BLACKGRAVITY Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 Test Those Christians: A Non-believer's Guide For Testing The True Christian. The Question So what is a non-believer to do today with all these seemingly dizzy people claiming to be Christians. It seems you meet these people everywhere. You just can't get away from them. They are in the office, swinging through the restaurant, on your computer network, cruising the beach and parading in that crowded john. Just when you get home for a private, intimate interlude with your lover comes the event stopping knock, knock of the True Christian. What the hell is a normal sane person to do? Go crazy, scream, defecate nude on the floor while in full view of the True Christian? No. We test them. As I presume that like me you are a non-believer too we can have a little fun. Jesus says "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly are ravening wolves." Matt 7:15 And "Then if any man shall say to you Lo, here is the Christ, or, Here, believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs and false prophets and shall show great signs and wonders, so as to lead astray, if possible, even the very elect." Matt. 24:23-24 John says "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but prove the spirits, whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world." 1st John 4:1 There are many different types of Christian you know. And they all claim to be True Christians. How is the non-believer to know which is which? After all we want the real thing, a True Christian, not a demon from hell disguised as an angel of light. No Jim Bakkers or Jimmy Swaggarts will do. We want a real fool for Christ. How do we tell the True Christian from the disguised demon? The real fool from the money grabbers? We can do that with a little help. And this help comes from a very unexpected source. You see these Christian critters have a role model they follow. And they can't deviate from the model too much and hope to get to the heavenly entertainment park. Jesus, their role model has stated... "Therefore by their fruits shall you know them. Not everyone who says to me Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven. Many will say to me in that day Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy by your name and by your name cast out demons, and by your name do many mighty works? And I will profess to them, I never knew you. Go away from me you who work evil." Matt 7:22-23 So you can see that not every person who claims to be Christian will make it to that starry, wonder filled entertainment park they call heaven. True Christians tell me that only 10 percent of those who claim to be True Christians are Christians at all. There's just a little rivalry. It seems they are all in competition with each other for that last 144,000 condos-in-paradise. Now God knows how much real estate He has and how much it costs. Overpopulation being what it is today He has to oust some. Otherwise garbage over runs the golden streets, airborne pollution covers the crystal walls and the sewers back up. Yech! As our volunteer testee saunters up visually apprise them. Do they look serious? Are their clothes nice? Do they look like they own property? Good. We're ready to start, but don't rush. We don't want the testee to suspect our motives. Much of the Christian religion is emotional. As the conversation starts let the testee know just where you stand. You don't want to be duped. You want to talk to a true Christian. None other than a true Christian will do. Ask our testee if they are a Christian? Are they a True Christian? Do they love Jesus? Is Jesus their Personal Lord and Savior? Yes? Good. Ask them how much they love Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit. Are they Spirit filled? Do they display any of the fruits, love, joy, peace, happiness, etc. of the Spirit as described in Gal. 5:22-23? Next we have to verify that they believe in the Bible. Without this we won't have any fun. Ask our volunteer if they believe in the Bible. Do they believe that it is the Word of God? Is it infallible? Is the Bible as appropriate for today as it was two thousand years ago? If the answer is yes, even if not infallible, fun is to be had in short order. The Money Test Here's how we start... Our trick is to confront the testee with moral absolutes and performance tests. Here is the first performance test that we can enjoy. "Give to everyone that asketh thee; and from him that taketh away thy goods ask not again." Luke 6:30 "Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away." Matt. 5:42 Luke 6:35 sums it all up... "But love your enemies, and do them good, and lend never despairing; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be Sons of the Most High: for he is kind toward the unthankful and evil." True Christians are so fond of moral absolutes that I think we should give them every opportunity to experience those absolutes as real, upfront and personal events. In your next testing session, when you hear the True Christian extolling the Rock of Moral Absolutes upon which they stand, go for the cash. It has a nice sobering effect that should in the long run benefit the True Christian. Ask for their money, all of it. Just ask for their wallet. Have them show it to you. Any money inside? Good. Ask for it. You don't want their credit cards. That would be a crime. If there's no money, ask for an article of clothing. Coats and cloaks are good. How about car keys? Do they have a big cross with them? Ask for it. When they refuse have them reread the previous verses, then ask again. Should they still refuse call them a fraud, for that's exactly what they are. Just like Jesus send them away into darkness. They aren't a True Christian. Now should they give you everything in their wallet, the cloak on their back and the cross too, we get to have more fun... The Swill Test Next we proceed with more subjective questions. One of their obsessive traits is to compare their past performance with the actions of those in the Bible. How is their walk with their Lord? Do they follow Jesus closely? Do they want to follow more closely? Yes? Good. Now we start with the serious tests. In Matthew 10:18 Jesus sends out his True Disciples with the commandments to "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead and cast out devils." Take a skeptical attitude about their status as a True Christian. Again let them know that you want only the real thing. No substitutes will be allowed. "And these signs shall accompany them that believe: in my name they shall cast out demons, they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall in no wise hurt them; they shall lay their hands on the sick, and they shall recover." Mark 16:17-18 On this you gotta' be a little careful not to let the cat out of the bag. Ask your friend if they have cast out demons. Do they speak with tongues? Have they laid their hands on sick persons who were healed? If so take a bottle from storage prepared especially for the test. It should be filled with (non)toxic, pukey looking stuff that smells to high heaven. Urine and excrement should do. Cap the bottle tightly while in storage. And for Gawds sake wrap it in something to hide the mess from sight. In the Bible read Mark 16:17-18 which says that True Christians can pick up serpents and drink harmful things without suffering. Ask our unsuspecting testee to chug the whole bottle. If they object saying "thou shalt not test God" respond by saying that you are testing them, not God. God is not around to be tested anyway. If they don't chug-the-jug you can safely assume they are not a True Christian, only a fraud. Send them away. A note of warning... Be sure to inform the True Christian the drink is toxic. Let them pick up the bottle for themselves. If they drink the potion they take the test of their own free will. Now some might protest that the last part of Mark is a 'late addition' not found in the earlier texts. Perhaps they have confessed to you previously that the Bible is the word of God and is infallible. What happened? Didn't the believe the Bible? Tell them they aren't a True Christian; they are frauds. Send them home with their tails between their legs. Conclusion As we can readily see it's not healthy to be a True Christian. A True Christian is equivalent to being a Bibliolater--one who worships the Bible. Now being a Christian is ok. But being a Bibliolater is a form of mental illness. And it's great fun to let the Bibliolater know of their problem when they interrupt your day. I have about ten other performance tests but the aforementioned are the most exciting. Please feel free to experiment with Jesus' moral absolutes and performance tests. You may find some that are just a much fun as these. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Checkmate Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 My personal favorite is the "turn the other cheek" test. Find a "True Christian" and slap the shit out of them. If they fight back, then welcome them into the wide world of unbelief and apostasy. (You MIGHT lose some teeth, but it's for a good cause!) Anyone who does not endure this "persecution", and bless those who persecute them, THAT person is NO Christian. The Money Test is also a perennial favorite of mine! Christians are SUCH hypocrites. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mythra Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 My personal favorite is the "turn the other cheek" test. Find a "True Christian" and slap the shit out of them. Christians are SUCH hypocrites. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I'm all for slappin em, then ask em for money. That ought to sort out the true-blues from the pretenders. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Checkmate Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 Who said this? -- "If you want peace, prepare for war." Sister Serenity, your story reminds me of bringing up my kids while we were playing church. During my most fundiest time I was trying to hold "family devotions". When we got to the "Sermon on the Mount" and turn the other cheek, my kids asked me what to do about bullies. Was it alright to defend themselves? I was stumped. While I felt perfectly fine taking abuse from other adults for my faith, I was NOT prepared to tell my kids to suffer at the hands of anyone. I knew full well that bullies would never leave an easy target alone, and that if I didn't want my children to be physically and emotionally crippled for life then they would need to protect themselves. So, after an uncomfortable pause, my wife and I made a judicious "amendment" to the buy-bull. "Thus sayeth Mom and Dad: If anyone attempts to hurt you, kick the shit out of them. Use a baseball bat if outnumbered." Sorry, but parental concern trumps bible fundyism every time! I don't condone mindless violence, but I do endorse vigorous self-defense. "Beat 'em like they stole something!", is my motto. That was about...five years ago, and I think that was the beginning of me thinking, questioning and doubting what the bible was telling me. I suspected then that I couldn't possibly be a True Christian, because some of the teachings of Christ offended me. If "Jesus" was saying crap that could harm my kids, and divide my family, then what kind of "God" were we serving? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
white_raven23 Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 Grrrrrr. :angry: Thanks to the whole "turn the other cheek" thing (especially being a girl) I was trained by my teachers, and occasionally my parents to be a human doormat. Being the "bigger person" as it was usually put to me, help me to turn all negativity inward instead of unleashing it on the nearest deserving so-and-so. I will be recovering from Doormat Syndrome for the rest of my life. If you have daughters PLEEEEEEZE don't mentally and emotionally cripple them!!! Let them be pissed. Let them get detention for giving some other little shit a bloody nose at least once! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eponymic Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 Fuck all that shiznit. Ask a Christian if they've stoned children for blaspheme lately? NO?!?!? End of fuckin' story bitches... I go with Solo on this one- There are no True Christians. (P.S. How do you make the trademark symbol do the cool little raised dealy? I can't seem to find the function other than inserting it from word or pasting it from elsewhere.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy-tiger Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 (P.S. How do you make the trademark symbol do the cool little raised dealy? I can't seem to find the function other than inserting it from word or pasting it from elsewhere.) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> You mean this ? Type in this ( tm ) but without the spaces... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 When I was about 8 years old some neighbor kid was pushing me around wanting to fight. I told him he could hit me, but that god would protect me and that I wouldn't fight back. He did, I didn't feel it, he ran home wide-eyed. Biblical placebo effect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 I was stumped. While I felt perfectly fine taking abuse from other adults for my faith, I was NOT prepared to tell my kids to suffer at the hands of anyone. I knew full well that bullies would never leave an easy target alone, and that if I didn't want my children to be physically and emotionally crippled for life then they would need to protect themselves So you're saying the Jesus gave impractical advice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy-tiger Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 When I was about 8 years old some neighbor kid was pushing me around wanting to fight. I told him he could hit me, but that god would protect me and that I wouldn't fight back. He did, I didn't feel it, he ran home wide-eyed. Biblical placebo effect. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Ah, but... When I was a kid, someone was trying to push me around, threatening violence. When he hit me, I never felt a thing. Mainly because I knew it was coming and I'd prepared myself. 10 seconds later the little bastard was trying to kick the living shit out of me because I'd upset him. 2 minutes later, his father was storming up the road, wanting to kill the person who "upset" his little angel. 5 minutes later, his father was storming DOWN the road, wanting to kill his little angel for being a little bastard. 1 week later, no-one dared to mess with me as I was now known as the "boy who cannot be hurt" It was so peaceful in school after that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eponymic Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 You mean this ? Type in this ( tm ) but without the spaces... Ah Brilliant! Eponymic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 I always held to this line of thinking when I was a christian. I have 2 cheeks, hit one, condiser yourself warned, hit the other, ass whoopin' time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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