Coconutz Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I wondered whether I should put this in the humour section or in here, but I went with here because these truly are theological issues! I thought of three Sunday School lesson topics - you know, the things they don't teach you in Sunday School? 1. Lot - the man who gave his virgin daughters to be gang raped and was still considered "righteous" and worthy to be saved from Sodom and Gomorrah. Next week....Lot's wife turned into a salt lick for local fauna because she disobeyed a direct order and turned around while walking away from the city. Hmmm, guess there was no direct order to not give your virgin daughters to be gang raped by sex maniacs...so Lot was still righteous. 2. Psalm 137 - A ticked off Psalmist takes aim at the babies. What the editors at the Council of Nicaea overlooked... 3. Thus Saith the Prince of Peace - Don’t imagine that I came to bring peace to the earth! I came not to bring peace, but a sword. ‘I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. Your enemies will be right in your own household!’ Matthew 10:34-36 Anyone got any more topics they won't teach you in Sunday School? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pratt Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 sorry coconutz,,,,, I actually taught about Lot and wife in my bible classes,,,, God was great and man was evil, and Lot's wife a dumb bitch,,,, not in all those terms but close,,,,, what was i thinking,,,,,,,,,,,, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdwatcher Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Deuteronomy 25:11&12 GIRLS, STAY AWAY FROM THE BALLS 11 If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, 12 you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity. Numbers 31 THE ART OF WAR, KILL EVERYONE EXCEPT THE LITTLE GIRL VIRGINS, KEEP THEM FOR YOURSELVES (except for the ones you give to God through the priests). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblueep Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Jephthah - Sacrifice your daughter as an offering to god after winning a battle (Judges 11) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Ester Chapter 2 Ester was the best lay in the land; a real firecracker in bed. Genesis 22 Judges 11 God has received human sacrifice and no angel of the Lord was sent to prevent it. Son of Solomon 2 Oral sex can be lots of fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdwatcher Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 TO A CLASS OF OF STUDENTS WITH SPECIAL NEEDS Leviticus 21:16 - 23 In God's eyes you're really not good enough to come to Him, but because of the blood of Jesus, you are now worthy. 16 The LORD said to Moses, 17 “Say to Aaron: ‘For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. 18 No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; 19 no man with a crippled foot or hand, 20 or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. 21 No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the food offerings to the LORD. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. 22 He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; 23 yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the LORD, who makes them holy.’” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted December 9, 2011 Super Moderator Share Posted December 9, 2011 Don't tease bald men or God will fuck you up. 2Kings2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted December 9, 2011 Super Moderator Share Posted December 9, 2011 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnk0ZQfeUYc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeasabird Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 TO A CLASS OF OF STUDENTS WITH SPECIAL NEEDS Leviticus 21:16 - 23 In God's eyes you're really not good enough to come to Him, but because of the blood of Jesus, you are now worthy. 16 The LORD said to Moses, 17 “Say to Aaron: ‘For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. 18 No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; 19 no man with a crippled foot or hand, 20 or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. 21 No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the food offerings to the LORD. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. 22 He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; 23 yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the LORD, who makes them holy.’” Holy shit this one stopped me dead in my tracks when I read the bible straight through. I had to re-read it several times to believe this was actually in the so called "good book". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeasabird Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 When you pray for something, best be sure you know what you're asking for: Judges 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kruszer Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 An acceptable way to score a husband is to find a man you like, wait until he's a little tipsy, and climb into his bed. Ruth Chapter 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eugene39 Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 It must be up to me to bring this beauty to you guys attention. Genesis 38:8-10. Judah tells his son who to screw, he doesn't want to get her pregnant, so he practices some coitus interruptus, which God kills him for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 Vashti: She was onto something! The unfinished symphony of a woman ahead of her time. On the seventh day, when King Xerxes was in high spirits from wine, he commanded the seven eunuchs who served him...to bring before him Queen Vashti, wearing her royal crown, in order to display her beauty to the people and nobles, for she was lovely to look at. Therefore...let him issue a royal decree...that Vashti is never again to enter the presence of King Xerxes. Also let the king give her royal position to someone else who is better than she. Then when the king’s edict is proclaimed throughout all his vast realm, all the women will respect their husbands, from the least to the greatest. [/Quote] So many ways this could go. I guess to be truly Biblical, it means that wives should do stripteases for their husbands and his friends if they are hammered and demand it. However, I think I would teach Sunday School like this: "OK girls, the story of Vashti will tell us why sometimes we should just say "fuck you" to our husbands......" and"Did you know that Vashti, while her story ends abruptly in the Bible, actually had a great life after she left that fucktard asshole husband of hers?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 Lot - the man who gave his virgin daughters to be gang raped and was still considered "righteous" and worthy to be saved from Sodom and Gomorrah. "Conversation Over Sunday Lunch", or, "Why Biblical Morality does not Exist". Johnny: [Relates story from Sunday school] "Daddy, was that man's action moral?" Daddy: "Well yes, son. The Lord told him to toss his daughter out to be raped all night. So yes, he was entirely in the right. [Pass the beef, sweetie.]" Johnny: "So......when God tells you to do something, it's OK, right?" [playing with his food] Daddy: "You bet, son. God's rules are always right." Johnny: "So.......do you think God might tell me to rape some body?" [staring down at his plate] Daddy: "Well son, probably not. That story happened a long time ago. Eat your peas." Johnny: "Well, what should I do if God tells me to rape someone? Should I do it?" Daddy: [Chuckles] "Johnny, God won't ask you to rape someone." Johnny: "But if God did, would it still be sin? Would I go to hell?" Daddy: "Eat your peas." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bornnormal Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 Hosea 4, 14I will not punish your daughters when they commit whoredom, nor your spouses when they commit adultery: for themselves are separated with whores, and they sacrifice with harlots: therefore the people that doth not understand shall fall. Don't worry! No punishment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
par4dcourse Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 They kinda skimmed over that whole virgin birth thing. Does the holy spook have a pecker? What does perfect DNA look like? Did Mary get off or is god a typical man. Did she yell "oh, you?" It's god. He could'a sprung for dinner and a few drinks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Will02 Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 An acceptable way to score a husband is to find a man you like, wait until he's a little tipsy, and climb into his bed. Ruth Chapter 3 Hell, if someone did that to me I would want to get to know her better at the very least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 An acceptable way to score a husband is to find a man you like, wait until he's a little tipsy, and climb into his bed. Ruth Chapter 3 Hell, if someone did that to me I would want to get to know her better at the very least. Don't forget the secret password. You have to say "Spread the corner of your garment over me, my Lord". Because . . . otherwise it wouldn't be suggestive enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaiser01 Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 one of the verses that sealed what i thought about the bible was first sammuel 15:3. the one about the amalikites. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShackledNoMore Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 3. Thus Saith the Prince of Peace - Don’t imagine that I came to bring peace to the earth! I came not to bring peace, but a sword. ‘I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. Your enemies will be right in your own household!’ Matthew 10:34-36 I have seen this one taken on in church in my past xian experience. The spin: when a member of your family does not submit to the cult, the cult wins. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShackledNoMore Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 Don't tease bald men or God will fuck you up. 2Kings2 Later that day, God sends his disciples... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted December 17, 2011 Super Moderator Share Posted December 17, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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