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How Do I Address/overcome Sexual Shame

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Does anyone have any advice/insight on how to overcome sexual shame originating from the belief of equating avoidance of sexuality (or in general relationships with the other sex) with purity?

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1) Get a professional non-Christian counselor.

 

2) If you were a female, I'd recommend Bust Magazine. Since you're a guy, I recommend dating a woman who reads Bust Magazine and read whatever the male equivalent of feminist literature is.

 

3) Watch The Power of Vulnerability.

 

4) Think loving thoughts about belonging and worthiness while you masturbate.

 

Good luck!

 

Phanta

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Purity is not about sex. It is the willingness to be totally honest with yourself about your agendas, to love with an open heart and to refuse to be sullied by self interest.

 

Sex is a natural biological function. It is only stupididty that has linked it with shame and misconceptions about purity. I know christian virgins that are self centred ego driven assholes. Where is the purity in that?

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Repressed sexuality may or may not be caused solely by religion. I recommend professional counseling as well.

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I overcame mine by getting laid. I don't know if this physical therapy works for everyone but it worked for me!

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Repressed sexuality may or may not be caused solely by religion. I recommend professional counseling as well.

 

I think repressed sexuality is caused by abuse....sexual....emotional......spiritual.....whatever.

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I think that reading Dan Savage's book, Savage Love or reading the archive of his weekly online advice column, Savage Love (goes back to 1999), and listening to his weekly podcasts, might really help. At first, you may feel shocked at some of the things you would read or hear, but if you keep on reading and listening, you would probably become more and more accustomed to what he calls a "sex-positive" attitude. Good luck!

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I overcame mine by getting laid. I don't know if this physical therapy works for everyone but it worked for me!

 

Fuck yeah, man! That's how I did it, too! It was the best thing I ever did for my mental health!

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I started to listen to and follow my natural desires. To accept that the things that I liked and wanted were good. I gave up so many opportunitiesfor love and sex when I was trying to follow God- and at one point could not express how I felt towards the opposite sex. It was definately unhealthy. I have a healthy sex life now but its not an easy place to get to. I think just going out and socializing helps.

 

 

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I overcame mine by getting laid. I don't know if this physical therapy works for everyone but it worked for me!

 

Not everyone is as smokin' as you Heretic....ha ha

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I read a christian site for married couples and their sex lives. It is one of the things that has truly shown me that christians are no different to non christians. I feel so sad for some of these people who didn't find out until into marriage how demented their partners were with sex, or who had no interest in it at all. Some of them even share their sexual anxiety, which sounds very similar to stories on here about how repressed they were, and then suddenly they can have sex, but still feel so repressed with it.

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At its core, sexuality is a biological function. Everything else related to our sexual desires including how we do it, with whom we do it, whether or not we do it before marriage, whether we are monogamous and all the rest are mere conventions. How can one be pure with a biological function? It makes no sense. Is there a way to be pure in the way your heart beats or in the way your kidneys purify your blood? So-called sexual purity is another of the many ways the religion and its leaders try to control you. See this concept for what it is and you can begin to free yourself from its silliness.

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Seriously though it usually comes with feeling/telling yourself it's ok to have these feelings, like you're ok, experimenting.

 

Although it's kinda weird learning about evolution . Realizing we aren't in control of our drives, it's their for a reason, and also just be gentle with yourself. Ease yourself into it, you don't have to be some sort of stallion right away right?

 

This all being said i'm still not comfortable right now, but that's my own fault, i have been though, and i'm probably a lot more neurotic than you...ha ha It'll get better

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I overcame mine by getting laid. I don't know if this physical therapy works for everyone but it worked for me!

 

Yep, good idea. I think it was that, plus all the resentment I built up towards all the sexual indoctrination that made me dismiss the guilt once and for all. I realized how many opportunities I had wasted, got sick of all the guilt trips, and didn't want to waste the prime of my life any longer. I had to make up for all that lost time.

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It helped me to read up on different cultures (particularly non-western and indigenous) and subcultures (swingers, bdsm, poly, crazy mormons) to reinforce the idea that the Christian purity silliness isn't some law of nature. I found that cultures vary greatly on which gender initiates, expectations of fidelity, and even the very basic idea of what marriage entails. For example, I heard about one culture where a woman picks who she looses her virginity to, that man becomes her husband in the sense of helping raise her children, but there were no expectations of sexual fidelity until they got TV (and with the concept of fidelity came their first case of domestic abuse). Or the Muslim culture that doesn't obsess over virginity, and any divorced woman has a host of suitors after her mandatory month of mourning because the guys love a woman who knows what to do in bed.

 

Oh, and read up on other primates too. Our closest relatives also have a very wide range of mating patterns.

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Most American Christianity is based on 19th Century Victorian prudishness. It is a scourge that not only affects American religion but our whole culture. My suggestion, feel free to start surfing some porn. Then meet a woman with whom you are both interested in getting laid. Make sure you use precautions and have fun.

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Masturbation, porn, masturbation, porn, masturbation, porn, and more masturbation and porn.

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It's taken all these years for me to realize that I'm just a human animal. :shrug: ......so now I forgive myself for everything!!:grin:

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I struggle with this too but in a different way. I have been married for 13 years and am perfectly comfortable with my husband. My problem is what to teach my kids. I don't want to pass on the sexual shame to them and at the same time, I don't want them to have sex.

 

I have two 13 year old girls and a 14 year old son. So this time in their lives is extremely important in regards to their sexuality. I want them to value themselves and not think it's fine to sleep with just anybody. I also want them to wait until they are much older.

But I don't want to shame them or make them think sex is bad.

 

It's so hard because I'm trying to figure out what is reasonable and what is residual dogma.

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It's so hard because I'm trying to figure out what is reasonable and what is residual dogma.

 

The contrast you draw is a good one. It is between that which is "reasonable" and that which is "dogma" and I think this contrast can be your guide.

 

If something is reasonable it is so because one has thought it through and has good reasons for one's conclusions. If something is dogma, no thought is required. All that is required is to do or not do what you are told and the reasons be damned.

 

So reasoning through the issue of what and how to teach your children about sex takes a lot of things into account. They may include the child's age, susceptibility to sexually transmitted diseases, the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy, vulnerability to sexual predators, their emotional ability to handle an intimate relationship, their long-term good in terms of having a healthy attitude toward sex. So think it through with the highest priority being to do what is, in the long term, best for your children; remembering, as tough as it may be to think of your children in this way, one day they will deserve to have a satisfying sex life free from the kind of guilt foisted on so many people by the Christian religion.

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It's so hard because I'm trying to figure out what is reasonable and what is residual dogma.

 

The contrast you draw is a good one. It is between that which is "reasonable" and that which is "dogma" and I think this contrast can be your guide.

 

If something is reasonable it is so because one has thought it through and has good reasons for one's conclusions. If something is dogma, no thought is required. All that is required is to do or not do what you are told and the reasons be damned.

 

So reasoning through the issue of what and how to teach your children about sex takes a lot of things into account. They may include the child's age, susceptibility to sexually transmitted diseases, the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy, vulnerability to sexual predators, their emotional ability to handle an intimate relationship, their long-term good in terms of having a healthy attitude toward sex. So think it through with the highest priority being to do what is, in the long term, best for your children; remembering, as tough as it may be to think of your children in this way, one day they will deserve to have a satisfying sex life free from the kind of guilt foisted on so many people by the Christian religion.

 

And when you have those reasons, be sure to share them with your kids. There were so many rules I never understood, wasn't allowed to question, and just expected that it would make sense when I grew up that once I deconverted and no longer felt beholden to the rules, I had no clue which ones were reasonable and which ones weren't. Few teenagers will believe "I'm setting these rules for your own good" unless you can prove to them that it's really in their best interest and not just yours.

 

The way I've imagined I'd approach it with hypothetical future kids is to be sure that sex ed includes how to have good sex, how to have safe sex, what the emotions involved are like, and the importance of informed consent. And reinforce that even though sex is not bad, or rather because it is so good, it can be very powerful and anything powerful has the potential to be dangerous when handled improperly. I'd also try to encourage them, if they're thinking about having sex with someone, to, uh, figure their body out with themselves first (partly so that the feelings that come with orgasm don't get mistaken for being in love and keep them trapped in a bad relationship).

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It helped me to read up on different cultures (particularly non-western and indigenous) and subcultures (swingers, bdsm, poly, crazy mormons) to reinforce the idea that the Christian purity silliness isn't some law of nature. I found that cultures vary greatly on which gender initiates, expectations of fidelity, and even the very basic idea of what marriage entails.

 

I was so poisoned against sex that I had to go to the darkest extreme -- BDSM, where the pain/pleasure aspect could let me discover rapture. No one had preached against kinky sex, so I didn't have the guilt mechanisms built into that kind of sexual expression. Over the years, I slowly figured out where the guilt mechanisms laid (har, har! No pun intended...), examined them, figured out they were silly, and slowly became okay with straight, vanilla sex. By getting into something that didn't have any programmed shame, I was able to learn to not feel any shame with what is socially accepted as "normal."

 

Don't know if that helps any, but it worked for me.

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