waited for my future husband, our first time and our marital life would be special and fulfilling in a way that no one night stand could ever be. That was a disgusting lie. It was just bad sex. After the deconversion and divorce, I had sex with people who I was attracted to. They didn't have to have any sort of special "spiritual" qualities, although I avoided men who I thought would not be respectful of me or who had a lot of baggage. Every one of those encounters ended up being better than the farce that was modeling the love of Christ and the church, the farce that was a pure Christian marriage. I wish that I could have had sex for the first time in any way besides that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celeste Posted February 27, 2010 Share Posted February 27, 2010 Recently, with my fiance. It was a beautiful, but painful experience, lots of love, and no regrets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Objet_trouve24 Posted February 27, 2010 Share Posted February 27, 2010 Am I the first to post here that I lost my virginity to a woman? You should know, when I was 19, I was doing the true love waits thing and ex-gay "therapy". In bible belt Texas. I didn't even know there was any such thing as bisexual... in short, I was a MESS when I finally lost my virginity. I won't go into the full story right now, as it's lengthy (and I more want to save that for when I post my de-conversion story), but my experience was insane, full of "hey let's watch a movie/play a game/how bout them cowboys?" to avoid it, or "I can't explain, I just have to leave RIGHT NOW!" after starting to mess around. In fact, I ran away from home for three days to get enough quiet to be able to think straight. I was damned lucky to have found a girl who would put up with my fundie-BS! It was a REALLY hard choice to make, as I was in ministry and was training for a life of mission work. What finally did it for me was the realization that I was head over heels in love with this woman, and that I did not in the slightest feel like what I was doing was a sin. I was more worried about how my church and family would react. I was afraid of hell, but in all my years of living as a good christian, I can't think of a time I wasn't afraid of hell! I told god that if what I was doing was wrong, I trusted him to help me feel it (I never did). I went back to her, and lost my virginity that afternoon. No talk. I just knocked on her door and said "I believe I'm in love you, can we do what we tried to do the other day?". After it was over I told her about my decisions. She hugged me and said she was sorry I had to go through so much to be with her. She said she was proud of me for taking my time, because it showed her how important to me she was. So, in light of that, I'd say my criteria was love. But also that this had to be good for my life. I had to have some relative knowledge that my life would be in some way better after than before. It really was. Losing my virginity calmed me down,expanded my mind and led to me becoming the person I am today. I'm not with that girl now (we had a beautiful relationship that ended a year and a half later, it was for the best), but I don't for a second regret the choice I made. I would tell my children to have a similar criteria. You don't have to be in love, but at least love. Do it when you're 95% sure you're ready (you'll never be all the way ready). Does that help? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phanta Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 It was a hands-on fact-gathering mission into sexual dynamics. I was exposed to lots of ideas from various sources regarding what sex is. I decided to find out what made sense to me by trying stuff. I went for a start with no love, no pain, no regrets...isolate the mechanical aspects. I found someone decent who could get on board with that. I learned a lot. Phanta Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gypsy79 Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 I fell in love and one thing led to another. It was just the right person at the right time so it felt right- I didn't have to think twice. Me too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bird28 Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 I'm still a virgin. Anyway, I want someone that cares more about me than just be a body. I want a guy that is intellectually stimulating, cause I'm into sciences and I think someone like that would be cool. It can't just be casual either, but I wouldn't matter if the relationship didn't last forever either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeLily Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 One of the great joys of my deconversion in my early 20's was no longer being bound by Christianity's archaic, warped view of sex. Since I had already waited so long, I didn't want to just go out and randomly make up for lost time. So I resolved to wait for someone I had a committed relationship with, someone I deeply cared about. I'd lost my religion, not my standards! When I did meet someone and began seeing him, it was basically the first adult relationship I'd ever had with a man. Sex was simply a natural progression of the bond we shared. Ironically he was a physician, and I told him a little of my background, and he made sure BC and health issues were covered. He was the absolute best first lover a woman could ask for, and we shared many happy times together. Ultimately we both figured out that our lives weren't traveling in similar directions. I won't say our breakup didn't tear me out of the frame, but I recovered to love again. It was SUCH a relief not to feel like an outcast for being 24 and single (as I'd been in church circles -- no more getting fixed up with missionaries, yay!) I dated a lot of guys over the years after that. I didn't sleep around, but I wasn't uptight about sex. In other words, a normal young woman. The whole idea of a woman "giving" herself to a man is anathema to me. It sounds subservient. I prefer the word "share;" it implies that the affection is mutual. So I can't say I had (when I was single) "criteria" with a partner; it was more of asking if this is something I'd like to share with this person in the context of our existing relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seeking Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 Criteria? It was my wedding night, and he was my husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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