How Christianity Broke My Brain

[Positivist]

I would love to hear how others are dealing with their difficulty with logic, after years or decades of Christian mental gymnastics to rationalize the irrational and justify the unjustifiable. Here is my story.

 

I have always been a thinker. I was reading my dad’s theology books when I was seven (and decided I was a Methodist). I also used to wonder if I was maybe mentally challenged but that no one was telling me, to spare my feelings. (This actually bothered me for years.) Anyhow, from as early as I can remember, I was always trying to map out a mental construct or conceptual framework for whatever I believed or what I observed around me. I spent a disturbing amount of time thinking, trying to piece it all together. I didn’t laugh until I was four. All that smiling was gobbled up in the hard work of thinking.

 

I can’t help it that I deconstruct and analyze everything and try to fit it within a metanarrative or greater schema. I can’t help it that misfitting ideas or observations fester and rankle until I find a way for them to make sense, until I finally have a framework for understanding. (In sewing, we call this "easing it in"--trying to compensate by working in misfitting fabric gradually with the machine as you sew.) I can neither understand nor explain why I “go there”, as my husband says. He’s the lucky type that doesn’t fret that God got him a parking spot while a child died of starvation that very second somewhere in sub-Saharan Africa. He simply “doesn’t go there”. If he doesn’t think about these things, I wonder what he does think about. This type of stuff occupies a lot of my mental energy and cortical neurons.

 

I am cursed. I am like “the Princess and the Pea” with all that festering and rankling and niggling of things that don’t make sense. Sometimes I wonder if I must be incredibly stupid. Why would I persist in a faith system that hurts my brain and causes such…dissonance? Why would I persist in vacuuming my house with a broken vacuum cleaner, for so damn long? Well, because I thought it was true. Actually, make that True^TM.

 

Like the men of old, when I explored ideas I started with my “first principles”, starting points which I knew to be true, of which “God is” was the primary. I know this sounds like I was starting with my conclusion. Of course I was. I couldn't run the risk of ending at the wrong conclusion, so I began with it instead.

 

So, let’s say there’s a pastor who is clearly off his theological rocker, and he’s screaming all kinds of crazy stuff, like Benny Hinn and his Trinitarian Trinity (“there are nine of ‘em”, says Hinn). Hmmmm. Sounds heretical. But, would God really have such a nutter roaming around in His name? Surely, this man is anointed….and the Bible says we should not “touch” the Lord’s anointed…..so that takes care of any criticism I want to dole out. But how to process this seeming heresy? Well, I guess Benny has inside knowledge. Who can understand these deep mysteries? Woe is me, a woman of ignoble origins and humble means; what truth can I possibly know?

 

Or how about evolution. I mean, the Bible is True, so that’s where we start our study of beginnings. The Bible says God made the earth, therefore that’s true. Six days and bam! We’re off to the races. Evolutionary scientists are just out to cheat God out of his rightful place! People are planting fossils in the strangest places! Those dinosaur skeletons that are reconstructed? Well, those are really a hodge podge of bones from cows, horses and whales. Praise the Lord that I’m smarter than a paleontologist! Thank you Jesus, your Word covers it all! Yes, the Lord is confounding the wise and making these things known to the simple folk like me. Haddas shammkalla shininikokalla! Hallelujah!

 

Oh. Wait. My pastor believes in evolution? And his wife doesn’t??? Ummmm. Okay, well, she’s more spiritual, so she must be right. Wait! I know! It’s a combination of evolution and creation. Yes! Oh, wait. The creation story is anachronistic according to evolution. D’oh! Ummmm, well, maybe it’s like Aslan and Narnia. He sang it into being. Thank goodness for CS Lewis!

 

I am a magician. I can invent reasons for nearly anything, out of thin air. I can explain away the obvious with the most ridiculous arguments and the most illogical ideas. I can take near Olympian leaps to absurd conclusions from huge distances away (like justifying why a friend's marriage is falling apart, or why a person is sick, or why God isn’t healing, well, anybody, or why HIV is decimating Africa). The hardest thing for me, on the other hand, is learning how to articulate a logical argument. I am a gold medal non-sequitur-ist. But I cannot form a logical argument to find my way out of a paper bag.

 

The merry-go-round of justification, fake reasons, and insanity. God, I’m glad I got away from those grim-grinned lunatic horses.

 

Christianity broke my brain. Now, the task is to learn how to think. For real.

[mymistake]

Christianity broke my brain. The other day I started feeling guilty about something and I realized I didn't even do it. It was something I had seen in a movie. I was feeling guilty for something that never even happened. It was a story invented by an author and then acted out by professional entertainers. Years of telling myself that my best efforts count as filthy rags has broken my brain.

[Overcame Faith]

A really good place to start learning how to think logically is a course on logic. I know that sounds like a simplistic answer, but it can be a tremendous help when trying to learn how to make a logical argument. I'm sure you could find a course at a locl college or university or you could do some independent reading or independent study.

[blackpudd1n]

I'm not one for saying "I know how you feel", but I reckon I could come pretty damn close in this instance.

 

I never felt dumber in my life than the weekend I deconverted, at the end of October last year. I suddenly realised just how damn little I actually knew. And I suddenly realised why I'd never done very well in university essays in the past- I didn't know how to construct an actual argument. I am slowly learning how to do so, but I get greatly frustrated with the amount of time that I need to think and process my thoughts in order to come up with something valid. My mind feels incredibly sloooooow.

 

I'm having to start from scratch with pretty much everything. I have to question every assumption I have, analyse it for its veracity. I have spent the last few months cramming and thinking and cramming until some days, my head hurts.

 

And then, last week, I realised something that affected me profoundly: learning happens in layers. I realised that I was not going to get anything first go, because it is a cumulative effect, hearing and reading something over and over, in different forms, before it actually starts to click. I realised that I needed to continue persisting with the areas I struggled with because eventually I would be rewarded with understanding. And it's started happening- I'm starting to grasp the concept of evolution. I'm starting to get the arguments against intelligent design. It's slowly happening, as I persist. But realising that it wasn't going to happen overnight made me relax a little.

 

And the constant search for understanding has had bonus effects in other areas of my life. My partner and I fight so much less these days because I'm not so irrational anymore, or I am able to perceive my irrationality far sooner. And I admit that I was at fault for most of our arguments in the past; he would very rationally say something, and I'd hear something else, or make an assumption, and get all worked up, without stopping and asking him to elaborate, clarify, or explain his reasoning.

 

But I'll link for you some of the things that I have found particularly helpful to me:

 

This documentary is about the Intelligent Design court case in Dover. It wasn't a light bulb moment for me watching it; it was like fireworks going off in my head. Re-enacting the court case from transcripts, they went through and also illustrated Darwin's theory of evolution, and reasons against intelligent design in just a really easy to follow and understand format. I was absolutely spell-bound, because all of a sudden, the wires in my brain were connecting, and I was starting to get it. the link is here: http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/judgment-day-intelligent-design-on-trial/

 

I've also found QualiaSoup's YouTube videos to be really helpful for learning how to think logically. I particularly like his ones on critical thinking and open mindedness. His channel is here: http://www.youtube.com/user/QualiaSoup/videos

 

I am currently reading Richard Dawkins' book, The God Delusion. I've watched a few of his documentaries on the site I linked you to above for the Dover court case doco, and I really like the way he challenges my thinking. I'm finding that listening and reading stuff by very logical people is helping me to think more in that manner. I think that the thought processes we have are really nothing more than habits, and we can modify them according to what we are listening to and reading.

 

And, to finish this long-winded diatribe, I would just like to say that I find you a highly intelligent person, Positivist, and I really value your input. It's refreshing to be able to have conversations about life and everything in between with an original thinker. And, at the end of the day, your thinking can't be that flawed- after all, you did manage to think your way out of christianity

[Positivist]

Years of telling myself that my best efforts count as filthy rags has broken my brain.

 

That's exactly it. We think, "Oh, God's ways are higher. It's just too hard for my little 4.0 honor roll Dean's list brain. How can a worm like me possibly understand?"

 

I am finding it so hard to reclaim intelligence. It's so damn hard to get over the fact that I'm not supposed to think.

 

Loved your story, MM, about guilt for something you didn't do. Priceless! I'm glad we can suffer together!

[Positivist]

A really good place to start learning how to think logically is a course on logic.

 

I have downloaded a bunch of podcasts! My logic problem came to light in my PhD studies, when I couldn't even think of the word premise and didn't know how to make a logical argument. 'Embarrassing' doesn't begin to cover it.

 

On the other hand, it's terribly liberating, knowing that I can now begin without "first principles" and follow the evidence where it leads. A new adventure!

 

Thanks OF!

[Positivist]

And, to finish this long-winded diatribe, I would just like to say that I find you a highly intelligent person, Positivist, and I really value your input. It's refreshing to be able to have conversations about life and everything in between with an original thinker. And, at the end of the day, your thinking can't be that flawed- after all, you did manage to think your way out of christianity

 

Thanks BP! I just had to rant. Christianity broke my brain!!

Like I was saying to OF, my problem with logic didn't really surface until my PhD studies (which just goes to show how far one can get without firing on all cylinders ). I was always so afraid to follow the evidence, truly. I heard it said recently, with regards to Biblical study, that to find God you have to start with God. You know, starting with the conclusion and working your way backwards. I am good at this.

 

I also used to think that the Bible had all of the answers. I started there for everything.

 

I met an evolutionary biologist at a party a couple of years ago and I asked him all my dumb questions about evolution. If you lived here, I'd invite you both to my place and we'd learn together! Turns out, there are more plausible theories out there than creationism. (I know, who knew?)

 

I appreciate you BP! We'll figure this out together!

[jackbauer]

I actually think I'm smarter now that I see how faulty apologetic arguements are. After looking up logical fallacies, I can spot a bullshit arguement when I see it. It did take a while though. It took me a while just to convince myself that no one had any idea if there was a God or not.

 

At the time though, I was constantly doubting most scientific information, thinking there was an agenda or conspiracy behind it.

 

-I feel victim to the strawman of scientists just accepting things like religious people have to accept faith.

 

-If someone said they died and went to heaven or hell, I just accepted it.

 

-I tried to find evidence of God in the most obscure things and instead of demanding concrete proof, I just went with "God works in mysterious ways".

 

-I would fall victim to stupid analogies and comparisons: "We believe the sky is blue because it's true. We also believe in Christianity, therefore Christianity is true". Now I can see that this is a bullshit arguement because you can actually see that the sky is blue unlike Christianity.

 

-And I would always fear that the devil was trying to decieve me with contrary information. That and Pascal's wager kept me in for a while.

 

The main problem with organized belief systems is that it places huge demands on your life, but leaves little evidence to back up those claims. I heard a quote "extrrodinary claims require extrodinary evidence". Christianity is an extraordinary claim that lacks the extraordinary evidence supporting it. If I'm going to base my life around something, it damn well better be right. Of course, the dumbass Christians will say that believing there is no god is an extraordinary claim, but at least that claim doesn't demand you live a certain way. The burdon of evidence is on them to prove it. Especially since their God is supposed to play a huge part in our lives. These thoughts were always in the back of my mind, but I never entertained them until I was forced to confront my doubts.

[Positivist]

I actually think I'm smarter now that I see how faulty apologetic arguments are. After looking up logical fallacies, I can spot a bullshit argument when I see it. It did take a while though. It took me a while just to convince myself that no one had any idea if there was a God or not.

 

Thanks jb! I'm hoping to learn how to think properly too. It's getting better, especially hanging out here at Ex-C! Sometimes I poke around in the Lion's Den just to see how to form an argument against Christianity (now that I'm rooting for the other side).

 

I tried to find evidence of God in the most obscure things and instead of demanding concrete proof, I just went with "God works in mysterious ways".

Me too. This whole system really messes with our heads. I've swept a lot of ridiculous crap under the "God works in mysterious ways" rug over the years. Eventually, the pile of crap/mysteries came back to haunt me!

 

You are an inspiration jb. I always enjoy your posts!

[London]

A really good place to start learning how to think logically is a course on logic. I know that sounds like a simplistic answer, but it can be a tremendous help when trying to learn how to make a logical argument. I'm sure you could find a course at a locl college or university or you could do some independent reading or independent study.

 

That is a very logical suggestion. <giggle giggle> And I completely agree with it. Please excuse the horrific play on words. <ducks for cover> <grabs squirt gun to defend oneself>

 

I wanted to make the comment that, I think that xianity was keeping everyone asleep. So you could look at it differently.

 

"I just woke up."

 

Is how I would view it. And when you get confused, or are still learning new facts, and concepts, think of it as still being in the process of waking up. Still a little sleepy on the subject(s) but getting there.

 

Xianity teaches us to beat ourselves down, feel bad, choose to lower our selves when we don't understand things. Science teaches that we completely remove ourselves from the situation so that we can objectively view as many angles as possible. That better enables us to get to a truer conclusion. Xianity, like advertising, plays on our emotions. Science works hard to create a neutral space to function in. Fellings are not bad, and being passionate about science is great. But using feelings is not a scientific method.

 

And I also suggest that people question everything. For example. I typed "truer" and thought, "that's NOT a word!", so I looked it up. It IS a word. Sometimes being wrong is a great feeling!

 

It's not how we feel about the information that matters at first. It's just information. Then you analyze it to see if it adds up. 1+1=2, sometimes it's (1+3)+(6*2)+(8/4)-(8*2)-(1-1)=0. One is simple and one takes more looking. And if you hate math, your emotions will help you fail at the answer.

 

In life I have learned that,

 

smart people do not know all the answers to everything

 

smart people look for the answers

 

smart people ask many questions

 

smart people communicate

 

smart people don't accept blanket "facts"

 

smart people choose to learn

 

 

So, don't beat yourself up when trying to get to the place in your head that you want to be. Just remember sleepyhead...

 

"I just woke up."

[mymistake]

Why is it that religions that have all the answers don't allow tough questions?

[London]

Why is it that religions that have all the answers don't allow tough questions?

 

Alex, I'm gonna choose "cults" for $1000 <cues jeopardy music>

[Overcame Faith]

A really good place to start learning how to think logically is a course on logic.

 

I have downloaded a bunch of podcasts! My logic problem came to light in my PhD studies, when I couldn't even think of the word premise and didn't know how to make a logical argument. 'Embarrassing' doesn't begin to cover it.

 

On the other hand, it's terribly liberating, knowing that I can now begin without "first principles" and follow the evidence where it leads. A new adventure!

 

Thanks OF!

 

I know exactly what you mean. "Reasoning" about the bible begins with the answer and then working backwards to justify that answer. That's the exact opposite of proper reasoning and I was as guilty of it as anyone else. I did that sort of "reasoning" all the time when it came to matters biblical. I actually found it quite embarrassing to think back on it once I finally left the religion. I, too, found it quite liberating to be able to begin from the true beginning and then work forward to reach conclusions. Once I was free from biblical "logic," I began really exercising my brain by just thinking about things. I chose some topics that I was not totally familiar with like gravity, time, the speed of light and other such topics and began thinking them through. It's not that I came to the right conclusions on these topics; rather, it was the act of thinking about them that helped me learn how to think about topics in a logical manner.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Love the title of this thread, Positivist!

[Chikirin]

For me a big step was realizing that my emotions were not the voice of spirits, but were just thoughts. Before if I felt down in the dumps, it was God frowning on me or Satan sticking me with his pitchfork, or my innate evil "sin nature" -- I don't know which of the three were worse, there weren't any good options, and those were the only three options.

 

Now I can chalk up lousy feelings to the nature of the body's biological rhythms. Maybe it was something I ate. So what if I feel lousy? The cycle will soon pass and I will most likely feel better in a bit. So much better than letting my mind run wild with an imagined apocalyptic nightmare.

[ConureDelSol]

I didn't try to make sense of things until I got a little older. Until then, I was under the impression that anything at all was possible. I didn't worry about the morality of things because I really wasn't exposed to those problems. No one ever challenged my faith. It wasn't until I was 18 that I began having doubts. Then I would go to good ol' Bible-knowing dad for help. He would explain things in a way that still seemed full of holes but I would get incredibly angry after awhile and I would have to stop after mom begged me to "Take an ativan." For those of you who don't know, that basically means "Take a chill pill" but since my mom is a nurse, she likes to tell me specifically which pill to take.

 

I can't say that Christianity damaged my brain in the way the OP says though. Perhaps it's just because I wasn't exposed to it as long and I wasn't raised as a Christian from birth.

[blackpudd1n]

And, to finish this long-winded diatribe, I would just like to say that I find you a highly intelligent person, Positivist, and I really value your input. It's refreshing to be able to have conversations about life and everything in between with an original thinker. And, at the end of the day, your thinking can't be that flawed- after all, you did manage to think your way out of christianity

 

Thanks BP! I just had to rant. Christianity broke my brain!!

Like I was saying to OF, my problem with logic didn't really surface until my PhD studies (which just goes to show how far one can get without firing on all cylinders ). I was always so afraid to follow the evidence, truly. I heard it said recently, with regards to Biblical study, that to find God you have to start with God. You know, starting with the conclusion and working your way backwards. I am good at this.

 

I also used to think that the Bible had all of the answers. I started there for everything.

 

I met an evolutionary biologist at a party a couple of years ago and I asked him all my dumb questions about evolution. If you lived here, I'd invite you both to my place and we'd learn together! Turns out, there are more plausible theories out there than creationism. (I know, who knew?)

 

I appreciate you BP! We'll figure this out together!

 

lol well, you only need go no further than my questions in the science forum for prime examples of dumb questions. Like, for instance, the raw meat thread.

 

I don't mind asking dumb questions, though. I always work on the premise that someone else is probably thinking the same things, but not quite game enough to ask the question, so I do. I've also found that truly knowledgable people don't actually mind being asked dumb questions, because they enjoy helping someone to overcome ignorance. I guess there's no point having all that knowledge if you're not going to spread it around.

 

I like the Science forum on here. I find it to be a good starting point for tackling a scientific area. Asking questions and getting answers helps me to lay a foundation to build on when I go more in-depth, otherwise I just get bogged down. I still go and do my own independent study, but it really helps me to have somewhere to talk about what I'm learning as I learn, and helps me clarify stuff. As well as weed out the bad information from the good.

 

I also used to think the bible had all the answers. It's so embarrassing to think that I believed some faily tale. What an idiot! LOL

[Positivist]

So, don't beat yourself up when trying to get to the place in your head that you want to be. Just remember sleepyhead...

"I just woke up."

 

This definitely helps reframe it, London. Thanks for that! I do feel like I just woke up. *Yawn* *Stretch*.

[Positivist]

I know exactly what you mean. "Reasoning" about the bible begins with the answer and then working backwards to justify that answer.

 

It's refreshing to hear your experiences with this, too. It really is like learning how to think all over again. As a Christian, we start with the Bible and what we think it says. We start with "OK, we know Jesus is the son of God, and that God made the world in 6 days...." It's akin to taking just one piece of 'evidence' and running with it and trying to make all the other evidence support that one (probably wrong) so-called piece of evidence. It's as ludicrous as making a decision starting with "Well, Gandalf the Grey says....."

[Positivist]

For me a big step was realizing that my emotions were not the voice of spirits, but were just thoughts. Before if I felt down in the dumps, it was God frowning on me or Satan sticking me with his pitchfork, or my innate evil "sin nature"...

 

Now I can chalk up lousy feelings to the nature of the body's biological rhythms.

 

So true! It's so nice to not have to analyze every feeling--is God trying to tell me something? Is the Holy Spirit talking to me? Have I sinned? What am I doing wrong? Is Satan attacking me because I'm doing something good, or is God steering me away from something?

 

Looking back, it's completely psychiatric and crazy making!

[Positivist]

...I began having doubts. Then I would go to good ol' Bible-knowing dad for help. He would explain things in a way that still seemed full of holes but I would get incredibly angry after awhile...

 

I can't say that Christianity damaged my brain in the way the OP says though. Perhaps it's just because I wasn't exposed to it as long and I wasn't raised as a Christian from birth.

 

Yes, I think you got out in time! I kept doing the mental gymnastics and contortions.

 

Funny how the answers we get to our hard questions just don't seem to work. What does your dad think of your questions? What does he think of his answers? Does he feel they aren't good enough, or is he just trusting in The Mystery?

[Positivist]

I like the Science forum on here. I find it to be a good starting point for tackling a scientific area.

~~~

I also used to think the bible had all the answers. It's so embarrassing to think that I believed some faily tale. What an idiot! LOL

I agree. I am continually blown away by the communal knowledge at Ex-C. I don't understand every conversation, that's for sure!

 

The reason I didn't pursue my passion of sociology as a degree is because I thought that the Bible had those answers too. What a lunatic!

[par4dcourse]

I can empathize, Positivist. There's a whole slew of "I can't believe I believed that crap" threads in the archives. Except for the lucky ones who were never xian, most of us have had that moment of feeling gullible.

[2Honest]

Awesome post, Pos! If I was allowed to "like" it more than once, I would! I appreciate your contribution to this forum so much. Seriously, when I see your cute little profile pic I think, "Hey, Pos posted something!" and then I click on it!

 

I can totally relate to what you wrote. I have felt like my brain is broken, too! I have always naturally been inquisitive and a critical thinker, but that was hammered out of me as I grew up in the church. Until recently I felt like those qualities about me were wrong and I was just jaded or "too judgmental".

 

Living a life believing that questioning and doubting are wrong really does screw up your mind! I think for awhile it can seem comforting to turn your brain off and live a life of "trust and faith". There are so many people who are content to live there. But they are just better at fooling themselves. Eventually it does make a person nuts!

 

I'm glad we can think freely now!

[jackbauer]

I didn't try to make sense of things until I got a little older. Until then, I was under the impression that anything at all was possible. I didn't worry about the morality of things because I really wasn't exposed to those problems. No one ever challenged my faith. It wasn't until I was 18 that I began having doubts. Then I would go to good ol' Bible-knowing dad for help. He would explain things in a way that still seemed full of holes but I would get incredibly angry after awhile and I would have to stop after mom begged me to "Take an ativan." For those of you who don't know, that basically means "Take a chill pill" but since my mom is a nurse, she likes to tell me specifically which pill to take.

 

I can't say that Christianity damaged my brain in the way the OP says though. Perhaps it's just because I wasn't exposed to it as long and I wasn't raised as a Christian from birth.

 

Yeah, when it comes to an all powerful God who can do anything, you have to believe that anything is posible. The creation story, why not? Noah's arc? Pft that's nothing. Of course by accepting that, I could also accept that the moon is controlled by an evil spirit who wants to crash it into the earth, or that when we die, we are reborn on another planet, or millions of other theories people have. I was driven nuts obsessing about all this stuff I could not know about. The Christian websites I visited did not help with their constant yammerings of the truth and how if you don't accept their bullshit, you'll accept some other dogma. It also didn't help that no Christians could agree on which is right and who has the right interpratation of the BIble. And with extremests on many different sides threatening others with hellfire and God's judgement for rejecting their "truth"... yeah...

 

Good to be back to reality where I can accept the posibilities of certain things, but don't have to base my life obsessing over it.

 

For me a big step was realizing that my emotions were not the voice of spirits, but were just thoughts. Before if I felt down in the dumps, it was God frowning on me or Satan sticking me with his pitchfork, or my innate evil "sin nature"...

 

Now I can chalk up lousy feelings to the nature of the body's biological rhythms.

 

So true! It's so nice to not have to analyze every feeling--is God trying to tell me something? Is the Holy Spirit talking to me? Have I sinned? What am I doing wrong? Is Satan attacking me because I'm doing something good, or is God steering me away from something?

 

Looking back, it's completely psychiatric and crazy making!

 

Yet another way Christianity drives people nuts. It makes one fear things which are not there and even if they were, could not be understood by the human mind. You'd think an all powerful God would find a better way to communicate!

 

And it doesn't help that they heap all this crap on you about how dependant you are on Jesus, how depraved you are, and how you don't even deserve to be given a chance to repent. That means that when God doesn't show, they can blame it on something you did. It puts all the preasure on you even though you're supposed to depend on God. Yet another wonderful mind fuck fundie Christians use to dominate and control others.