Halloween tips from a fundie

[euphgeek]

From a posting on alt.politics.homosexuality:

 

Halloween Do's and DON'Ts from America's Favorite Grandma!!!

 

Sweet Grandmother Super-Holiness here again with a question for the season: Don't you people have any shame?  Don't you realize that there are untold billions of sinners frying in hell right now?  Do you really want to join them in their torment?  Hell got so big recently they had to open new wings for the throngs of sinners pouring into it on the planet Venus, where every raindrop is full of sulfuric acid and will make your flesh literally sizzle when it hits you!  Hahahahaha!  Wouldn't you rather spend eternity in a sprawling Southern mansion in the Kingdom of Heaven with my family and me, a mansion complete with stately white marble columns and a reflecting pool on the outside, plus plush wall-to-wall carpeting and elaborate crystal chandeliers on the inside?  How can any of you prefer your own fleshly lusts for power, money, and the fleeting pleasures of the all too mortal flesh to the Throne, the Crown, the Scepter, and the angel-woven Red Carpet you'll be awarded in heaven if you'll only repent and stop neglecting your responsibilities as parents, educators, and proper role models for children?  That could easily include burning your TV set.  It's a transmitter of PURE filth!

 

I want to share with you this year's list of Halloween do's and don'ts.  Far too many of you do all the wrong things on this so-called "holiday" and leave your children open to the very real threat of demonic possession in the process.  Not all terror comes from the Middle East -- but I think you all need to remember who warned you about the kind that does come from there first.  I was telling you about the Threat from the Desert long before September 11, 2001.

 

The forces of darkness are waging war against your family at this very moment.  Nothing would please Satan more than to capture your children and corrupt their precious young souls through the agency of such evils as television, computer games, alcohol, drugs, the occult, and that disgusting rock 'n' rap they listen to, not to mention al-Qa'idah's operatives plotting terror and mayhem down at the local mosque.  Have you noticed how many mosques are in rotten neighborhoods right next to filthy bars, whorehouses, or dirty bookstores?  If you want to keep your children out of trouble this year, you'll pay careful attention to the following recommendations from God's best friend and yours -- and the ultimate children's advocate -- Reverend Grandmother Henrietta "Super-Holiness" Hickey.

 

1

DO illuminate your front porch or doorway on Halloween so kids won't think you're a lonely, bitter old recluse who doesn't want children to enjoy themselves at least once or twice a year.  Show today's young people that your light will shine in the darkness of greed, lust, and hate, inspiring children to draw nigh unto God and to share His blessings.  If you have any open pits on your property, make sure they're thoroughly barricaded on Halloween night, lest someone's little monster fall in and embark on his or her journey into eternity far too soon.  Wouldn't that be a shame?

 

2

DON'T hand out any sugar-loaded candy or snacks.  Kids can easily become addicted to such poisons as Hershey Bars, Kit-Kat, and Jujyfruits.  If you must give the little trick-or-treaters something to stuff their fat little faces with, give them wholesome apples, oranges, or raisins instead.  Children who are grossly overweight, a sure sign they're being neglected at home and left alone to raid the cookie jar (and worse, since too many of those so-called "working moms" have marihuana and other drugs stashed somewhere in the bedroom) every afternoon after school, give them one of those diet brochures asking them, "Why Are You So FAT, Kid?" and offering them three or four sensible diets instead of all the junk food with which their lazy, indulgent parents stuff their puffy cheeks morning, noon, and night.

 

3

DO hand out Gospel tracts explaining to children that Halloween is fundamentally a Satanic celebration best avoided by True Christians.  Chick Publications has a wide variety of 40-page pamphlets addressing this issue.  Titles include "Bewitched," "Boo!" "The Poor Little Witch," "The Trick," and "The Little Ghost."  All are available in Spanish, in the event you have lots of those little foreign kids in your neighborhood who refuse to learn proper English or obey our immigration and traffic laws.  Some are also avaialble in Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, and Philistine -- to address the waves of immigrants that wash up on our nation's shores from those largely pagan countries.  Hickey Family Holiness Ministries publishes a few titles on the subject also, among them "The Big Barbecue" and "Satan Lurks in Every Shadow."  Think about inviting children to your church on Sunday.  If you haven't already, work out a program that will hold their interest.  Every church needs at least one active youth group.  It doesn't matter if the children belong to another religion.  If they're celebrating Halloween, especially by dressing up as something provocative or strange, they can't be all that religious anyway no matter what church their parents pack them off to of a Sunday morning while they stay home and nurse their hangovers.  In short, they need all the spiritual help they can get, and it's a True Christian's job to give it to them.

 

 

4

DON'T let your children dress up as vampires, witches, werewolves, extraterrestrials or another supernatural (which is to say demonic) creatures.  Mad scientists and mass murderers are also out, as are all turban-wearing muftis or mullahs from the Islamic fringe.  This year a lot of children are still dressing up as soldiers, National Guardsmen, doctors, and nurses to show their support for those brave men and women who risk their lives every day to rescue that unworthy Third World riff-raff over in the mostly Godless Middle East.  They can also dress up as American heroes like Dred Scott, Martin Luther King, Frederick Douglass, Booker T. Washington, Charles Richard Drew, Phyllis Wheatley, and Harriet Tubman.  No child must be allowed to dress up as a slave, a tramp, a pimp, a Holy Joe, or an Elmer Gantry of any race.  Make sure your neighbors know you fully support Our President's plan to plunder Iraq.  Why not dress up like a soldier who gave his life for our country?  The kids can tell the neighbors who died to save their complacent nation from Arab terror.  Just be careful that it wasn't one of those perverts who took internet porn over to Iraq and got those

people all stirred up sexually.

 

5

DO make sure your children cover up their tender young flesh on Halloween, no matter how warm it is.  Boys should not be allowed to bare their chests or wear skimpy loincloths like Tarzan.  Girls must not be allowed to wear revealing clothes or to dress like popular media "stars" like Britney Spears and Jennifer Aguilera.  The no-bra look is definitely out for any girl over ten.  Even the most upscale neighborhoods are full of child molesters and other deviates who will lust after any half-dressed child if given the opportunity.  Marilyn Monroe, Madonna, and Las Ketchup are not proper role models for today's girls.  They all dress immodestly and tout their sexual attributes openly and shamelessly.  A few years ago I saw a girl dressed as that wicked Jennifer Lopez.  The things she did with that Ben Affleck, a white Jew who ought to know better, are nothing short of abominations in God's sight, and we all know it.  I wouldn't give any of my mixed nuts to any little whore-in-the making.  What I'd like to give her is a slap across the face, but instead I tell her that we don't serve tramps at Hickey House any night of the year.  Girls under the age of ten shouldn't be allowed to wear lipstick and other serious, adult makeup, even on Halloween.  They'll wind up just like that poor JonBenet Ramsey, whose funny name was just the first among her many woes.  have they closed that case yet?  I guess if you're rich enough in this country you can get away with murder -- IF you're white!

 

5

DON'T allow boys to dress up like girls or vice versa.  Cross-dressing is an abomination in the eyes of God and promotes homosexuality.   A lot of stage drag queens got their start when permissive parents allowed them to cross-dress one Halloween.  Remember "Glen or Glenda"?  That's how the devil plants gender confusion in children's minds.  Soon the devil convinces such children that they really are members of the opposite sex and begins to cloud their mind with sinister sexual impulses as well.  Make sure the sex of every child is apparent from the costume he or she is wearing.

 

6

DO consider having a safe and sane Halloween party at your home instead of sending your children out into a dark night full of devil-worshipping flakes and weirdoes.  Homosexuals are especially active on Halloween night.  Most attend Black Masses at which they sign the Gay Agenda in their own blood before proceeding to pounce on innocent children.  Many actually lie down and copulate with the devil or his low priests during these blasphemous occasions to get charged up.  Report any evidence of Satanic worship, which often involves outdoor orgies and child sacrifice, to the police.  The parents could get together too, of course, but should avoid imbibing any of the devil's potions, elixirs, and brews.  They should study the Holy Bible and praise the Lord instead.

 

7

DON'T forget to have a short religious service during this party, at which you give thanks to Almighty God for His many blessings.  It's a good idea to reclaim the entire holiday from the pagans by giving it a religious theme, such as Daniel in the Lion's Den or Esther's Plea on Behalf of Her People.  It's beautiful to see children dressed up as well-known Biblical characters.  Just be sure your little Samsons and Delilahs don't expose too much skin or get carried away while enacting their parts.  Remember that no girl under the age of fourteen should ever be allowed to play Jezebel, for obvious reasons.

 

8

DO give your children Gospel tracts to pass out if they go trick-or-treating.  They should be encouraged to report any and all suspicious activities to you.  If a pervert is seen trying to lure a child into a "haunted house," his activities should be reported to the police.  Witches who entice children to drink their hallucinogenic brews must be exposed as dope pushers and jailed as corrupters of the young, and then hopefully prosecuted and, if you live in a Bible-believing community, stoned to death as a dispenser of death.  Make no mistake about it: the world is full of witches and they ALL worship Satan.  They may dress him up in drag and call him a nature goddess or some such nonsense -- but he is their "lord" nonetheless.  And they do his evil work day and night by spreading Satanic doctrines to anyone who will hear them -- especially impressionable young children.  Witches should be kept away from children, along with the purveyors of all the Black Arts such as tae kwon do masters and bare yogis.

 

9

DON'T forget to inspect every piece of candy that's put in your child's bag.  Satanists hate children and want to poison or injure them.  Discard any candy that shows evidence of tampering.  Get rid of anything that contains more than two grams of white sugar too.  Kids don't need that much stimulation.  Cut any fruits into bite-sized squares.  Satan's witches and warlocks frequently insert pins and razor blades into the most innocuous-looking sweets in order to kill them.  That's the way most of them sacrifice children to their dark master in this evil day and age.

 

10

DO tell improperly dressed children to go back home and put some decent clothes on.  Don't be afraid to chase them away with a paddle or a scourge if necessary.  Explain to them that children who dress up like demons or monsters or two-bit whores are actually inviting evil forces to take possession of their bodies in the devil's name.  Tell them where they can find a good exorcist should they fall prey to the devil's minions.  Little ghouls with plastic fangs and blood-like paint smeared all over their faces should be reminded that in many parts of the pagan world -- including Italy -- people really do eat corpses and drink blood.  Ask them if that's really what they want to do when they grow up.  Tell them that if they give in to the devil, they may lose control of their own minds, bodies, and souls and be turned into mindless, lust-crazed sexual perverts or -- worst of all -- flaming homosexuals.

 

 

11

DON'T watch wicked movies unless you're sure the evildoers get their just deserts in the end.  Movies like "Psycho," which they show around here every Mother's Day, are out because they leave the grinning madman unpunished.  Decent people want to know that the insane are given regular electroshock treatments until they recover.  There are too many crazy people running around out there already.  They should all be rounded up and put back into nuthouses where they can't spread their mental illnesses to others.  Movies like "Cry Terror," where a rapist is stabbed to death with a shard of glass and a kidnapper electrocuted, are much better for young people because they teach a clear moral message: evil doesn't pay.  Children need to hear the death agonies of the evildoers.  That's why it's all right for them to watch the original "Dracula" with Bela Lugosi -- at least as long as you don't get one of those "edited" versions that softens the sounds of his death cries.  Christopher Lee's "Horror of Dracula" is even better.  It shows several vampires being staked right in the heart and the bloodthirsty count himself dissolving into ashes when confronted with the Holy Cross of Jesus -- all in glorious BLOOD COLOR!  Amen!  No ambiguous moral quagmires should be tolerated on the screen.  Children don't need to see a lot of supernatural images in movies either.  Burn copies of "Harry Potter" and "The Blair Witch Project."  They're both of the devil!  One movie that shows how witches really behave is "Horror Hotel."  It's not unlike "Psycho" in its way in that in involves a coven of witches (all of them as insane as Norman Bates) who lure beautiful virgins to a remote hotel where they can sacrifice them to their master the devil.  The saving grace is that all the witches in the picture are burnt to death before the end.

 

 

11

DO call the police if your wicked neighbors insist on partying till dawn.  Remind them that you don't want your neighborhood to be turned into a hotbed of drunkenness, revelry, lust, and vice on the devil's special night, and that as a law-abiding, God-fearing True Christian or Jew you won't stand for infractions of the law in your community.  Blow the whistle on people who smoke, drink, curse, play loud music, gamble, take dope, join weird sex cults, invoke the devil, cast spells over a bubbling cauldron, and generally waste their time in frivolous pursuits.  They're all evil and need to be punished!

 

12

DON'T forget to spank any child who misbehaves on Halloween night.  If your undisciplined little darlings can't control themselves beforehand and eat too much fattening chocolate and chips, lock them in the closet after school to teach them a hard lesson about life and the consequences of bad behavior.  Hearing their protests may weigh heavily on your heart for a while, but when you're the only parent on the block whose twelve-year-old doesn't have tooth decay and juvenile diabetes, you'll thank me for my wise counsel!  I promise you!

 

Remember, children, Jesus loves all of you,

No matter how sinful you are,

And most of you push the envelope every day when it comes to

wickedness!

 

Reverend Grandmother Henrietta "Super-Holiness" Hickey

Gushing Fountain of True Christian Wisdom

[All Gods Fail]

Sounds like she's a fucking typical fundie jackass. Just drain all the fun out of everything.

[Vulgaris Prime]

All I'm gonna say is, "Joke post much?"

[crazy-tiger]

I get the idea that this was satire...

[euphgeek]

Nope. This kook has been posting for years, and is quite serious (or so s/he claims).

[Thurisaz]

I'd say he/she/it is a very determined joker.

[euphgeek]

Hi, Thurisaz

 

It's Lurlean's cult leader. Or the sock puppet that plays her cult leader.

[LadyFeline]

Nope.  This kook has been posting for years, and is quite serious (or so s/he claims).

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

There's a three-headed monkey sitting on the couch next to my computer desk. One head is smoking a cigar, the other is eating a Hersheys bar, and the third head is napping.

 

I'm being quite serious.

[euphgeek]

There's a three-headed monkey sitting on the couch next to my computer desk. One head is smoking a cigar, the other is eating a Hersheys bar, and the third head is napping.

 

I'm being quite serious.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well this fundie is even more serious than that. They (the sockpuppets) will explain to you at length why they are right and that they belong to God's One True Church of Holy Assurance which was founded by Jesus himself. They will tell you that only they understand the "Holy Hebrew" scriptures and only they can interpret them correctly. They will insist that only members of the One True Church are going to heaven, that billions will burn on Judgment Day and how dare you mock the holy people of God, you will surely burn. Etc., etc., ad infinitum.

[Thurisaz]

In other words, the S. O. S. (same old shit).

[Amethyst]

If that isn't satire, that's horrible! Kids are only young once. Might as well let them celebrate. Hopefully it's satire.

 

(My mother made me go to Reformation parties at my fundy Lutheran church when I was a kid. I swear, I will never do that to my kids if I have any.)

[euphgeek]

If that isn't satire, that's horrible!  Kids are only young once.  Might as well let them celebrate.  Hopefully it's satire.

 

(My mother made me go to Reformation parties at my fundy Lutheran church when I was a kid.  I swear, I will never do that to my kids if I have any.)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

This is the same woman who claims that when she caught her daughter snooping around her attic, she bought her a rope for Christmas and then tied her to a chair. She also said to buy a paddle for misbehaving children at Christmas and use it on them (see number 9 at the above link).

[Isak The Newt]

just from the first paragraph i can tell, one shes got a ego size of venus, aka: hell? wtf.

Sweet Grandmother Super-Holiness here again with a question for the season: Don't you people have any shame?  Don't you realize that there are untold billions of sinners frying in hell right now?  Do you really want to join them in their torment?  Hell got so big recently they had to open new wings for the throngs of sinners pouring into it on the planet Venus, where every raindrop is full of sulfuric acid and will make your flesh literally sizzle when it hits you!  Hahahahaha!  Wouldn't you rather spend eternity in a sprawling Southern mansion in the Kingdom of Heaven with my family and me, a mansion complete with stately white marble columns and a reflecting pool on the outside, plus plush wall-to-wall carpeting and elaborate crystal chandeliers on the inside?  How can any of you prefer your own fleshly lusts for power, money, and the fleeting pleasures of the all too mortal flesh to the Throne, the Crown, the Scepter, and the angel-woven Red Carpet you'll be awarded in heaven if you'll only repent and stop neglecting your responsibilities as parents, educators, and proper role models for children?  That could easily include burning your TV set.  It's a transmitter of PURE filth!

+ shes an idiot, we have photographs of venus and there are no people on it, right?

That could easily include burning your TV set. It's a transmitter of PURE filth!"

but that also means burn one's computer, and shes using a computor? (Oh no its for religious purposes) well arent there religious channels? :roll: (*sighs*)

[Antihero]

I love the irony.

 

Wouldn't you rather spend eternity in a sprawling Southern mansion in the Kingdom of Heaven with my family and me, a mansion complete with stately white marble columns and a reflecting pool on the outside, plus plush wall-to-wall carpeting and elaborate crystal chandeliers on the inside? 

 

"Wouldn't your prefer a lust for power...

 

How can any of you prefer your own fleshly lusts for power, money, and the fleeting pleasures of the all too mortal flesh

 

"... than a lust for power?"

 

to the Throne, the Crown, the Scepter, and the angel-woven Red Carpet you'll be awarded in heaven if you'll only repent and stop neglecting your responsibilities as parents, educators, and proper role models for children?

 

"Then stop neglecting our lust for power."

[euphgeek]

Wow, good catch, Antihero