newly de-converted

[Guest now_what]

I was 4 years old when I asked my mother, "I want to know God like you and daddy do." And so I she lovingly prayed for this little lamb to be taken into the divine Shepard's flock, and I was saved.

 

Wouldn't it be great if things stayed that simple? Time went on, as it has a peculiar way of doing, and I grew in my faith and drank in much scripture. I was at church frequently, took part in Royal Rangers (my step-dad was a leader!) and even tried witnessing at kindergarten then middle school. I found myself being teased and taunted at school and church for being a little overzealous. OK, so maybe I need to tone it down a bit, I figured. And so I began loosening up a bit. Rather than spend the entire vacation time at my biological fathers house in desperate spiritual warfare, I began acting like a little boy aught to.

 

The next thing you know, I had been exposed to graphic pornography by a relative at the age of 7, and a vicious cycle began. At moms house I acted the part of the on-fire born again--went to church, to school bible studies, even spent some vacation time at church retreats. But then I'd return to my fathers house, or as I would later call it, "go down into Egypt," sometimes right after the church retreats, and fall into underage binge drinking, pornography addiction, age-inappropriate sexual contact, and low level drug use. This lasted until I was about 15.

 

My own hypocrisy opened my eyes to the hypocrisy of those all around me, especially in the church. I realized I was going to have to break the trend, and chose to stick to "Gods team." I did well, mastering my addictions and vices, and even managed to break a couple high school girlfriends hearts by dumping them when I realized they were not strong enough Christians for me to be "equally yoked" with.

 

Then things fell apart again. My intelligence began to flower with age and some proding by a few gifted instructors (yeah, high school teachers, weird huh?), and Christianity seemed more and more foreign to me. Still I had met this Christian, but not too Christian, girl, and really fell in love. My doubts continued to deepen, and my church attendance dropped, but I blamed my absences on schoolwork, and kept up the image. Right out of high school, I married my lovely high school sweetheart, and we moved out.

 

It's been almost 4 years since I was married by my youth pastor, and took communion before kissing my bride, and we are still deeply in love, but the "three-ply cord" is only two-ply now (at least from my perspective). I have come to a total realization of how much of a crutch Christianity was in my life, and how much of a tool it is, and has been historically, in the control of people and societies. I am also soon graduating from University with a BA in English and a BA in Biology, and ater all my studies, I find the existence of "God" to be pretty absurd... although not impossible (just out of the realm of human understanding or proof). My wife however, is still just as much of a Christian as she ever was, and I hate that she now fears I will spend eternity in hell. I've explained to her that I have respect for her beliefes and faith, and even attend church with her from time to time with a cheerful disposition (though it is one of those things that rivals root-canals for things I enjoy least). How do I deal with this... we are still very much in love, and despite my break witht e fundy faith, I still have little tase for divorce... especialy wit ha woman I'm in love wit hand who is pregnant wit hmy first child.

 

Which brings me to my next conundrum. My wife wants our child to attend sunday school (when it's born and raised suficiently), mostly, she says, for the strong moral fondation it gives. I can understand and agree with her to a point, but there is a difference betwenn the moral clairity of "love thy niebor as thyself," and "all homosexuals will go to hell." I guess, for the sake of our marriage and the longterm mental/spiritual health of the child, I could allow the child to attend Chritian sunday school, but provide a strong basis of logic and world philosophy/religon to the childs upbringing at home.

 

Which brings me to my final issue. My Mother has been the guiding and supporting force for me my entire life, whether or not Christ was working right at the time. Full of proverbial wisdom and spiritual encouragement, she made me who I am today: stubborn, bright, inquisitive, and arrogant. She also bought my wife and I a house, paid for most of my schooling, and gave us every little bit of help we've ever needed. How do I let her know that her child has not "grown up in the ways of the Lord" as she planed without seeming ungrateful or severing my ties to her emotionally?

 

Thanks,

Jared

[Asimov]

that sounds like quite the conundrum.

 

You should talk to your wife about alternatives for sunday school...such as teaching the kid yourself about good moral foundations. You and your wife could decide together what to teach your kid.

 

If it were up to me, I'd teach it the basics now....and then the religion later and let him/her make up their own damn mind, but that's only in the case if my wife was religious. I don't have a wife, nor would she be religious, so I guess it's a hypothetical.

 

I think it's good to be honest with your parents. Even though everyone has their own secrets, as I'm sure your parents do, if you think this is something that would be devastating, best to keep cool awhile.

 

Mostly I'd wait for people who have actual life experience in this, but I thought I let you know you have my support, and tell you what I think.

[liquid ash]

I agree with what Asimov has written.

 

I'm recently deconverted and that's why I'm here. I'm unsure if I should or how to introduce the subject to family and friends. I do feel like I'm living a lie though so I'm wrestling with this a lot.

 

Whoever it was that said 'The only thing to fear, is fear itself' was right on the money. I grew up with 'fear the Lord' and now I fear how others will react. I know fear is a bad place to be in right now. There's a lot to sort out isn't there? Hopefully this will be a good place to learn how to dispel this fear.

 

You sound like you're a lot further along then I am.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Dear Now_What,

 

Only a person who is alive inside pushes forward to understand the world and to change and be open to new things, and you're doing that. How much better than to settle down into inner deadness!

 

You'll find a lot of messages on this board by people who are going through or have gone through experiences similar to yours. There's a lot on the Backlash and reactions section, for example. The server on here has crashed a couple of times recently, so much of the older material can only be found in the archived sections. In the public section, there's a lot in responses to the Testimonies, though you have to scroll through a lot of responses to each one.

 

I found that almost all my Christian friendships were what I'd call "ideological." They sprang up easily with people of similar commitment. When I left evangelical Protestantism, they evaporated. The only friendships from those days that survived were with 3 guys who became Catholic in one case, eastern orthodox in one case, and in the third reverted to his mom's Judaism. That guy's wife, incidentally, is still a loyal Missouri synod Lutheran. They have a happy marriage and each does his/her thing on the respective days of worship.

 

My sister is a firm pentecostal, as is her husband. There are many topics we just don't talk about - though as the years pass, my sister is a bit less doctrinaire than she was. Time helps many people realize the limitations of their ideology and to recognize that people are people, all in the same boat. Not always, of course!

[Thurisaz]

Hello now_what, greetings from Germany

 

Tough situation you're in. You don't write too much about your mom (either that or I'm not fully awake yet and missed it ), so I find it kind of hard to tell what might be the best way for you. And the fact that I never got sucked into any fundie cult doesn't make it easier for me to give any tips either.

 

However... what spontaneously occurs to me is this:

 

If your mom really loves you as her child and not as her fellow believer, then methinks she should be able to deal with your apostasy if you are as kind and polite as possible. She may well go through a hard time before she reconciles that with the rest of her world, but she will eventually succeed. If you figure that this is the case, I'd suggest you carefully plan when and how to reveal the truth to her. After all, lies of any kind have that nasty habit of blowing up in your face when you least expect it, and if she figures out on her own, I guess she'll feel hurt twice - for the fact itself and for your not having told her.

 

And if she's so fundified that she can't stand the thought of having "lost her child to hell"...

 

...then I think you will have to cut all lines of communication to her for some time, until you know you're strong enough to handle pretty much everything she might throw at you (not to hurt you, of course, just to bring you back to the light! ). And you should be aware of the dangers of the "homo ludens" game. That means that she might try some well-tested tricks on you to manipulate you, just like the proverbial spoiled lover who threatens to commit suicide if she doesn't let him back into her life. In that case, as long as you play by the rules of that game, you can only lose. You would then have to consciously break the rules.

 

Yes, this would be a hard time to go though. But unfortunately, that's the way it goes, if her love for you isn't sincere enough. The madness of fundamentalism mustn't be an option for you ever again - it's a kind of a survival question for yourself. If case #2 shows to be true, consider yourself to be fighting for your sanity.

 

My best wishes go out to you that case #1 will come true.

[Reach]

Jared, when you make it back here, don't forget to check the other responses to this same thread that you posted here.

 

We wish you well.

[Guest now_what]

Thanks for all the words of advice and encouragement. I can now honestly feel that I'm not the only one going through this sort of situation. I will strive to be honest and sincere with all those in my life, and trust that those who've always shown me love will continue to do so. Hopefully my respect for their beliefs will encourage them to respect my disbelief.

 

Jared

[Saviourmachine]

My wife however, is still just as much of a Christian as she ever was, and I hate that she now fears I will spend eternity in hell. I've explained to her that I have respect for her beliefes and faith, and even attend church with her from time to time with a cheerful disposition (though it is one of those things that rivals root-canals for things I enjoy least). How do I deal with this... we are still very much in love, and despite my break with the fundy faith, I still have little tase for divorce... especialy with a woman I'm in love with and who is pregnant with my first child.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi Jared, my girl-friend is xian too. She skips church as often as I go to church. I'm indeed afraid that in the future she wants to attend church more often, or will suspect that I will go more often. But, I think it's useless to make that an issue yet. To love each other is the most important thing there is, isn't it? Enjoy life, carpe diem! And certainly, don't be afraid that your kid will be a 'fundy'. Even fundies can enjoy life, isn't it? Maybe he/she will be as wonderful as your wife is now. That's what I think... If I will get kids that are like my girl-friend, I'll be very proud!

[-Demona-]

If you are truely fine with deconverting as you called it, then why be afraid to tell others?  Is there still a question of your faith? or is the hypocracy you witness so absurd you can not return.  Men will always let you down and the fallen are many- reconnect with the Lord about your issues and you will know the truth.
I agree with what Asimov has written.
 
I'm recently deconverted and that's why I'm here.  I'm unsure if I should or how to introduce the subject to family and friends.  I do feel like I'm living a lie though so I'm wrestling with this a lot.
 
Whoever it was that said 'The only thing to fear, is fear itself' was right on the money.  I grew up with 'fear the Lord' and now I fear how others will react.  I know fear is a bad place to be in right now.  There's a lot to sort out isn't there?  Hopefully this will be a good place to learn how to dispel this fear.
 
You sound like you're a lot further along then I am.

[right][post=6596][/post][/right]

[liquid ash]

If you are truely fine with deconverting as you called it, then why be afraid to tell others?  Is there still a question of your faith? or is the hypocracy you witness so absurd you can not return.  Men will always let you down and the fallen are many- reconnect with the Lord about your issues and you will know the truth.

[right][post=10474]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post][/right]

 

At this point it's probably safe to say that I am as comfortable deconverting as I was when I was converted.

 

I guess I am not truly comfortable with either, any more then I am in a room full of strangers.

 

Reconnect with the Lord? I think I need to reconnect with myself.

[Lanakila]

Now What, welcome to the boards. I read your testimony a while ago and didn't post because really I don't know that I have advice for you. Having fundy family is hard, and I don't personally know whether it would be better in your case to be honest with your mother, or to keep your apostacy to yourself. In my case I told my mother, but she is a deist new ager and her only problem seemed to be my rejecting god altogether, and thinking I am too extreme one way or another. (btw I am extreme in my belief system)

 

My AOG father has nothing to do with me, but he rarely did when I was a fundy Baptist anyway, but I kept up the relationship and since my deconversion I gave up on that.

So much for family, but how to deal with your wife that wants to raise your child in church is another story. I raised my kids in church for 14 years. We were Baptists that went Sunday Morning to church and Sunday School, Sunday night, and Wednesday night, so my kids got a bunch of indoctrination. But despite all that Bible training my oldest son became an atheist before I did, because we taught them to think on their own as well as the Bible stories. So counteracting the Biblical teachings of sin and hell is possible, but personally I am sorry I raised my kids in church although I knew no better at the time.

 

You might be able to strike a compromise and get your wife to let you take your child to a Unitarian church where diversity will be taught, and indoctrination will be avoided. But morals and finding your own path will be presented as the best way.

[spamandham]

Hi Jared!

 

You and I share much in common. I have three children, the youngest is 3 and the oldest 12. I rejected faith a few years ago and am going through a similar dilemma. My wife is still a Christian (but not fundy level), and she wants the kids to go to Sunday school etc.

 

For what it's worth, since it's more important to her than it is unimportant to me, I let her do what she wants. But at the same time, I refuse to pretend to be something I'm not to my own children. My 12 year old has figured it out already (considereing I don't go to church anymore except when my wife begs me, nor do I even make excuses as to why I don't go).

 

If your child(ren) know they have a nonbelieving parent, they will still feel free to make up their own minds with confidence that they will not be rejected either way.