CatsPajamas Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Hello, everyone. I've been lurking on here for a few months, and I finally decided it was time to join and post my story. All of this is still very new to me and I'm having a bit of a hard time with it - it's difficult to undo almost 33 years of a way of thinking, but I'm working on it. Here goes: I was born into a religious family - my grandfather is a retired Pentecostal preacher, so I started attending church at the ripe old age of 10 days old. I was "dedicated" as an infant and spent the next 14 years of my life attending a Church of God church. Speaking in Tongues, being slain in the spirit, all of that is nothing new or shocking to me at all. I got saved and baptized when I was 13 and was a pretty good/boring teenager. Once I turned 16, my entire family just kind of stopped going to church. No big falling out or drama; our attendance just kind of tapered off to nothing. I never really thought about church or religion - I just lived my life. Fast forward to now. In May of last year, something snapped in my head and I became OBSESSED with religion. I'm not 100% sure what happened - I just remember suddenly thinking that I am a horrible person and I will end up in hell. Everything I did was "UnGodly" and sinful. I went through a few months of severe depression and crippling anxiety attacks. I couldn't pray enough. I was obsessively reading the Bible all the time. It was out of control. I was placed on anti-depressants and Xanax for the attacks and things calmed down. In the last couple of months, I began reading up on the history of the church and the Bible and I found that none of what I had been taught made any logical sense. I'm now embarrassed that I believed in the Creation Story, Noah's Ark, etc... Part of me is still fearful of even being on this site and questioning God and the Bible, but that fear is diminishing day by day. I lost my belief in hell not long after I started studying its origins, but sometimes the thought of "what if it's real" still creeps in. My husband and I currently attend a Methodist church, but I get nothing out of it at all. For me, it's just a time to see friends for an hour or so each week. We have a 6 year old daughter who thinks church is boring and I've stopped trying to convince her otherwise. I don't want her to be a blindly believing little robot - I want her to figure out for herself what the truth is. My husband is not overtly religious, but I'm not sure how he would react to all this yet. I think that with him, it is going to just be a gradual realization. This website has become my little support system, even though I've never posted and have only lurked. At the moment, I just don't feel like I can "come out" to my family. My grandparents are still VERY religious and believe every word of the Bible as fact. I've basically cut ties with them, but not because of the religious stuff. That keeps me away from them, but is not the reason I avoid them. My mom (who is an awesome person) was totally f-ed up in the head by them as a child and doesn't question what she was taught. She has told me to stop reading about religion, because it will make me think too much and I just need to have faith. I just can't do that anymore. So here I am - happy and (mostly) free. I know I still have a ways to go before I can say that I'm totally free, but that is getting easier and easier each day. Sorry if this rambled. I didn't really think about what I was going to write until I sat down and started typing. Thanks for reading!! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted March 20, 2012 Super Moderator Share Posted March 20, 2012 Thinking too much --- ah yes, that'll do it! Welcome to Ex-C! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Welcome to Ex-C! We all basically "think too much" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblueep Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Welcome Cats. You have come to the right place. Many here relate to you, although I'm sure you already know that from the lurking My wife and I were True BelieversTM for 33 years until we dared to ask the questions. I hope you stick around and become part of this community Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dyanaprajna0 Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Welcome to Ex-C! Don't worry, deconversion is a process, and, for alot of people here, like me, it takes years. It took me around five years from the time the first doubt crept in, to my official deconversion. And don't worry about thinking too much, we all do it here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2Honest Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Welcome, CJ! I'm sorry for the anxiety and depression religion has caused you. I can relate to that part of your story. I'm glad you're on the road to recovery! ~2H Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ocean Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Hi Cats, I commiserate with you about anxiety attacks. I had them for several years (before there were meds), followed by decades of anticipatory antiety and phobia...no picnic. It only recently occurred to me that the anxiety attacks started around the time that I started to question and deconvert. It's amazing to me that it took me four decades to make that connection. I see my failure to make that connection as part of a "there must be something wrong with me, not them" mindset. You're on the right track...just keep moving in that direction. Thank you for sharing your story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Welcome, CatsPajamas! My mother accused me of exactly the same thing! If I didn't "think" so much, I would still be a believer. Well, duh.... I'm glad things are getting better for you and I'm happy that you've decided to join us. Best wishes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Welcome, Cats! You've come to the right place. There seems to be an ongoing pattern of obsession in Christian thought. It drives many individuals to obsessive compulsive disorder. Glad you're embarking on a healing journey! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Welcome CatsPajamas. It's good to have you. Got any questions? I left Christianity about a year ago but I still attend church on account of my wife. I try hard to not laugh. Sometimes I even succeed. Let us know if we can do anything to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatsPajamas Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 Thanks for the replies and support! The depression and especially the anxiety attacks were horrible. I would never commit suicide, but I got to a place where I understood why people do. It was the worst period of my life. I am currently weaning off the anti-depressants and I feel so much better. I'm lucky to have a wonderful husband and family who are here for me no matter what. I'm hoping that people will be able to see, through me, that you can be a good, honest, moral person despite the non-belief. It seems like a lot of people think those things are mutually exclusive. Anyway, thanks again and I'm looking forward to getting to know you guys better! Mymistake - I might have some questions. Stay tuned!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsRoper Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Welcome CatsPJs Thanks for sharing your story, I hope you continue to get a lot of support here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LivingLife Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 *Cue creepy organ music* Welcome to the darrrrrk side heh heh heh.... Oops wrong scene, you just left that side - my bad... *Cue Razzle Dazzle music* Welcome to the light Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thought2Much Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Welcome, CatsPajamas, from yet another ex-christian who has committed the inexcusable crime of "thinking too much." I think my reply to that in future will be something like, "If you think I'm thinking too much, then I think you probably aren't thinking enough." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Love Trapped's response to that question! Welcome, Cats And I'm glad you started thinking! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Hello and welcome, Catspjs! I love your post, your thinking, the fact that you are out of the anxiety, and your screen name. Does a cat live with you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatsPajamas Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 A neighbor's cat has adopted us, but she's not technically ours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 She must know that you've got lots of love to give her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spectrox Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Welcome Cats PJs - I can relate to a lot of your story. I think most Christians are moral people in spite of their faith! Well done for being honest with your self. There is no logical reasoning in the Bible. In fact the whole Doubting Thomas story is a pre-emptive strike against critical thinking! "You're even more blessed for belief without evidence"! Such cobblers! Don't let go of your rationality. It's precious. Nice meeting you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marmot Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Glad you found the light. And the strength. I'm another closeted spouse here, too. I can really empathize with your emphasis on the social aspect of church. That was the only thing that really kept me going to church for the last year or so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted March 20, 2012 Moderator Share Posted March 20, 2012 Welcome cats!! So good to have you! thanks for sharing your story! It is just wonderful to have the new friends come and join in on the board. The more the merrier...... looking forward to hearing lots more from you...... I hope!! You're gonna be alright....You're here with us now!! We'll take care of you!! hug tonight! Sincerely, Margee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denyoz Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Hi Cats and thank you for thinking, the world needs more people like you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raoul Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 Sounds like you rejected everything I've rejected. But always remember one thing about this - your spirituality has nothing to do with what you've discarded and it comes across clearly in your post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Welcome to you too, Raoul Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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