Guest now_what Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 This is a repost from over in the "testimonies" forum... sorry if thats frowned upon, but I thought you guys might have more thoughts on it. I was 4 years old when I asked my mother, "I want to know God like you and daddy do." And so I she lovingly prayed for this little lamb to be taken into the divine Shepard's flock, and I was saved. Wouldn't it be great if things stayed that simple? Time went on, as it has a peculiar way of doing, and I grew in my faith and drank in much scripture. I was at church frequently, took part in Royal Rangers (my step-dad was a leader!) and even tried witnessing at kindergarten then middle school. I found myself being teased and taunted at school and church for being a little overzealous. OK, so maybe I need to tone it down a bit, I figured. And so I began loosening up a bit. Rather than spend the entire vacation time at my biological fathers house in desperate spiritual warfare, I began acting like a little boy aught to. The next thing you know, I had been exposed to graphic pornography by a relative at the age of 7, and a vicious cycle began. At moms house I acted the part of the on-fire born again--went to church, to school bible studies, even spent some vacation time at church retreats. But then I'd return to my fathers house, or as I would later call it, "go down into Egypt," sometimes right after the church retreats, and fall into underage binge drinking, pornography addiction, age-inappropriate sexual contact, and low level drug use. This lasted until I was about 15. My own hypocrisy opened my eyes to the hypocrisy of those all around me, especially in the church. I realized I was going to have to break the trend, and chose to stick to "Gods team." I did well, mastering my addictions and vices, and even managed to break a couple high school girlfriends hearts by dumping them when I realized they were not strong enough Christians for me to be "equally yoked" with. Then things fell apart again. My intelligence began to flower with age and some proding by a few gifted instructors (yeah, high school teachers, weird huh?), and Christianity seemed more and more foreign to me. Still I had met this Christian, but not too Christian, girl, and really fell in love. My doubts continued to deepen, and my church attendance dropped, but I blamed my absences on schoolwork, and kept up the image. Right out of high school, I married my lovely high school sweetheart, and we moved out. It's been almost 4 years since I was married by my youth pastor, and took communion before kissing my bride, and we are still deeply in love, but the "three-ply cord" is only two-ply now (at least from my perspective). I have come to a total realization of how much of a crutch Christianity was in my life, and how much of a tool it is, and has been historically, in the control of people and societies. I am also soon graduating from University with a BA in English and a BA in Biology, and ater all my studies, I find the existence of "God" to be pretty absurd... although not impossible (just out of the realm of human understanding or proof). My wife however, is still just as much of a Christian as she ever was, and I hate that she now fears I will spend eternity in hell. I've explained to her that I have respect for her beliefes and faith, and even attend church with her from time to time with a cheerful disposition (though it is one of those things that rivals root-canals for things I enjoy least). How do I deal with this... we are still very much in love, and despite my break witht e fundy faith, I still have little tase for divorce... especialy wit ha woman I'm in love wit hand who is pregnant wit hmy first child. Which brings me to my next conundrum. My wife wants our child to attend sunday school (when it's born and raised suficiently), mostly, she says, for the strong moral fondation it gives. I can understand and agree with her to a point, but there is a difference betwenn the moral clairity of "love thy niebor as thyself," and "all homosexuals will go to hell." I guess, for the sake of our marriage and the longterm mental/spiritual health of the child, I will allow the child to attend Chritian sunday school, but provide a strong basis of logic and world philosophy/religon to the childs upbringing at home. Which brings me to my final issue. My Mother has been the guiding and supporting force for me my entire life, whether or not Christ was working right at the time. Full of proverbial wisdom and spiritual encouragement, she made me who I am today: stubborn, bright, inquisitive, and arrogant. She also bought my wife and I a house, paid for most of my schooling, and gave us every little bit of help we've ever needed. How do I let her know that her child has not "grown up in the ways of the Lord" as she planed without seeming ungrateful or severing my ties to her emotionally? Thanks, Jared Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loren Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Welcome, Jared. I think posting something twice is probably fine, since you're asking for input on life issues having to do directly with leaving Christianity. I read your post over in Testimonies and my heart went out to you, but I've never been married, raised children, dealt with a religiously split marriage or anything of that nature, so I'm not able to offer anything of substance from my own experience. However, there are many on this site who have, and if they haven't found solutions, at least they can offer support to each other and frequently do so. You're in the right place. Loren Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanInPA Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Hi Jared, My wife is still a believer, and was not too happy with my deconverting. The hell thing has never come up. I think she just likes the "feel good" thing that goes on at our church. I've pointed out numerous errors, contradidtions, etc. in the bible, perhaps she's doubting and either can't admit it or doesn't like the alternative to eternal life (when you die you're worm food). I still go to church with her. It can be annoying at times, but mostly I occupy myself by mentally shredding to pieces anything that's being read or preached. As for your child, that's tough and something I've no experience with as I have none and hers were grown when we met. While I may let them go with her, I'd certainly provide all the information I could about non-historicity, pagan origins, borrowed elements etc. Praise science for the internet! About mom. Mine is 66 years old and her health is going downhill. In the last year or two she has begun attending church regularly, thanking god for the work of her doctors, etc. Unless not telling her would put some kind of extreme burden on my mental health, she can have her god in her final years. Why should I yank her "crutch" out from under her?? Just to see her fall?? I think that'd be just mean. Now if I'd deconverted ten years ago, I'm sure her and I could have had some very interesting conversations, but at this point, I don't think it would be a benefit to her. Sorry for the long ramble. Welcome, this place is the greatest! Thanks webmaster Dave and all your helpers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Panther Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Hi Jared! It's nice to meet you and thanks for sharing your story with us of how things have happened for you. I think it must be difficult when one spouse still believes...I can see how it could provide an area of contention or distance inside the relationship if both people aren't really careful. I certainly don't think religion should come between two people in love and it would not be something to split up over....to me that would be just horrible. I'm glad to hear that this has not happened with you and your love. As far as raising your child, gosh, I don't know.... I have a nine year old daughter and I am not encouraging her to lead a christian lifestyle....I believe she can learn all the morals and best human attributes without having to go a religious route, but that's just me. Sorry I can't be of much help in that area. I'm glad that you made it to this board and it'll be nice to have some more discussion with you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reach Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 You're in the right place. Loren Jared- In more ways than one, you are in the right place, by honestly seeking solutions with an open mind and seeking to compromise with your partner. You are wise to have an eye on those potential difficulties and conflicts that are foreseeable. But, first things first. I would not maintain my focus on those problem areas. While it's prudent to have an awareness of potential future difficulties, I think you might have the cart before the horse, just a little bit. Before (and if) you get to the place of having to make that compromise with your wife on education á la Sunday school and what you plan to teach from home, you have the pleasure of experiencing fatherhood and discovering more of the ever-evolving, growing man inside. Your little one is going to pull on who you are. Before you need to concern yourself about lessons in morality, enjoy your baby. Enjoy your wife's emergence as a mother. Embrace fatherhood. Enjoy the last days (for many years) of being two, being alone, being in love and not having to deal with lots of interruptions (including new arrangements for sexual activity as the child grows up). Enjoy your wife's pregnancy and all the conversations you share, the intimate, tender moments when hopes and dreams are freely shared. This day is the one day you have. I believe that your child will learn more from watching you and seeing who you really are than from any single thing you can ever teach him or her. Be present where you are. It's what you bring to fatherhood and how you present yourself to your child that will be the strongest influence you can have. What's Sunday school compared to that? A minor influence, I would think. Who you are is about integrity. I can tell by reading your post that you will be a wonderful father and I celebrate with you the upcoming birth of your little one and the fact that there's going to be one more great dad out there. I may be back to respond a little later about the situation with your mother but Dan pretty much spoke for me on that one. Welcome to our home, here, at Ex-C. I'm sure you're in the right place. -Reach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Howdy Jared... I got on the Daddy track long after I deconverted and spent my last day in the xtian indoctrination camps.. Teach your kids what you want them to know and how you want them to do it. takes no special permission from the skiE dAddie und Der BoYZ to do so. My kid doesn't steal, tells few lies, treats others well, and despite his sad_sack_half_of_parentage is an Honor Roll student.. Power on Dad, yer on tight track.. n Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest now_what Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Thanks for all the words of advice and encouragement. I can now honestly feel that I'm not the only one going through this sort of situation. I will strive to be honest and sincere with all those in my life, and trust that those who've always shown me love will continue to do so. Hopefully my respect for their beliefs will encourage them to respect my disbelief. Jared Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts