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Trying To Shove A Square Peg In A Round Hole


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I got saved! Oh, what a feeling to accept Jesus as my personal savior! I was going to heaven! Oh, those poor souls who didn't have what I had were condemned to an eternity of Hell. My poor son and husband were going to Hell because they didn't believe or want to get saved like me. The younger kids still had hope so I ran out and began teaching them Bible stories and praying every night for healing.

Only thing is, healing never came. My best friend, who grew up Christian with me, told me it because I didn't have enough faith in God so my child was being punished. I searched and did therapies to heal her but the food allergies and rashes continued. My friend told me to take her to Benny Hinn for healing! Have her prayed over in church! Put her in God's hands. We were all sick with something. The entire family was sick. A preachers wife prayed for the devil to take his hands off my family and we pleaded the blood of jesus over the house. I was reading the Bible but it made me feel worse reading how God punished so many people. I shrugged it off because I didn't want to go to hell! I wanted to get better. I kept changing diets, tested for food allergies, removed toxins from the home but nobody got better. After all, sickness and disease is of the devil! I wasn't praying hard enough. I wasn't just stepping back and putting it in God's hands. I was interfering instead of asking for healing by doing my own things to try to heal my family and daughter.

We began to suspect our home was making us sick. We had it tested and it was full of toxic mold under the floors and in the walls from a busted pipe. God led me to it and told me to get my family out of there. We were bankrupt and financially devastated. It happened because I lacked faith and God was punishing my family. I even forced my husband to go to church and get saved. He lied and said he was saved and went along with it. He also began trying to cheat on me. I needed to pray harder and tithe. Only then would things get better.

I watched Joyce Meyer and bought her books. I was angry and no matter what I did, I couldn't live up to what God wanted. I wasn't understanding the Bible and began questioning it. I began questioning televangelists. I sent my best friend an email questioning her new church and what she was telling me and she said it was from the devil leading me astray. I didn't understand why God was so mean and angry in the Bible. I didn't understand why my husband and son were going to Hell if they were good people (except the cheating but that's another story in itself since my "religion" made him miserable) I didn't understand why my child was being punished because of my lack of faith. I began thinking maybe God wasn't very nice but I didn't want to go to hell so I prayed more. The more I prayed, the angrier I got!

We found toxic mold again after the hurricanes in our new home. We were losing everything again. I was in fear God would take my kids from me next if I didn't get a hold of my faith and get in to church. Only, church didn't feel right to me. I tried. I read the book of Job and figured God was doing this to test my faith. I told my husband about Job and how God took everything from him on a wager with the devil. He looked at me very strange. A light bulb went off but i ignored it. We had to move and quickly. I decided to move out west by my best friend and friend in Christ. Granted, she had her own issues with staying with a cheating husband who abuses her because God was telling her to. She said "God hates divorce and he's sanctified thought me!" Okay. I did ask if maybe it was the devil deceiving her but then Bible scripture got thrown at me.

Granted I've had a very hard life and been through a lot. I've been hurt very much by Christians until I became one and saw the light. I never thought my best friend would give me an ultimatum. Go to church with her after I moved across the country or she could no longer be my friend. I told her she was nuts. I told her she wasn't in her right mind anymore due to the mold in her bathroom and if she was truly going by the Bible and ALL of God's word, she would take care of it. All I got was being she'd pray for me. She accused me of being jealous. I began thinking she was crazy. I couldn't understand if God says not to judge why he would then say it's okay for Christians to judge other Christians. I didn't understand why a loving God would tell somebody to stay with an abusive man or not to be friends with me. I just lost everything I had again and then my best friend of over 30 years because of this God who makes no sense in the Bible I've been reading.

I started studying the Bible and realizing just how evil God is and how I can't worship a God like that. I still held on to Jesus until I researched the trinity and realized he is still God. Not to mention the inaccuracies and stolen stories from other cultures that make up the Bible. As I began letting go of this way of thinking, these words echoed in my head...

 

It's the devil leading you astray

 

It's the end times and God predicted this would happen and people would turn away form God

 

Something bad is going to happen to your family now

 

You're going to go to Hell!

 

I realized then, I've been brainwashed and controlled by FEAR!!! The more of the Bible I read, the more I was seeing just how evil the God is in it and how religion is nothing but control!

I don't have to live my life in fear to be a good person! I AM a good person! My child is sick from something that happens to so many other families. It ALL began making sense. For the first time in my life, my family is calm. I am calm. My marriage is better and my husband and I are closer. I am closer and calmer and no longer angry.

I realized all my conflict, anger and identity issues were from trying to shove a square peg in a round hole.

 

Thanks for listening. Sorry if it doesn't make sense or I forgot something but I have little kids and have to type fast. I wanted to do an intro and find some others who have been there. I am still hearing some words echoing in the back of my mind but logic tells me it's from all the brainwashing for almost 40 years of my life!

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I also want to add, the previous story begins the second time I got saved (3 years ago) since the first time wasn't a real salvation or I would not have back slid *rolling eyes*. I was raised my entire life Baptist and got saved the first time at age 15 years old. I dealt with a crazy religious family who drove me away from the desire to go to church but I always held on to Jesus and his teachings, it wasn't real salvation if I was led away....

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Samsong! Welcome to the calm community of EX-c where everything in life makes more sense without the christian god! Look over your whole story - remove the cranky old god and his devil friend satan, and life just begins to look normal. Kids get sick, mold makes you sick, etc........... It's so simple - it's just life. You're ok hon - no one is punishing you or leading you astray except your brainwahed mind, which has been placed upon you by people who want you under their control.

 

Keep reading all the posts. We are here for you - we promise. Your going to be OK - go get a good night's sleep, fix the mold, keep some good medication around for the kids and relax your tired mind. Tell your best friend you love her but don't believe all the crap anymore. If she drives you crazy - go get a new best friend!

 

Best wishes on your new journey!!

 

Sincerely, Margee

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Thank you so much. We moved. We are recovering from the mold and that loss. It's life and I realize life happens. I'm no longer friends with her and glad to be free of a lifetime of control and agony :)

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I'm so glad I found this site. I'm reading about RTS and watching youtube videos. It's nice to know this transition is completely normal and others have gone through the same thing :) Although I found myself almost praying for god to help me through this but realizing he's not real lol it's going to take some time but all in all, I'm happier living in the moment and feel free-er than ever!

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Welcome to the site. I'm glad your life is improving. I can relate to the square peg/round hole feeling, as well as the praying for healing....without effect. It is so discouraging to be told by fellow Christians that you are the problem, even though you have done everything right and suffering greatly. You're right--it is judgmental, and hurtful.

 

Take care and stay in touch!

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