I've Done It - Very Nervous Now!

[kazza]

I gave my mum a letter this afternoon explaining clearly and as succinctly as i could that i am no longer a christian or believe in god or jesus. I didnt bother going into long explanations as i think this would just bore her (she just wouldnt really be interested) and i just wanted to give her the basic facts and then anything else could be followed up in conversation (though i didnt specifically say that was my intention). Anyway - i left it on the fireplace and told her i had left her a note there as i was leaving.

 

I wasnt expecting to feel this badly about it - i feel kinda upset and very edgy and nervous about her reaction. I wanted to call this evening because i'm worried about her being upset but also havent phoned because i'm not feeling tough enough to deal with the real possibility of her being very scathing, accusatory and negative towards me. We have a kinda strained but ok relationship - we have very different opinions and approaches to life and we struggle to keep things on an even keel between us, i am a really sensitive person and my mum is so NOT - ha!!

 

I'm not sure what to do next...i usually see her once a week with the kids and she usually phones me inbetween. I feel like i wanna know her reaction and dont like the suspence of waiting but also dont want to speak to her if she is gonna say potentially hurtful stuff cos i've rung before she has had a chance to rationalise or something - not that her later reaction would necessarily be any different to her first reaction anyway. But she may be waiting for me to phone to see how she is after the news and think i dont care if i dont phone and then get a mood on with me cos i've not phoned!!! Arrgh - all this second guessing does my head in!!!

 

I think i wanna reassure her its not her fault or that i'm not doing it to get at her and i need to be able to say that talking to her but also i dont want to risk being hurt myself.

 

Anyway - not sure why i'm posting this - just had to get it off my chest and thought also there is a chance someone else may have had a similar situation and feelings - thanks for listening anyway

[Seeking]

I sent my parents a similar letter a few weeks back (via e-mail). Although I was so stressed out with anticipation and dread of their reaction, I chose not to make the first move. I wanted to give them time to work it out before talking to them, so I didn't call or e-mail again. 24 hours later, I heard back. Those were probably the longest 24 hours of my life!

[StevoMuso]

Anyway - not sure why i'm posting this - just had to get it off my chest and thought also there is a chance someone else may have had a similar situation and feelings - thanks for listening anyway

Nice post Kazza, thanks for your openness. I was deeply moved by your dilemma, and can relate to your story in many ways. I became an atheist 14 years ago but my family were (are still) very religious. I wanted to share what had been a profound and life-changing experience, and obtain my parent's understanding if not their approval, but at the same time I didn't want to hurt them unduly or experience rejection from them. Please post again once you have had a response, Kazza, and let us know how things turned out. I, for one, have found the Ex-C crowd to be extremely supportive of this kind of thing.

 

BTW my 21 yr-old daughter has STILL not told her Mom (my ex-) that she's been an atheist since she was 15. After the entire upheaval of her Mom divorcing me for my lost faith, and her brother (my 15 yr-old) announcing his atheism, she didn't want to add to her Mom's pain. "Telling parents" is a huge issue with many people, and, I imagine, was an issue with many members here.

 

Please let us know what happens

[Andy]

I think a letter is a great way to do it. I find that no matter how well I plan a verbal conversation it never ends up going well. Some people are just better at writing than speaking. Play to your strengths. Good luck!

[★ Citsonga ★]

Good luck, Kazza. I still haven't had the guts to tell my parents, I've just let things ride. Hope all goes well in your situation.

[Kyle]

Good luck. I probably won't ever tell my mom. She has health problems and this will only add to it.

[dichotomy]

I still haven't written to my family yet, I can't quite take the step. Well done to you, I think it's brave and I hope that it will work out well for you. I agree that letter is a good way but the suspense can be difficult! Good luck x

[kazza]

Well - heres the update - it was my birthday 2 days after i gave my mum the letter so i waited till the evening to ring her and say thanks for my card and present - we had a shortish conversation about what i had said in my letter as she was on her way out to help with the church youth group. One of the first things she said was that she felt like she has lost a daughter - ouch! - then she mentioned a few things which i kinda rebuffed - the whole 'i have had answers to prayer thing' was one. Then she said it was also so upsetting cos i never got much time with my dad here on earth (he died when i was 6 and my sis was 4) and she was hoping we would all be a family again in heaven but that now that would not happen - ie i am going to hell!!!

 

I said the whole thing about - so she is happy to follow a god who would send me to hell and she said he isnt sending me to hell i am choosing hell - he gives us the choice - to which i replied 'ok so you are happy to believe in a god who would ALLOW me to go to hell?' to which she muttered something i'm not sure of.

 

Then she was saying that its strange i feel like this cos people find such comfort in christianity but that i seem to have always felt it was a burden (dont know where she got that one from, other than i have challenged a lot of the beliefs for years and have been a very liberal christian compared to her more fundamental ways) and then went on to say that maybe i had never really felt gods presence in my life and that she has and thats why she believes.

 

She said some other stuff too - i had answers for it all of course but still i got off the phone feeling really shook up and upset even though it wasnt a very long conversation.

 

She wants to have another conversation about it cos she would like to know why i dont believe anymore. My initial reaction was - ok i will arrange to meet with her to do that, BUT now i'm thinking that probably isnt a good idea. Our relationship is strained at the best of times and i can very easily imagine hurtful things being said - i mean just in that short 5 minute conversation she managed to fit quite a few hurtful and/or insulting things in and i just dont want to subject myself to that or the god-bashing and 'after all that jesus went through for you you are rejecting him' crap and then the 'i wash my hands of you you are going to hell' that will no doubt be a part of it too. Also i know it will make me so angry and there are so many 'home truths' i could reveal to my mum that i constantly keep under lock and key for the sake of maintaining a liveable relationship with her because at the end of the day she does actually care about me in her own way, and of course there are the kids to consider.

 

I think i need to once and for all learn a lesson i learned for a short while when i was a kid - i remember us driving to church on sunday, i was probably about 10, and i was wondering why we were born in a particluar place and a particular time (i was a very deep thinker even then!) and i remember thinking out load to my mum 'i wonder why i was born here in england in this particular time and not years ago or in america or somewhere else?' immediately she shouted angrily ' just be glad you werent born in bangledesh where all those floods are - be grateful for what you've got!!!" I remember really wanting to explain myself and tell her i didnt mean it as she took it and yes i wonder why i wasnt born in bangledesh and not here but i knew that if i went to try and explain she would just scream and shout at me to shut up and "stop going on" which i heard a lot when i was little when i tried to express my thoughts to her. Anyway in that moment i let go of the need for her to understand me - i just thought - let her think what she wants i cont be bothered to fight with her over it as she would make sure i lose by simple intimidation - it felt very liberating and i think i managed to keep that attitude for a short while but i soon forgot the lesson and i think in a lot of ways i have always tried to gain her approval and desperately want her to understand and accept me for me - but i think that 10 year old girl was perhaps very wise and i should finally learn the lesson once and for all, to just be me and let go of my need for her to understand and accept who i really am.

 

Right, i'm off to try and let go - lol!!!

[Kurari]

"he isnt sending me to hell i am choosing hell - he gives us the choice - "

 

Some choice. "Obey me and my insanely stupid whims nobody can agree on, or go to never ending torture."

 

That's really not a choice of any sort.

 

I'm sorry this is going to be rough. But I admire you for your courage. Things are going to be hairy for a while, but you'll make it through.

[ebonileigh]

Hi Kazza,

 

I really do feel for you, most sincerely. Most children seek the approval of their parents, even long into their adulthood. My only advice is that if I were you I wouldn't argue with her, however, stand your ground, be firm, draw that line in the sand, set boundaries, be true to yourself, especially now that you are free and liberated from the tyranny of religion.

 

I wish you well.

[Llwellyn]

i knew that if i went to try and explain she would just scream and shout at me to shut up and "stop going on" which i heard a lot when i was little when i tried to express my thoughts to her. Anyway in that moment i let go of the need for her to understand me - i just thought - let her think what she wants i cont be bothered to fight with her over it as she would make sure i lose by simple intimidation - it felt very liberating and i think i managed to keep that attitude for a short while but i soon forgot the lesson and i think in a lot of ways i have always tried to gain her approval and desperately want her to understand and accept me for me - but i think that 10 year old girl was perhaps very wise and i should finally learn the lesson once and for all, to just be me and let go of my need for her to understand and accept who i really am.

 

Well done as an 10 year old! Don't blame yourself for forgetting the lesson -- the seed was evidently planted in a sure way, as proven by the fact that you are here today and can think objectively and critically about the irrationality of her reaction, and about the nonsensicality of the religion. You did well and you are doing well. That is something to be proud of! Believe me when I say that your mother chose to react out of petty narrow-mindedness when there were an infinite number of positive ways she could have reacted to your youthful philosophizing. I am optimistic that you will be a better parent than she was. The world is improving.

[StevoMuso]

Anyway in that moment i let go of the need for her to understand me - i just thought - let her think what she wants i cont be bothered to fight with her over it as she would make sure i lose by simple intimidation - it felt very liberating and i think i managed to keep that attitude for a short while but i soon forgot the lesson and i think in a lot of ways i have always tried to gain her approval and desperately want her to understand and accept me for me - but i think that 10 year old girl was perhaps very wise and i should finally learn the lesson once and for all, to just be me and let go of my need for her to understand and accept who i really am.

I'm in my 50s now and I still want my folks to simply understand me. I don't think this ever leaves us. Unfortunately the religion-thing means they will always view our choice for non-religion as the "wrong" thing.

[lonelee]

Well - heres the update - it was my birthday 2 days after i gave my mum the letter so i waited till the evening to ring her and say thanks for my card and present - we had a shortish conversation about what i had said in my letter as she was on her way out to help with the church youth group. One of the first things she said was that she felt like she has lost a daughter - ouch! - then she mentioned a few things which i kinda rebuffed - the whole 'i have had answers to prayer thing' was one. Then she said it was also so upsetting cos i never got much time with my dad here on earth (he died when i was 6 and my sis was 4) and she was hoping we would all be a family again in heaven but that now that would not happen - ie i am going to hell!!!

 

I said the whole thing about - so she is happy to follow a god who would send me to hell and she said he isnt sending me to hell i am choosing hell - he gives us the choice - to which i replied 'ok so you are happy to believe in a god who would ALLOW me to go to hell?' to which she muttered something i'm not sure of.

 

Then she was saying that its strange i feel like this cos people find such comfort in christianity but that i seem to have always felt it was a burden (dont know where she got that one from, other than i have challenged a lot of the beliefs for years and have been a very liberal christian compared to her more fundamental ways) and then went on to say that maybe i had never really felt gods presence in my life and that she has and thats why she believes.

 

She said some other stuff too - i had answers for it all of course but still i got off the phone feeling really shook up and upset even though it wasnt a very long conversation.

 

She wants to have another conversation about it cos she would like to know why i dont believe anymore. My initial reaction was - ok i will arrange to meet with her to do that, BUT now i'm thinking that probably isnt a good idea. Our relationship is strained at the best of times and i can very easily imagine hurtful things being said - i mean just in that short 5 minute conversation she managed to fit quite a few hurtful and/or insulting things in and i just dont want to subject myself to that or the god-bashing and 'after all that jesus went through for you you are rejecting him' crap and then the 'i wash my hands of you you are going to hell' that will no doubt be a part of it too. Also i know it will make me so angry and there are so many 'home truths' i could reveal to my mum that i constantly keep under lock and key for the sake of maintaining a liveable relationship with her because at the end of the day she does actually care about me in her own way, and of course there are the kids to consider.

 

I think i need to once and for all learn a lesson i learned for a short while when i was a kid - i remember us driving to church on sunday, i was probably about 10, and i was wondering why we were born in a particluar place and a particular time (i was a very deep thinker even then!) and i remember thinking out load to my mum 'i wonder why i was born here in england in this particular time and not years ago or in america or somewhere else?' immediately she shouted angrily ' just be glad you werent born in bangledesh where all those floods are - be grateful for what you've got!!!" I remember really wanting to explain myself and tell her i didnt mean it as she took it and yes i wonder why i wasnt born in bangledesh and not here but i knew that if i went to try and explain she would just scream and shout at me to shut up and "stop going on" which i heard a lot when i was little when i tried to express my thoughts to her. Anyway in that moment i let go of the need for her to understand me - i just thought - let her think what she wants i cont be bothered to fight with her over it as she would make sure i lose by simple intimidation - it felt very liberating and i think i managed to keep that attitude for a short while but i soon forgot the lesson and i think in a lot of ways i have always tried to gain her approval and desperately want her to understand and accept me for me - but i think that 10 year old girl was perhaps very wise and i should finally learn the lesson once and for all, to just be me and let go of my need for her to understand and accept who i really am.

 

Right, i'm off to try and let go - lol!!!

First off, good for you to have the courage to express your true feelings and beliefs to your mom. It doesn't matter how, when, where, or even who we are...it's a difficult thing to do. I wrote my family (and my wife's family) a letter nearly a year ago now. It was one of the most liberating, yet terrifying things I've ever done. I was 35 years old at the time. It's funny how even as an independent adult, we can revert to our childhood fears about certain things, religion definitely being one of them. But that might speak volumes about religion itself more than anything. And perhaps our fundamentalist families. I think really, we don't want to be shunned by anyone, especially those we love. But I'm getting off track here.

 

I recently had a conversation with my mom and she told me about an experience with answered prayer she had that has made her a believer ever since. She told me that the holy spirit softly spoke to her and reassured her that her prayer would be answered as she hoped it would be. And she said it was! I was very happy for her, but did tell her of my dud holy spirit experience. The only thing I could make of it was that I was creating the experience in my own head. She didn't have much to say to me other than she would pray for me. However, she was very sincere and loving through it all. I've got a really good family! But when you talk about thinking deeply about things even as a child, I also did. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if everyone here did/does that, and this is really the reason for critically examining the faith. When I was about 8 or 9 I think, I remember asking why we don't see biblical miracles today. The answer I was given was, we don't have the faith required for those miracles to take place. I guess people thousands of years ago had much more faith. (Not to mention much less logic and scientific reasoning.) Like you, kazza, I've often wondered what I would be like having been born in a different time/location. I use this argument still today. Most Christians are born into Christianity. But what if you were born into Islam (I use that faith a lot for a good reason). And even those people who convert to Christianity in their teen or adult years are doing so mainly in Christian societies. The Christian influence is there. But what if we lived in an Islamic society? Would we not be Muslims? It's hard to say, but I think likely we would.

 

Anyway, kudos to you for stepping up to the plate and taking a stand. I hope all goes well if you do decide to get together with your mom again. Take care!