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The Power Of Vulnerability


Phanta
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Consider the epiphany of qualitative social researcher Brene Brown regarding shame and vulnerability.

 

Unfortunately, I can't embed the video.

 

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Great video Phanta. One of the saving graces of my shame based life is that I have never lost the capacity to openly tell my story warts and all. I have discovered that those who choose to disconnect because of the truth of it were probably never really connected anyway. I am glad that being real has always been more important to me than fitting in. It has been my saviour.

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Dear Phanta that was just what I needed to hear just when I needed to hear it. Thank you.

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Wow that video was amazing. Thankyou Phanta for posting it. I cant tell you how much it encouraged me tonight. :)

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Interesting vid, but I have to admit, it freaked me out a bit. She is an academic, but she speaks EXACTLY like the people in the churches I grew up in. I suppose the lesson here is the churches borrowed the science of effective communication, but even all these years later I feel myself pulling back from it and feeling a bit of repulsion even though the message is completely different.

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Phanta, I really want to watch this vid, but I've been so busy. Hopefully I will be able to soon.

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I enjoyed the video. I think there is a lot of truth to what she is saying. Like Viglie, I was a bit put off by her speaking style, but the content was good.

 

Courage and a feeling of worthiness goes a long way in life. Its just getting those qualities that is difficult, especially for those of us indoctrinated in the idea of "original sin" and who saw it exemplified in the lives of our parents, our main role models growing up.

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Interesting vid, but I have to admit, it freaked me out a bit. She is an academic, but she speaks EXACTLY like the people in the churches I grew up in. I suppose the lesson here is the churches borrowed the science of effective communication, but even all these years later I feel myself pulling back from it and feeling a bit of repulsion even though the message is completely different.

 

Interesting, this stuff usually triggers me as well, especially those hypey everything is positive speakers. I guess though I never even though of this stuff in those terms because it actually means something concrete.

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Interesting vid, but I have to admit, it freaked me out a bit. She is an academic, but she speaks EXACTLY like the people in the churches I grew up in. I suppose the lesson here is the churches borrowed the science of effective communication, but even all these years later I feel myself pulling back from it and feeling a bit of repulsion even though the message is completely different.

 

Having not had significant experience with those types of churches, I had no issue with this particular speaker's style. However, I often have to remind myself that churches don't have a corner on anything in areas where I do have deep associations. And sometimes, the wise choice is to walk away from a thing with so many associations.

 

Sometimes the characteristics of the thing is the problem. Sometimes it's just my relationship with the associations that is the problem. It's interesting sorting out which is which.

 

Phanta

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Brene's message comes to me at the right time of my life. I've been thinking about it a lot...letting it soak into my psyche. Here is what is rising to the top.

 

Brene lists 3 common factors for people who are whole-hearted people in these areas in their journey to embracing vulnerability:

 

Courage

Compassion

Connection

 

Courage is telling the story of who you are with your whole heart.

 

Compassion is being kind to ourselves first, and others second.

 

Connection is the result of authenticity.

 

I think about where I am strong in these areas. Authenticity is a strength, my willingness to tell my story, to lay it all out there for others to take or leave. I am full of courage.

 

And I get connection to a point, but something is missing, and here is why. The list above is linear. You start with courage, you respond to whole-hearted stories with compassion and are responded to with reciprocated compassion in true connection. So, I have connection, but it is stunted. Why?

 

"You are so hard on yourself." I hear that as often as I hear how "real" I am. What does that tell me? That insofar as I am unable to have compassion for myself, I am unable to have it for others. And so, I am loved for my authenticity, but I cannot reciprocate that love at a deep level. It yields unbalanced connections, with myself on the needy end of not feeling like I am enough, like anyone is enough.

 

So, if I want true, intimate connection, my first work might be to have compassion for myself. Compassion for others will ensue from that work.

 

Phanta

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Something else I realized is that when we speak of "emotional strength", people mostly mean strength against emotions. I.e. people who suppress and compartmentalize their emotions.

 

But now I see that emotional strength is being fully present with our emotions. That is, being able to identify what we are feeling and allowing that feeling.

 

Phanta

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Something else I realized is that when we speak of "emotional strength", people mostly mean strength against emotions. I.e. people who suppress and compartmentalize their emotions.

 

But now I see that emotional strength is being fully present with our emotions. That is, being able to identify what we are feeling and allowing that feeling.

I agree, and I think being able to pinpoint WHY we are feeling what we are feeling is also very important.

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What I have learmed in the past five years of therapy is that it was my mother in my head that made me feel like i was never enough. In the deep places of me she till lurked barking out "stupid bitch" no matter how well i thought I was doing.

 

The abusers have to be sandblasted out of our minds so we find a place of true acceptance of ourselves warts and all. Only then can we fully embrace ourselves with love and acceptance, and yell to the world with complete joy "I am enough, I am" and for the first time - believe it to the depths of our soul.

 

Fuck these assholes who get inside us and tell us otherwise, steal years of our young lives making us believe bullshit with the strength of their own self hate. I REFUSE to let them own one more day of my life.

 

And remember, when the day comes and the full realisation of what a complete cunt you have been to yourself hits you right between the eyes, forgive yourself for that also. You really didn't know any better.

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  • 2 weeks later...

"You are so hard on yourself." I hear that as often as I hear how "real" I am. What does that tell me? That insofar as I am unable to have compassion for myself, I am unable to have it for others. And so, I am loved for my authenticity, but I cannot reciprocate that love at a deep level. It yields unbalanced connections, with myself on the needy end of not feeling like I am enough, like anyone is enough.

 

Phanta,

 

I have also been thinking about this very topic a lot lately--many months, in fact, so this video came along at the right time. Thank you very much. For a couple of weeks now, I have been trying to sort out all my thoughts and feelings on this thread before replying.

 

First, I so completely identify with what you said above that I don't even feel the need to put it into my own words. Second, one technique that has been helping me lately is to not only give others an A but to also give myself an A (from the book The Art of Possibility by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander). It is amazing how transformational giving yourself an A can be, before you deserve it or even if you don't think you deserve it. It is equally amazing how transformational giving others an A can be.

 

I hope that all the internal changes I am experiencing will yield closer connections with others in the future.

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Something else I realized is that when we speak of "emotional strength", people mostly mean strength against emotions. I.e. people who suppress and compartmentalize their emotions.

 

But now I see that emotional strength is being fully present with our emotions. That is, being able to identify what we are feeling and allowing that feeling.

 

I agree, and I think being able to pinpoint WHY we are feeling what we are feeling is also very important.

 

Good point. That is also a part of emotional strength. And, I would argue, some ability to regulate when, where and how we allow the emotions release.

 

Phanta

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And remember, when the day comes and the full realisation of what a complete cunt you have been to yourself hits you right between the eyes, forgive yourself for that also. You really didn't know any better.

 

This is great advice, Gal. I'm not there yet, but I know it's coming, and I will grieve. So, I will tuck your words away for that future. Thank you.

 

P

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I have also been thinking about this very topic a lot lately--many months, in fact, so this video came along at the right time. Thank you very much. For a couple of weeks now, I have been trying to sort out all my thoughts and feelings on this thread before replying.

 

First, I so completely identify with what you said above that I don't even feel the need to put it into my own words. Second, one technique that has been helping me lately is to not only give others an A but to also give myself an A (from the book The Art of Possibility by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander). It is amazing how transformational giving yourself an A can be, before you deserve it or even if you don't think you deserve it. It is equally amazing how transformational giving others an A can be.

 

I hope that all the internal changes I am experiencing will yield closer connections with others in the future.

 

Thanks for posting. I put the book you recommended on my wish list. Thanks for sharing a bit of your journey... I had to take some time to gather my thoughts, too. The ideas in this video are having such an intense, life-changing effect...I see all of that anger I was feeling in response to intense cognitive dissonance busting down when it is triggered.

 

The scales have tipped. I choose learning to love and forgive. It will be a process, it will take time to see progress, and I will never be perfect at it. But, as I do my work, I guess I won't mind so much. We'll see.

 

Phanta

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