My Coming Out Letter To My Friend/former Pastor

[2Honest]

(I will probably use a form of this letter for coming out to my family members, as well.)

 

This is written to a woman who was a close friend and the wife of the pastor of our former church. For some background on what's been going on with this relationship, see this post.

 

http://www.ex-christ...-former-pastor/

 

 

 

 

 

-------Letter Below--------

 

P,

 

First I want to apologize for being so silent the past few months. If it has come across in any way as a personal rejection of you, I am sorry. I’ve really just been taking time to myself to heal and grow.

 

 

I’ve been watching the dialogue between you and Jason from the sidelines and just wanted to share with you the journey I’ve been on. I know it must seem so unreal to you that we would end up here. It still seems unreal to us, too! And I guess that’s the first point I want to make – that I am at the same place Jason is. But I didn’t get here b/c of him, in fact I got here before he did – without him even knowing about it.

 

A year ago if anyone had told me that this was going to happen – that Jason and I would lose the faith we’d had our entire lives, I would have NEVER believed them. In the past when I heard of anyone I knew leaving the faith I could not understand it. I would feel so sorry for them. I always felt like unbelievers must feel so lost and so miserable (even if they didn’t know it). And yet, here I am now…an unbeliever. And I am not lost and I am not miserable. In fact I am more at peace and more happy than I’ve ever been.

 

Last October I had gotten to a place of absolute misery. I really felt like I was losing my mind. I had trusted and deeply loved God for many, many years. I’d come to know him as my father and closest friend. I believed in his absolute goodness. I believed what the Bible said and placed all my bets on it. I went all in, no holding back. You know me well enough to know that this is the truth. I fully believed God was healing me, and had this confirmed by several other believers. But I wasn’t getting well. No matter how much I believed it and “lived above it”, I was getting worse – not better.

 

I got to a place that I could no longer deny the reality of what was happening. It was my denial of this physical reality that was making me crazy. And I have to clarify that I wasn’t denying my symptoms b/c I thought that’s the way to get healed. I wasn’t trying to do the “word of faith” thing. And I was not “anti-doctor” or medical care, I was just following what I truly believed God was saying to me and to others about me. I lived so completely in the “spirit reality” that I believed my body would respond and become healthy purely by God’s love and grace for me. I genuinely believed in God’s goodness – I really believed I just needed to rest in him and trust him. But I could no longer rest in his goodness when my body was screaming at me that I was not ok.

 

So, back to last October. My symptoms had become much worse and I could no longer believe I was being healed. I had become depressed and so confused. I lived in this frustrated and confused state because what I believed to be true and what was actually happening were so completely opposite. I continually asked God to show me, to help me understand. I cried out to him, I so desperately needed him to intervene. But again there was nothing. I could no longer just go on a feeling or a word. I needed him to actually DO what I believed he’d said he had done and would do. I needed a tangible thing to actually happen. But there was nothing.

 

My choice was to double down for the hundredth time, to surrender my frustration and suspend my judgment once again despite all evidence…or to really question. I could not bring myself to surrender again. I literally felt like if I did I would lose my mind. I had to allow myself to really question what I believed, to allow myself to look objectively at my situation and to use my brain. I fully believed that this questioning would actually lead me to a greater truth – I believed there must be a missing link or revelation I just wasn’t getting. In my mind, I was the only variable – god could not possibly be the problem. I questioned while asking god to please show me, to reveal to me what I must be missing…to meet me in this place of confusion.

 

But to my astonishment, as soon as I really questioned, things started to crumble right before my eyes. It was like I realized I’d been living in Narnia and found myself back in the coat closet, only to realize there was never really a Narnia at all…I’d just fallen asleep in there and dreamed it all up. I asked god to take me back there, to make it all real to me again. But it was gone and so was he. It reminded me of when I was around 9 or 10 years old. I tried playing with my Barbie’s and realized I could no longer pretend. I knew they weren’t real and couldn’t make up their imaginary world anymore.

 

I realized the god I’d been worshipping was a god I created myself. He was what I wanted him to be. He really was amazing and wonderful, but that’s because I painted him that way, not because it was what the Bible portrayed him to be. (The fact is, the Bible does not actually portray him to be that loving, but explaining that is not the purpose of this letter.) I then created this whole world that revolved around my perception of him. My RAS was set to only see him that way, and to only see evidence to back that up. But that only worked as long as I didn’t expect evidence that was tangible and unexplainable by any other means. When my image of him grew more powerful (based on New Testament Biblical accounts) it fell apart.

 

At that point I could no longer go back. I couldn’t go back to believing in “the Kingdom” the way I did before. Maybe to you this was me making a judgment or a choice not to believe. But I am telling you, I had no other choice. Once I saw it, I couldn’t un-see it. At that point the only way to go back would have been to somehow suspend all logic and reason. So I guess if choosing to remain sane and use logic is “making a judgment”, then maybe that IS what I did. I couldn’t subject myself to believing something that I knew wasn’t true. It was literally hurting me emotionally, mentally and physically to keep believing.

 

No, this was not a choice that I made. Why would I choose this? Why would I choose to leave the dream world where everything is promised to turn out great in the end? Why would I choose to walk away from a whole community of people who believe the same way? Why would I choose to leave friends who love me? Why would I choose a life of having people misunderstand me? Why would I choose to believe differently than my family, friends, and let alone the majority of my country? Why would I choose to give up on the hope that my illness would be miraculously cured? Why would I choose to walk away from believing in an all-loving, all-powerful god who I was my friend?

 

Who would choose any of that?

 

I didn’t. I simply had to accept what I knew to be true, no matter what the consequences were. That being said, even though this change in my beliefs has come at a cost to me – I do not regret it. I am being true to myself and I’m genuinely happy with where I am in my life.

 

I have to admit that not long ago if I were reading this I would think that the person writing was just mad at god and hurt because he didn’t heal her. That is not the case. I didn’t get to the point of “denying god” b/c of anger or being hurt. As I said, I got there b/c my experience didn’t line up with my belief system. The resulting cognitive dissonance that it caused made it impossible for me to continue believing. Further investigation proved to me that if I had continued believing it would have done damage to me and my psyche. And I should also say that am not being deceived by an invisible being who is messing with my mind and causing me to be too rational.

 

I could have included a lot more detail here about my journey and my reasons, but this is already getting too long. I just wanted to let you in on where I’m at. I wanted to convey to you that this is not something that I’ve taken lightly, and it has been my own personal path. This was a several month long process. While it has been difficult at times, it has been extremely liberating. The result has been that I am more at peace with myself and with the world.

 

My other purpose for writing to you is to help you see inside the head of someone who has walked down this road. I know that you are passionate about reaching unbelievers and I think it might be helpful for you to see them in a different way. I never, ever thought I’d be on this side of the fence. And yet, here I am. I just think it’s important not to make assumptions about people who have come to this place. I know I made my share of judgments of unbelievers in my day. I thought I had “grace” for them, but really I had no clue who they really were or what their journey was like. And honestly I don’t even think that it is possible for a believer to really understand it. But hopefully I have conveyed it in a meaningful way.

 

I do love you and I hope that you know I am still the same April. I am still creative, imaginative, quirky, and fun. I still see the world as a beautiful place, probably even more than I ever have. I am still perceptive, compassionate and loving. I am still honest (maybe a little too honest!). It’s my hope that you will always see me this way.

 

Much love,

April

[freeasabird]

I think you did well to point out how you in your own experiences 'thought' you understood unbelievers but once you became one you see how back then you really had no clue. I think it tries to say without saying that no matter how hard she tries she really will never be able to see where you are coming from, which is quite true in my estimation. Good luck, and please keep us posted on what comes of it (which I know you will ). Do you have about the same relationship with her that J does? Do you think she'll abandon you as well?

[jblueep]

Do you think she'll abandon you as well?

 

Yep, she's toast

[Positivist]

• It was like I realized I’d been living in Narnia and found myself back in the coat closet, only to realize there was never really a Narnia at all…
  
• At that point I could no longer go back... Once I saw it, I couldn’t un-see it.
  

This is exactly it, 2H. This is a beautiful letter that so clearly and passionately articulates your struggle for truth and peace. I also think it's a courageous letter. I hope P knows that when it all falls apart for her, that you and J will be there for her, no matter the time and distance that separates you.

 

Keep us posted on the outcome.......

 

Peace.

[marmot]

But I am telling you, I had no other choice. Once I saw it, I couldn’t un-see it.

 

I like this part.

 

Ceasing to believe for many of us is not a decision. It is an eventuality for many of us if you have a strong desire for the truth and you are honest with yourself.

 

I doubt she will understand this but I think a lot of us understand it only too well.

[marmot]

We are on the same wavelength, Positivist!

[2Honest]

Do you have about the same relationship with her that J does? Do you think she'll abandon you as well?

 

Her and J connected more "intellectually" than she and I did b/c their minds work in a similar way. But she and I were pretty close. I considered her a close friend and she expressed feeling the same about me. We genuinely loved each other and had a real friendship.

 

But unfortunately the last communication we had (before me writing her this letter) was when she wrote me a "prophetic word" last August. She knew I'd been really struggling with my health, but instead of reaching out to me in a "normal" way, she sent me this long, rambling "word" about how I was going to be this great artist and all this stuff. In the past we would exchange emails like that, or just about "life in the spirit" and would have an ongoing dialogue about it.

 

I knew she meant well, but this email came just at the beginning of the struggle with my faith and I just could not even respond to it. A few weeks later I emailed her and apologized for not getting back to her about it. I told her I was just really struggling and wasn't at a place to respond. That was the last I heard from her, other than a quick conversation or two at church where she tried to be encouraging. But there was no actual reaching out like a normal friend, no "how can I be there for you, what do you need?".

 

It's pretty amazing how we, the dreaded unbelievers, are the ones willing to show love and tolerance - while they offer rejection. Yet WE will be the ones labeled as misguided and deceived. It is pretty sad.

[2Honest]

• It was like I realized I’d been living in Narnia and found myself back in the coat closet, only to realize there was never really a Narnia at all…
  
• At that point I could no longer go back... Once I saw it, I couldn’t un-see it.
  

This is exactly it, 2H. This is a beautiful letter that so clearly and passionately articulates your struggle for truth and peace. I also think it's a courageous letter. I hope P knows that when it all falls apart for her, that you and J will be there for her, no matter the time and distance that separates you.

 

Keep us posted on the outcome.......

 

Peace.

 

Thank you, Pos. It does feel good to finally come clean to someone. And you're right, we will be there when the lights come on for her, or for anyone else we share this with in the future. It's our new calling!

[Thought2Much]

But I am telling you, I had no other choice. Once I saw it, I couldn’t un-see it.

 

I like this part.

 

Ceasing to believe for many of us is not a decision. It is an eventuality for many of us if you have a strong desire for the truth and you are honest with yourself.

 

I doubt she will understand this but I think a lot of us understand it only too well.

 

I tried to convey this to my wife when I told her I didn't believe any more. She tried to blame herself or her family for not being good enough Christians for me to keep my belief. I told her that even if her family was perfect, it only would have delayed the process, but it wouldn't have stopped it. Sooner or later, I was going to ask the questions, and doubt the answers I was getting from Christianity. It was only a matter of time.

 

I haven't read the entire letter yet, 2Honest, but I certainly plan to soon.

[Positivist]

But unfortunately the last communication we had (before me writing her this letter) was when she wrote me a "prophetic word" last August. She knew I'd been really struggling with my health, but instead of reaching out to me in a "normal" way, she sent me this long, rambling "word" about how I was going to be this great artist and all this stuff.

~|~|~

I told her I was just really struggling and wasn't at a place to respond. That was the last I heard from her, other than a quick conversation or two at church where she tried to be encouraging. But there was no actual reaching out like a normal friend, no "how can I be there for you, what do you need?".

I think facing the truth of life is nerve-wracking for believers. Some (not all, not even most) of the ideas within our brand of Christianity are good on paper, but when the rubber meets the road, there is nothing there; there is no traction with real life. So, when God fails, our mouths are agape (as in, slack-jaw, not as in Christian love...lol) but we recover quickly and slap on some platitudes to make the intense discomfort go away--the intense discomfort at the stripping away of our delusion, at seeing our worldview fall apart, at seeing the truth of our lives peeled away like a banana through pain, hardship and broken promises.

 

It's so sad to discover the rich and deep garden of friendship is rather shallow-rooted and that it favored only nourishment from a tetrapack of pre-packaged beliefs.

 

{{{Hugs!}}}

[★ Citsonga ★]

That is a beautiful letter, 2Honest. Thanks for sharing.

 

But I am telling you, I had no other choice. Once I saw it, I couldn’t un-see it.

 

I like this part.

 

Ceasing to believe for many of us is not a decision. It is an eventuality for many of us if you have a strong desire for the truth and you are honest with yourself.

 

I doubt she will understand this but I think a lot of us understand it only too well.

 

Same here. I simply cannot choose whether or not to believe something that I am utterly convinced is not true.

 

I especially like this part:

 

No, this was not a choice that I made. Why would I choose this? Why would I choose to leave the dream world where everything is promised to turn out great in the end? Why would I choose to walk away from a whole community of people who believe the same way? Why would I choose to leave friends who love me? Why would I choose a life of having people misunderstand me? Why would I choose to believe differently than my family, friends, and let alone the majority of my country? Why would I choose to give up on the hope that my illness would be miraculously cured? Why would I choose to walk away from believing in an all-loving, all-powerful god who I was my friend?

 

Who would choose any of that?

 

I didn’t. I simply had to accept what I knew to be true, no matter what the consequences were.

 

This is a very, very well conveyed point. She may not grasp what you're saying, but it should at least make her think a little.

 

I tried to convey this to my wife when I told her I didn't believe any more. She tried to blame herself or her family for not being good enough Christians for me to keep my belief. I told her that even if her family was perfect, it only would have delayed the process, but it wouldn't have stopped it. Sooner or later, I was going to ask the questions, and doubt the answers I was getting from Christianity. It was only a matter of time.

 

The way such Christians view things is so absurd, isn't it? That's like saying that she and her family could have been good enough Muslims to keep you from doubting Islam. How good one is has no bearing on whether or not his/her worldview is accurate.

 

 

Anyway, 2Honest, I'm not sure what your medical condition is, but I wish you the best with it. Hopefully some good doctors can help you. Also, good luck with your friend.

[openpalm45]

I so relate to your letter, 2Honest. My situation wasnt exactly the same. I think you read a letter I wrote to some friends, about how I had been searching for the intimacy and relationship with God that everyone else around me seemed to have, but I never got. I never got that "emotional high" that everyone else experienced. But I believed (and it was prophesied to me, as well!) that I would have a breakthrough, and that I would experience that intimacy with Christ. But after 3 damn years, I was still no where. I was just heart broken and rejected. And more wounded and fucked up FROM christianity, than I would have been without it. It was that realization, mixed with my hearts inability to open itself up to this christian god who rejected me for years, that made me question my beliefs. And once I was able to say "maybe this isnt true" my faith fell away swiftly.

I appreciated your honesty, authenticity and kind heart. Thank you for sharing.

[2Honest]

I so relate to your letter, 2Honest. My situation wasnt exactly the same. I think you read a letter I wrote to some friends, about how I had been searching for the intimacy and relationship with God that everyone else around me seemed to have, but I never got. I never got that "emotional high" that everyone else experienced. But I believed (and it was prophesied to me, as well!) that I would have a breakthrough, and that I would experience that intimacy with Christ. But after 3 damn years, I was still no where. I was just heart broken and rejected. And more wounded and fucked up FROM christianity, than I would have been without it. It was that realization, mixed with my hearts inability to open itself up to this christian god who rejected me for years, that made me question my beliefs. And once I was able to say "maybe this isnt true" my faith fell away swiftly.

I appreciated your honesty, authenticity and kind heart. Thank you for sharing.

 

Hey, OP! Yes, I do remember reading your letter. It was really helpful to me at a difficult time. Yeah, it took 3 years for me, too. I DID have the experience of "intimacy", and that kept me going for awhile. But then it wasn't enough. I felt that if god was showing himself to be real by causing me to feel things, why would he deny also healing things in me that were broken? I would never do that to one of my kids! So either god was one sick MF, or he wasn't real at all. You're right - it all falls apart pretty fast once you let yourself go there.

[owen652]

that was such a beautiful letter, very powerful. I cannot believe that it would not at least give a christian cause to stop and think about their own journey and whether or not they have experienced the same unfulfilled promises.

[Overcame Faith]

Very nice letter. You reached out as a fellow human being and shared a private but extremely difficult struggle that resulted in your seeing the truth. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but your friend, as a true believer, will never understand what you wrote. We who have experienced similar struggles and came out where we are (by leaving Christianity) can see what you wrote as the human struggle it is to separate what we so desperately wanted to be true from what is actually true. As I have said many times, the truth makes no promises other than that it is the truth. It may hurt terribly, it may bring great joy or it may even be neutral. Setting out to seek the truth is a journey into the unknown because the very fact we are seeking it means we do not know what the truth is (though we may have some suspicions). The problem is that truthseekers (including me) are very often unprepared for what we discover. Therein lies the great difficulty for many of us when we discover that the Christian religion is a terrible lie. How does one prepare oneself for something so earth shattering? I'm not sure it is possible to be prepared for such a harsh revelation. And that leaves us with the sometimes difficult task of recovering. I think your letter was probably more for your own recovery than it was for your friend. I hope that just writing it, and organizing your thoughts on your journey, was cathartic for you.

[Akheia]

This was a touching and beautiful letter. But please don't take this the wrong way: your ex-pastor sounds like a fucking New Age wingnut cloaked in Christianese, a fruitcake with strawberry frosting and cross-shaped sprinkles. Seriously, the more I read what you and your DH wrote to and about her, the more vapid, controlling, and insecure she sounds. You two are both far more loving and generous toward her than I would have been.

[2Honest]

Very nice letter. You reached out as a fellow human being and shared a private but extremely difficult struggle that resulted in your seeing the truth. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but your friend, as a true believer, will never understand what you wrote. We who have experienced similar struggles and came out where we are (by leaving Christianity) can see what you wrote as the human struggle it is to separate what we so desperately wanted to be true from what is actually true.

 

Thanks so much, OF. That means a lot. I agree, she will never be able to understand unless she reaches this place herself.

 

As I have said many times, the truth makes no promises other than that it is the truth. It may hurt terribly, it may bring great joy or it may even be neutral. Setting out to seek the truth is a journey into the unknown because the very fact we are seeking it means we do not know what the truth is (though we may have some suspicions). The problem is that truthseekers (including me) are very often unprepared for what we discover. Therein lies the great difficulty for many of us when we discover that the Christian religion is a terrible lie. How does one prepare oneself for something so earth shattering? I'm not sure it is possible to be prepared for such a harsh revelation. And that leaves us with the sometimes difficult task of recovering.

 

Also very true. The search for truth is a dangerous one in that regard. But still totally worth it.

 

 

I think your letter was probably more for your own recovery than it was for your friend. I hope that just writing it, and organizing your thoughts on your journey, was cathartic for you.

 

I'd been putting off writing a letter like that for awhile now. But the things she wrote to J dug it out of me. I wanted to help her understand, but I also needed to formulate my thoughts and clear in my own head. Yeah, it definitely was cathartic!

[2Honest]

But I am telling you, I had no other choice. Once I saw it, I couldn’t un-see it.

 

I like this part.

 

Ceasing to believe for many of us is not a decision. It is an eventuality for many of us if you have a strong desire for the truth and you are honest with yourself.

 

I doubt she will understand this but I think a lot of us understand it only too well.

 

I tried to convey this to my wife when I told her I didn't believe any more. She tried to blame herself or her family for not being good enough Christians for me to keep my belief. I told her that even if her family was perfect, it only would have delayed the process, but it wouldn't have stopped it. Sooner or later, I was going to ask the questions, and doubt the answers I was getting from Christianity. It was only a matter of time.

 

I haven't read the entire letter yet, 2Honest, but I certainly plan to soon.

 

Yeah, I think believers desperately need to make sense of our deconversion. They need someone to blame, so why not themselves? There really is no way for them to understand it, or us. I think that is the most difficult part for me. I can't stand being misunderstood, I want people to know the real me. But b/c of their perception of the world it seems like my christian friends and family will never know me in that sense. It's a tough pill to swallow.

[jblueep]

This was a touching and beautiful letter. But please don't take this the wrong way: your ex-pastor sounds like a fucking New Age wingnut cloaked in Christianese, a fruitcake with strawberry frosting and cross-shaped sprinkles. Seriously, the more I read what you and your DH wrote to and about her, the more vapid, controlling, and insecure she sounds. You two are both far more loving and generous toward her than I would have been.

 

I thoroughly enjoyed that!

[2Honest]

This was a touching and beautiful letter. But please don't take this the wrong way: your ex-pastor sounds like a fucking New Age wingnut cloaked in Christianese, a fruitcake with strawberry frosting and cross-shaped sprinkles. Seriously, the more I read what you and your DH wrote to and about her, the more vapid, controlling, and insecure she sounds. You two are both far more loving and generous toward her than I would have been.

 

LOL! Oh man, this cracked me up. "cross-shaped sprinkles" hahaha!

[2Honest]

She sent this response late last night. I haven't written back. Not really sure how to respond to this gush of...I don't even know what. It makes my brain hurt to try to understand where she's coming from. I do appreciate her vulnerability, but we see things SO differently. Our hope at this point is to try to get her to see some reality. But obviously she may be way too far gone. J offered to have coffee with her, so we'll see how that goes.

 

 

---------------P's Letter to 2H-----------

 

 

Thank you so incredibly much for sending this—as always your gift for communication comes through and I do hear your heart and hear you are the same April and love you and miss you. In what I would call a supernatural way, you helped me see your journey. I would be a jackass to judge you and I also feel I would be a jackass to keep trying to convince you—I think I have known that for some time. As always your love and graciousness for me comes through and I appreciate that.

 

Actually, if I’m honest, I think through reading this, I finally understand some things Jason said—which I hadn’t understood before. (I did feel incredibly attacked personally at times on Facebook and I was trying to weed through that pain and not pass it on in any way.) Jason is right that I get defensive (I do), but I really didn’t think that was my reaction in this circumstance, although I accept that criticism openly and do believe that ultimately the revelation of God inside me will settle that issue---forgive me for not being there yet. I guess I felt that it was you guys who were walking away from us and I was trying to accept that with grace and, actually, friendship--not that I was writing a “dear John” letter, as he said. So, I was more shocked by his response than he was by mine I guess! I am so sorry I caused him any pain.

 

I have never walked through anything like this so please be patient with me. Please. My faith is undeniable and it is the reason I am alive and I thought I had lived it wide open with you. To “not take it personally” that you guys don’t accept it is a tall order—I’m working on it—really trying---and your e-mail helps me. Jason’s last message to me accused me of not really wanting to engage the culture, but you, to me, were not “the culture”, so again, please be patient with me. I am more passionate than ever about showing my youtube videos and proclaiming the unseen realities of God, but that wouldn’t appeal to you and I don’t want to push it on you.

 

In a big way, I am having to process my sense of failure—and that is my journey right now regarding you. I am sorry—for every way I have failed you and I am sure there are more than I know. Truly sorry. April, I love you, truly, madly, deeply, love you….Miss you……don’t understand and yet understand…..see your heart and see you in the Kingdom. I can be a royal twit in my zeal and I never want to push that on anyone. But I have found my fulfillment in pointing people to the invisible realities of God. If you guys accept me still as that, well, hey……I just didn’t see how you could given the place you’ve come to, but I would never have anything but honor (REAL HONOR) in my heart for you.

 

Maybe the truth is—and I can tell you better than I could Jason---I’m not as tough as Jason and I felt picked apart in every exchange. He may not see that side of himself and I don’t mean it critically of him, but it was horrible for me. Call me weak—I don’t mind—we’ll see what God can do with me weak. I love you and Jason both—truly, madly, deeply…….

 

Your message was way more coherent than mine…..! I swear I haven’t been drinking or anything! LOL

Again, thank you….there was a massive clearing of the air with this---please help Jason understand me if you can.

[jblueep]

please help Jason understand me if you can.

 

She is too far gone to realize that this is just manipulation.

 

...Let's see...how do I keep people from questioning me?...I know...I'll crumble to pieces when they do...that way they won't do it any more...and I'll ask other people to try to help them figure me out...

 

I'm not saying it's a conscious manipulation, but it definitely is one. I really just feel very sorry and sad for her. Maybe a face to face will help. We put the offer out there.

[bornnormal]

It is hard to make sense of what she is on about. Reading her stuff is like listening to William Lane Craig. Loads of far fetched BS that makes you want to claw your own face off. Sorry for my uncalled commentary!

Good luck with your friendship!

[2Honest]

My reply to P's reply to my reply.

 

I had J help me write the part about him b/c I didn't want to come off as saying I thought he was wrong in any way. I didn't think anything he did or said required an apology or explanation to a rational person. But she is nearly incapable of being rational, so the point was to diffuse her insecurity enough to hopefully help her see some reality. We may be the only unbelievers who will even get close to getting through to her. So it's worth a shot.

 

 

 

------------2H to P------------

 

 

You’re welcome! It was actually good for me to write it and formulate my thoughts.

 

I appreciate your not judging me/us and do NOT think you are a jackass!

 

I hope that you can find a place of peace about where we are and know that this was a very personal thing for each one of us. No one (including you) influenced us to arrive at this place. There was no failure on your part. There was nothing anyone could do, or be, to prevent us from ending up here. It was inevitable. And we don’t regret it. We are glad we’re here, so “blaming” someone wouldn’t even make sense.

 

Our acceptance and love for you has never been in question. We understand who you are and your life’s message and respect that. The fact that we are now on a different road may change our relationship, but only because so much of our relationship with you was based on our shared beliefs. If there’s a way to move forward without that element, we are totally willing. But at the same time we realize it may be very difficult for you and would totally understand if you don’t feel it is best.

 

I think you should take Jason up on his offer for coffee. But a couple thoughts that might help - I think the fact that he understands you better than most makes it all the more difficult when you feel he is challenging you. Also, as you know, Jason is not good at what he would call “fluff” (especially when writing an email). His love of “efficiency” can sometimes translate into dropping a bomb and then assessing the damage later. Haha

 

I think also he assumes that b/c his actions convey love to a person that they will automatically view any of his blunt or to-the-point communication through that lens. He often says to me, “I’m a simple man”. And that is true. He says what he means and doesn’t dance around it and try to figure out what the person’s perception will be. Which is one of the things we love about him! But can also get him in trouble!

 

Gotta go, but I hope this helps.

 

Love you,

Ape

[owen652]

 

Maybe the truth is—and I can tell you better than I could Jason---I’m not as tough as Jason and I felt picked apart in every exchange. He may not see that side of himself and I don’t mean it critically of him, but it was horrible for me.

 

this says everything really. she is obviously not accustomed to talking to people who disagree with her and doesn't know how to process it; she assumes it is an attack. the unfamiliar sensation of having people point out systematically why she is wrong makes her turn to jelly. this is what happens when you live in a self-confirming bubble, where you only talk to other christians, you only read christian books, you only think christian thoughts, you only buy christian hamburgers....