Resentment

[Margee]

When you get resentful of a person,(of their opinions or something they said) or an institution, or situation - how do you handle the resentment? What do you do, to 'let it go'. When does one learn to speak up or shut up?

 

Resentment is poison in the heart and makes this short life really difficult. Seething with anger is not the answer, I know. I remember that the Church always said to pray for the person, place or thing - but what does one do when they don't pray anymore?

 

I know that I have heard this saying many times - 'pick your fights'. I'm never sure which ones to pick? Can anyone teach me how to pick my fights? Have any of you mastered this 'demon'?

[Legion]

I know that I have heard this saying many times - 'pick your fights'. I'm never sure which ones to pick? Can anyone teach me how to pick my fights? Have any of you mastered this 'demon'?

Knowing which battles to fight requires wisdom in my opinion. I don't know if wisdom can be learned or not. I know for myself I have one primary battle to fight in this life. I must defeat my own confusion. That is the primary objective for me. All other potential battles are ancillary to me.

[ilovemybrain]

Tough question - the "how" of this. I completely agree with you, though - "letting it go" is something I do for ME, for my own sanity and well-being. It would depend on the situation though, as to how to go about it. I don't think I can ever NOT resent christianity in general, but it's not an all-consuming poison to me. Removing myself from church was the first step, along with coming "out" to everyone, so I don't have to hide, and then slowly drifting away from most of my christian relationships. So just being away from the situation helped lessen the bitterness.

 

But in other situations you may be stuck with the person you resent. It helps to rant to people who are safe to complain to. And just keep doing kind things for you - take care of yourself and do fun things and connect with people, create something, rest, listen to music, do some writing, etc. And keep working toward changing your life to get it the way you want it. Hope this helps a little.

[florduh]

When you get resentful of a person,(of their opinions or something they said) or an institution, or situation - how do you handle the resentment? What do you do, to 'let it go'. When does one learn to speak up or shut up?

 

Resentment is poison in the heart and makes this short life really difficult. Seething with anger is not the answer, I know. I remember that the Church always said to pray for the person, place or thing - but what does one do when they don't pray anymore?

 

I know that I have heard this saying many times - 'pick your fights'. I'm never sure which ones to pick? Can anyone teach me how to pick my fights? Have any of you mastered this 'demon'?

Practice empathy. People usually do what they think is right. Try to understand why they think that way.

 

Speak up when you think others may suffer from a given situation. If only you are affected you can always walk away, both physically and emotionally.

 

Truly, living well is the best revenge. To harbor resentment or anger well past the offending incident causes you to pay a double price. It is, of course, your choice to take control of yourself or let others influence your thoughts.

[Phanta]

I echo what Flurduh wrote.

 

Before I read his post, I was thinking through what praying for a person might actually do to help. Praying for someone can foster condescending pity in us, or it can position us to have compassion for them. Then I read Florduh's suggestion to practice empathy.

 

I believe prayer is, at its best, self-transforming. Something else to consider is that Christians (or monotheists, for that matter) don't have a corner on prayer. So if prayer puts you in a position of releasing that resentment toward a person, go for it!

 

If you find the act of praying just no longer feels right to you due to your history with it (your mythology around it or whatever), then there are many other ways to practice empathy. There are meditations that can increase empathy. There are ways of direct exchange with a person that increase empathy, etc.

 

I am also working on this. In some cases, it is very, very hard. The more I am entangled with the person I resent, the harder it is to make progress.

 

In these cases, I also consider the wisdom of letting go/boundaries. Some things can be saved for later, when we are stronger and have resolved more issues or have more copes in place.

 

Be well,

 

Phanta

[par4dcourse]

I've regretted few things I didn't say.

 

Try and take a step back. Think "what will be accomplished" ?

 

Resentment makes you suffer and the person you are resentful toward will likely be oblivious. Think first, then act, then move on. And yes, it's easier said than done.

[MagickMonkey]

I had to deal with this with my ex wife. She's the only person I've ever truly hated for reasons I won't get into in this post. One thing I did to let go of the anger and hate was consider what kind of person she was and ask my self why I should expect her to act any differently. Shitty people act like shit. They can't act like good people, at least not indefinitely. I also second any recommendations about meditation.

 

You have to find a way that works for you to be able to let go of the resentment, but in the mean time, it might be helpful to think about all the reasons you are angry at the other person. Just get your self really worked up and pissed off. Crank up some heavy metal music to get you in the mood. Then beat the absolute fuck out of a punching bag or some other durable inanimate object. Vent your anger on something that can take it. Braking things has done wonders for me, but it can be quite expensive. I've had a few phones explode after talking to my ex and others who pissed me off. I always felt better when I was done, but buying new phones gets kinda old. Punching bags, however, can take the abuse. I've even punched a mattress several times as hard as I can to vent some anger.

[Galien]

Margee I think the level of resentment has a lot to do with a person's temperament. There are many many things that go on in this world that are just plain wrong. I have never understood why so many turn a blind eye to so much and accept it as "just the way things are".

 

Because I have a melancholy temperament and that makes me a bit of a perfectionist, I cannot ever see those things as being right. Other temperaments find it easier to ignore wrongs, or move on from them. I need to hold on to my knowledge of what is wrong so I don't let it fuck me over again and again. I am too forgiving and if I let go of my resentment over some things I too easily fall back to my default position of there being good in everyone and before I know it i am sucked in AGAIN.

 

My experience tells me that the church is just another organisation filled with ordinary human beings that will fuck me over every time I give them the chance. Far from being just christians, its humans, and in my fifty years of living I have found very few who know how to function outside that.

[Margee]

Wow! Such wonderful wisdom and advice! Thank you all! This word 'Empathy' - The power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another person's feelings... I did a little research - It basically says that by collecting information about other people's feelings, you get to know them better.

 

As you get to know others on an emotional level, you are likely to see similarities between your feelings and theirs, and between your basic emotional needs and theirs. When you realize that someone else's basic emotional needs are similar to yours, you are more able to identify with them, relate to them and empathize with them.

 

It also says that those who are not in touch with their own feelings are not likely to have a sense of conscience. They may feel no remorse, no guilt for causing harm to others. These are the people who could really make you mad!

When I investigated this word it said that - One thing which could easily cause a person to lose touch with his own feelings and to lose his natural sense of conscience, is an extremely painful childhood or adolescence. Such people have experienced so much pain that they shut themselves from it. This pain may have come from physical, sexual or emotional abuse. The end result though is similar. They do not experience their own pain, so they have no compassion for the pain of another. Nor do they have any empathy.

 

They are also likely to be extremely needy. In other words they have many, and deep, unmet emotional needs.. As adults, they have developed defense mechanisms in an attempt to block the pain coming from both these unmet needs.

 

In the absence of a conscience, behavior must be controlled by fear, guilt, threats and punishment. That's it! This is what some people do! This is what the Church does when you leave!

 

Now - I must try to develop empathy and understand where they are coming from! My problem is getting 'caught up' in the moment of someone saying something and reacting to it, or not reacting to it and holding on to 'resentment! I think I got it.

 

 

[Galien]

When I investigated this word it said that - One thing which could easily cause a person to lose touch with his own feelings and to lose his natural sense of conscience, is an extremely painful childhood or adolescence. Such people have experienced so much pain that they shut themselves from it. This pain may have come from physical, sexual or emotional abuse. The end result though is similar. They do not experience their own pain, so they have no compassion for the pain of another. Nor do they have any empathy.

 

This is why I had so much trouble with the church. I had an horrendously abusive childhood in every sense, but instead of making me close myself off from feeling, I went the other way. I have too much empathy, which often meant I have a lot of empathy for others but they have very little for me. That just added insult to my already injured psyche and made me feel like I was less than nothing. For many years I thought they did it on purpose because they thought I deserved nothing. Now I have learned they just don't want to feel because it hurts too much. For some reason my heart is not able to block out pain, which has made for one wild ride of a life let me tell ya.

 

But since i have learned this I am no longer so hard on myself and no longer want to end my own life. I understand now that people are rarely willing or able to give me the same amount of empathy and love I am prepared to give them. So now I keep my pearls for the ones that are instead of lving my life like an emotional drive thru. I'm fifty fucking years old and could kick myself in the head for being so dumb for so long.

[Margee]

When I investigated this word it said that - One thing which could easily cause a person to lose touch with his own feelings and to lose his natural sense of conscience, is an extremely painful childhood or adolescence. Such people have experienced so much pain that they shut themselves from it. This pain may have come from physical, sexual or emotional abuse. The end result though is similar. They do not experience their own pain, so they have no compassion for the pain of another. Nor do they have any empathy.

 

This is why I had so much trouble with the church. I had an horrendously abusive childhood in every sense, but instead of making me close myself off from feeling, I went the other way. I have too much empathy, which often meant I have a lot of empathy for others but they have very little for me. That just added insult to my already injured psyche and made me feel like I was less than nothing. For many years I thought they did it on purpose because they thought I deserved nothing. Now I have learned they just don't want to feel because it hurts too much. For some reason my heart is not able to block out pain, which has made for one wild ride of a life let me tell ya.

 

But since i have learned this I am no longer so hard on myself and no longer want to end my own life. I understand now that people are rarely willing or able to give me the same amount of empathy and love I am prepared to give them. So now I keep my pearls for the ones that are instead of lving my life like an emotional drive thru. I'm fifty fucking years old and could kick myself in the head for being so dumb for so long.

 

I hear ya Galien!

[NaturalMary63]

All the other advice is good, too - eventually one must try to empathize when possible and let it go.

 

But sometimes, when you're trying to figure out your own feelings or get them out, you can rant and rave in a journal/diary. Many times in my life the only place I could go to figure things out was the pages of my diary. It can be very helpful to 'see' what you 'feel' as you're writing.

 

Also, realize that people are crazy. Stupid and crazy. All of us have our own stupidity and craziness. Some people's are just more annoying or hurtful than others. ;-)

[Phanta]

Oh yeah...letters you don't send can be a good tool. For me, that is especially if I am really pissed and totally not in a place for empathy. I write and write and write...and delete.

[Galien]

Oh yeah...letters you don't send can be a good tool. For me, that is especially if I am really pissed and totally not in a place for empathy. I write and write and write...and delete.

 

 

I always send what I write. People wanna fuck with my head and heart, they will know about it. I may not be able to fix it, but I will not go quietly. I may not be able to make people accountable but dammit they will know exactly how their treatment made me feel.

[Deva]

The only thing that works for me is time and distance. I cannot be around a situation where there is a cold hostility like I experienced for 7 years on my last job. I simply won't put myself in another situation like that. I tried everything I could think of - this woman (co-worker) just hated me. I could feel it in waves from her. Yet, she never had the guts to say it to my face. In fact, my first post to these forums was related to this very tough situation. I tried to be nice, talk with her, just a stony silence. My parents came to the office (from out of state) and when I introduced them to her she didn't even turn around from her computer! Incredibly rude. Then later I suspected she was giving me some wrong information when I would ask her questions that were work related.

 

So I am happy in one way that they laid me off there eventually. I have no idea whatsoever why she was so unfriendly. I know she held some grudges to other people. I resented this treatment, and to some extent I still do, but when I reflect on the sad life she has (lives as a caregiver with her invalid mother) and then I feel some compassion. It IS hard though.

[foolish girl]

When you get resentful of a person,(of their opinions or something they said) or an institution, or situation - how do you handle the resentment? What do you do, to 'let it go'. When does one learn to speak up or shut up?

 

Resentment is poison in the heart and makes this short life really difficult. Seething with anger is not the answer, I know. I remember that the Church always said to pray for the person, place or thing - but what does one do when they don't pray anymore?

 

I know that I have heard this saying many times - 'pick your fights'. I'm never sure which ones to pick? Can anyone teach me how to pick my fights? Have any of you mastered this 'demon'?

 

Just tonight.

 

I sat on the floor and breathed.

 

I did this because I was coming unglued. Angry. Bitter. Scared. Hopeless. Insecure.

 

I turned off the lights, turned on my "Calm meditation " channel on pandora....and I stopped.

...........

.............................. When it would creep into my head I thought "that doesn't define who I am"...then feel your heartbeat- only. Feel the rise and fall of breath- only....

 

.............now rinse and repeat.

 

Now I am here at my computer and those feelings keep trying to comeback, but I have a little practice shutting them up, so I am trying that.

 

I am new to this method, but it does seem to help me.

 

Second, if someone is hurting you purposefully- you have the right to tell them to stop.

Third If they are hurting you inadvertently, then you may be doing them a favor by pointing it out. (maybe they don't WANT to be an asshole)

 

Fourth sometimes it just doesn't matter...cause, like you taught me recently- we are just worried monkeys. Just breathe in and breath out and wait for tomorrow.

 

All that said and done, I still have a dull anxious ache in the pit of my stomach......but I am trying.

 

Do want to tell us what you are resenting?

[foolish girl]

I always felt better when I was done, but buying new phones gets kinda old. Punching bags, however, can take the abuse. I've even punched a mattress several times as hard as I can to vent some anger.

 

 

All hail the punching bag...or a long run...or DANCING. It is hard to be angry if you dance.

[foolish girl]

 

Also, realize that people are crazy. Stupid and crazy. All of us have our own stupidity and craziness. Some people's are just more annoying or hurtful than others. ;-)

 

Amen Sister! I think I shall go and quote you now

[Margee]

When you get resentful of a person,(of their opinions or something they said) or an institution, or situation - how do you handle the resentment? What do you do, to 'let it go'. When does one learn to speak up or shut up?

 

Resentment is poison in the heart and makes this short life really difficult. Seething with anger is not the answer, I know. I remember that the Church always said to pray for the person, place or thing - but what does one do when they don't pray anymore?

 

I know that I have heard this saying many times - 'pick your fights'. I'm never sure which ones to pick? Can anyone teach me how to pick my fights? Have any of you mastered this 'demon'?

 

Just tonight.

 

I sat on the floor and breathed.

 

I did this because I was coming unglued. Angry. Bitter. Scared. Hopeless. Insecure.

 

I turned off the lights, turned on my "Calm meditation " channel on pandora....and I stopped.

...........

.............................. When it would creep into my head I thought "that doesn't define who I am"...then feel your heartbeat- only. Feel the rise and fall of breath- only....

 

.............now rinse and repeat.

 

Now I am here at my computer and those feelings keep trying to comeback, but I have a little practice shutting them up, so I am trying that.

 

I am new to this method, but it does seem to help me.

 

Second, if someone is hurting you purposefully- you have the right to tell them to stop.

Third If they are hurting you inadvertently, then you may be doing them a favor by pointing it out. (maybe they don't WANT to be an asshole)

 

Fourth sometimes it just doesn't matter...cause, like you taught me recently- we are just worried monkeys. Just breathe in and breath out and wait for tomorrow.

 

All that said and done, I still have a dull anxious ache in the pit of my stomach......but I am trying.

 

Do want to tell us what you are resenting?

 

 

I'm breathing...........................deconverting, rules, regulations, monkeys (people ) working, doing housework, paying bills, god, the world, mistakes, time, death, dieting, worrying, funerals, 'client monkeys', war, rape, opinions, airlines, snow, rain, institutions........................just a couple of things!

 

By george -I think I could be a little depressed! I am thinking that another subject to go along with this topic, would be acceptance. I need to get to acceptance that this world is the way it is. Isn't acceptance part of the grieving process? If I could get to 'acceptance' than I wouldn't 'resent' everything right now so bad.

I also think I'm just tired right now?

 

I'll work on all of this - I promise! Breathing....................... heartbeat...................................

 

P.S. all the icons, underlining and bold are for you today! (wink!)

 

[Phanta]

Oh yeah...letters you don't send can be a good tool. For me, that is especially if I am really pissed and totally not in a place for empathy. I write and write and write...and delete.

 

 

I always send what I write. People wanna fuck with my head and heart, they will know about it. I may not be able to fix it, but I will not go quietly. I may not be able to make people accountable but dammit they will know exactly how their treatment made me feel.

 

That's cool. I just don't want to deal with the escalation.

[Kyle]

Lots of wonderful advice in this thread. Mine is much simpler. I now believe my life is finite. Therefore, resentment is a non-enjoyable waste of time. If I'm going to waste some of the time that I have left, it's gonna be something much more "fun"

[Margee]

Nail on the head Kyle!! Thanks! good words!

[xandermac]

Oh yeah...letters you don't send can be a good tool. For me, that is especially if I am really pissed and totally not in a place for empathy. I write and write and write...and delete.

 

I do this a lot. Humor is also a good tool for me. I was betrayed by my best friend and I thought I'd never get over the anger. Now when anyone ask about her I just make jokes about how she looks like Sasquatch or I call her Big Foot. Or I go into a chorus of Once, Twice, 3 Times a Yeti....

[hereticzero]

When you get resentful of a person,(of their opinions or something they said) or an institution, or situation - how do you handle the resentment? What do you do, to 'let it go'. When does one learn to speak up or shut up?

 

Resentment is poison in the heart and makes this short life really difficult. Seething with anger is not the answer, I know. I remember that the Church always said to pray for the person, place or thing - but what does one do when they don't pray anymore?

 

I know that I have heard this saying many times - 'pick your fights'. I'm never sure which ones to pick? Can anyone teach me how to pick my fights? Have any of you mastered this 'demon'?

I have and have not done well with this area. For instance I have big issues with Dept. of Veterans Affairs over how I am treated by them as a 100% disabled veteran. Sometimes my anger gets the better of me but when the dust settles, and if I am using the correct information for my arguments, I get what I want but it takes a big fight to get the benefits I am entitled to. I try to pick my fights because I do not want to cause such a commotion that those providing care do so inadequately. Instead of prayer, I try to use the law that governs the VA to prove my point, and then if the person still refuses to cooperate then I am willing to show them the 'dark side of the force' that means to take my complaints to the Director or even his boss. For days that just don't go well there is Valium and nappy time. I try not to carry a grudge because that is ineffective. I generally just try to ignore the people that get under my skin if it is a one-time thing. But for those who insist day after day to ignore the law just to deny benefits, I do file complaints and enjoy the times when the people get fired! If I am required to behave a certain manner, then I expect the same courtesy from a 'professional.' PTSD is hell! It is awfully hard not to respond in a negative manner when someone's pushing all my buttons. If they are trying for a reaction, they are going to get one and maybe not the one they expected. I do not resort to violence but I do get my point across verbally, maybe too much at times. I do resent bureaucrats that never served a day in the military but they are the ones telling me what i can or cannot have and they generally don't have a clue because they won't look the law up but rather depend on VA policy to carry their argument and with me that just doesn't work. Policies never trump law. I even worked for the VA for several years and still get treated badly when in need of urgent care. There are no simple solutions for not being resentful. Some actions by certain individuals are inexcusable and they deserve verbal reprimands. I believe in fair play too. If I have to endure them, they can endure me. I pick my fights/arguments by letting some insults by VA employees slide and figure maybe they are just having a bad day. I have them so I can understand they do too. But if they continue on that course then I go for the jugular, so to speak, and try to have them removed from their jobs.

[MagickMonkey]

When you get resentful of a person,(of their opinions or something they said) or an institution, or situation - how do you handle the resentment? What do you do, to 'let it go'. When does one learn to speak up or shut up?

 

Resentment is poison in the heart and makes this short life really difficult. Seething with anger is not the answer, I know. I remember that the Church always said to pray for the person, place or thing - but what does one do when they don't pray anymore?

 

I know that I have heard this saying many times - 'pick your fights'. I'm never sure which ones to pick? Can anyone teach me how to pick my fights? Have any of you mastered this 'demon'?

I have and have not done well with this area. For instance I have big issues with Dept. of Veterans Affairs over how I am treated by them as a 100% disabled veteran. Sometimes my anger gets the better of me but when the dust settles, and if I am using the correct information for my arguments, I get what I want but it takes a big fight to get the benefits I am entitled to. I try to pick my fights because I do not want to cause such a commotion that those providing care do so inadequately. Instead of prayer, I try to use the law that governs the VA to prove my point, and then if the person still refuses to cooperate then I am willing to show them the 'dark side of the force' that means to take my complaints to the Director or even his boss. For days that just don't go well there is Valium and nappy time. I try not to carry a grudge because that is ineffective. I generally just try to ignore the people that get under my skin if it is a one-time thing. But for those who insist day after day to ignore the law just to deny benefits, I do file complaints and enjoy the times when the people get fired! If I am required to behave a certain manner, then I expect the same courtesy from a 'professional.' PTSD is hell! It is awfully hard not to respond in a negative manner when someone's pushing all my buttons. If they are trying for a reaction, they are going to get one and maybe not the one they expected. I do not resort to violence but I do get my point across verbally, maybe too much at times. I do resent bureaucrats that never served a day in the military but they are the ones telling me what i can or cannot have and they generally don't have a clue because they won't look the law up but rather depend on VA policy to carry their argument and with me that just doesn't work. Policies never trump law. I even worked for the VA for several years and still get treated badly when in need of urgent care. There are no simple solutions for not being resentful. Some actions by certain individuals are inexcusable and they deserve verbal reprimands. I believe in fair play too. If I have to endure them, they can endure me. I pick my fights/arguments by letting some insults by VA employees slide and figure maybe they are just having a bad day. I have them so I can understand they do too. But if they continue on that course then I go for the jugular, so to speak, and try to have them removed from their jobs.

 

I have a buddy who is a disabled vet. I don't know if he has many signs of PTSD, but he has a lot of memory loss and seizures daily. (pretty sure the seizures have nothing to do with PTSD). He was discharged from the Army because of his seizures. He is on VA benefits now, but he was homeless for a couple of years before he got his benefits. Had to live in a tent in a park for a while. Luckily, he's doing alright now, though he has to live within a decent distance of a VA hospital.