whatifidontwantausername? Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Well, I now have a job after school and my licence. Joy. I am engaged. Joy. We are trying to decide on wedding plans... *groan* I say this because while I know I can support her(Feed, house, clothe, adult stuff, emotional support) I do not know what to do about our wedding. The probleme is that we are not sure if we want a wedding at all, or a reception as my future mother-in-law is quick to point out. While Kris(my fiancee) was planning a big wedding her mother was trying to take it over. I don't know if any of you ladies or gentlemen out there have had this happen to you before but it is very distressing for her and I(Mostly because she gets mad at her mother over this, or cries because this is her big day). I tell her to tell her mother to get a life and realize that we aren't christian and are not going to be by the time we are wed. She tells her mom this and nothing gets better. So now to the big question: Should we elope? Hmmm... this is a tuffy. If we go through with the big wedding there is more stress, more angry relatives whom we have not told we are pagan. If we elope we have relatives angry at us for eloping and not having a wedding.... Any idea's? Currently we are thinking about eloping, but I have a bad feeling about it. -Jake Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poonis Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 It is best, right from the beginning, to inform *all* mothers-in-law how *you* and your fiance are going to have your wedding. When confronting them, start with the line, "This is how we are going to have our wedding...". Tell them your other option: if no one is happy with your plans, tell them that if it is not satisfactory, you will elope, as it makes no difference either way; they still won't be happy. Your wedding is for you and your fiance, not anybody else. Just one small piece of advice: Marriage is the first step towards divorce. Choose your mate wisely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatifidontwantausername? Posted November 3, 2005 Author Share Posted November 3, 2005 We have been going out for two years, and have been engaged another half of a year. Trust me, I am sure. Aside from sex she has everything I want in a woman. I guess the big decisions are always the hardest... -Jake Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caretaker Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Ummm What is elope? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueGiant Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Going off and getting hitched anyway, usually in a very small ceremony, such as a justice of the peace, or a Vegas wedding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GiantBear Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 whatifidontwantausername, Congratulations!! I like the advice Poonis gave about just telling them that it is going to happen on your terms. The way my mind works, weddings and official marriages are awesome. So I personally hope you have a wedding. But only if you feel that way too. You have it in you to put together a ceremony that is totally suited to just you two. And you can probably do it cost-effectively and have the time of your life. I imagine that there would be plenty of people at the wedding who didn't have a bug up their ass too. They would really love the ceremony. (Sorry if you have a huge list of bug-in-the-ass people that you would have to invite.) Peace, GB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dianka Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 Don't break your piggy bank trying to pay for your wedding. Financial problems do so much harm. Personally I like the eloping option. I hope to find a fine mate that will allow my ultimate fantasy and marry me at a drive in chapel in sin city. I wish you the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zach Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 My cousin is in a similar situation. He and his fiancee don't want to (and couldn't afford to, anyway) have a standard wedding, but they risk the ill will of both families if they get hitched in some judge's office. So they're going with a compromise- there will be a small, family-centered ceremony, officiated by an ordained minister. Of course, the minister happens to be me. It's really easy to get ordained, and depending on the state, a license may not even be necessary. His wedding will be in Ohio, so I have to register in that state for a license to perform the ceremony ($10 fee and some forms). The nice thing is, the family is placated, my cousin is reassured that someone close to him will be playing the role, and I get to write as much Princess Bride into the ceremony as I want. It's win-freakin'-win. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatifidontwantausername? Posted November 4, 2005 Author Share Posted November 4, 2005 That is very, very ironic Zach... Kris and I happen to also be living in Ohio. Maybe if we get this cleared up you and I can chat face to face. See the probleme is that her parents have volenteered to pay for the wedding, and both of us want at least some family and friends there. The problum is that I would have maybe 10 people on my side there and she would have somewhere around 50. Trust me, this is not by choice. She loathes most of her family and most of her family are fundies. I'm sure that by now you are begining to feel my pain. -Jake P.S. And please call me Jake, is saves so much more room than whatifidontwantausername. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
godlessgrrl Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 Hiya Jake - First off, congratulations on getting engaged! Love is a grand thing. I've had two weddings. This is some stuff I learned. For the first wedding, my parents paid for it. During the planning it became clear that my mom was trying to control everything; at one point she even tried to manipulate me into getting married in the same church that she and my dad got married in. My fiance and I reached a point where we had to sit down with my parents and TELL them how our wedding was going to be. No ask, not bargain, not plead or cajole, but just lay it out for them. We also felt we had to give them the option of not paying for it if they didn't want to. The conversation was something like "Our wedding is going to be X way. Period. We appreciate it greatly if you feel you want to fund any part of it; thank you." That way it gave everyone an out: we could demand our wedding be what we wanted, and my folks had the option of backing out if they didn't want to pay for it. Four years and one divorce later, I had another wedding, this time with the right person! And this time, entirely on our terms. Nobody else paid for our wedding. It was pagan like nobody's business, and very small. We had it on the beach. And it was cheap - whole thing cost probably less than $2000. Here's some thoughts: <advice>If you want a wedding, don't elope. Or, have a small, private ceremony with immediate family members ONLY, and a reception later, when you can afford it - maybe for a first anniversary party. But if you elope when you really want a wedding, you'll likely regret it later. You MUST sit down and TELL your family how your wedding WILL be. Period. If you do not draw a line, clearly stating what you want and what you don't want, your wedding will end up looking like somebody else's wedding, not yours. Give them the option of not paying for it if they don't like what you want to do. But make it clear that your wedding will be yours, no matter what. Here's part two of the above paragraph: before laying it out for everyone else, sit down with your fiancee and figure out exactly how you really do want your wedding to be. If money were no object, and psycho relatives were no problem, how would it be? Who'd be there? What would it look like? What kinds of things would you have in the ceremony - words? vows? poetry? What kinds of props would you have? Where would it be? An exercise like this creates a vision of what you want; and while it's very likely that you won't get everything you'd ideally have, you can at least sift out what's really important to you and what isn't. You can also get an *overall* idea of what you want - and I'll guarantee that you can scale it down as your budget demands. There's always a way. Another thing you might do is, figure out exactly what would happen if you had your wedding the way you wanted. Like, if your fiancee can't stand her psycho fundy family, what would really happen if you guys had a pagan wedding and she didn't invite any of them? Seriously. Think about what's likely to happen. Then figure out - could you handle it? I'm kinda wiped out now so I'm going to cut this short. I'm happy to share some cost-saving measures that the 2nd spouse and I took for our wedding tho'. And how I've dealt with telling the family I'm pagan. Although I do have a couple of other recommendations. Pick up a copy of "How to Have the Wedding you Want (Not the One Everyone Else Wants You to Have)" for some tips on how to maintain control. It's out of print last I checked, so take a look at your friendly local library. Also, watch the movie "Fandango" with Kevin Costner. Pay close attention to how Costner's character puts together a wedding at the end. </advice> And good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spamandham Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 Well Jake, this is going to come as a major revelation to you.... you and Kris are the ones who have to live with whatever decision you make. There are pros and cons to giving in to Kris' mom (particularly if she is willing to plan, execute and pay!). You get to have a memorable occasion for free. Since the ceremony itself is not important to you, what difference does it make what form it takes? (unless a simple Elvis chapel wedding is both of your dreams). You are on good terms with her mom from the git go, lot's of gifts, plenty of free booze, plus you might get her mom and dad to fund the honeymoon as well. The disadvantages are; you are not in control! Get used to it buddy (and buddette), that's what married life is all about. The other potential disadvantage is that Kris' mom may use the wedding expense against you the rest of your marriage/life, or simply assume that she is in charge - Kriss will have to judge these for you most likely. It may just be that her mom has dreamed of this moment since Kriss' birth, or it may be that her mom is a manipulative power freak. If the latter, then run. If the former, no harm no foul. Now for the ultimate in spam based wisdom (drum roll)... don't get married at all! It's a trap. Find a woman (maybe Kris) who is willing to just live together and maybe raise kids together (if you must), with separate bank accounts and formal arrangements for food, housing, kid care etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Panther Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 Awesome advice here on this thread and congrats on your upcoming ceremony!! I agree with everyone....you two need to put yourselves first and do what is best for you guys. You guys are the ones that are entering into marriage...not you guys and everyone else. I understand the need to please the family and such....but you all need to set the standard for your upcoming lives. Let it be known that you will do what is best for yourself first on this one or everything will be a battle with the family down the road. And....like someone said.....it generally isn't wise to spend a fortune on that day...it goes SOOO fast and that money can be used for so many living expenses afterwards. Any type ceremony will be happy for you guys. Keep us posted! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 Can you just do a courthouse wedding for the relatives? Then have the Pagan ceremony? Or vice versa? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Megistias Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 If we elope we have relatives angry at us for eloping and not having a wedding.... Any idea's? Currently we are thinking about eloping, but I have a bad feeling about it. 101243[/snapback] Elope. Go to some romantic getaway and get hitched by a Justice of the Peace or non-denominal holy person. Think mountainous ski resort, Grand Canyon, Niagra Falls, balmy seaside bungalow as a location. Elope and honeymoon for a few days. Then have a lovely, everyone welcome, wedding reception with all the expected goodies - like sweet and sour, BBQ, or Sweedish meatballs. And a husband and wife toast with Mead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Megistias Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 If we elope we have relatives angry at us for eloping and not having a wedding.... Any idea's? Currently we are thinking about eloping, but I have a bad feeling about it. 101243[/snapback] Elope. Go to some romantic getaway and get hitched by a Justice of the Peace or non-denominal holy person. Think mountainous ski resort, Grand Canyon, Niagra Falls, balmy seaside bungalow as a location. Elope and honeymoon for a few days. Then have a lovely, everyone welcome, wedding reception with all the expected goodies - like sweet and sour, BBQ, or Swedish meatballs. And a husband and wife toast with Mead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godless Dave Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 That is very, very ironic Zach... Kris and I happen to also be living in Ohio. Maybe if we get this cleared up you and I can chat face to face. See the probleme is that her parents have volenteered to pay for the wedding, and both of us want at least some family and friends there. The problum is that I would have maybe 10 people on my side there and she would have somewhere around 50. Trust me, this is not by choice. She loathes most of her family and most of her family are fundies. 101372[/snapback] Refuse their money. Insist on paying for the whole thing yourselves, and plan it exactly as you want. Whenever FMIL (Future Mother-in-Law) butts in (and she will), remind her that she is not paying for any of it and thus gets no say in any of it. The bride and groom should each get to choose roughly half the invitees. That her mother thinks her side should get to invite more right away tells you she doesn't respect you. There are retired judges and justices of the peace who will officiate weddings for a fee. You could also find a pagan officiant who is licensed to conduct weddings in your state. Let the fundies complain. It's your wedding and you're paying for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godless Dave Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 There are pros and cons to giving in to Kris' mom (particularly if she is willing to plan, execute and pay!). You get to have a memorable occasion for free. Since the ceremony itself is not important to you, what difference does it make what form it takes? (unless a simple Elvis chapel wedding is both of your dreams). You are on good terms with her mom from the git go, lot's of gifts, plenty of free booze, plus you might get her mom and dad to fund the honeymoon as well.101436[/snapback] With respect to spamandham, don't do this. First of all, you won't have YOUR wedding, you'll have Kris's Mom's wedding. More importantly, if you let her mom run the wedding she will try to run the marriage too. You cannot give her this control now and hope to have a healthy marriage in the future. As long as I'm giving advice... How old are you two? If you are younger than 25 than you are not ready to get married. You both have jobs and live independently, right? If either of you is still living with a parent, you are not ready to get married. Finally, if Kris is not willing to stand up to her mom, she is not ready to get married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spamandham Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 More importantly, if you let her mom run the wedding she will try to run the marriage too. That's not necessarily true. It depends on whether her mom is generally a control freak or not. Mothers start planning their daughters weddings 3 months before birth. This could just be the culmination of her mothers life long dream, and not a precedent for endless mingling. Discernment is needed in this case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StandingRoomOnly Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Me and my husband (married 5 months now) are both ex-Christians. My family is very fundamentalist Christian. My advise...don't elope. You will most likely feel the need to elope a handful of times during your engagement (we did) because of all the stress that comes with planning a wedding. It is a rollercoaster of stress! Expect the stress--it is normal. Family members will give you grief over what you decide to do--that is their job. Expect it. But in the end, we had a wonderful wedding with all our family and friends present--even with some family members on my husband's side who notoriously hate each other. My husband and I paid for most of our wedding ourselves, but both his family and my family made contributions. We specified exactly what they would be contributing to. His family--the photographer; my family--half of the catering bill, my dress, and some of the decorations. If you can, try to pay for most of the wedding yourselves...but do except money if offered... Let her family know you are accepting it as a gift (not giving them free reign to plan the wedding themselves). If it is not a "gift" don't accept it. Also..don't go into debt over your wedding. Your fiance will have to to be firm with her mom in a respectful way. Including her mom in the planning would be helpful too. You and your fiance should be the ones in charge of all the decisions...not her parents. Bending on some things for your wedding may not hurt either. For instance...we didn't have alcohol at our wedding because we knew it would offend a lot of people there. There's just some things we knew we could do without. It's a very stressful time. Realize this is completely NORMAL. Much luck with the wedding planning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatifidontwantausername? Posted November 9, 2005 Author Share Posted November 9, 2005 Sorry that it has been so long since I have replied. Kris and I both still live with our parents, she is 17 and I am 18. I have a full time job after school and don't realy expect to go to college.I have been saving money to buy a trailer for us to live in for the past year and have so far saved 3,000ish. Then with what is already in my savings acount from child support I have around 12000. I have been working since I was twelve so I do not think that work ethic is something my employers need to worry about. But you never know. I can cook, clean, pay bills, do laundry, pretty much all of the household chores. I know I can do them because my gaurdians cannot and I have to most of the time. Kris and I have talked about it, and we do not want her parents to pay if that means we have to do it their way. Thank you all so much for your advice! Sorry I cant add more right now. -Jake Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Megistias Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 I have a full time job after school and don't realy expect to go to college. Do carefully consider this. The kinds of jobs and the potential earnings that a college education might make available to you are often well worth the investment in time and money. In case it's in your plans, babies are very expensive. Best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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