TotalWreck Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Did you ever ask yourself this question after you left Christianity: "Did I really do all I could do?" Even though deep down I know I did do everything I could to keep believing, I still ask myself that question sometimes and wonder, "Maybe I didn't wait long enough for my breakthrough. Maybe I wasn't patient enough. Maybe I didn't have enough faith. Maybe I should have been a better person. Maybe I wasn't grateful enough. Etc." I think that the only thing that snaps me out of it is remembering the lies about how God gives comfort to those in pain (I never felt comfort except while praying and maybe for a few minutes afterward and was always in emotional pain) and also the lie about "Ask and you shall recieve" (I truly believed faithfully that God would answer my prayer requests, yet most of the time he didn't). Did anyone else have those moments of second-guessing after deconverting? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Yes. Stuff like what you mention above kept the second-guessing very minimal. Later on, I realized how contradictory the Bible is and how absurd the religion is. Fear of going to hell was probably the hardest thing to jettison. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TotalWreck Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Yes. Stuff like what you mention above kept the second-guessing very minimal. Later on, I realized how contradictory the Bible is and how absurd the religion is. Fear of going to hell was probably the hardest thing to jettison. And see, that's the last thing on my mind. In fact, I was never too worried about ending up in heaven or hell because I knew I was a decent person doing my best and if I was going to end up in hell, then so be it. My thing though is that Christianity was my hope that got me through the present, even if I was miserable most of the time. And that's what's hard to face now - I'm having a hard time finding hope without "god". Ugh, it's just all such a mindfuck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Yes. Stuff like what you mention above kept the second-guessing very minimal. Later on, I realized how contradictory the Bible is and how absurd the religion is. Fear of going to hell was probably the hardest thing to jettison. And see, that's the last thing on my mind. In fact, I was never too worried about ending up in heaven or hell because I knew I was a decent person doing my best and if I was going to end up in hell, then so be it. My thing though is that Christianity was my hope that got me through the present, even if I was miserable most of the time. And that's what's hard to face now - I'm having a hard time finding hope without "god". Ugh, it's just all such a mindfuck. Is it hope you miss, or the comfort of expectation? I find great joy in the unpredictability of life, even when it sucks. You just never know what's in store, what's waiting around the corner. I never know what each day will bring anymore, and that's exciting, to me. I focus not on what I have lost, but what I have gained. I don't look at the past, I look to the future. I have gained freedom. For me, that far outweighs anything I ever lost in christianity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chikirin Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I wondered for a bit that I didn't do all i could, and that's what kept me leaving for so many years. but now I look back and think I did too much, and gave Christianity and Christians far too much benefit of the doubt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I wondered for a bit that I didn't do all i could, and that's what kept me leaving for so many years. but now I look back and think I did too much, and gave Christianity and Christians far too much benefit of the doubt. Great point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeCoastie Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 For me my attempts to confirm my faith just made it worse. I tried reading Mere Christianity, but found C.S. Lewis' arguments to be trite, circular, and just based on his own baseless assertions. Then when when I tried reading the Bible, I couldn't see the divinity in the words. What I read of the Bible just confirmed that those are the words of men, not even divine words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackbauer Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 All the damn time. I think it's because in my case, my venture into Christian fundamentalism was short lived; a phase I went through. During that time, I was wavering back and forth between different dogmas and at times simply not believing what I was being fed (fear kept me in). I did pray that sinners prayer multiple times, but didn't feel anything and could never convince myself that I or anyone else deserved eternal torture. I knew I was doing it out of fear and nothing else. Since I was hoping that this wasn't true and that no one would go to hell, I knew that I had doubt and that God could see through that. It honestly drove me nuts. If there is a God, I hope it's a god who understands the terror, confusion, and insanity I went through during that time. In fact, I don't even know why God has to judge anyone for just living normal lives. Christianity was not healthy for me at that time and I don't want to go back unless there's good reason to believe it's true. On the off chance that there is a god and he is like the one depicted in the bible, at least I know that I'll get the pleasure of flipping him the bird on my way down to hell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Hey, TW Sorry to hear you've hit a rough patch. Christianity is a huge mindfuck and we go through intellectual delirium tremens when we start detoxing from it. For me, my loss of faith was a slow but steady erosion (which I fought tooth and nail), so by the time God kicked me one more time, I went sailing right off the cliff of faith to which I was still feebly clinging. I have never looked back. I know I tried my best. My faith simply eroded to nothing, despite all of my efforts. My beliefs seemed increasingly irreconcilable with the real world, and my experiences were uninterpretable from a Christian perspective. I do not look back (except to think, "OMG! What was I thinking????") Maybe this is a good time to reaffirm what you believe/not. But keep in mind, it could likely be what I call "intellectual delirium tremens"--the shakes of losing your faith. Peace, brother. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackbauer Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 And it doesn't help that fellow Christians reinforce those thoughts about not trying hard enough (even though the entire message is supposed to be about grace and mercy). They'll say you never humbled yourself, weren't willing to give your live to Jesus, or several other excuses as to why God never revealed himself to you. You'd think that if God wanted us to be so devoted, he'd FUCKING REVEAL HIMSELF. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Yes, I did everything I could have done. Christians even have accused me of doing too much, i.e. works instead of faith. There's no win with Christian sophism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Yes, I did everything I could have done. Christians even have accused me of doing too much, i.e. works instead of faith. There's no win with Christian sophism. To them, it's simply impossible that God did not show up after what we did, and it's impossible for someone to walk away from this amazing thing called "Christianity", what with all the love and goodness of God and all. It must be our fault because God is perfect. What a mindfuck! Sometimes it actually hurts to look back. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Well, if the message is absolutely perfect, then if someone's got an issue with it, the defect must be in the questioner, not the message itself. Too bad the premise is flawed. Part of codependence is this feeling that you're pouring yourself into a relationship that isn't giving back nearly what you're putting in. I remember beating myself up because I hadn't done enough to keep my relationships alive and always feeling like there was more I should be doing to preserve them. Even afterward, till I got my head together, I was beating myself up with guilt. My Evil Ex and the next guy I was with played up to that considerably by making me feel bad for walking away from their abuse. I see a lot of that feeling reflected in these posts and wonder if anybody's thought about the comparison? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Overcame Faith Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I also wondered if I did enough. Then one day I had a thought that helped me through that self doubt. I realized that since it is only god who knows with certainty whether or not he exists, if it is important for him that we know of his existence, it is he who is responsible for revealing himself to us in a way that is unmistakable as only he would be capable of doing. Therefore, I placed the burden of proof where it belongs - on god and not on myself. So far no god has met his burden of proof. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzy Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 For me it's the opposite. I wish I'd have waken up much earlier and hadn't wasted 20 years on Christianity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts