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It Hurts


sangheili_asylum
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Hi, guys. It's been quite awhile since I've been here. Mainly because my anger was finally starting to lessen and I didn't want to fuel it. This site is amazing because of all the knowledge and passion and support. But I'd been hoping I could go without it. Well, not today.

 

So I finally got a girlfriend almost 2 months ago. I love her to death. I'm not even embarrassed or shy about having a gay relationship anymore. I'm just so content and happy. My parents are very Christian but surprisingly my mom seems very accepting, and my dad just sort of ignores it, which is better than forbidding it. My sister DID tell one of her friends my relationship was "yucky" apparently, but I can let that slide since she's very friendly with my girlfriend.

 

But last night...I was cuddling with my girlfriend on the couch. My dad comes in and is like, "Ugh, guys, stop it!" My sister, when she was 15, would lay on top of her boyfriend on the couch, pressing up against HIS HARD PENIS, and my parents wouldn't say anything. And yet here I am, almost 22, and not allowed to simply hold my girlfriend on the couch. After she left I asked my mom about it. She told me that although they accept me, to them the relationship is "revolting" and they are "repulsed" by it. It hurt so much that I couldn't even play Halo when I got to my room. I just laid on my bed all curled up and felt anger and pain just surging through my body. Like, I'm happy that they let her come over and eat with us and hang out. I'm glad they're nice to her. I'm glad they even supposedly accept it. But to have my mom tell me that the thing that means the most to me is revolting is truly heartbreaking. She told me it's because she was raised to believe it was an abomination and was wrong. Pfft wonder who told her that? And so now I hate Christianity again. I have a boiling anger and hatred right now. It aches. It makes me sick to my stomach. I am FINALLY happy after waiting so many years. And I'm revolting. Not only that. I'm ACCEPTED and revolting. Somehow that's even more of a middle finger...

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I'm the kind of person that hits back ever harder when someone hits me, so I would be sure to show my disgust at their ways as well. Or even better, pretend like I'm ABOVE all their silly beliefs and react very sarcastically like "yes I know it's disgusting to you, I know you can't help it" with a content smile and an expression like "you poor, poor ignorant people." That will piss them off beyond anything and it will feel great!

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sang...there simply are not words

 

 

It maybe that the best option is to leave. It appears there is nothing left for you in staying with your family. They have chosen their opinion and reaction to you. It seems the best option for you is to leave. Go elsewhere and grow into your own life.

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Congratulations on the girlfriend. It sounds you are both very happy together.

 

Based on what you write, I wouldn't write your parents off as not being at all understanding. Yes, I agree with you that their telling you that your relationship is "revolting" and that they are "repulsed" by it is very hurtful. You are certainly correct in feeling that way. But I see something else in what you relate. From what I gather, they invited both you and your girlfriend there for dinner and they did this, it seems, with the full knowledge that you and she have a gay relationship. That's far more than what many christian parents would do. They are apparently working through their emotions and seeing you snuggling with your girlfriend was probably a bit more than they expected. But, you don't say that they threw her out of the house when they saw that.

 

It may take a little more time for them to be more accepting in the same way they would with a heterosexual relationship. But it sounds like they have taken some important first steps. Try building on that and acknowledging to them that you appreciate that they invited her to their home.

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I'm a big fan of Dan Savage, and especially of his willingness to say what everybody knows, but nobody wants to acknowledge. For example: the only power an adult has in her relationship with her parents is her presence in their lives.

 

If they are repulsed by a fundamental part of you, and can't respect you or people you care about, they don't deserve to have you around. Not saying break off contact completely, but you should move and withdraw emotionally--don't give them opportunities to cast scorn on you.

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Ah, but do keep in mind that parents have a way of loving their children, and sometimes even of *eventually* caring more about their happiness then their own prejudices and superstitions. Nothing does more to convert somebody to gay-acceptance than seeing somebody they care about being happy in a same-sex relationship.

 

But, in the meantime, you don't need to put up with their shit like that.

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Hi... I am the step-mom of a gay son. He too finally after many years has a boyfriend- now his fiancé. We are atheist/liberal parents- lucky for us and them. There are just people who can't wrap their head around gay-affection... They simply don't understand it. They have been programmed to be disgusted by it. It's sad and it's unfortunate that there is a double standard for your sister and her boyfriend and you and your girlfriend. Saying what your mom said to you was her being honest with you. That is her reality. Albeit a sad reality. It hurts terribly I'm sure. What is even more hurtful is the millions of people who have had to hurt because religion has cast their judgment on gay and lesbian love. As in all things be reasonable. Come to an understanding sooner rather than later that some people are going to feel this way. When you are on your own it will be less of an issue. It will get better... I think society as a whole gets more accepting as time goes on... You and your girlfriend can surround yourself with accepting people and limit exposure to those who are not accepting. If it's at all possible don't take it as a personal rejection but rather as them being not being evolved because of their dogma.

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It sounds like they want to maintain a sanitized "Burt & Ernie" image of you and your partner. You and her are "special friends" or something like that, but nothing actually sexual is going on. I reckon that's how they are coping.

 

26428-bert_amp_ernie.jpg

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I'm not sure why your Dad wasn't more squeamish about seeing his little girl (your sister) dry hump her boyfriend :twitch:, but maybe he just handled it by pretending it wasn't happening, since that's his style. For him, due to his lifetime of training, the idea of his other little girl being sexual with a woman OMG is too squicky to manage that way. (Maybe his discomfort is further complicated by a private penchant for girl-on-girl porn aimed at straight guys. Pretty widespread, after all...just sayin'.) So his usual method (ignoring things) wasn't working for him and he got freaked out and acted like a jerk. Mom handled it better, but admitted to feeling squeamish about it, too, and it hurt to hear it.

 

Is it possible that it's too close to the bone for both parents?

 

Mom may have always denied her true inclination and I suggest that g on g would be a turn on for many, if not most men.

 

Very poor responses from both parents. Makes me very sad.

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I know you love them, but your parents opinions are just opinions. They will probably never have the same ones as you with regard to gayness. What matters is that they love you.

 

Personally I would place no more importance on it than their opinions on anything else. The people we love don't have to 100% agree with us on anything.

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Wow guys. Thank you so much. There are so many replies that I can't even get to them! Thank you guys for supporting me, making me laugh a little, and even for the advice. Like yes, I am VERY happy that they seem to like her and that they invite her over and are sweet to her. I never hear them badmouthing her, at least not in front of me. I'm glad they love me and are trying hard to do more than accept it... And if that's all they can do, I'll be grateful anyway. But something about it really breaks my heart. As someone said, even jokingly, they can't help it. I don't understand it though. I was raised hearing it was wrong too, but I don't think it is obviously. So yeah, part of me wants to leave my house, part of me wants to stay and just lessen the PDA. I mean, to me cuddling isn't that bad, but I suppose if I have to... I just want my girlfriend to feel comfortable in my house and not avoid it you know? Of course I won't do sexual things in front of my parents. But to me it's so simple to accept. I am flabbergasted. I don't like feeling "revolting." I don't believe I am. I think what I have is beautiful and special. I'm trying not to let em bring me down. But it hurts deep inside a lot. I love my parents. But still...

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...There are just people who can't wrap their head around gay-affection... They simply don't understand it. They have been programmed to be disgusted by it...

 

I'd like to point out that (IMHO) these are separate things. One can have trouble understanding homosexual emotions without feeling disgust. Take me as an example: I wouldn't say that I can emotionally understand "gay affection", though rationally I fully get what's going on. It does feel kind of "wrong" to me, I guess I'm just too damn straight :P - but that does not mean that I feel disgust about homosexuality. Seeing guy-on-guy affection up close does make me feel kind of uneasy but what the fuck, if I can't stand it I can just look the other way!

 

*cough* I admit it's different with girl-on-girl stuff - yes the claim made above about many straight men and lesbian porn is not far from reality *cough* :)

 

...Saying what your mom said to you was her being honest with you. That is her reality. Albeit a sad reality...

 

100 % agreed. She (well, fuck it, they) may not be able to fully get over it (yet?) but at least they seem to try. Not everyone by far tries that. As sucky as it might still be, it could be worse. I have to grudgingly grant them that.

 

...It hurts terribly I'm sure...

 

And it would seem to me that it hurts both sides - the parents and the girls. Aaaah the "wonderful" things morontheism does... :vent:

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Congratulations on the girlfriend. It sounds you are both very happy together.

 

Based on what you write, I wouldn't write your parents off as not being at all understanding. Yes, I agree with you that their telling you that your relationship is "revolting" and that they are "repulsed" by it is very hurtful. You are certainly correct in feeling that way. But I see something else in what you relate. From what I gather, they invited both you and your girlfriend there for dinner and they did this, it seems, with the full knowledge that you and she have a gay relationship. That's far more than what many christian parents would do. They are apparently working through their emotions and seeing you snuggling with your girlfriend was probably a bit more than they expected. But, you don't say that they threw her out of the house when they saw that.

 

It may take a little more time for them to be more accepting in the same way they would with a heterosexual relationship. But it sounds like they have taken some important first steps. Try building on that and acknowledging to them that you appreciate that they invited her to their home.

 

I fully agree. I don't think anyone can be totally against something one day, and then be totally accepting the next. To be honest, I am still a little uncomfortable with seeing gay guys kissing. Of course, there is nothing wrong with it, and it's my problem. Gay guys shouldn't have to keep from kissing in public just because it makes me or anyone else uncomfortable. The rational part of my mind has absolutely no problem with homosexuality. However, the emotional part of my mind is still adjusting, and I've been an absolute atheist for at least 8 years now. Now, when I see gay guys kiss on TV, I laugh at my uncomforableness now rather than be totally repulsed. I wish I could make the emotional part of my mind be totally fine with it, but I'm not there yet. I've got years of childhood conditioning to work against. Overcame is right, they are much more accepting than many christian parents. Give them time. In 5 years, they may be totally cool with the two of you snuggling on the couch together. In the mean time, it is ok to express your hurt to them. Remind them they still have a bit of adjusting to do.

 

Hope it all works out.

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*cough* I admit it's different with girl-on-girl stuff - yes the claim made above about many straight men and lesbian porn is not far from reality *cough* :)

 

 

Yeah, it's a strange double standard, but girl-on-girl porn fucking rocks!!!! :69:

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*cough* I admit it's different with girl-on-girl stuff - yes the claim made above about many straight men and lesbian porn is not far from reality *cough* :)

 

 

Yeah, it's a strange double standard, but girl-on-girl porn fucking rocks!!!! :69:

 

That is because you just get to see even more of what you love. All mashed up together.

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*cough* I admit it's different with girl-on-girl stuff - yes the claim made above about many straight men and lesbian porn is not far from reality *cough* :)

 

 

Yeah, it's a strange double standard, but girl-on-girl porn fucking rocks!!!! :69:

 

That is because you just get to see even more of what you love. All mashed up together.

 

Yep!!! FrogsToadBigGrin.gif

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I'm in a hetero relationship that my parents approve of but I still won't cuddle on the couch at his or my house. I tried it a few times at his house and he quickly told me it wasn't appropriate to do in front of his very conservative parents.

 

When it's just his siblings around, sure it's fine, but we have to be proper in front of his parents.

 

I just figured that's the way it was in most conservative homes.

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Yeah decaf,

When I had a boyfriend over to watch a movie my dad wouldn't let us have a quilt to stay warm. Guess he was worried about roving hands...:nono:

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