Plan To 'come Out' To Fundamentalist Parents - Any Tips?

[Discern]

Thanks Monk - it certainly sounds like something my own mother would say.

 

It seems christians tend to think that if someone becomes an atheist, then they automatically believe in evolution and the big bang 100%. My belief or disbelief in those concepts is irrelevant, I simply had to reject the bible on its own merit regardless of whatever alternative beliefs there are.

[HistorySkptc]

It seems christians tend to think that if someone becomes an atheist, then they automatically believe in evolution and the big bang 100%. My belief or disbelief in those concepts is irrelevant, I simply had to reject the bible on its own merit regardless of whatever alternative beliefs there are.

 

Bingo. There are many roads to atheism. I've read this thread through, and while I wouldn't disagree with anyone's calm, slow, gentle approach here, I have taken a completely different tack with my parents. For some odd reason 5 years ago my dad asked me if I believed in God, out of the blue. Background: he's a mean asshole who I don't talk to anymore (he was abusive to my mom and his kids). So I just said No, I'm an atheist. Well he blew his stack and almost made us run off the road (I was driving). Then he said some pretty fucked up insults. A year ago he asked me if I believed in evolution, I was like Yeah, I have learned about it and accept it as an explanation. I never really planned on talking to him about my beliefs mainly b/c he's not a good communicator and he doesn't deserve to understand me b/c he's a close-minded bigot who I'm ashamed of.

 

Like someone else said, moms are different. I love my mom completely. But she did even more damage to me than my dad with her nutso fundie evangelical beliefs. I've been subtly telling her I don't believe any of it anymore for years now. But she won't get it. The thing is, telling her about my beliefs is not my main motivator. Christianity, itself, IS HARMFUL. So I want to share MY GOOD NEWS that it's not real with her and my entire family. I think a lot of ex-christians don't really let that sink in. I think a lot of us are still operating on the notion that, "well, it's not real, but if it gives them meaning in their lives, who am I to take that away?" I completely disagree with this sentiment even though I have thought it for the last several years. Conservative Christianity with its reward/punishment morality is totally damaging to people. So I gave my mom the book "Leaving the Fold" by Marlene Winell to read, and told her I wouldn't speak to her until she finished it (I didn't follow through with that 'threat', but I wanted her to understand just how serious I was). Call me an asshole, but I am going to rid my mom of this religious disease. She is an adult; I was an isolated child who was indoctrinated, she can handle it.

[Monk]

It seems christians tend to think that if someone becomes an atheist, then they automatically believe in evolution and the big bang 100%. My belief or disbelief in those concepts is irrelevant, I simply had to reject the bible on its own merit regardless of whatever alternative beliefs there are.

 

Bingo. There are many roads to atheism. I've read this thread through, and while I wouldn't disagree with anyone's calm, slow, gentle approach here, I have taken a completely different tack with my parents. For some odd reason 5 years ago my dad asked me if I believed in God, out of the blue. Background: he's a mean asshole who I don't talk to anymore (he was abusive to my mom and his kids). So I just said No, I'm an atheist. Well he blew his stack and almost made us run off the road (I was driving). Then he said some pretty fucked up insults. A year ago he asked me if I believed in evolution, I was like Yeah, I have learned about it and accept it as an explanation. I never really planned on talking to him about my beliefs mainly b/c he's not a good communicator and he doesn't deserve to understand me b/c he's a close-minded bigot who I'm ashamed of.

 

Like someone else said, moms are different. I love my mom completely. But she did even more damage to me than my dad with her nutso fundie evangelical beliefs. I've been subtly telling her I don't believe any of it anymore for years now. But she won't get it. The thing is, telling her about my beliefs is not my main motivator. Christianity, itself, IS HARMFUL. So I want to share MY GOOD NEWS that it's not real with her and my entire family. I think a lot of ex-christians don't really let that sink in. I think a lot of us are still operating on the notion that, "well, it's not real, but if it gives them meaning in their lives, who am I to take that away?" I completely disagree with this sentiment even though I have thought it for the last several years. Conservative Christianity with its reward/punishment morality is totally damaging to people. So I gave my mom the book "Leaving the Fold" by Marlene Winell to read, and told her I wouldn't speak to her until she finished it (I didn't follow through with that 'threat', but I wanted her to understand just how serious I was). Call me an asshole, but I am going to rid my mom of this religious disease. She is an adult; I was an isolated child who was indoctrinated, she can handle it.

 

I’m actually inclined to agree with you at this point. After some of the hateful, idiotic crap that’s been said to me..BY MY OWN FAMILY…since I said I didn’t believe, I’m about through playing nice. I’m taking a lot because I realize they’re upset, but that train’s about to come to a grinding halt. It’s the emotional manipulation that’s really starting to pi$$ me off royally. I’m reading Dr. Winell’s book. It’s a life changer. Her approach to the topic is exactly what I needed to help me emotionally move on with life after I’d intellectually abandoned christianity.

 

I, for one, appreciate your post here. This is food for thought, and I’m seriously considering adopting your approach.

[Noggy]

Here's the response *I* got when *I* recently came out to my folks. Felt like a good swift kick in the nuts. Note that my mother compares it to me dying. Nice.

 

************

 

I really don't know what to say at this time. as for showing this to dad, not yet. I don't know what could have influenced you to such error and you are smart enough to know it is error...but I will continue to pray that you ask for forgiveness & repent. because whether you want to believe it or not, the big boom did not just happen, we were not evolved from apes, but created by GOD.....you sound as if you are almost defiant in your decision.....and have become an atheist....I just don't think you need to express this to your dad at this time....I appreciate you sharing it with me & love you for it....but it is almost like loosing another son...and I have always prayed that I would not outlive another son. it is just so hard to believe anyone, especially my own, would ever disclaim GOD. I will never stop loving you..but this, I can not even begin to comprehend or understand. again, I thank you for sharing and I am proud that you did,, but you are so so so in error. and I hope you soon come to realize that & have time to make amends. love you, mom

 

Fuck her. I wish we could just flip the lightswitch in everyone's head.

[Discern]

I think a lot of us are still operating on the notion that, "well, it's not real, but if it gives them meaning in their lives, who am I to take that away?" I completely disagree with this sentiment

 

Yes, I've also come to agree with the 'new atheist' position that pretty much all religion is indeed harmful and stunts our progress as a civilisation. I could've made a better impact in this world if I didn't have my head in the clouds for years searching for Gahd's destiny for my life. I certainly didn't have a bad upbringing, but man it's took me years to shed all the indoctrination (even before deconverting) and have a somewhat normal perspective on the world.

That stuff is more harmful when it's taught to you as a kid. You swallow everything told to you, and you have no reason to disbelieve it because you trust your parents. You don't have the world experience or maturity to bring a balance to what you've been taught, so you take it to the extreme. Your entire critical-thinking ability is shot to Gehenna so you remain trapped in the system for years to come.

Due to my own fundamentalist upbringing, I definitely believe indoctrinating kids with religion is child abuse. Kids shouldn't be subjected to that crap before they're able to make up their minds whether it's valid or not.

[Discern]

Well, I did it. I sent an email to my parents first, then met up with them about a month later to talk about it. For those who may be interested in what I wrote to them, I have attached the email.

 

When I went to meet up with them, I took a printout of my notes that I had put together, but left them in the car. I didn't want to walk in with notes as though I was on a mission, but brought them just in case I had to get down and dirty. I never went back out to the car to get my notes, though I did leave with dvds and a big fat Josh Macdowell book that my parents insisted I take ("If you're serious about doing your research, then you better look at the other side as well and not just all the negative stuff!", said my parents).

 

One of the first questions they asked was "Did you ever get saved to begin with?". I laughed. I know some atheists have been hit with that question, but with my pentecostal upbringing, we didn't believe in once-saved-always-saved, so I was quite surprised with that question. I told them yes I was saved, and I spoke in tongues. Thankfully, that's as far as that argument got.

 

Unfortunately, the conversation got sidetracked due to the history of the church I grew up in. A couple years ago the church had a split, and I left for another church while my parents stayed. Long story short, they believe I'm cursed by God because I left their church group and spoke against its false doctrine, so God's not hearing my prayers, therefore I conclude He's not real. Due to this distraction, I was only able to touch on one core problem I had with the bible.

We also ended up spending more time talking about the conversion experience than I wanted. It's a very valid subject for fundamentalists and I wanted to address it, but not without explaining why I rejected the bible first. The conversion experience is very important and reassuring for fundamentalists as it 'proves' to them that God is real. It wasn't until I lost faith in the bible that I actually questioned my own conversion experience. So my futile attempts at explaining my conversion as simply a change in worldview, a product of emotion, and a human desire for easy black and white answers, did not go down well. Especially when I couldn't kick down a few more legs of the inspired word of God.

 

During this discussion, my mother started crying and left for a couple minutes, and basically my dad shut down the conversation soon after. I knew she'd get upset at some point, but I was hoping to get more in before this happened. I could've just had the conversation with my dad, but I wanted them both there so they could both hear it directly from me. I didn't want my dad telling my mum later and skewing what I said.

 

Anyway, it's done. I have just sent another email addressing some of this curse business. Now I have to deal with this Josh McDowell stuff lol

lettermumdad.pdf