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Goodbye Jesus

Looking for likes of me


ToHellWithMe

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Starting with a couple of brief points:

 

1) I'm not sure if my problem really originates from my Christian past. I am able to show links to it, but I'm not sure werther it's just likely of me to make them up or do I think them up because there really is a connection.

 

2) I might be pathetic and going to bring it up here, but I'm not looking for compassion or pity, just ideas and knowledge of similar experiences :)

 

Okay, moving on to where I really like to begin from. Trying to keep it tolerably compact.

 

 

 

I still was a Christian couple of years ago, although weakening one at that. Never zealous but trusting the entities I found comfortable: eternal life in Heaeven, loving God and God's plan for me. Then, pretty soon, I felt like needing to do some introspection on religious beliefs and ended up abandoning them.

 

While I still was a believer, I wasn't interested in many things. I went to school not because of being interested in learning things but because I was interested in looking good in the eyes of my peers and superiors. Thus, at school and everything I did well as long as there was social pressure on me.

 

I was able to see this a problem when doing things would come to depend on my interest and motivation, but I didn't care much, cos there was anyway, above all, God guiding me.

 

Now that I no more am a Christian, my problem remains. I have no deep interest in things and now I realize it is I who has to do something about that. At first I thought the problem would go away when my new worldview really sinks in - I was always good at comforming, without stressing about circumstances and saw this as a thing to be naturally adapted to. Well, a year and a half passed, and I still have the same problem.

 

Even though I consciously understand the reality where I make my own future, the parts of me I don't have control of - particularly motivation, interest - remain dead. This obviously results in me not doing much anything but seeing to immediate unconfortable needs like hunger, pain, sexual urges, feeling lonely, feeling bored and needing entertainment. As I'm usually able to fulfill those, I'm not really depressed or sad. Yet, the interest in being acknowledged still remains, and my social role - frankly, I am an useless parasite - does make me feel uncomfortable. Thus, I'm thinking about and looking for possible betterments to my situation.

 

So.. if someone has had a similar problem or is having one, could you please write some thoughts about it. I'm also willing to expand on something if I'm able to.

Also, if anyone has some insight about the nature of my problem or how it should be dealt with, I'm all ears. ^^

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It sounds like you might be a bit depressed. I've struggled with that in the past. Have you talked to a doctor? Or at least tried something like St. John's Wart?

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Do you read books? Check out Dr. Wayne Dyer's early books, any B. Dalton, Waldens or Barnes&Noble should have them. This first book was written in 1976, I read it in 1993, and things changed. Then I found all his later books and read them too.

 

His first 4 books are down to earth, logical, easy to read, can point out some obvious and not so obvious ways to see things. It's a starting point. But you're right, you have to make the moves.

 

Not sure how old you are, but I'm sure you have plenty of time to get where you think you want to be. One day at a time :)

 

Welcome to Ex-C

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ToHellWithMe,

 

I don't know how old you are, but if you're young, it could be part of your growing up phase. You'll notice that your interests develops over time, and sometimes changes too.

 

For instance, some years ago, I started to learn to play flute, because all of a sudden I had the urge to do it. Started to exercise, started in a Tai Chi class, and so on. It could be part of the mid-life crisis too. :)

 

After I deconverted, I was a bit lost, but I've always been too interested in learning and doing things, that I become more jack of all trades, master of none. But one thing that I picked up, that I didn't do before, is reading philosophy and history. I hated history in school, and I avoided Philosophy as Christian (because of the threat that it could destroy my faith).

 

 

If you're older, you might be somewhat depressed. If you live in a cold climate, and where the winter is really dark, you might have sun-deprivation causing mild depressions. Or it can be your diet.

 

 

Another side is that you might not have found your "thing" yet. You need to expand and search for it.

 

My wife never had a vision or dream of doing anything special, until a few years back when I noticed that she was good with interior design. I made her sign up for a design college, and she went, and discovered that not only she loved it, but she was really talented. She works now as a kitchen designer in a huge corporation, and she's in the top percentile of their designers. Just in a few years she found her "thing". I believe you can too.

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It sounds like you might be a bit depressed. I've struggled with that in the past. Have you talked to a doctor? Or at least tried something like St. John's Wart?

I guess I could fit the clinical definion of 'depressed', although I don't like to use that word myself cause most of the time my mood is tolerable and sometimes I'm even happy. Never tried to see a professional, too proud and too paranoid about that. Not that I couldn't ty one day, though.

 

Did a search on that St. John's Wart. Seems interesting. I might give it a try if I happen to find it somewhere.

 

Check out Dr. Wayne Dyer's early books, any B. Dalton, Waldens or Barnes&Noble should have them. This first book was written in 1976, I read it in 1993, and things changed.

Thx. I usually don't read anything but fiction but I will give it a try if I can find those books anywhere here. (I'm from Finland and atm studying in Japan.)

 

I don't know how old you are, but if you're young, it could be part of your growing up phase.

(...)

Another side is that you might not have found your "thing" yet. You need to expand and search for it.

I'm almost 21 so I guess there may still be some phases to go through. Hoping that it's about that. Yet the fact that I've been like this for ~3.5 years is kinda weird anyway.

I guess I have a thing for Japanese but so far it hasn't taken me far in my studies, only rarely being able to concentrate on studying alone and not having my thoughts immediately divert to more fun activities.

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Heya there - fwiw depression is a full-body condition, not something that just affects mood. I have it. I've gotten to a place where the mood issues are well-controlled with meds, but I've been fighting the lack of motivation, lack of energy, and restlessness, so far with no success. Another non-mood symptom is lack of interest in anything. So it could indeed be depression.

 

Could be a lot of things, though. Maybe nothing has captured your interest enough for you to want to get into it. Maybe you've spent so much time being into conforming and living up to others' expectations that you haven't had time to ask yourself what you really want or like.

 

21 is still pretty young. A lot of people I've known (myself included) went through massive life changes and growth during their 20's. So you're certainly not doomed. Figuring out what you want to do in life and what really interests you just takes some time.

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21 is still pretty young. A lot of people I've known (myself included) went through massive life changes and growth during their 20's. So you're certainly not doomed. Figuring out what you want to do in life and what really interests you just takes some time.

 

That's true - some people are lucky and right from childhood already know what they want to do in life. Most of us have a harder time with that.

 

Don't get too worried about it - try and enjoy where you are right now! You've probably got something in your life right now that you might look back wistfully on in later years (lots of time, few responsibilities, etc).

 

Or conversely, pick something that interests you (even if it's something you think is an impossible fantasy - like becoming a writer, or hiking through Europe) and give it a run. Oftentimes, we find what we're looking for on the way towards something else. :)

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gwenmead,

I've done thinking on the "what do I want?" topic but haven't been able to come up with any concrete or possible goals. When I was younger, and still believed in miracles, I believed that God's miracle will sooner or later transform me to a shiny demi-god warrior of God. That was my scarily concrete goal until I got 15 or so, when I began to doubt the possibility of it. Nowadays, however, I'm completely disillusioned and only want to be as happy as possible, whatever the means, and the means I've yet to find.

 

Don't get too worried about it - try and enjoy where you are right now! You've probably got something in your life right now that you might look back wistfully on in later years (lots of time, few responsibilities, etc).

I've tried the "not caring too much about my future, waiting passively for something to awake inside of me" thing, no success. Actually that was my last year. I didn't do really anything for about 16 months. Slept, woke up, idled in front of computer, ate, slept, woke up. Not working, rarely seeing people in real life, not really studying: taking only a 4-hours-per-week japanese course during the semesters of that time.

At the moment I'm trying a different path where i constantly have to worry about answering to outside expectations: i'm on a fairly strict and intensive language learning program. So far I'm hanging there, but just barely. My hope was obviously to shine here being an excellent student... not a success yet.

 

Or conversely, pick something that interests you (even if it's something you think is an impossible fantasy - like becoming a writer, or hiking through Europe) and give it a run. Oftentimes, we find what we're looking for on the way towards something else.

My unreached fantasies have been for the last few years: on a low level, becoming an exemplary student; on a higher level, finding an interest in stuff and getting grip of life; on impossible level, discovering dormant resources inside me and becoming a glorious genius.

 

This introspection is kinda fun - to produce at least. At some point I a few months ago I got a little bit interested about the psychological aspect and in addition the usual introspection I wrote down records of my sleeping times, times of doing anything particular that requires some conscious effort, etc. As that wasn't too hard, it went on for a month and a half, but after a while I realized I'd probably never care to write any kind of nice graphs out of them or anything, and subsequently quit. Also, in the burst of the interest, I decided to look into an introductory psychology course material, but the interest soon died after a couple of library visits and in the end I only went through a couple of chapters.

 

I guess I'm trying to say that motivation is a mysterious thing that I don't really understand enough to have any control over, even if it's my own motivation.

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gwenmead,

I've done thinking on the "what do I want?" topic but haven't been able to come up with any concrete or possible goals. When I was younger, and still believed in miracles, I believed that God's miracle will sooner or later transform me to a shiny demi-god warrior of God. That was my scarily concrete goal until I got 15 or so, when I began to doubt the possibility of it. Nowadays, however, I'm completely disillusioned and only want to be as happy as possible, whatever the means, and the means I've yet to find.

You know, the meaning of life is to spend your whole life searching for the meaning of your life. I've gone through many changes and started on new paths. My recommendation is that you just start doing something, and things will get clearer.

 

For instance, if you start something that you don't like, then quite, and then at least you know what you don't like.

 

 

This introspection is kinda fun - to produce at least. At some point I a few months ago I got a little bit interested about the psychological aspect and in addition the usual introspection I wrote down records of my sleeping times, times of doing anything particular that requires some conscious effort, etc. As that wasn't too hard, it went on for a month and a half, but after a while I realized I'd probably never care to write any kind of nice graphs out of them or anything, and subsequently quit. Also, in the burst of the interest, I decided to look into an introductory psychology course material, but the interest soon died after a couple of library visits and in the end I only went through a couple of chapters.

You're like me. Lose interest really fast. My oldest son is even worse. He starts 100 projects at the same time, and 200 books, and he only reads the first 5 pages, and loses interest.

 

I guess I'm trying to say that motivation is a mysterious thing that I don't really understand enough to have any control over, even if it's my own motivation.

I understand. I have the same problem. Motivation lacks me for the things that I'm supposed to do, but I have plenty for the things I don't need to do. ;)

 

Maybe you have ADD too?

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Heck I am 40 and I don't know what I wanna be when I grow up. I got too busy living to dwell on it much though.

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