Guest danny64 Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 I will turn forty on Friday. I’m past the middle, heading down hill I guess. I would like to say that I have learned a lot in my first forty and that I will spend the remaining years I have living better. I have learned a few lessons. The problem is, most lessons are learned the hard way, and you don’t face that point in your life again where the lesson is even relevant. I have lived long enough to make the serenity prayer a part of the way I operate. Oh I don’t have a perfect record, and I still worry, but in many cases I can quickly assess what responsibility I have in a given situation, do what I can do, and accept the outcome. It can be very liberating. In situations with my lover, my job, and my kids; realizing and stepping up to my responsibilities and my liability are no more important than recognizing areas and decisions that are not mine to govern. I like that I have made this change. My biggest regret is that I learned to settle and did it way too much. I wanted X career but settled for Y because it was easier to get that degree, cheaper, etc. I married a woman, not because I was in love or could not live without her, but because it seemed like the wise thing to do…she fit my family's idea of who I should marry, and I was moderately attracted to her. Because of that decision, I will never know what it is like to make a baby with a woman that I am crazy in love with or who is crazy in love with me. Learning from my mistakes does me no good in these areas; the opportunities were specific to a time in my life that is long gone. My deconversion six years ago resulted in so many changes. Divorce after a 15 year marriage. Moving. Losing contact with most all my friends and family. I feel this connection to likeminded people, but they are not close enough to touch or laugh with. They are people whose thoughts I read in books that are long since deceased, blogs I've read, stuff I read on this site, watch on TV, etc. Ultimately, as I am stranded here in Red State America Bible Belt Hell (hard to leave when I custody, but she has every other weekend…long story short, she would basically have to allow me to move), I am alone. I don't really mind that I lost god. I never cared much for him/her to begin with. But the loss of friends, family…the isolation that came with the knowledge…that's the hard part. Sure I would go back if I could…do things differently. If I could have had this epiphany at twenty instead of 34, my life would be a lot different. I can't change the fact that I wasted 34 years on god and "his will". I can't get back any of those opportunities from youth that have long since expired. So I will do what I can. Accept that I can't change the past. Be the best dad to my kids that I can be and be ready to let them go as they grow up and move away. Love the woman I am with as long as she will have me. Enjoy every moment that presents itself for joy, and accept the pain that comes my way as well. After all, both are as inevitable as they are temporal. I was no old friend, but a stranger. And now I leave as a stranger. (artists and lovers begin and end with empty hands) The path is black and cold, rain water stands on the sides. I must find my way in this darkness with the moon as my only friend and witness. Not even the dogs notice me. if I should stay I would only be sent away. a careful step, not to wake you with the closing door. I write my last goodbye in the fog of the windowpane so you will know I was thinking of you and that this wasn’t easy. goodbye my love. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 If I could have had this epiphany at twenty instead of 34, my life would be a lot different. I can't change the fact that I wasted 34 years on god and "his will". I can't get back any of those opportunities from youth that have long since expired. So I will do what I can. Accept that I can't change the past. Be the best dad to my kids that I can be and be ready to let them go as they grow up and move away. Love the woman I am with as long as she will have me. Enjoy every moment that presents itself for joy, and accept the pain that comes my way as well. After all, both are as inevitable as they are temporal. Danny, I hear you. I too have made most of the major decision in my life based on what I thought God wanted. These are things I cannot change, and I can only go forward. It still smarts sometimes. I started losing my faith around the same time as you. When I turned 40 I had a major epiphany and made some big decisions. I truly turned a corner. I wrote down all of my decisions and I am on track with them. One of these decisions I made was to abandon what was left of my tattered faith and embrace rationalism. It sounds like you are on track, too. Maybe take this opportunity to take stock and turn a corner. It is possible to re-invent yourself, even in little bits. I needed a couple of visits with a psychologist, too, to turn 40. No shame in that. Forty is awesome. EDIT to add: Here is a great site for making changes in your life. What better time than turning 40? http://decidingtobebetter.com/ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
traveller2 Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 Oh my friend as I sit here on my computer late at night and read your words,even tho I am in a different country i so get where you are.i feel many of the same things you express.I'm 37,deconverted 3-4 yrs ago.I wasted best part of ,well hard to say nearly 2 decades on as you say ,'giod and his will'.I too mourn those oppourtunites gone,the foolish marraige I made to a woman i never loved.No kids fortunatly for me and her and we seprated just before my deconversion.Similar reasons for marrying.I can never get back the youth and happy times I should have had.my 20's and erly 30's;what the hell was i doing.worrying about sin and hell and that,reading my bible and praying,trying to witness when I could have been out doing the things I am having to do now.feel like I am always playing catch up.Iamhaving a good time but somtimes I feel so angry that I belived that shit and wasted thos years.the sense that they can't come again.i have so many thoughts bout my forties.It only seemd like yesterday that i was 16,leaving school.i though my current age was so far away it wasn't even worth thinking about.But here I am ,trying to salvage what i can. But nowt can change this.I sound pretty depressed but am letting loose so you know ur not alone. i check myself when I feel like this as a person can go nuts and i have wasted time with depression in my past.Like I say tho i am trying to show you and others,you ain't alone. i'm on the right track now i think,better than I have ever been.I'm working on a degree,building a fun social life.I have expereinced so much love these few years of my deconversion,its been amazing.The best thing I think I can do is accept the past and when I feel these regrets is just acknowledge them and continue forward.i may have made some hellish mistakes but I wasn't the only one decieved by the foolishness of an evangelist.i also accept it was my choice to believe thjose words and i was running away from things.i am not runing now but embracing life and loving it.there have been very trying times and in the hardest of these I met my best friend,a man i knewwheni was a christian and hated.he's a nominal muslim but was th eonly one there for me when I went thru shit and was close to losing my job.What a turnaround.we've had some times in nightclubs together,he's my brother and understands what itslike to be in a closed religion. ah anyway I am rabbiting on. It was good to read your post.and yours too Positvist.i have bookmarked that website for a look at later. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest danny64 Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 Oh my friend as I sit here on my computer late at night and read your words,even tho I am in a different country i so get where you are.i feel many of the same things you express... thank you sir. nice imagery. sometimes it is good to know you are not alone, even if you are. sounds like you are putting a life together. rising from the ashes so to speak. good for you. and Positvist. thank you! i was just really low when i wrote all that stuff. im not always there. my kids (they live with me) and then my students (im a teacher) will not allow me to be low. i looked at the website you posted. and your advice...taking stock, realizing the opportunities that life still affords. good stuff. im trying. thanks again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeelHappy Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 Its sad that as we get older, we discover more of who we are and our lives would be far different. Too bad we all don't get to have a point where we get a do over in this one life we have. With that being said, no matter how much time you have left at least we all still have some life left to live it right. We can't change yesterday but we can change tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TortillaLips Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Danny, I had a similar history as you, and I went through it around the age you are at now. I am now 52, and let me assure you that things often get better. I feel a lot more joy and happiness now then at any other time of my life. One of the reason is that I dumped Christianity, and I only regret not doing it decades before. What may help you is to try to be your own best friend. Be alone but not lonely. Get into a hobby such as photography, or something. Get into art, or take a class after work. Get into running or working out. Find a nice girl and get into sex, and good times. Be the center of your life. Be a bit more selfish. Take the best care of yourself. Get into self-improvement. Get security and stability from within your self and NOT externally. Be the captain of your own domain. Get into reading. Love yourself, and if you do all this, intime you will find it impossible to feel isolated, lonely, and insecure, I promise!! Purchase some Dr. Phil DVD's on Life Strategies. Now that you no longer are burdened with Christian bullshit concepts, be the center of your world, your universe, your life. Savor it. Find true Love. Words from someone that went through it, been there, done that....I'm so happy and my life is filled with joy...I wish the same for you!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest danny64 Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 Danny, I had a similar history as you, and I went through it around the age you are at now. I am now 52, and let me assure you that things often get better. I feel a lot more joy and happiness now then at any other time of my life. One of the reason is that I dumped Christianity, and I only regret not doing it decades before. What may help you is to try to be your own best friend. Be alone but not lonely. Get into a hobby such as photography, or something. Get into art, or take a class after work. Get into running or working out. Find a nice girl and get into sex, and good times. Be the center of your life. Be a bit more selfish. Take the best care of yourself. Get into self-improvement. Get security and stability from within your self and NOT externally. Be the captain of your own domain. Get into reading. Love yourself, and if you do all this, intime you will find it impossible to feel isolated, lonely, and insecure, I promise!! Purchase some Dr. Phil DVD's on Life Strategies. Now that you no longer are burdened with Christian bullshit concepts, be the center of your world, your universe, your life. Savor it. Find true Love. Words from someone that went through it, been there, done that....I'm so happy and my life is filled with joy...I wish the same for you!! wow. thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owen652 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 wow, reading your post was like reading the story of my own life. I'm nearly 39 and I have so many regrets; I feel very angry, both at myself and at the church, for all those wasted years that I cannot get back. All that time spent cowering in fear and self-loathing, and so many missed opportunities of happiness. Deconversion is a start to the process, and I am slowly regaining my life, although there are some things you cannot change, for example, as you said, when you have kids you cannot just up and move away or anything like that. Acceptance of fate, and learning to find joy in the present moment, is so important. I don't claim to have mastered the techniques to achieve joy in simpliciy yet, but it is exciting and challenging to learn these new ways of interacting with the world, instead of clinging to a simplistic faith that enslaves and corrupts the human heart. thank you so much for your post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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