Telling My Parents I'm Athiest Today. Help?

[DesertBob]

I'm going to wait, but the next time I get asked I'm not going to lie.

Your ethics and personal integrity are admirable but I think they are misplaced.

 

Your concern at living a lie, I'm guessing, has to do with a need to be heard and understood. At this point in their development your parents can neither hear nor understand, and ramming it down their throats and putting them in Red Alert mode will not help either you or them. What you need to do is find someone else to talk to. A respected teacher, a guidance counselor, the school shrink, anyone you can unload on without your parents finding out (be careful who you trust, but believe me you can find someone worthy of it with a bit of patience and creativity).

 

I guess what I'm saying is, look at it as letting your parents have their illusions. They appear to need them. Yes, pragmatically you would put up with it mostly to avoid them making your life a living hell, to keep from going from the frying pan into the fire. But it's not really dishonest, so much as kind. Let them down gently. Present as someone with doubts that you are working through. If they choose to believe it'll all be okay, let them think that. This isn't hypocritical of you, it is just forbearing, respectful and gentle. Truth is important, but the recipient has to be able to handle the truth or it serves no useful purpose.

 

Unless your parents are evil, abusive, and hateful, which I'm guessing they are not, I would defer this particular confrontation to a place and time where you both have appropriate distance in the relationship.

[EmptySky]

Foolish,

 

Thanks. I'm already planning on dual enrollment, as a couple of the kids that are graduating from my school this year (2 out of 5 of them) are doing it. It seems like a good idea. I work hard in school and get good grades. All the people on here seem extremely understanding. I'm taking their advice. As for me smoking, it's a daily thing, but it doesn't stop me from being able to do what I want to do. I get straight A's and don't get in trouble, really.

 

Bob,

 

Now that I look at it that way, I'm not going to tell them for a while. You're right, they need this. I just can't stand lying to them, but if it helps them sleep at night, then it's for the better. Thanks a lot.

[foolish girl]

Hey Empty,

For what it is worth, I still have to lie to certain people in my life. I know how hard it is. Sometimes "right and wrong" aren't clear and easy.

Ambiguity is my friend.

Kid says: "Mommie.....is blah, blah, blah TRUE?"

I say: "That's how the story goes, sounds a little strange, doesn't it?"

 

Friend says: "blah, blah, blah....and that is a sin, can you believe she does that?"

I say: "huh. Well, I'm not really worried about it..."

[Godless Dave]

Why tell them now? Can you wait until you move out?

 

I could, but I don't want to live a lie. They're constantly asking questions about my faith and I'm sick of lying to them.

 

That's very noble and shows you have integrity. You should be proud of that.

 

Unfortunately, when you are a minor who is financially dependent on your parents, pragmatism is sometimes preferable to integrity.

 

I could be wrong. Your parents could surprise you and actually treat you as someone mature enough to make your own decisions. You can predict better than us how they will react. Just be careful.

 

A lot of posters here were in situations like yours. I hope reading about their experiences is helpful to you.

 

Edited to add:

As long as someone brought up drugs and alcohol, I'll throw in my two cents. First off, I'm a 40-year-old guy who smokes weed almost daily, and I love it. I also enjoy a drink now and then and when I was younger I enjoyed quite a few more. I also know from personal experience how obnoxious it is when old people preach at you about drugs. From that perspective, my advice is to wait until you are 18 or even 21. Your brain is still growing now and it's easier to damage or delay development by throwing chemicals in it. Like Chef on South Park says, "There's a time and place for everything, and that time is college."

[Mister Pappy]

I'm just confused, you know? Where do I go from here?

I do know - yes. That is very normal. You have a lifetime of learning in front of you. The first thing that I suggest is that you wipe the slate of your mind clean and know nothing. That is a feat, more difficult than it may sound, because I mean it in the most literal sense of the term. Once you accomplish that, begin to read. Don't just read from a singular view point. Read everything you can get your hands on. Yes ... this will cause more confusion. Try to maintain your cleanly wiped mind. Do not develop firm beliefs easily or quickly. Continue to read and absorb. Try not to read for the sake of reading but really try hard to understand what you are reading - usually accomplished by reading slowly and repetitiously coupled with periods of thought about what you have read.

 

Many of the books you will come into contact with will be hard reads - scholarly. Read them anyway. You may not understand what you are reading at first or second or third tries. Put them down and revisit them after 6 months. You will be amazed at how your skill improves over time. I am still going back through books I read in my early 20's and had no idea what the hell they were saying. Now I understand them. My best advice is to be very very slow to adopt beliefs of any kind. If you are reading something that sounds like perfectly sound logic, turn around and read something contradictory.

 

You will make it just fine. Commit yourself to a life of learning. Some of the people on this site will substitute as an adopted family with good advice as you go along. Let me know if I can help you in some way.

 

Pappy

[florduh]

Commit yourself to a life of learning.

Best advice so far.

[MagickMonkey]

I'm just confused, you know? Where do I go from here?

I do know - yes. That is very normal. You have a lifetime of learning in front of you. The first thing that I suggest is that you wipe the slate of your mind clean and know nothing. That is a feat, more difficult than it may sound, because I mean it in the most literal sense of the term. Once you accomplish that, begin to read. Don't just read from a singular view point. Read everything you can get your hands on. Yes ... this will cause more confusion. Try to maintain your cleanly wiped mind. Do not develop firm beliefs easily or quickly. Continue to read and absorb. Try not to read for the sake of reading but really try hard to understand what you are reading - usually accomplished by reading slowly and repetitiously coupled with periods of thought about what you have read.

 

Many of the books you will come into contact with will be hard reads - scholarly. Read them anyway. You may not understand what you are reading at first or second or third tries. Put them down and revisit them after 6 months. You will be amazed at how your skill improves over time. I am still going back through books I read in my early 20's and had no idea what the hell they were saying. Now I understand them. My best advice is to be very very slow to adopt beliefs of any kind. If you are reading something that sounds like perfectly sound logic, turn around and read something contradictory.

 

You will make it just fine. Commit yourself to a life of learning. The people on this site are will substitute as a nice family with good advice as you go along. Let me know if I can help you in some way.

 

Pappy

 

+1 You're a wise man, Pappy.

[Mister Pappy]

If there's no god, then I'm just here. I can do what I want with no eternal consequences. It's an amazing feeling, but scary, none the less.

The feeling of freedom from the guilt that the church has laid on you for your entire life thus far is a wonderful feeling. You are right about that. I would like to add one thing for you to think about. What you do does have consequences - more now than ever. If this life happens to be the only one you get - no chance to repent at the last minute and scoot into heaven - how you live this one is paramount. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This is the law of cause and effect. Your actions determine what you will become and how happy you will ultimately be.

[Galien]

Hi Empty Sky

 

Being 16 sucks on so many levels, this must be so hard for you. My ten cents worth - there may not be eternal consequences but there are still consequences in this life, I always took the whole thing extremely seriously too, and grew up basing my life on Jesus. After cult involvement and being treated like shit by christians I have given it up after about 38 years as a christian. Finding your way in the world isn't easy, but I have made the most amazing discovery. The basic person I am still hasn't changed. I have sex now where I didn't before and that is about the extent of my sin Oh and I swear like a trooper, because I can.

 

What I am saying though is I have not found a better set of principles to live by than those I dragged out of the bible when I became a christian at nine. Half my problem was that most of the christians I knew didn't really give a shit about honesty, integrity, empathy, humility and keeping their own ego under control. No one seems to give much of a shit at all about those things. Seems to be all about self interest and covering one's own ass.

 

Always remember who you are, way down deep inside, and don't let other people's opinions or books or ideas take precedence over what you know in your heart to be true Your parents will go apeshit, I threw my 16 year old out of the house because she wouldnt stop having sex with everything that moved. I felt like a failure as a parent and a christian, but back then I didn't realise my life was still controlled by fear and guilt, and they probably don't realise it either. My naughty 16 year old has just become a 28 year old mother. As a teacher she said "OMG mum teenagers are AWFUL, how did you put up with me?".

Truth is we all have to let our children be who they are and believe what they choose. Ain't none of our business. All the best, you sound like a really smart and insightful person, I think you will do just fine.

 

[Guest Valk0010]

Wait.

[StevoMuso]

Try this: "Dear Parents: I believe in love, and beauty, and honesty, and integrity, and truth, and morality, and knowledge, and family, and community, and every good value you have instilled in me. I just don't believe in God any more."

[Crazy Donna]

I'd have to say I'm with most of the other respondents. Keep in mind that I don't know your parents or what there emotional tendencies are, but in my experience, being 'out' as an atheist to your parents can be a bad thing. If your parents are controlling and quick to anger you could find yourself out on the street. It's happened to people I know.

 

I know you want to be honest with them, but the consequences could be very unpleasant -- far more unpleasant than having to lie to your parents.

 

Of course, you know your parents better than any of us. I personally have not told my mother that I'm an atheist. However, I have such a crappy relationship with my parents that the only thing I would have to do is deal with her disappointment, and considering how disappointed she is with every other life decision I've made, that's not much of a big deal.

 

I would bide my time. Right now, you're young. They'll take it as you being rebellious, I assume, and probably put the pressure on in an attempt to bring you back to the faith. If you come out when you're no longer under their jurisdiction (supporting yourself financially) then you'll only have to deal with the emotional side. I have a friend who has not deconverted yet, but has moved in with their partner. Their parents are not happy, and they have had a constant stream of manipulative text messages, urging them to reconsider, or move in with relatives. Be prepared for that kind of thing. Your parents may be quite reasonable people, but the thought of you burning in hell for an eternity will evoke all their parental instincts and they are liable to treat you like a rebellious toddler. You are the best judge of how they are likely to react. If you know they'd never chuck you out of home, maybe it'd be a good idea. Again, really think about this. I'd stew on it for a month, think about strategies, and how you'll do it. Once you do it, you can't undo it.

 

Hope it all goes well.

[scruggs420]

I know I'm probably too late for this but if not, maybe this will help.

We have some neighbors a few houses away and they are over the top bible thumpers. They tore down my halloween decorations one year and when I had them arrested, they were going on about how were spawns of satan. In court their lawyer asked me on the stand if I believed in satan and if that was why my place was decorated like it was. I told him if I didn't believe in god how could I believe in satan. They went off, the judge made them leave the courtroom for a while....I was loving it. To shorten up a long story, they had to pay for my stuff and have stayed away ever since. Their oldest daughter was 16 when she told them she didn't believe in god anymore and needless to say, they didn't take it very well. Since she was still considered a minor, they had the power to send her to a bible school recommended by their pastor. She was beaten, soaked, and extremely mistreated in the name of jesus, so bad that she ran away. Her life seemed to spiral downward for a few years and we lost touch. I heard she was in college now so maybe things are better. The point is, they still have control over you, be careful and chose your words wisely. There are going to be many times in your life where silence is a virtue, get used to it now.

[MagickMonkey]

I know I'm probably too late for this but if not, maybe this will help.

We have some neighbors a few houses away and they are over the top bible thumpers. They tore down my halloween decorations one year and when I had them arrested, they were going on about how were spawns of satan. In court their lawyer asked me on the stand if I believed in satan and if that was why my place was decorated like it was. I told him if I didn't believe in god how could I believe in satan. They went off, the judge made them leave the courtroom for a while....I was loving it. To shorten up a long story, they had to pay for my stuff and have stayed away ever since. Their oldest daughter was 16 when she told them she didn't believe in god anymore and needless to say, they didn't take it very well. Since she was still considered a minor, they had the power to send her to a bible school recommended by their pastor. She was beaten, soaked, and extremely mistreated in the name of jesus, so bad that she ran away. Her life seemed to spiral downward for a few years and we lost touch. I heard she was in college now so maybe things are better. The point is, they still have control over you, be careful and chose your words wisely. There are going to be many times in your life where silence is a virtue, get used to it now.

 

WOW!!!! That's fuckin nuts.

[RankStranger]

I know I'm probably too late for this but if not, maybe this will help.

We have some neighbors a few houses away and they are over the top bible thumpers. They tore down my halloween decorations one year and when I had them arrested, they were going on about how were spawns of satan. In court their lawyer asked me on the stand if I believed in satan and if that was why my place was decorated like it was. I told him if I didn't believe in god how could I believe in satan. They went off, the judge made them leave the courtroom for a while....I was loving it. To shorten up a long story, they had to pay for my stuff and have stayed away ever since. Their oldest daughter was 16 when she told them she didn't believe in god anymore and needless to say, they didn't take it very well. Since she was still considered a minor, they had the power to send her to a bible school recommended by their pastor. She was beaten, soaked, and extremely mistreated in the name of jesus, so bad that she ran away. Her life seemed to spiral downward for a few years and we lost touch. I heard she was in college now so maybe things are better. The point is, they still have control over you, be careful and chose your words wisely. There are going to be many times in your life where silence is a virtue, get used to it now.

 

 

Eastern Ohio, I assume? I hear that it's practically West Virginia.

[scruggs420]

I know I'm probably too late for this but if not, maybe this will help.

We have some neighbors a few houses away and they are over the top bible thumpers. They tore down my halloween decorations one year and when I had them arrested, they were going on about how were spawns of satan. In court their lawyer asked me on the stand if I believed in satan and if that was why my place was decorated like it was. I told him if I didn't believe in god how could I believe in satan. They went off, the judge made them leave the courtroom for a while....I was loving it. To shorten up a long story, they had to pay for my stuff and have stayed away ever since. Their oldest daughter was 16 when she told them she didn't believe in god anymore and needless to say, they didn't take it very well. Since she was still considered a minor, they had the power to send her to a bible school recommended by their pastor. She was beaten, soaked, and extremely mistreated in the name of jesus, so bad that she ran away. Her life seemed to spiral downward for a few years and we lost touch. I heard she was in college now so maybe things are better. The point is, they still have control over you, be careful and chose your words wisely. There are going to be many times in your life where silence is a virtue, get used to it now.

 

 

Eastern Ohio, I assume? I hear that it's practically West Virginia.

 

Yep, Amish country

[Akuma10408]

EmptySky-

 

On the other hand, few things are as valuable as a clear conscience, and blatant unapologetic honesty is a large part of that. Sometimes nothing is better that just speaking your heart, or at least learning by making the attempt.

 

Few people in the world are likely to express the vehemence that outraged parents are capable of. Their emotional investment in you can be staggering. In this regard they can unwittingly be your greatest allies; if one can engage in what amounts to intellectual and emotional war with them without breaking, it can be one of the most monumental achievements of one's life. If one can do so while still maintaining a semblance of a functional relationship with them, all the better, but one's relationship with oneself is ultimately the most important thing. Shame is something that is best avoided.

 

 

If they really love you, they'll eventually get over it. If the religion is more important than your presence, then it's more (less?) than tough love. It's being forsaken. If they want to play hardball, there's no reason you can't learn that game. My .02.

[Hungrydingo]

I hate to say this but sometimes I think you have to come to terms with keeping certain secrets from people you know won't accept it. I can never tell me dad I am not a catholic, he just won't accept that. If anyone on his side of the family were to know I would be the black sheep. If you're going to eventually tell them I would wait until you have a backup plan if things do downhill in your parents house.