My Parents Have Left Me Full Of Rage

[Mutate]

when I was a kid my parents used to make a big stress over my homework and make me do it again, saying it wasnt neat enough. i used to just not do homework to save on the stress of having to do their neatness rituals, and get loads of detentions and be suspended all the time. They used to look at my essays and make me do it again, but they wouldn't read the content, just go on about the angle the words slanted at and the spaces between the words. I only did well in my age 16 exams because i put my foot down and was harsh about it. They both went to fundamentalist Bible college where all you had to do was write down the same essay on why Calvinists were right and every other denomination was wrong, and all they had to do was write it neatly and have the right theology and they got top marks. They are both unstable and messed up and used to have rages and hit me with a wooden spoon and push me into the wall so i had bruises on my back. However they were both traumatised by abusive parents and church saved them.

They always used to make a big thing about humiliating me when they hit me and say "stand there and take it like a man" "you need this youll thank us for this one day". And they are really unassertive and can't deal with people at all.

 

Im in my 20s, I have been living with a girlfriend who was just like them, unstable and nuts, traumatised (though she was atheist and communist). I have left her and come back to live with my parents again and they drive me nuts. Theyve calmed down a lot now and are much better than they used to be but still unstable. For example my mum breaks down and cries whenever she interprets someone being rude to her, even if she imagined it. And she walks around cringing and stuttering like shes scared of everone, even though i have only ever seen her being agressive to others.

 

Anyway..they are not bad now, they have got a lot better. But they drive me nuts and annoy me. Because i have so many bad memories of when they were worse, the slightest thing sets me off.

 

Plus...My dad has not really wanted to be Xian anymore for years, but he sticks with it to not have to bother upsetting my mum, but he has no passion or drive for anything at all. And my mum has this split personality, of being a down to earth non Xian and a judgemental Xian. In the first, she talks with a rougher accent like her family, and watches films with swearing, in the second, she sits up straight with a paranoid look on her face all the time, talks in a posh voice and preaches at everyone.

 

Plus my dad was always really perverted and muttered to himself whenver he saw an attractive girl (sometimes teenage), he's always seemed really frustrated and horny for other women and stuck in marriage, yet they still preached their nutty morals to me. its just nuts.

[freespirit]

I think if it's at all possible, you need to move out and live on your own. Being in that environment all the time will keep you wrapped up in your own tangle of emotions. Just my opinion.

[seriously]

I think if it's at all possible, you need to move out and live on your own. Being in that environment all the time will keep you wrapped up in your own tangle of emotions. Just my opinion.

 

I agree. That sounds like a very, very unhealthy environment. Get outta there pronto.

[Margee]

hi mutate!A few things were coming at me as I read your letter. I can only speak from my own experiences.

 

When I was a full blown 'born again' believer -I also could be two different people. I wanted desperately for 'the world' to accept me, so I listened and laughed at non christians dirty jokes (even told a few myself to fit in) and then I would go back and hang out with the good Christians and would behave myself. It really was like having 2 different personalities. Now that I look back - I was just being 'fully' human' - very much a 'people pleaser'.

 

When I was reading about how your parents corrected your essays - I remember strongly that my mom used to tell my sister and I that we could 'go out and play' after all the house work was done. I was told that so many times in my life, that I still have a very hard time 'playing' because the dammed housework is still never completely done! It is amazing how we hold on to messages about 'things' that people have brainwashed us with.

 

The best thing that ever happened to me was when I gave up the 'people pleasing' bullshit and decided that I didn't need their (friends and family) approval. I did it and still try to do this respectfully. I just know inside how I feel and I stand by that. So many times in life people tell you not to feel a certain way - bullshit. I go by my instincts now.

 

I try so hard not to pay too much attention to all the 'drama' that goes on within family circles. I try very hard to love most people for their good points and try to keep my eyes off their negative traits. Yes - this is hard to do. And I never allow anyone to abuse me anymore. I have learned how to speak up for myself, but it took a good many years to do this. I did and still do get angry when my boundaries are crossed - so I try to say what I have to say, as honestly as I can and hopefully will get 'respected' from this.

 

Good luck my friend in taking back your life!

[Discern]

I swear growing up in fundamental christianity is a recipe for going nuts. Even if you go nuts only a little bit. The constant guilt-trips and always trying to measure up to the church's standards; while developing your own personality which of course is worldly so you're always trying to suppress it. You do end up a little schitzo.

 

I also had overly strict parents, though not to the extreme you describe, but their motto was "spare the rod, spoil the child". Over-emphasis on discipline was big in my church for years. My parents are still christians, but they have chilled out a bit since their more extreme days. I left home when I was 18, but it still took me at least 5 years to start getting my personality and confidence back after being dictated to and shut down whenever I questioned anything about church or their authority. It also took me years just to relate to 'unsaved' people without internally condemning them or being worried about how I'm going to get them 'saved'.

[Kathlene]

I swear growing up in fundamental christianity is a recipe for going nuts. Even if you go nuts only a little bit. The constant guilt-trips and always trying to measure up to the church's standards; while developing your own personality which of course is worldly so you're always trying to suppress it. You do end up a little schitzo.

 

I also had overly strict parents, though not to the extreme you describe, but their motto was "spare the rod, spoil the child". Over-emphasis on discipline was big in my church for years. My parents are still christians, but they have chilled out a bit since their more extreme days. I left home when I was 18, but it still took me at least 5 years to start getting my personality and confidence back after being dictated to and shut down whenever I questioned anything about church or their authority. It also took me years just to relate to 'unsaved' people without internally condemning them or being worried about how I'm going to get them 'saved'.

 

 

I grew up with an extremely strict catholic father. So very authoritarian. Thankfully I didnt grow up in youth groups, etc. I did however become a fanatical born again christian at 22. I know the exact feeling of trying to relate to unsaved people, well now I am one of them, sooo. But yes, the relief is palpable. I feel like just another normal human being on this planet. There is a tension that has been lifted off me. Phew..

[DayLight]

when I was a kid my parents used to make a big stress over my homework and make me do it again, saying it wasnt neat enough. i used to just not do homework to save on the stress of having to do their neatness rituals, and get loads of detentions and be suspended all the time. They used to look at my essays and make me do it again, but they wouldn't read the content, just go on about the angle the words slanted at and the spaces between the words. I only did well in my age 16 exams because i put my foot down and was harsh about it. They both went to fundamentalist Bible college where all you had to do was write down the same essay on why Calvinists were right and every other denomination was wrong, and all they had to do was write it neatly and have the right theology and they got top marks. They are both unstable and messed up and used to have rages and hit me with a wooden spoon and push me into the wall so i had bruises on my back. However they were both traumatised by abusive parents and church saved them.

They always used to make a big thing about humiliating me when they hit me and say "stand there and take it like a man" "you need this youll thank us for this one day". And they are really unassertive and can't deal with people at all.

 

Im in my 20s, I have been living with a girlfriend who was just like them, unstable and nuts, traumatised (though she was atheist and communist). I have left her and come back to live with my parents again and they drive me nuts. Theyve calmed down a lot now and are much better than they used to be but still unstable. For example my mum breaks down and cries whenever she interprets someone being rude to her, even if she imagined it. And she walks around cringing and stuttering like shes scared of everone, even though i have only ever seen her being agressive to others.

 

Anyway..they are not bad now, they have got a lot better. But they drive me nuts and annoy me. Because i have so many bad memories of when they were worse, the slightest thing sets me off.

 

Plus...My dad has not really wanted to be Xian anymore for years, but he sticks with it to not have to bother upsetting my mum, but he has no passion or drive for anything at all. And my mum has this split personality, of being a down to earth non Xian and a judgemental Xian. In the first, she talks with a rougher accent like her family, and watches films with swearing, in the second, she sits up straight with a paranoid look on her face all the time, talks in a posh voice and preaches at everyone.

 

Plus my dad was always really perverted and muttered to himself whenver he saw an attractive girl (sometimes teenage), he's always seemed really frustrated and horny for other women and stuck in marriage, yet they still preached their nutty morals to me. its just nuts.

 

So sorry. It's tough living like that. You do know that they are mentally disturbed (to different degrees), right? So I hope you know not to take anything they say seriously.

 

I know that sometimes my grandma (who I think is, lets say "not very smart" manages to almost make me feel guilty. But on the other hand, I do know that she simply doesn't know what she is talking about. And yet, I have to be alert, to keep myself from feeling guilty if she accuses me of of something. It's like I know that she is confused, and yet I have to work on myself to avoid her remarks to have an effect on me.) But if you think of them as "mental patients" maybe it will help. Because in that case you would EXPECT them to say all kinds of nonsense, and so when they do, it would not affect you emotionally.

 

I can relate to what you described about your mom. My cousin just recently has lost her mind and also acts as though she has different personalities at different times. And since she grew up a Christian, in one of her states she is extremely judgmental. (almost like she is an avenging angel and God gave her instructions to condemn everybody)

 

They are confused and mentally not right. So anything they say would be like hearing from a "confused" person. I hope you see it like that and don't let them make you feel guilty about stuff.

[Foxy Methoxy]

Really? Blaming your parents? That's original.