My Story :)

[suzie]

I've been visiting this site quite a lot lately, so I guess its time for me to finally post my story I'll start by apologising in advance for my writing skills- I've never been a great writer and I am writing this at 2am while on night duty (naughty me lol).

I am 23 and was raised in a Catholic family in a small farming community in Australia. My family were never very strict catholics, we went to mass almost once a week, said grace before meals etc. I never really thought about hell, the way my mum spoke most people would go to heaven anyway (she believes in a very loving God). My mum was raised a Catholic and my dad was Anglican, but they both identify as Catholics now. I have 2 sisters (one is very atheist and the other a devout non-denominational Christian) and a brother who attends Christian youth group but I'm not really sure what his exact beliefs are. I am also in a relationship with a guy who identifies as very strongly Atheist!

Up until about November last year I was basically Agnostic... I kinda thought that the Christian belief system was silly, and I'd never really read the Bible or paid attention in mass... I just went with my family to keep my mum happy

In November last year, I was being naughty on night duty again and was reading ghost stories and the like to keep myself awake in the early hours of the morning. I decided to read about the end of the world in 2012, so I googled it and came across a Christian website which was basically refuting all the supposed theories of the apocalypse this year (this sounds crazy i know...) then a popup came up: "Want to know something more scary than the end of the world in 2012?" so of course, I clicked the link, which took me to a page all about Hell, basically telling me that I would be going to Hell...

Long story short... that website freaked me out so much that I became obsessed with God, Hell and religion. I was TERRIFIED of going to Hell, and was convinced that since i was sleeping with my boyfriend and about to move in with him (which hasn't happened yet) I would be going there. I basically went into a deep depression, spent two whole weeks not doing much more than crying and panicking, stopped eating (who wants to eat when you are convinced that when you die you will suffer an eternity of immense pain), lost 5 kilograms (which is a lot for someone who has always been told I am too skinny!), went for days without getting a wink of sleep and completely withdrew from my relationship. I read lots of Christian websites, and talked to Christian friends. Only one of these told me I would be going to hell unless I stopped what I was doing, another told me I should ask my partner to wait for marriage (his answer was a big fat no!) but as long as I asked for forgiveness I would be OK, another (who lives and sleeps with her atheist boyfriend) told me that she feels guilty for not waiting for marriage, but doesn't want to go backwards in her relationship with her partner. she says that when she prays she knows God forgives her. My best friend (who converted to Christianity when she married a Christian) told me to just keep doing it and repent when I get married! When I told my Mum what I was going through, at first she thought it was about my partner, that he'd upset me and this was just my way of reacting (mum has never liked my partner!). He was actually VERY supportive, coming over to my house every night, cooking me dinner, making me eat, listening to me, reassuring me and cuddling me for hours on end When mum finally realised that it wasn't about him, she bacame more supportive, reassuring me that God loved me and that there was "no way God would send such a beautiful person to hell" (awww). She put up with my constant phone calls and told me that all she really cared about was my happiness She also told me I should move in with my partner if that was what I really wanted.

I also spoke to my little sister (the Christian one) ,she gave me a Bible... which really wasn't the best thing for her to do! I spent hours sitting on my lounge reading her Bible and crying about the things I read. Every now and then I would find a nice, reassuring verse, but that would only keep me happy for a little while before I started focusing on the bad things I'd read again.

The Christian websites I read scared me too. I kept finding things about Christian beliefs that I'd never even known... for example Mortal sins in the Catholic church... I decided that since I'd had sex outside of marriage, and since that was a Mortal (unforgiveable) sin, there was no hope for me, I would be going to Hell regardless. Another thing that scared me was that you could not get forgiven for blasphemy... so I was definitely going to Hell

I think the things that scared me the MOST though, were the prophesies about the world ending (this was how I'd stumbled back into Christianity in the first place, after all). When I was growing up, I never even knew the Bible included these prophesies... I read into them, read all the websites explaining how the end times are now etc... and got even more scared! the bits that scared me most (and still scare me a bit now) were the parts in Mark (I think, there's no way I'm letting myself pick up a Bible to look up the reference... I'll probably just find something else in there to scare myself with!) about the signs of the end times- specifically people turning away from their faith (from what I've seen this is happening quite a bit) and earthquakes in various places- every time I see another earthquake on the news I start to panic again.

Then... I found this site!! i read and read, couldn't get enough of it! I felt so reassured- the logic on here just makes sense to me Now I feel almost back to normal I still feel scared from time to time... I think about what will happen if I'm wrong, and wonder if Christianity is true, but mostly I'm back to my happy self my sex life (which pretty much became extinct!) is starting to go back to normal (although I do still feel guilty from time to time). Sorry if thats too much information haha! Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone who posts on this site, you have hepled me come out of the darkest period of my life and I am very grateful for that! I am still scared of going back to that dark period, but I'm trying my hardest not to

....I'm really not good at writing conclusions so I'll just leave it at that. Thanks Ex-Christians!

[REBOOT]

WOW !!

 

Let's hope this site let's you separate the signal from the noise !

 

From the looks of it you've been the victim of Christian terrorism. Indoctrination through fear and intimidation is despicable. Building on rational foundations is the way to go !

 

Congrats on winning a battle that could have left deep psychological scars.

[suzie]

Thanks Reboot!

At least now I know that this site exists... everytime I read or see something that freaks me out I just log on and almost instantly feel reassured haha

[FeelHappy]

I could be wrong (I never was a catholic), but I think with mortal sins you can repent, but they MUST be confessed to a priest which can them absolve them. If you die in a state of mortal sin you go to hell, or something like that. Masturbation is mortal sin, I get a chuckle imagining myself as a teenage boy (assuming I was catholic) having to repeatedly go to confession, then I realize the horror of actually having to feel that way and the guilt.

 

As for the bible, during my fundi days, I remember always telling people to start with the New Testament, often I'd give away only new testaments because I was so ashamed of the confusing stuff in the old testament (by confusing I mean horrible). Its amazing what one will tell themselves if they want to believe something.

 

Anyways welcome and good luck on your journey out of religion.

[blackpudd1n]

Welcome home, Suzie You're among friends here, and you'll get far more honest answers here about the bible and all the crap in it than you ever will at church or from a christian. So whatever's bothering you, just start a thread and ask your questions. There's plenty of help and knowledge going around here

 

Not only that, but it's good to see another Aussie on here! Where are you from, if you don't mind me asking? I live in Coffs Harbour I always have this little hope whenever another Aussie joins that maybe, just maybe, they might live nearby lol. I get jealous of the Americans on the site who get to meet each other. I want to meet other ex-c members!!! So I'm going to go now, and fantasize about meeting other members lol. Eventually I'll get down to Sydney and meet some of the other peeps

[TrueFreedom]

Welcome, Suzie! Thanks for sharing. You went through a lot in a short period of time! I'm glad that you got over it so quickly! Many of us agonized over that stuff for years.

[suzie]

Thanks everyone for your support its nice to be able to finally tell my story without fear of being judged

 

FeelHappy: When my sister gave me the Bible, she basically told me not to bother reading the OT... I was pretty confused, I thought Christianity was based on the Bible! Then I actually read parts of the OT and realised why she told me not to bother haha.

 

Blackpudd1n: NO WAY!!! I live in Coffs too!!! I moved here a few years ago Lol what are you doing up at 330am?!

 

TrueFreedom: I don't think I'm fully over it yet, but I do feel like I'm over the worst of it Hopefully I can keep recovering!

[Mitzer]

Hi, Suzie, thanks for sharing your story and welcome! These are the two major things, IMO, that reveal the falseness of the bible being valid in the reality of God. A loving God...oh, really?? Read the OT, see how much "love" there is being shown...lol...yeah, right. The other is God's omniscience. He knows everything...past, future and present. And so he goes ahead and creates this world anyway with all the mistakes...from letting Eve be tempted by the serpent to letting Adam and Eve produce children, most of whose descendants became so "wicked" he had to kill what could have been millions with a flood. Must be a very sadistict being to go ahead and do that when he had to have fully known all this...if he truly is omniscient.

 

What TrueFreedom said is SOOOOO true! Glad you've come to reality!

[Eugene39]

Suzie, Thanks for posting your story. You were certainly not alone in the fear of hell. I spent much of my childhood dealing with it and whether or not God would kill me and send me there was the most terrifying part of my loosing faith. Sounds like you're well on your way to being better, and am giving you two thumbs up! Welcome to Ex-C.

[NeverAgainV]

Welcome Suzie & soo glad you found us!

 

Thank you for sharing some of your experiences with us. I could relate to the fear element for sure.

You are doing good by forgetting about the bible because it's one abusive book.

In my experience with bible religion/xianity specifically, is the fear factors pile up sky high - never ending. If it's not a "real" sin...it's a "thought crime" sin...a person can never have any peace about themselves because they are always viewed as defective from the bible standpoint. You have already experienced this as for every good verse you read, there are dozens of judgmental/bad verses leaving you feeling defective & worthless. Who needs that?

 

At first when I believed, the fear of hell was abated, but then the rules & more rules were piled on & I realized that just by my existing I'd be offending "bible god".

 

Fear of hell was one of the reasons I became a bible thumping christian. Looking back on it I think it's really despicable that any loving "god" would use FEAR to force people to "accept" or "believe" in it.

I also thought, if one is a perfect being...one would not need to be continuously worshipped non-stop. I mean, I'm no god & I certainly don't expect my kids to worship me...the whole non-stop worship seems so egotistical & NOT something a good god would expect or even desire. I think a perfect god would be satisfied in & of itself & not have to rely on constant worship to built it's ego. And the whole "I am a jealous god..."

Don't even get me started on that, except I'll say that "jealousy, envy" is not a desirable trait in a human. How much less desirable the trait of "envy/jealousy" in a god!

 

Like Eugene, when I left the bible cult per the pastor's threats of god's judgments I was terrified...that god would kill me, kill my family, curses, go to hell...but that was the brainwashing because deep down

I didn't believe that any GOOD God would do that to me just because I left a church I no longer agreed with. If there is a GOOD God, if you ask me, it isn't bible god.

 

I can be longwinded, but I just wanted you to realize that others have been where you are. I'm glad you found us!!! Peace & a ((hug))

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, Suzie, and welcome to ExC.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you went through so much fear. There are a lot of threads on ExC which deal with issues like the fear of hell and the fear of end-times. A lot of people who come here have such fears and are trying to work through them. The good news is that the vast majority of people get past it with time. Others, the minority, sometimes struggle a little longer. The really good news is that hell does not exist and the end-times things you have read are all baloney (or is that balogna? ). Think about earthquakes since you mentioned them. We know the reason for them from a geological standpoint and they have happened for the whole four billion years the earth has been around. They're not much of a sign of anything other than the fact that our earth's crust is constantly shifting.

 

Glad you're here and looking forward to hearing more from you.

[suzie]

Hi, Suzie, thanks for sharing your story and welcome! These are the two major things, IMO, that reveal the falseness of the bible being valid in the reality of God. A loving God...oh, really?? Read the OT, see how much "love" there is being shown...lol...yeah, right. The other is God's omniscience. He knows everything...past, future and present. And so he goes ahead and creates this world anyway with all the mistakes...from letting Eve be tempted by the serpent to letting Adam and Eve produce children, most of whose descendants became so "wicked" he had to kill what could have been millions with a flood. Must be a very sadistict being to go ahead and do that when he had to have fully known all this...if he truly is omniscient.

 

What TrueFreedom said is SOOOOO true! Glad you've come to reality!

What you're saying just sounds so logical... but a part of me is still scared that maybe it is true and that I've just got it all wrong... Aargh life was so simple before I started thinking about religion!!

Suzie, Thanks for posting your story. You were certainly not alone in the fear of hell. I spent much of my childhood dealing with it and whether or not God would kill me and send me there was the most terrifying part of my loosing faith. Sounds like you're well on your way to being better, and am giving you two thumbs up! Welcome to Ex-C.

I'm really glad I didn't grow up believing in hell... At least now I have 23 years of (mostly secular) education behind me. I was shocked when I started reading about religion and realised that they teach Creationism in some American schools! Of course the poor kids are going to believe in that stuff if they are taught it from such a young age at school Even when I was at a Catholic primary school (only for one year) I remember learning about evolution.

Welcome Suzie & soo glad you found us!

 

Thank you for sharing some of your experiences with us. I could relate to the fear element for sure.

You are doing good by forgetting about the bible because it's one abusive book.

In my experience with bible religion/xianity specifically, is the fear factors pile up sky high - never ending. If it's not a "real" sin...it's a "thought crime" sin...a person can never have any peace about themselves because they are always viewed as defective from the bible standpoint. You have already experienced this as for every good verse you read, there are dozens of judgmental/bad verses leaving you feeling defective & worthless. Who needs that?

 

At first when I believed, the fear of hell was abated, but then the rules & more rules were piled on & I realized that just by my existing I'd be offending "bible god".

 

Fear of hell was one of the reasons I became a bible thumping christian. Looking back on it I think it's really despicable that any loving "god" would use FEAR to force people to "accept" or "believe" in it.

I also thought, if one is a perfect being...one would not need to be continuously worshipped non-stop. I mean, I'm no god & I certainly don't expect my kids to worship me...the whole non-stop worship seems so egotistical & NOT something a good god would expect or even desire. I think a perfect god would be satisfied in & of itself & not have to rely on constant worship to built it's ego. And the whole "I am a jealous god..."

Don't even get me started on that, except I'll say that "jealousy, envy" is not a desirable trait in a human. How much less desirable the trait of "envy/jealousy" in a god!

 

Like Eugene, when I left the bible cult per the pastor's threats of god's judgments I was terrified...that god would kill me, kill my family, curses, go to hell...but that was the brainwashing because deep down

I didn't believe that any GOOD God would do that to me just because I left a church I no longer agreed with. If there is a GOOD God, if you ask me, it isn't bible god.

 

I can be longwinded, but I just wanted you to realize that others have been where you are. I'm glad you found us!!! Peace & a ((hug))

When I actually read the Bible, I was shocked at all the horrible, cruel things God does... it really conflicted with the idea of a loving God that my mum brought me up with. The fear caused me to seriously think about becoming Christian again... i tried going to Mass with my family but just started panicking and spent the rest of the day crying. When I really think about it, if there is a God, and if he does judge us, wouldn't it be most logical to not let anyone know you were there, then judge people on whether they lived a good life just for the sake of being good, rather than being good to avoid punishment or gain reward after death?? I think there are a lot of Christians out there who are probably only Christian out of fear... which is really sad

Hi, Suzie, and welcome to ExC.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you went through so much fear. There are a lot of threads on ExC which deal with issues like the fear of hell and the fear of end-times. A lot of people who come here have such fears and are trying to work through them. The good news is that the vast majority of people get past it with time. Others, the minority, sometimes struggle a little longer. The really good news is that hell does not exist and the end-times things you have read are all baloney (or is that balogna? ). Think about earthquakes since you mentioned them. We know the reason for them from a geological standpoint and they have happened for the whole four billion years the earth has been around. They're not much of a sign of anything other than the fact that our earth's crust is constantly shifting.

 

Glad you're here and looking forward to hearing more from you.

Thanks Overcame Faith I think the thing with the earthquakes that scares me is that they seem to be happening so much more lately... I never remember hearing about so many when I was growing up... maybe I was just ignorant though! I actually found one of your posts about hell this morning when I got home from work

 

Thanks everyone for all your support

[blackpudd1n]

Blackpudd1n: NO WAY!!! I live in Coffs too!!! I moved here a few years ago Lol what are you doing up at 330am?!

 

I am just SOOOO excited right now!! I'm hearing GJ's South calling for COFFEE! I moved here at the end of '08.

 

I was up 'cause I'm a bit of a night owl

 

This is just way too cool

[suzie]

Blackpudd1n: NO WAY!!! I live in Coffs too!!! I moved here a few years ago Lol what are you doing up at 330am?!

 

I am just SOOOO excited right now!! I'm hearing GJ's South calling for COFFEE! I moved here at the end of '08.

 

I was up 'cause I'm a bit of a night owl

 

This is just way too cool

Haha this is awesome!! I moved here at the start of 2010 GJ's coffee is definitely in order

I wish I was a night owl... would make night duty a whole lot easier!!

[blackpudd1n]

Haha this is awesome!! I moved here at the start of 2010 GJ's coffee is definitely in order

I wish I was a night owl... would make night duty a whole lot easier!!

 

Where did you move from? I came here from Sydney, but I spent my teenage years in Tamworth.

[rain]

Blackpudd1n: NO WAY!!! I live in Coffs too!!! I moved here a few years ago Lol what are you doing up at 330am?!

 

I am just SOOOO excited right now!! I'm hearing GJ's South calling for COFFEE! I moved here at the end of '08.

 

I was up 'cause I'm a bit of a night owl

 

This is just way too cool

 

WOW Blackpudd1n, although i have yet to respond to any of your other posts, i read them and am so excited for you to meet suzie. What are the chances..........the FSM must have been listening !!! LOL

[rain]

oh and suzie welcome to ex-C.

[Spectrox]

I've been visiting this site quite a lot lately, so I guess its time for me to finally post my story I'll start by apologising in advance for my writing skills- I've never been a great writer and I am writing this at 2am while on night duty (naughty me lol).

I am 23 and was raised in a Catholic family in a small farming community in Australia. My family were never very strict catholics, we went to mass almost once a week, said grace before meals etc. I never really thought about hell, the way my mum spoke most people would go to heaven anyway (she believes in a very loving God). My mum was raised a Catholic and my dad was Anglican, but they both identify as Catholics now. I have 2 sisters (one is very atheist and the other a devout non-denominational Christian) and a brother who attends Christian youth group but I'm not really sure what his exact beliefs are. I am also in a relationship with a guy who identifies as very strongly Atheist!

Up until about November last year I was basically Agnostic... I kinda thought that the Christian belief system was silly, and I'd never really read the Bible or paid attention in mass... I just went with my family to keep my mum happy

In November last year, I was being naughty on night duty again and was reading ghost stories and the like to keep myself awake in the early hours of the morning. I decided to read about the end of the world in 2012, so I googled it and came across a Christian website which was basically refuting all the supposed theories of the apocalypse this year (this sounds crazy i know...) then a popup came up: "Want to know something more scary than the end of the world in 2012?" so of course, I clicked the link, which took me to a page all about Hell, basically telling me that I would be going to Hell...

Long story short... that website freaked me out so much that I became obsessed with God, Hell and religion. I was TERRIFIED of going to Hell, and was convinced that since i was sleeping with my boyfriend and about to move in with him (which hasn't happened yet) I would be going there. I basically went into a deep depression, spent two whole weeks not doing much more than crying and panicking, stopped eating (who wants to eat when you are convinced that when you die you will suffer an eternity of immense pain), lost 5 kilograms (which is a lot for someone who has always been told I am too skinny!), went for days without getting a wink of sleep and completely withdrew from my relationship. I read lots of Christian websites, and talked to Christian friends. Only one of these told me I would be going to hell unless I stopped what I was doing, another told me I should ask my partner to wait for marriage (his answer was a big fat no!) but as long as I asked for forgiveness I would be OK, another (who lives and sleeps with her atheist boyfriend) told me that she feels guilty for not waiting for marriage, but doesn't want to go backwards in her relationship with her partner. she says that when she prays she knows God forgives her. My best friend (who converted to Christianity when she married a Christian) told me to just keep doing it and repent when I get married! When I told my Mum what I was going through, at first she thought it was about my partner, that he'd upset me and this was just my way of reacting (mum has never liked my partner!). He was actually VERY supportive, coming over to my house every night, cooking me dinner, making me eat, listening to me, reassuring me and cuddling me for hours on end When mum finally realised that it wasn't about him, she bacame more supportive, reassuring me that God loved me and that there was "no way God would send such a beautiful person to hell" (awww). She put up with my constant phone calls and told me that all she really cared about was my happiness She also told me I should move in with my partner if that was what I really wanted.

I also spoke to my little sister (the Christian one) ,she gave me a Bible... which really wasn't the best thing for her to do! I spent hours sitting on my lounge reading her Bible and crying about the things I read. Every now and then I would find a nice, reassuring verse, but that would only keep me happy for a little while before I started focusing on the bad things I'd read again.

The Christian websites I read scared me too. I kept finding things about Christian beliefs that I'd never even known... for example Mortal sins in the Catholic church... I decided that since I'd had sex outside of marriage, and since that was a Mortal (unforgiveable) sin, there was no hope for me, I would be going to Hell regardless. Another thing that scared me was that you could not get forgiven for blasphemy... so I was definitely going to Hell

I think the things that scared me the MOST though, were the prophesies about the world ending (this was how I'd stumbled back into Christianity in the first place, after all). When I was growing up, I never even knew the Bible included these prophesies... I read into them, read all the websites explaining how the end times are now etc... and got even more scared! the bits that scared me most (and still scare me a bit now) were the parts in Mark (I think, there's no way I'm letting myself pick up a Bible to look up the reference... I'll probably just find something else in there to scare myself with!) about the signs of the end times- specifically people turning away from their faith (from what I've seen this is happening quite a bit) and earthquakes in various places- every time I see another earthquake on the news I start to panic again.

Then... I found this site!! i read and read, couldn't get enough of it! I felt so reassured- the logic on here just makes sense to me Now I feel almost back to normal I still feel scared from time to time... I think about what will happen if I'm wrong, and wonder if Christianity is true, but mostly I'm back to my happy self my sex life (which pretty much became extinct!) is starting to go back to normal (although I do still feel guilty from time to time). Sorry if thats too much information haha! Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone who posts on this site, you have hepled me come out of the darkest period of my life and I am very grateful for that! I am still scared of going back to that dark period, but I'm trying my hardest not to

....I'm really not good at writing conclusions so I'll just leave it at that. Thanks Ex-Christians!

 

Brilliant story Suzie. Your inner struggle and honesty shone through in your account. Well done for getting to where you are now.

 

"A life lived in fear is a life half-lived."

[blackpudd1n]

Blackpudd1n: NO WAY!!! I live in Coffs too!!! I moved here a few years ago Lol what are you doing up at 330am?!

 

I am just SOOOO excited right now!! I'm hearing GJ's South calling for COFFEE! I moved here at the end of '08.

 

I was up 'cause I'm a bit of a night owl

 

This is just way too cool

 

WOW Blackpudd1n, although i have yet to respond to any of your other posts, i read them and am so excited for you to meet suzie. What are the chances..........the FSM must have been listening !!! LOL

 

I know, I am so excited This town isn't that big to begin with, and we're like six hours north of Sydney, and at least four hours south of Brisbane- I just can't believe it lol

[suzie]

oh and suzie welcome to ex-C.

Thanks!! So glad I found this site

[suzie]

I've been visiting this site quite a lot lately, so I guess its time for me to finally post my story I'll start by apologising in advance for my writing skills- I've never been a great writer and I am writing this at 2am while on night duty (naughty me lol).

I am 23 and was raised in a Catholic family in a small farming community in Australia. My family were never very strict catholics, we went to mass almost once a week, said grace before meals etc. I never really thought about hell, the way my mum spoke most people would go to heaven anyway (she believes in a very loving God). My mum was raised a Catholic and my dad was Anglican, but they both identify as Catholics now. I have 2 sisters (one is very atheist and the other a devout non-denominational Christian) and a brother who attends Christian youth group but I'm not really sure what his exact beliefs are. I am also in a relationship with a guy who identifies as very strongly Atheist!

Up until about November last year I was basically Agnostic... I kinda thought that the Christian belief system was silly, and I'd never really read the Bible or paid attention in mass... I just went with my family to keep my mum happy

In November last year, I was being naughty on night duty again and was reading ghost stories and the like to keep myself awake in the early hours of the morning. I decided to read about the end of the world in 2012, so I googled it and came across a Christian website which was basically refuting all the supposed theories of the apocalypse this year (this sounds crazy i know...) then a popup came up: "Want to know something more scary than the end of the world in 2012?" so of course, I clicked the link, which took me to a page all about Hell, basically telling me that I would be going to Hell...

Long story short... that website freaked me out so much that I became obsessed with God, Hell and religion. I was TERRIFIED of going to Hell, and was convinced that since i was sleeping with my boyfriend and about to move in with him (which hasn't happened yet) I would be going there. I basically went into a deep depression, spent two whole weeks not doing much more than crying and panicking, stopped eating (who wants to eat when you are convinced that when you die you will suffer an eternity of immense pain), lost 5 kilograms (which is a lot for someone who has always been told I am too skinny!), went for days without getting a wink of sleep and completely withdrew from my relationship. I read lots of Christian websites, and talked to Christian friends. Only one of these told me I would be going to hell unless I stopped what I was doing, another told me I should ask my partner to wait for marriage (his answer was a big fat no!) but as long as I asked for forgiveness I would be OK, another (who lives and sleeps with her atheist boyfriend) told me that she feels guilty for not waiting for marriage, but doesn't want to go backwards in her relationship with her partner. she says that when she prays she knows God forgives her. My best friend (who converted to Christianity when she married a Christian) told me to just keep doing it and repent when I get married! When I told my Mum what I was going through, at first she thought it was about my partner, that he'd upset me and this was just my way of reacting (mum has never liked my partner!). He was actually VERY supportive, coming over to my house every night, cooking me dinner, making me eat, listening to me, reassuring me and cuddling me for hours on end When mum finally realised that it wasn't about him, she bacame more supportive, reassuring me that God loved me and that there was "no way God would send such a beautiful person to hell" (awww). She put up with my constant phone calls and told me that all she really cared about was my happiness She also told me I should move in with my partner if that was what I really wanted.

I also spoke to my little sister (the Christian one) ,she gave me a Bible... which really wasn't the best thing for her to do! I spent hours sitting on my lounge reading her Bible and crying about the things I read. Every now and then I would find a nice, reassuring verse, but that would only keep me happy for a little while before I started focusing on the bad things I'd read again.

The Christian websites I read scared me too. I kept finding things about Christian beliefs that I'd never even known... for example Mortal sins in the Catholic church... I decided that since I'd had sex outside of marriage, and since that was a Mortal (unforgiveable) sin, there was no hope for me, I would be going to Hell regardless. Another thing that scared me was that you could not get forgiven for blasphemy... so I was definitely going to Hell

I think the things that scared me the MOST though, were the prophesies about the world ending (this was how I'd stumbled back into Christianity in the first place, after all). When I was growing up, I never even knew the Bible included these prophesies... I read into them, read all the websites explaining how the end times are now etc... and got even more scared! the bits that scared me most (and still scare me a bit now) were the parts in Mark (I think, there's no way I'm letting myself pick up a Bible to look up the reference... I'll probably just find something else in there to scare myself with!) about the signs of the end times- specifically people turning away from their faith (from what I've seen this is happening quite a bit) and earthquakes in various places- every time I see another earthquake on the news I start to panic again.

Then... I found this site!! i read and read, couldn't get enough of it! I felt so reassured- the logic on here just makes sense to me Now I feel almost back to normal I still feel scared from time to time... I think about what will happen if I'm wrong, and wonder if Christianity is true, but mostly I'm back to my happy self my sex life (which pretty much became extinct!) is starting to go back to normal (although I do still feel guilty from time to time). Sorry if thats too much information haha! Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone who posts on this site, you have hepled me come out of the darkest period of my life and I am very grateful for that! I am still scared of going back to that dark period, but I'm trying my hardest not to

....I'm really not good at writing conclusions so I'll just leave it at that. Thanks Ex-Christians!

 

Brilliant story Suzie. Your inner struggle and honesty shone through in your account. Well done for getting to where you are now.

 

"A life lived in fear is a life half-lived."

Thanks!! I felt quite vulnerable posting this so its nice to hear positive feedback!!

[suzie]

Blackpudd1n: NO WAY!!! I live in Coffs too!!! I moved here a few years ago Lol what are you doing up at 330am?!

 

I am just SOOOO excited right now!! I'm hearing GJ's South calling for COFFEE! I moved here at the end of '08.

 

I was up 'cause I'm a bit of a night owl

 

This is just way too cool

 

WOW Blackpudd1n, although i have yet to respond to any of your other posts, i read them and am so excited for you to meet suzie. What are the chances..........the FSM must have been listening !!! LOL

 

I know, I am so excited This town isn't that big to begin with, and we're like six hours north of Sydney, and at least four hours south of Brisbane- I just can't believe it lol

Its CRAZY!!! We literally live within walking distance of each other!!

[sarahinprogress]

Welcome to ex-c! You should definitely NOT feel guilty for things that are totally normal and natural for you to desire!

[TortillaLips]

Susie, the strange thing is, the advise that you were given by your Christian friends was wrong...most Christians don't even know their own theology....Athiest know it better actually....Suzie, I will let you in on a dirty little secret which should make you feel less isolated: Perhaps 99% of your Christian friends are atheists too; they just don't realize it yet, and unlike you, don't have the courage to face this fact out of fear of being cast into the eternal lake of fire. If you look at their behavior, ethics, you will see that their no different than anyone else. And in fact, your country, the UK, Scotland, and many other first world countries are full of such "Christians".

[2Honest]

Welcome, susie! Love your username, or real name - whichever it is. I've always secretly wished my name was susie! It's just so dang cute!

 

Anyway, thanks for sharing your story with us. I'm so sorry you've been subjected to so much torment over all of that religious garbage! I'm glad you are takin' out the trash!

 

And yippee for you and Pudd! Y'all must tell us all about your first coffee together!