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No Longer Special?


honeybee
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Sometimes I miss it.

 

Being one of the incredibly involved church youth, I was "inspiring." There was something special about me because rather than join my peers in the corner, talking about the old people around me, I wanted to get up front and preach about Jesus so everyone would hear. I was so passionate.

 

I find passion in other things. I will get very involved in what's important to me - currently my local LGBTQ community and maybe Unitarian Universalists... But I think what I miss the most is feeling like I was special. It all comes back to pride really, but I relished being that inspiring young leader. I gave credit to God of course and thanked him for making me a "five talent person." It was like I was custom made for being a church leader. I could preach, I could sing, I could put together Bible studies and present them, I had a way of explaining complicated scripture in a way that even little kids could understand, I was wonderfully personable and epitomized the "love of Jesus" with everyone I interacted with.... it was so natural to me.

 

It's been awhile since I've been that involved. When I returned to god after my first break from christianity, I was still involved but not quite as inspiring to the conservative Adventists because of my liberal tendencies. But I still had the more open minded Adventists to feel a part of. I even started to plan on going to the Adventist's "liberal" university La Sierra to become a youth pastor. Eventually I couldn't convince myself to be a part of it anymore.

 

In many ways, it's a relief. I love embracing myself in my entirety and being open to myself, others, and life. But I don't feel "special" anymore.

 

How do you all find that feeling of being special? Without riding the short bus. Also, other ex christians who were heavily involved, what did you fill your life with after you left?

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Oh Honeybee and I thought I was the queen of wanting to feel special!! :woohoo:

 

I can totally relate to you. I am and was very charismatic in the church - sang in a cool, blues band, taught scripture and books of the bible at womans breakfast meetings, etc....... I was very popular and yes, I still miss some of it. I always pretended to give the 'glory to the lord' but I always LOVED all the attention I got, because I so needed that 'special' attention to feel special! I have a little saying now - ''give to yourself what you want from other people''. If I don't get flowers - I go buy myself some. I sing and dance in my kitchen now!! I am trying so hard to let go of that horrible need to feel good enough within myself. . I have fought this for a long, long time.

 

The need to feel special comes from within. I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore. (although I still try every now and again) It's hard to get comfortable with yourself and not want attention. That's a human trait. You just tell us when you don't feel special and we'll do our best to make you feel good! I adore the friends I have on this site - they make me feel special!! It will come with time hon. Put your talents to good use somewhere else......... and don't forget to 'take the glory for yourself''!!:grin:

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To honeybee, From Margee! :grin:

 

you_are_special.gif

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Honeybee, listen to Margee. Nobody is more special than she.

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In many ways, it's a relief. I love embracing myself in my entirety and being open to myself, others, and life. But I don't feel "special" anymore.

You might consider what "special" means, precisely, to you. For example, perhaps at its core, it means, being a valued, validated member of a group. This is particularly important to the young, who are trying to figure out where they fit into society and the world and life. It sounds like you are discovering more about who you are, finding your own center, and then you will increasingly not need to be validated by a group or persons(s) outside of yourself. The church often ropes in young people at this vulnerable point in their lives, and I think your best defense is to find the "warm fuzzies" that the hive mind gave you, in healthier and more self sufficient places. Disclaimer: I seriously doubt that anything you plug into within yourself will ever be as womb-like and seemingly easy as groupthink. But it will be overall more sustainable / reliable.

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I have issues that I didn't have to deal with when I was a Christian. Being a Christian made me feel good about myself, so I didn't have to face reality. Being a great Christian meant I found an easy way to gain self-esteem without having to do any real work on myself. It's much like a drug. It helps you run away from your core issues.

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Yes, I miss being "special"....the pastor's wife, the woman preacher, the song leader, God's chosen....

 

But leaving has definitely been worth it anyway. When I feel I miss my old role(s), I pick up a new one; student, writer, business owner.

 

Life is getting better and better but the first few years were REALLY rough.....especially when I was cleaning toilets as a hotel housekeeper, I felt like Barbara Ehrenreich in Nickel and Dimed.

 

But I now always remember to leave a tip in a hotel.

 

Leaving was very humbling. I didn't even know I needed to be humbled......but now I am thankful for the experience at least to the extent that I think I am a better person.

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There are many ways to be special, and some of them actually do some good. Find the one that is right for you.

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You are part of a complex and beautiful universe, a universe that is so much more amazing than the petty and fake made-up fantasy world that Christians claim as reality. You are alive, obviously of sound mind, and have the opportunity to make the world a little better. You are special!

 

 

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[Chorus]
The beauty of a living thing is not the atoms that go into it
But the way those atoms are put together
The cosmos is also within us
We're made of star stuff
We are a way for the cosmos to know itself




********


To be special you need constant reinforcement that you are special.


Unique is what you are.


All the atoms in you are the same as the atoms in me or anyone else. Yet, the arrangement of those quantum particles and atoms is uniquely yours. In all the universe, you are the only arrangement of atoms and particles that is you.



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I'm with you. It's been 11 years and I still miss that feeling of being a shining light in a world full of darkness. That nah-nanny-boo-boo feeling of I have it right and all you other losers are going to hell. Being praised by other christians in my church for my pioty. Have those conversations with other born agains where we praised each other on how "right" we were. Shoot... I miss being "right." :lmao:

 

Since then I've struggled. I'm not special or unique. But damn it, I'm still alive and I have every right to live my life as well as the next guy. I do my best (while failing often) to live my life as if every day is my last. Like chosendarkness said, being "special" is "much like a drug." And just like after you discover after detoxing from any mind-altering substance, you realize that the world really is so much more beautiful and enjoyable without it.

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I know what you mean. Several times, some preacher or another 'prophesied' over me, telling me and everyone else I was going to do some special shit for the Lord. I was always being told about what 'gifts' I had. And now... here I am in the real world.

 

But I'm still special like that. Y'all just don't know it yet. :wicked:

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Being a Christian made me feel good about myself, so I didn't have to face reality. Being a great Christian meant I found an easy way to gain self-esteem without having to do any real work on myself. It's much like a drug. It helps you run away from your core issues.

 

Yes. Exactly.

 

Being special in Christianity was what made me feel important. I had a calling direct from God Himself. I do love performing, but being an introvert there were times I didn't feel like being outgoing - but I did it because that was what my meaning of existence was. I was set apart, part of a unique people going against the norm and being closer to God because of it. I was even part of the remnant. I was going to be one of the young people that brought the 2nd coming of Jesus, I was going to see the end of the world and save others from being lost. I was a hero for Jesus.

 

Now I'm just me. I'm still learning to consider that enough. I've been trained to become more than myself - more like Jesus. And others' praise and admiration boosted my ego and distracted me from never feeling like I was enough. I think that the church's support and pride in the strong christian youth they created me to be was easy for me because it provided me with a mold to follow. I didn't have to worry about creating myself because I already knew what I was supposed to be like. I blended in by standing out.

 

I have contradicting feelings about it all...

 

Perhaps I'm just learning to re-define what being special means. :)

 

 

 

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I know what you mean. Several times, some preacher or another 'prophesied' over me, telling me and everyone else I was going to do some special shit for the Lord. I was always being told about what 'gifts' I had. And now... here I am in the real world.

 

by vomitcomet

 

 

yeah I know that one.utter bs eh?that lead me down a blind alley for years.

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Here you go:

 

"Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. "

 

First thing that came to mind. haha

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