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Thought I Would Take The Time Today


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I have wanted to do this for a while. Today seems like a good day - this winter sucks! I was raised in a lutheran church. We went irregularly like x-mas and easter, went to Sunday school more regularly. I remember looking around in church and thinking to myself "this is a bunch of old people getting ready to die". I did go through confirmation. During classes I remember talking to the associate pastor during one part where we were going over some definitions of words.(atheist, agnostic, and some other ones) He wondered what one I was, I told him I was an agnostic. I got confirmed anyway. Never went to church after that either. After High School,I went into the army. When it came time to declare a religion, I had them put Lutheran on my dog tags. I figured it couldn't hurt. I did go to church once during basic training. That was just because I figured it was an hour that we would not be harassed.

 

After I got out of the army, I went to a technical college to get career training. While there I ran into my first real "born again". He was the god delivered him from his evil past type of person. I don't know what kind of attracted me to him. He was a real ass at times telling people they would go to hell..etc.. He never did preach to me directly and used somewhat of a scientific approach. I went to church with him and got saved. maybe it was seeing how the bible could be real for the first time in my life or wanting some dating possibilities. Whatever reason it was, I jumped into it. It was around the time of the Bakker scandal. It was not 6 months later. My new born again friend knocked up his girlfriend and went back to the drugs and booze. He still would go to church. I also had a xtian girlfriend briefly. She got distant without explaining, I finally found out she thought she was pregnant - it could not have been mine. Although we did get a little physical, with her being the more aggressive of us. I was dissapointed and depressed but determined to press on.

 

After I graduated I eventually got a job and started my new life. I did blow an interview at a real good job by wondering off on goofy tangents - what does god want for me and certainty of a higher purpose. I found a charismatic ass of god church that had some young people in it. Services felt good, lots of excitement. Things were great at times. I did date someone for a while there as well. Almost out of the blue comes the whole "we need to talk" thing. I sincerely prayed and tried to seek god's answer on the whole deal. I was the man, it was my job. I got nothing, she dumped me with no real excuse. She was engaged to someone else within months. I felt like shit. The religion just compounded it. I seeked, prayed, and tried my best. Why does god tell someone what color car to buy and I can't get an answer on something that mattered? I was fired from a job. I felt like shit because I did not lead anyone to the lord. I toughed it out there for another 2 years. The emotional church services were like a drug. I wondered what people would say at my funeral. Fake it till you make it I heard. I went to the church therapist. He broke confidentiality and talked about my case to a friend of mine that had no business knowing what was going on. I never did have the chance to confront him. I wondered where my life fuller and more abudantly was, where jesus's light burden was, why if god isn't the author of confusion then why are xtians the most confused group of people I know - including myself, Why do I and others always feel like we are walking on eggshells with god? Why are we always striving toward some spiritual plane that no one has ever reached? Looking back that is all a church service was. Just pump you up and keep you going, you are almost there. Isn't life as a xtian supposed to be so wonderful?

 

They fired the youth pastor. The way it was handled was the last straw. I left that church and went to a more grace-filled church. Things started to clear up. I existed there about 7 years. I never did get alot out of it or make close friends, but it was something. A couple of other incidents happened that lowered my opinion of christians. The pastor at the ass of god church was put on trial for having sexing with 3 women that he was counseling. My former roomate who loved to tell men how to treat women got married and just about choked his new wife to death. I really started not liking xtians.

 

I had the opportunity to relocate for work and took it. My new worksite had some xtians. I just sat back and watched. They were not a good group. The UN and their black helicopters were coming. One guy would complain about people playing the rock station on the radio at work. Another would do nothing but complain about having to be at work - not that he actually worked, another was just a goofball - not a good goofball. They guy with the gold leafed bible on his toolbox got in trouble for plotting to have a rendevious with a 12 year old girl at a church camp where he was a counselor. I found another grace-filled type of church in the phonebook. I went once and could not get out of there fast enough. I was also paranoid of running into one of the xtians from work. I did not want to be identified with them. I had enough.

 

I got laid off. Instead of praying and seeking I reasearched and chose my own course. Things worked better than before. I don't know exactly when I stopped believing, it occured over years. I even looked for a former xtian website. I did not find one. I did check out the christian forums, I could see my old self in them. I stumbled into this one be looking for more news on the benny hinn divorce. It has helped me tremendously to read that you are not alone and that xtianity does have an evil side. It is wonderful to be able to be yourself again. That did not happen till I stopped believing. Thanks to all here and best wished to everyone.

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