whatifidontwantausername? Posted October 8, 2005 Share Posted October 8, 2005 Some of you may remember a thread I made about my Aunt dying of cancer. Well aparently one loved one a year is not enough so we have upped the stakes. Who I thought would be my future father-in-law has lung cancer. He has got to have one lung removed, but it has already spread to his lymphatic system. I have been talking to some people and doing some research... At best he has a 15% chance of living, but the doc says that he has a 10% chance at the very best. Things are not looking good and I am pretty sure he is not going to make it. So the question is: How do I help my fiancee cope? I need to comfort her and her family but I do not know if it is possible. I am going over to her house in about 12 hours for the first time since they heard, they need me to mow their lawn and do some other household chores since Mr. O is not feeling the best. Any advice is welcome. -Jake Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dianka Posted October 8, 2005 Share Posted October 8, 2005 I am sorry to hear about all of this. I remember having a discussion with one of my teachers who lost his 18 year old son. He told me from his own experience, the best way to help someone that is greiving over a death is to take care of their mundane tasks like grocery shopping, or paying bills, etc. Even though he is not gone, the information is still devastating to the family. Instead of someone in the immediate circle being the pillar of strength, who keeps functioning for the sake of the family, maybe you could in some way help to take that pressure off. Good luck, and I hope your father-in-law will pull through. I don't want to give false hope, but my friend's father was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago, and told that he had a 20% chance of surviving. He pulled through, and is now in remission. I hope the same happens with your in-law. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fweethawt Posted October 8, 2005 Share Posted October 8, 2005 So the question is: How do I help my fiancee cope? You'll be surprised to find out how much just being there means to them. Rarely will you need to say anything. I need to comfort her and her family but I do not know if it is possible. See above. Don't get into the mindset that you're just going to go over there and wipe their sorrows away with a few magic words. Like I said, just being there is usually enough. I am going over to her house in about 12 hours for the first time since they heard, they need me to mow their lawn and do some other household chores since Mr. O is not feeling the best. This is good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest AndyPandy Posted October 8, 2005 Share Posted October 8, 2005 Jake, Really sorry to hear of the continuing difficulties. My dad died of stomach cancer last year, and after we'd found out, a friend of mine (who was a Catholic) said "At least you'll get the time to say goodbye and tell him how much you love him". Which was true, and it did mean I could get to tell him how proud I was of him, and all the other stuff I wanted him to know. When something like this happens, it does tend to focus energies on the here and now, and that's really perhaps how we should be living all the time. Is there any way you can all go out (if F-I-L isn't too sick) and just enjoy each other's company? A friend of mine died this year of mesothelioma, and she and her family came and stayed for a few days. While she was semi-disabled and not able to do much, it was just fun to hang out, watch her kids run riot, and I was thankful for the time and for being able to help out by giving her and her husband a break from the day-to-day stuff. As said before, just being there does make all the difference. An unexpected hug for your fiancee will work wonders too. And don't forget to look after yourself in all of this. Very best of the best to you all, and let's hope for a successful treatment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loren Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 So the question is: How do I help my fiancee cope? I need to comfort her and her family but I do not know if it is possible. I am going over to her house in about 12 hours for the first time since they heard, they need me to mow their lawn and do some other household chores since Mr. O is not feeling the best. I suspect that doing exactly what you've mentioned (being available to your fiancee's family to do helpful things) will be a tremendous emotional support for her. She'll know you're behind her emotionally, and aware of and responsive to the needs of her family. She'll have a sense that you're sharing the load with her. Loren Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 Jake, Nothing specific as nothing I've been through is an *exact fit*. The only advise I'll offer is to stay connected to she and her family, even if your Fuure FiL doesn't make it through this. It's tough amigo, as there is nothing we can do, but trust that the Physicians and their craft will be able to do for him the best they are able. Hang in there buds, your lady will need your strong shoulder and arms. kL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
godlessgrrl Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 Dang. That sucks. My paternal grandmother had lung cancer too. The things that helped me when she passed (which was really hard, because I look on her as being my "real" mother) were things like being able to talk about it and remember her. And not hearing useless platitudes like "she's in a better place" and bullcrap like that. It just helped a lot to have people around who weren't going to say anything stupid and judgmental. And who were able to listen if I needed it or let me have a good cry alone if that's what I wanted. It also helped a lot (and still does) for the family to remember her. By the time my sister got married both my dad's parents had passed, and my mom's dad was pretty close to it - my sister included pictures of them on the altar during her wedding. Sometimes family members will do things like put white roses in the centerpiece at holidays, 1 for each person who's passed. It just helps not to forget. Fuck, I still miss my gma though. Really, just being around and being sensitive to people's needs, as much as you can, can do soooo much good. Get to know your potential FIL as much as you can now. And gently urge your fiancee to say whatever she needs to say to him now, if there is anything. Even if she has to write a letter or poem or draw him a picture or something. You don't have to pretend that the person isn't sick or isn't dying, if they are. I guess it's mostly about enjoying whatever time is left, making it comfortable, making it simpler. Fuck, and laugh. Don't forget to laugh. It helps me as much to laugh about the funny things my gma did and said as it does to cry about it somtimes. Stuff like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExRC Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 I've been through similar situations with my wife. Both her parents died, and recently her grandfather died. As other people have said, just being there for her is the best thing you can do. Sometimes that may be as simple as just sitting with her while she cries, screams, yells, etc. You may not feel like you are doing much, but you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatifidontwantausername? Posted October 12, 2005 Author Share Posted October 12, 2005 Thank you all for your advice and concern. We are trying to get through this, even though it seems to be far harder on Mr. O to admit that he needs help than the fact that he has cancer. I suppose he is a good man. My fiancee... she is taking this hard and it is hard to talk to her about it. All I can do sometimes is hold her and feel the distance and disconnect. -Jake Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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