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When Is Your Family More Important?


MWLarry
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It has been a while since I have posted on here, but here goes, again. For some time, I have not spent a whole lot of time with my extended family (mother, father, brother, sister), and have not found myself with much desire to do so. I can’t say that I was ever that close to them, and since the circumstances of my de-conversion and subsequent divorce eighteen years ago, a great distance has opened up between us. I have a close friend who unloaded on me one day a couple years ago, saying that he thought I wasn’t giving them a chance, and it was partially my fault for the distance between us. I told him at the time that he just didn’t understand, having not been from a fundamentalist Christian home, and probably not even knowing any people quite like my family.

 

What do you all think about what my friend had to say?

 

Let me say, in my own defense, that besides being rather uncomfortable amongst the people of my family, I usually get bored within hours (maybe minutes) of entering their presence. If I encounter people in my everyday life who seem to be people like my family, I avoid them like the plague, and I think if my father was not my father, and I had encountered him, even as a young adult in my everyday life, he would not have become my friend.

 

My mother, who was raised Lutheran or Methodist, I think would have been completely different had she not met my father. I would not be, either. : ) My point being, though, I do find not mind lots of Christians, if they are of the more laid-back variety. As long as they don’t feel it is their duty, to convert me to their way of thinking.

 

I do see my friend’s point, when he says that they are my family, and they won’t be around forever. I do love my father, because he is my father, and he did the best he could within his understanding, it just doesn’t make anything easier to try to see things in a different way. So, what do y’all think? Larry

 

 

 

 

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It sounds to me like the issue is your friend and his reaction to your situation. You seem comfortable with your family relationship otherwise. You wrote that the discussion between you and your friend happened a couple of years ago, yet what he said still bothers you. So perhaps you need to think about why this has been lurking in your mind for so long. Why would you let a friend get involved in your private family relationships?

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I have a similar situation but due to different reasons. My parents are very caustic people and I have absolutely no desire to be around them. My wife says, "but they are your family". Like your friend, she has never been with people like these for a prolonged period so can't relate to the expiration of my familial attachment. To me it's a matter of self-preservation. I don't blame them for they way they are and past events but I'm not going to expose myself to any more of it.

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"To me it's a matter of self-preservation. I don't blame them for they way they are and past events but I'm not going to expose myself to any more of it."

 

 

EXACTLY my situation. Imo, it IS a matter of self-preservation. All of the time, energy, and money spent in fundy land with fundy people leads me to conclude I am not going to spend one more nano second of my time nor one more ounce of my energy nor one more penny of my money on anything or anyone fundy. Life is too short and I've already wasted over half of it on everything fundy. Game over.

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My remaining parental unit is fundamentalist, bigoted and small minded. Less than 5% of what she says contains any interest of insight whatsoever.

 

Any contact I have with her is out of duty, and I think that is fine. My Mum is 87 , so i do need to sort out quite a few things for her nowadays.

 

Some family members qualify as both friends and relatives, in which case it is great to spend lots of time with them.

 

The equation = 5% on account of being family, 95% on account of being friends!!

 

Christmas Day and THEIR birthday is all they will get from me if they are a pain to be with.

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Post my moms death, I can tell you blood is no thicker than water. I am the executor of her estate and my brother and sister are like vultures wanting their cut as if I have any say on the speed at which an estate is settled. It is not a huge estate and in your currency about 100k split 3 ways.

 

Prior to this my brother and I were pretty close but since he is in collusion to pressure me, they went to a lawyer, there is a will btw stating it is to be split 3 ways.

 

So from my perspective, my brother can go fuck himself and my sister too. I told my wife that I do not even want them at my funeral if I should pass before they do.

 

I think once siblings leave home and once parents die, there is nothing really left in common, all have made their own paths in life. We were never close to begin with plus my brother is 10 years older than me and my sister 7.

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I have little in common with both my parents. My father shares some commonality with me but unfortunately due to various things we do not get along and I'm fine with that. I wish we could put the petty bullshit behind but I'm tired of being the "better" man and coping shit from him. Now that I don't put up with it there's no relationship or communication between us despite being in the same house. My mother and I are really 2 different people and we barely communicate as well. It's not because I don't like her, it's just we don't have anything to talk about. If I lived out of home I doubt I'd be in regular contact or have regular visits, it'd be too awkward. Now if they were fundies on top of that there'd be 0 chance of me staying in touch. The fact is that sometimes we do not have anything in common with our families and there's nothing we can do about it, so don't feel obligated to do anything about it if that's the situation you're in .

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Post my moms death, I can tell you blood is no thicker than water. I am the executor of her estate and my brother and sister are like vultures wanting their cut as if I have any say on the speed at which an estate is settled. It is not a huge estate and in your currency about 100k split 3 ways.

 

Prior to this my brother and I were pretty close but since he is in collusion to pressure me, they went to a lawyer, there is a will btw stating it is to be split 3 ways.

 

So from my perspective, my brother can go fuck himself and my sister too. I told my wife that I do not even want them at my funeral if I should pass before they do.

 

I think once siblings leave home and once parents die, there is nothing really left in common, all have made their own paths in life. We were never close to begin with plus my brother is 10 years older than me and my sister 7.

 

 

After my paternal grandfather died, my father and his sisters spent more than seven years battling over 40 acres. After it was finally settled, they never spoke to each other again.

 

I'm glad that my father quickly ran through his portion and my parents ended up piss poor, with me supporting them in their old age. Glad, because there was no estate for my brothers and me to fight over.

 

One of my brothers is 21 years older than me. The other is 9 years older. (There was one in between, 16 years older than me, but he died in April.) My brothers and I communicate by phone at least once a day, visit often, and are very close.

 

Of course, they're not fundies.

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I spend just the amount of time that I have to, around some of my family members, so I don't have to feel guilty if they die. Sorry for that answer, but it is the truth. :shrug: I am always respectful of them - but I make my 'get -a -way' as soon as possible!

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Very good! That kinda makes me feel better. My friend HAS since apologized, by the way. And I kind of agree with what's been said here, that it wasn't his business. I'm probably dealing better with this than at least have of you all. : ) And I've definitely grown used to my situation. I'll tell you what really hurts. When you find that you really have little in common with your own children!

In their defense, I really think my family has been better about things than many of your's have. We all know what we can talk about, and that's what we talk about. And I can't really say that I don't get along with them. It's just that I don't particularly want to be around them much either. : )

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