pandora Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 I thought it might be interesting to read how everyone's current situation is regarding who has deconverted, who hasn't, the issues it brings up, how you deal with it etc... We have talked about this a lot (esp about kids), but I am more interested in how it affected everyone's relationships with their significant other (or others in the case of nivek). My story begins with me taking lots of religion classes at a liberal arts university where I am getting my Doctor of Pharmacy. After a couple years of classes, I deconvert. My story is in the testimony section somewhere if you want the details. My husband was a biology major in part, and he believes in evolution. This was the beginning of his journey as well. We both became fed up with the way the Campus Crusade for Christ organization is operated, but still tried to find another Christian community to fellowship with. The search never produced fruit, so we didn't attend for a couple years, except around when we got married. We had lots of conversations over the years, each of us causing the other to think. I forgot to mention that my husband still considered himself Christian up until about 8 months ago (we have been married almost two years). I remember being upset and hurt by the fact that he honestly thought I was going to hell. It also hurt me to see him struggle with the fact that in his mind, he wouldn't get to be with me in heaven. For the most part, the discussions were calm and intellectual, but sometimes they got emotional and heated. I couldn't believe such a smart man could believe all that BS and he couldn't believe his Christian (but still independent) wife had changed into smart man could believe the bullshit someone quite different since we started dating. (We met at a Billy Graham thingie!) Then one day, out of the blue, he decides he agrees with me. He deconverts It was after his solitary journey one Sunday morning to a Friends meeting. I guess something about how he didn't connect with any denomination spurred a deluge of "ah ha!" thoughts. It all came together for him. Today, he struggles with guilt and fear and such a lot more than I do. I more miss the community and sense of stability it gave me. But, despite the pain it took to get to this point, I wouldn't give it up for the world. We once again have a major issue to "bond" over, and our minds are free. "Selling the Drama" by Live is like our theme song. We when first dated, we loved the music, but felt guilty for liking it and hearing those evil words. Rather, I guess it was prophetic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanakila Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 My deconversion testimony is in the testimony section. My husband was actually ahead of me in deconverting by a week or so, and talking to me about stuff. I was upset at first as I struggled with being married to an atheist, and our marriage had never been in question. But, I wasn't far behind him in deconverting, and in fact went much further than him, in that I call myself an atheist, and he calls himself a liberal Christian. The deconversion was what led to our separation, but not in the way that Christians would assume. Our marriage had been built on fundy principles of the man being in charge, and controlling. I accepted it as a believer, but as a deconvert could not accept it any longer. I thought this meant we had no hope and so we separated, and remained so for 15 months. We recently reconciled and are working at it. I'll let you know how it goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pandora Posted September 7, 2005 Author Share Posted September 7, 2005 Good luck with your reuinion. It takes time and a lot of re-thinking of routines, roles, everything... but it is worth it. As long as you both are handling the deconversion without any major baggage, it will be easy. My hubby still has some heavy baggage, but not in areas that would affect us, it it's cool. I hope the same goes for your two! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trashy Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 For some reason my wife has just followed me along. It usually goes something like this: 1) I get a wild hair and start researching the hell out of something; 2) I tell her what I'm finding; 3) She asks me lots of questions and we talk about it; 4) Idea is either rejected or accepted by both of us, with me being ahead of her by a week or two This applies to many areas of life. Charismania, adult beverages, non-tithing, non-church-attending, Preterism, Deconversion. Same pattern. Now it's all on the table. If I got a job offer from a stable company that also happened to sell porn I'd do it in a heartbeat. I am *still* forgetting that it's OK for me to get drunk (as opposed to merely getting a buzz). (maybe the hangovers are partially latent guilt?) LOL And I am definitely taking the lead in sexual exploration. My wife has actually considered herself somewhat sexually dysfunctional because she has rarely been that excited about it, regardless of the many different suggestions we've tried over the years. But a few nights of blindfolds, restraints and vibrators and she's turning into a horny love slave! Hell, if nothing else that might be what tips the scales and takes her from a Theist to full atheism. (she's still holding on to an intelligent first-mover/creator idea) I can't imagine the heartache of ending up on different sides of the aisle on the issue of deities. I sympathize with all who struggle with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 1) I get a wild hair and start researching the hell out of something;2) I tell her what I'm finding; 3) She asks me lots of questions and we talk about it; 4) Idea is either rejected or accepted by both of us, with me being ahead of her by a week or two Wow, I could have written that myself. Scary. Fortunately though my wife was born a communist atheist and the issue of religion has never been one she had to deal with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizard Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 Just before deconverting..I went through a period of extreme fundyism. The worst ever. My husband hated it. Then, over a period of about a week or two, I crashed hard. It all seemed so unreal. I didn't tell him at first. I couldn't sleep, eat or think for quite a while. He was convinced I was having an internet affair. When I finally told him I didn't believe any of the bullshit anymore, he was relieved (that it wasn't an affair, lol!) We never spent alot of time going to church together. I think in our 18 years together we went to church (excluding weddings and funerals) maybe twice. He's still a believer of sorts. He's also in some denial about my nonbelief. His belief only goes so far as "I believe you gotta believe in Jesus to go to heaven." But..his view of "heaven" and "hell" are totally different than traditional christianity. Heaven=your spirit is free to fly around wherever it wants and do whatever it wants. Hell=like being in jail. Can't do anything or go anywhere. I kinda follow his "heaven" view, but not for those who are "good" or "believe in something specific to get there". I have no belief in hell, other than hell of our own making. Its not caused any real conflict in our relationship. He kinda goes along with me, lol.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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