VacuumFlux Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 I am just now coming to realize something that I probably should have figured out long ago. I would like some input on how this works for other people and on proper terminology when discussing human interactions. So... I used to have lots of friends. I had a hard time keeping up with all of them, and sometimes it was exhausting. I felt guilty if I didn't spend enough time with enough of the people I considered friends, and kinda freaked out any time a potential friendship evaporated. Many of these people I am still on good terms with and talk to occasionally, but I don't know if we actually interact enough to still count as "friends". Certainly not close friends, but do ex-friends become acquaintances instead of friends when you don't keep up with each other? Or is that just a friend I haven't kept up with? Once I realized how much of a drain my social life was on my sanity, I cut back. I have one or two friends that I talk to on a regular basis. I have a few more than I keep up with and occasionally do stuff with. Then I have lots of friends (or are they now acquaintances?) that I say hi to every few months, and would be willing to hang out with if something came up, but neither of us have made much of an effort to make that happen. What I'm finding instead is that I enjoy social groupings focused on a hobby. You've got one night a week (or whatever frequency it happens to be) to hang out with cool people, talk some, and spent time together on a common interest. I rarely see these people out side of hobby-centric situation. I don't have to tell anyone ahead of time if I'm going to miss a week or three, and no one worries about me if I don't show up once or twice (they might be curious if it had been longer, but I still don't know that they'd be particularly upset or worried). But I consider many of these people friends and do have quite an emotional attachment to them. And I'm ok with our together time being limited to hobby events. It's actually somewhat of a relief to have regular scheduled contact with them to keep in touch, but absolutely no obligation to carve out any other time in my schedule for them. This category also works for many people on this website, since I can log in and interact whenever I feel like it, with no obligations to be here other than me feeling like it. I wonder sometimes if the contrived "family" experience of church messed up my view of friendship and social interactions, and that these categories are things that normal people had figured out a long time ago? I'd always assumed that I was supposed to become close friends with everyone that I enjoyed hanging out with, and that a failure to do so was... well, a failure. Now I find myself happily enjoying the company of people who aren't close friends and probably never will be and I'm ok with that. And so are they. And it doesn't feel like settling for second best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 I think that as far as friendships go, the church has definitely distorted our view of community and what not. I agree with you about hobby-based activities. I'm working on getting to gether with people via meetup.com so I can build a network of friends based on things in common other than church. To be honest, the "friends" I have at church are not "friends" at all. There is one person whom I have known since I was 12 and we will always be friends with varying degrees of closeness. There are people from high school that I've not seen for years but I do and always will consider them friends. Also take into account the way that social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace have changed friendships-most things are surface now anyway; that is sad. That said, I think it's fine to have as many or as few friends as you want. For myself, I can only handle a few close friends and I'm fine with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 I think that as far as friendships go, the church has definitely distorted our view of community and what not. This is also my experience. It's confusing. When you're "in the fold" you have automatic friends/peers. When you're out of the fold, not only might you be poorly thought of for your departure, but you also have to learn how to have friends in the real world. As a former f*cked up fundagelical, I wasn't even 'allowed' to have friends at work--my religious beliefs forbade me having unsaved friends because forming these types of unions/friendships was for the sole purpose of soul winning. So, I was quite superficial and yet highly conflicted because I really liked these people. Anyhow, I grew out of that phase, thankfully, but I still wish being social was more natural to me. I now strike people as an extrovert but really, I am just a well adjusted introvert who struggles intensely on the inside wishing I was something other than what I am! I have friends but I always secretly wonder if I'm doing it right! Ack! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I've always just put it down to being of a rather neurotic bent than anything else. A lot of my good friends don't live nearby. They live hours away, so it's hard catching up with them, particularly as a lot of them have families. I have one really close friend in town, though, and I am so fortunate to have this girl. We actually went to high school together, but didn't really talk all that much. We'd both been living in the same town for over two years before we realised that we did- we never ever managed to bump into each other, and it was only through facebook that I clued on we lived in the same place. We got together, and we realised that we were more alike than we ever realised. We get together quite regularly for a coffee marathon- we talk so much, we're always out for a minimum 4 hours! We've taken to pencilling in Mondays for a catch-up (which is why I was hardly online yesterday- we were yakking for 6 hours lol). I've found that I am happier with just a few good friends around than a whole heap of people that I really have nothing in common with but that the church says I should be friends with. And the best thing about my close friend who lives locally, is that we have history. There was so much we didn't even have to go through in establishing our friendship, because we already had shared knowledge, old friends from school in common. Of course, we have a good bitch about school every time we get together. I have had a lot of trouble establishing friendships in this town. I've always been quite an oddball. I don't drink. I don't like to party. A late night ends at 11pm. I'd rather read a book than watch a movie. Hell, I don't even like pop music. So really, my chances of finding other people with similar interests are limited simply because of who I am. And that's okay. I'd rather have a long chat over coffee than get dolled up in high heels I can't walk in and dance to music I hate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I have had a lot of trouble establishing friendships in this town. I've always been quite an oddball. I don't drink. I don't like to party. A late night ends at 11pm. I'd rather read a book than watch a movie. Hell, I don't even like pop music. So really, my chances of finding other people with similar interests are limited simply because of who I am. And that's okay. I'd rather have a long chat over coffee than get dolled up in high heels I can't walk in and dance to music I hate Ditto, ditto and ditto! I hate pop music too and went to a Christian private school at which dancing was banned. Still can't dance and I hate clubs and superficiality. Moving to Canada any time soon? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I have had a lot of trouble establishing friendships in this town. I've always been quite an oddball. I don't drink. I don't like to party. A late night ends at 11pm. I'd rather read a book than watch a movie. Hell, I don't even like pop music. So really, my chances of finding other people with similar interests are limited simply because of who I am. And that's okay. I'd rather have a long chat over coffee than get dolled up in high heels I can't walk in and dance to music I hate Ditto, ditto and ditto! I hate pop music too and went to a Christian private school at which dancing was banned. Still can't dance and I hate clubs and superficiality. Moving to Canada any time soon? I wish bipolar and travel insurance just don't mix Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wester Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I was a vegetarian growing up in the redneck south. It was a never ending hassle. All my friends and family thought I was "odd", and as my grandma liked to call me "peculiar." In short, never ending trauma. And certainly, church "suppers" were never veg friendly so I always had to chew on a piece of white bread while everyone looked at me like I was an idiot. For years I considered this normal. OK. So this is part of the reason I learned how to take care of my self and developed a rather serious and barbed f*k-em-all attitude about that scene. Real friends and responsible family don't put people through idiocy like that. And I found that most of my church friends and family turned out to be fruitcakes of the first order. So I developed the hobby of union organizing. The kind of community you develop in these situations puts the superficial church buddy experience to shame. My mom is 67 and never got over the church provides instant "good" friend schtick. She is so insecure about the social thing that she has an unconscious pathology of never being to talk about her friends as real people. Every mention of friends names becomes "my friend, X". Even after seven or eight years of friendship they are still mentioned as "my friend, X" I mean like, yes mom, this is only the 6,042nd time you mentioned your friend, but I must have forgot they were actually your friend. Cheers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I wish bipolar and travel insurance just don't mix Well, we'll just have to start the International Doc Martens Fan Club then. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 My mom is 67 and never got over the church provides instant "good" friend schtick. She is so insecure about the social thing that she has an unconscious pathology of never being to talk about her friends as real people. Every mention of friends names becomes "my friend, X". Even after seven or eight years of friendship they are still mentioned as "my friend, X" I mean like, yes mom, this is only the 6,042nd time you mentioned your friend, but I must have forgot they were actually your friend. OMG! This is the same with my mom! I could never figure out why she does this. I think you're explanation is a good one. Thanks wester! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2Honest Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Great post, VF! This is something I've found myself thinking about a lot lately, too. I'm pretty introverted and I've always been the type to only have one close friend, rather than a group of semi-close friends. I can easily be a loner but I also really enjoy hanging out with people and having a good time. My problem is that I've always felt like if I'm going to have friends they must "get me". Like, if I'm going to invest in relationships I want it to be with people I can really be myself with. I don't do "fake" and can't stand when other people aren't authentic. Of course this is why I had very few real friends in church! The only thing offered to women in church as far as socialization was "women's ministry"...the thought of which still makes me gag (and I was on the freakin leadership team!) I think you really nailed it as far as church jacking up our sense of what friendship should be. I've felt for so long like a friend has to be this person I have this really deep, meaningful relationship with. The purpose of friendships was always to "help each other in our walk with Christ". It always felt to me like becoming friends with a person was this huge commitment, and honestly it scared the hell out of me. Plus I could never find a woman (b/c of course being friends w/men was a no-no) who I really connected with. Anyway, sorry to go on. I think your post really hit a nerve with me! So maybe being friends with people doesn't have to be so damned complicated after all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VacuumFlux Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 My mom is 67 and never got over the church provides instant "good" friend schtick. I think that's a lot of what I'm finally starting to get over (in my late 20s). Close friends take work, and not every random person out there will be someone you can get along with that well. I guess I'd noticed this a while ago in the idiocy around christian dating (where being "a good christian boy/girl" is supposedly a guarantee of compatibility and the main quality to look for in a mate) but never thought through how I was being equally ridiculous to think if I was just nice enough I was supposed to become instant good friends with anyone I had one enjoyable conversation with. So maybe being friends with people doesn't have to be so damned complicated after all... I think that's what surprised me enough feel compelled to write the post! After years of trying too hard and things not working like I expected, I suddenly noticed that I ended up with a group of people I care about (and it seems mutual) just by indulging in a hobby and not trying to be best buddies with any of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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