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I'm Not Ok With Myself


Falloutdude
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Rant about my frustration with myself

I'm just so angry with myself, i'm tired of my incompetence.

I'm just so stupid and I wish I could just fix myself. I don't like myself right now, honestly i'm pretty angry with myself and my brain for not being able to just feel ok. I'm angry that I think about jesus and i'm angry that i think about whether or not i really believe or don't believe.

I'm angry, and i don't know why, i just want my mind to WORK. I don't want to worry i'll believe in jesus. or wonder if i do because i don't "feel" like i don't right now.

 

For the longest time i've had a lingering resentment of myself, sometimes i even feel like i get a rush from being hard on myself. From hating myself. It sounds pretty sick i know.... I don't understand it, other times i'm completely fine. However it's times like this, where my mind is in limbo and i don't know what to do, that i just want to get frustrated

I hate that i'm so fucked up and that i do that I think about things i don't want to. I just have this seething hatred for myself right now....i'm just really impatient with myself i guess....I just want to be better, but i'm not getting better

People tell me all the time i should go easy on myself, be patient with myself, but i'm a perfectionist. I can be patient with other people, love other people. However the idea that i have to be loving, patient, and accepting of myself almost annoys and repulses me...I know that sounds horrible, but i just am not good at loving myself.

It's funny....i can't wait days on a bus and not get the least bit impatient, but when it comes to my own brain/self i just can't tolerate sub-par.

I look at where i've been, where i was, and i just am so angry at myself for not being like that. Not being that coherent or smart or functional again, and it just makes me mad. i want to be that fluid all the time, i want to be able to think my way out and not have to constantly battle to not worry about jesus or christianity or whether or not i believe. I know that's not possible all the time, but lately it seems like it's never happening. I just want to be as smart as i was. I want to be ok.

If i don't have that then i don't have anything. There's nothing else about me that's even remotely good. I'm not good looking, i'm not charismatic, i have no athletic ability, and i just don't like myself in general. That's my only source of self-esteem.

ok....i'm done ranting

Why do i hate myself so much?? Why am i so mean to myself?

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I know the feeling. I put a response in your other rant explaining where I'm at now, but I started off very much like you. I had no patience, I had to fight to keep from hurting myself. I used to burn myself with a hot knife to make the make the physical pain worse than the mental pain. I never felt like I was good enough, but I finally found happiness by getting out of old habits. I started trying new things. Getting away from what I had thought was my life and getting into things like cooking, cycling, boating, golfing got me out and I met new people. It does take a while but trust me it works. I look back on where I was and wonder how I made it through. But I did and I know you can too. You need to realize you are the one looking out of your eyes. This is your life, enjoy the ride and surround yourself with what makes you happy. If stuffed, poka-dotted unicorns makes you happy, then go on an adventure and find all you can. Who cares what others think, but I gaurantee you, once you are making yourself happy you will notice a change in the people around you will have even more doors opening up.

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Oh yeah, and for some reason I like nut crackers, I have over 200 of them and they sit on shelfs all around my cpu desk. At first people say thats kind of odd, being a 40year old 225lb-6'1" man who likes wooden dolls, but then I say "yep, love them nut-crackers, married and divorced two, now I'm on my third."

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God i was emotional when i wrote this.... Well it's not like it's not true sometimes....

 

ireckinso

 

Yeah i mean....i don't know, it's just that....I don't know what to do and i'm trying to make myself feel better/relax, it's not working though and i'm just tired of it. I have found things i like, but i can't really enjoy any of it because i keep fixating on this or that. So i can't really enjoy anything or think about anything else, but christianity

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Well all I can say is don't. :) It's hard to explain the process it took me but it started with believing in myself first. Christianity was developed to confuse and control people. It was created over time and deals with many levels of self-hatred to obtain results. That is why it is so hard to get over. I read a study that people with religion are happier in low income and poverty cultures because it gives them something to feel a part of. However religeous people in higher incomes and better living situations are not near as happy as athiests in the same situation. I know I get a little depressed when I'm short on money because I can't go do the things I want to. I really don't see how religion would help me feel better than when people give you false hope that God will make everything work out. Thats kind of like lying to a child when the family dog dies and you tell them they are in heaven with Grandma now. Might make them feel better but its an out and out lie, even for christians because only humans have souls. I guess you really need to find a way to get your mind off of it. My avatar is a picture of a tree I carved in my back yard near my tiki hut, named King Wannhuakalugi, I tell people hes my god cause hes always there and ready to have a beer with me..:) I guess what I'm saying is you can't take it seriously and enjoy the ride (life). I you are on a vacation and have to be at a certain time, and there at a certain time, and eating between this time and that at certain places, there is no fun. Always living by a schedule, or in fear gives you no chance to enjoy all of the little things you might miss along the way. Sorry if I am just rambling, I'm trying to make sense, but I feel like I'm not helping. Hang in there, I'll try to work on my rambling...lol.

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I have found a fair bit of relief from playing Second Life. I meet people from all over the world and have fun. You should come in and dance with me :) Keeps my mind off my obsessions.

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I have found a fair bit of relief from playing Second Life. I meet people from all over the world and have fun. You should come in and dance with me :) Keeps my mind off my obsessions.

 

I had one of the best times in my life tonight, went to the casino for the first time. Lost 50, won 95!!! (25 net gain, woulda had more but my friends were rushin' to go). the only thing is my fears were just waiting for me when i got back home, you know?

 

PS i've tried doing that a long time ago but i don't think my PC/internet can run it that well. Idk yet though

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That sounds terrible! I actually know some of how you feel because I've had the same kinds of feelings in the past that were in an intense way, and I still have

problems with confusion and depression.

 

I started studying newage things and learned about "centering" yourself. Its a type of selfcontrol where you sit up and breathe into your abs til you feel a little pain.

I use this to erase the thoughts of anger or other emotions that are lower. It makes me feel like I am in control. and I think clearer, logical, or I feel just in general at peace.

Then I started thinking that maybe the bible refers this as humbling yourself before God as part of praying.

 

What really matters is not whether you believe in Jesus as whether he is real or not but that you know you are a good person when you really are a good enough person.

I think that maybe Jesus came to tell us to know this about ourselves but the church tends to have us thinkig we are all bad when that is not true, or are all good when we are saved and that is not true either. Those are bad churches, not all are like that I think but that is besides the point. Most of us are good enough people. We may have some emotional stresses showing, but

honestly we can't fault ourselves harshly when there is no reason to do that. I think we are trying to erase the emotion with anger or depression when it makes it worse.

I seek to erase the feeling, I think that is repentance enough for me. I feel pain in centering and that's my punishment. Its not bad pain but its enough.

 

The black and white thinking gets to many people. The truth is that neither is true. The harsh thinking is not true and that we are perfect or can be is not true either. I think

that we can be perfect in a good motive though, and still make mistakes. Its not our outer accomplishments God looks at perhaps as our intention and effort.But if your

effort is not strong either, it is usually a physical thing where you are run down and not to fault yourself either harshly. Some blood tests run can't hurt, but I know I feel

good with a better diet than doctors say and exercising that doctors don't prescribe. I try to avoid bad foods, like candy and the like for the most part.

 

You just try to center yourself and while defend yourself within yourself and say "I am not getting trapped into black/white thinking or outer accomplishments as a scale of

how good a person I am. I know that the

truth of who my nature is as a common kind of good person and my intentions if not my effort with it is enough. I strive to be perfect in a good heart in the way I start things with a good attitude and

when I speak to people."

 

If I start trying to judge myself on my outer accomplishments I will always fail for someone is always better, but when I can say I did things with a good intention, a good attitude, self control I can be proud of my self in a nonprideful way. I see other people as better at accomplishments where they try to make me feel bad but they are the ones that should feel bad. I can tell by that attitude that they don't care about others. They are lower in integrity to behave like that. These people are in the churches too and they like being in the inner circle and positions of leadership but they don't reflect the truth of other people how much they like to judge. We can see through that. I feel just fine knowing I am doing my best inwardly.

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Trying to leave christianity is something not everyone can do or has even tried. I think you deserve credit for trying to put your life in order when others have not even tried. It took me several years for the anxiety levels to diminish because I had been really wrapped up in being such fundamentalist, just stopping was an almost instant mental breakdown! It's not easy leaving christianity because you have to learn how to think again, using skills not used since baptism. I don't know everything about astronomy but it actually helped to learn about how the cosmos is made through natural laws and evolutionary processes that create stars and planets. Through astronomy, I finally got to where I understood Charles Dawin's Origin of Species, something I couldn't understand while being badgered about it as a fundy!

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Trying to leave christianity is something not everyone can do or has even tried. I think you deserve credit for trying to put your life in order when others have not even tried. It took me several years for the anxiety levels to diminish because I had been really wrapped up in being such fundamentalist, just stopping was an almost instant mental breakdown! It's not easy leaving christianity because you have to learn how to think again, using skills not used since baptism. I don't know everything about astronomy but it actually helped to learn about how the cosmos is made through natural laws and evolutionary processes that create stars and planets. Through astronomy, I finally got to where I understood Charles Dawin's Origin of Species, something I couldn't understand while being badgered about it as a fundy!

 

So you're saying you don't think i'll ever really get over it? Well i hope that's not me cuz i'll never accept it. I've vowed to kill myself if i ever went back groveling to that religion or any form of it. I am so bitter, and i hate it so much

 

As far as evolution, i understand all that stuff, the processes by which it functions. Possibilities of abiogenesis. In fact it's one of the reasons i left. At one time before my breakdown, courtesy of my fucking aunt, i was so fascinated with evolution and biology that i was even thinking of BECOMING an evolutionary biologist.

 

I haven't really looked into the big bang or other such things, i get the jist of it, however astronomy never interested me much.

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That sounds terrible! I actually know some of how you feel because I've had the same kinds of feelings in the past that were in an intense way, and I still have

problems with confusion and depression.

 

I started studying newage things and learned about "centering" yourself. Its a type of selfcontrol where you sit up and breathe into your abs til you feel a little pain.

I use this to erase the thoughts of anger or other emotions that are lower. It makes me feel like I am in control. and I think clearer, logical, or I feel just in general at peace.

Then I started thinking that maybe the bible refers this as humbling yourself before God as part of praying.

 

What really matters is not whether you believe in Jesus as whether he is real or not but that you know you are a good person when you really are a good enough person.

I think that maybe Jesus came to tell us to know this about ourselves but the church tends to have us thinkig we are all bad when that is not true, or are all good when we are saved and that is not true either. Those are bad churches, not all are like that I think but that is besides the point. Most of us are good enough people. We may have some emotional stresses showing, but

honestly we can't fault ourselves harshly when there is no reason to do that. I think we are trying to erase the emotion with anger or depression when it makes it worse.

I seek to erase the feeling, I think that is repentance enough for me. I feel pain in centering and that's my punishment. Its not bad pain but its enough.

 

The black and white thinking gets to many people. The truth is that neither is true. The harsh thinking is not true and that we are perfect or can be is not true either. I think

that we can be perfect in a good motive though, and still make mistakes. Its not our outer accomplishments God looks at perhaps as our intention and effort.But if your

effort is not strong either, it is usually a physical thing where you are run down and not to fault yourself either harshly. Some blood tests run can't hurt, but I know I feel

good with a better diet than doctors say and exercising that doctors don't prescribe. I try to avoid bad foods, like candy and the like for the most part.

 

You just try to center yourself and while defend yourself within yourself and say "I am not getting trapped into black/white thinking or outer accomplishments as a scale of

how good a person I am. I know that the

truth of who my nature is as a common kind of good person and my intentions if not my effort with it is enough. I strive to be perfect in a good heart in the way I start things with a good attitude and

when I speak to people."

 

If I start trying to judge myself on my outer accomplishments I will always fail for someone is always better, but when I can say I did things with a good intention, a good attitude, self control I can be proud of my self in a nonprideful way. I see other people as better at accomplishments where they try to make me feel bad but they are the ones that should feel bad. I can tell by that attitude that they don't care about others. They are lower in integrity to behave like that. These people are in the churches too and they like being in the inner circle and positions of leadership but they don't reflect the truth of other people how much they like to judge. We can see through that. I feel just fine knowing I am doing my best inwardly.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful response

 

 

I don't know, honestly i don't like any idea or theology that tells you to be more than you are or want to be. If you're not hurting anyone else, it shouldn't matter. That's just what i think though...I don't think that's what you were saying, i probably misinterpreted, I kind of got the idea you were saying you should strive for perfection, but without chastising yourself for failure?

 

In my opinion people should be able to feel angry and depressed and not feel like you should fix yourself because you're not perfect. I think perfect people are boring and because of their perfection, not truly human, nor as beautiful as a result.

 

 

Being humble....yeah i mean, i still somewhat think that. However at the same time i think you should be able to be prideful. Not necessarily think you're better than everyone or brag all the time, but just feel like you're a good person, you've accomplished a lot. Giving yourself credit. I do think you should be able to feel good about yourself, even have an ego, just as long as you don't forfeit compassion and empathy. Then again it's your life, you'll probably not have many friends if you're an ass, but i believe it should be your freedom to do that. (of course given the choice i doubt many people will do that intentionally)

 

Although i don't think anyone deserves punishment for just doing things they're not proud of. You learn, you apologize, you move on. In my opinion of course. I spent my whole life feeling sorry for every little thing i did, apologizing all the time (still do a lot) however i realize i shouldn't have to do that. No one should have to do that. You can be you, if other people are offended, that's their choice. I'm not saying be an asshole, but at the same time what business is it of you to judge me for living my life in a way you don't like? I'm not doing anything to you. At least that's sort of the mentality i idealize.

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