I Am Sorry, Or, Why It Sucks To Be An Ex-Christian

[Positivist]

I just found this letter in my files, while looking for something else. I wrote it to process my feelings of guilt that emerged once I left the Christian faith. In my twenties I went through a hardcore fundy phase, and the sting of regret lingers. I post this at some personal risk, but I thought it might be something a few of us can relate to. If nothing else, it's me broadcasting to the world that I am sorry. It is an act of penance. The world is a better place now that I have lost my faith.

_________________________________________________________

 

I Am Sorry

 

To my former non-religious (or not spiritual enough) friends, colleagues and acquaintances.

 

I was a deluded jerk. I was a pompous ass who thought I knew how the world worked. I looked down my long nose at you because I thought I was tight with God and that you could only dream of the good life with God in your shirt pocket. I was socially inept and this made everything worse.

 

I am sorry for secretly despising you. Behind my stiff pious smile I was seething with disdain about your homosexuality. I thought you were practically pissing on the cross by your “chosen lifestyle.” I am sorry I did not associate with you as a normal colleague. I have missed out on great joy in life because of my fear and ignorance. I am sorry for being double minded and evil-hearted.

 

I am sorry for being judgmental towards you for having an abortion. I didn’t even know you, and yet I felt the need to freeze you out and send darts with my eyes in your direction. I thought you were evil. Instead, I was the evil one, void of love and compassion.

 

To my boss—I’m sorry for thinking I was too good to work on Sundays. I thought the heathens should do it. I know I asked forgiveness during my time working with you, but I feel so bad about how I acted that I have to say “I’m sorry” again.

 

I am sorry I didn’t see you as a whole person, all because you didn’t have a strong religious belief. I honestly thought that people who weren’t raving fundamentalist crazies were wanting to be just that. I thought you were missing something but just couldn’t see it. I’m sorry for being so smug that I thought I knew what you wanted.

 

I am sorry to all of those who went through the relational healing program at which I was a leader, including those who were trying to “pray the gay away”. I am sorry for thinking I actually know something about this topic. I don’t. I am sorry for telling you to “press in” to God. I was on some sort of neurotransmitter buzz that I mistook as God working through me. I hope you are at peace with yourself. You deserve it. You are worth it. You deserve love and companionship.

 

To those I did not spend time with because you weren’t a certified, bonafide, on-fire Christian with a narrowly defined set of correct^TM beliefs. I am sorry for spurning your friendly advances; I am truly the loser and worse off for it. I am sorry for thinking I was too good for you. I am sorry for not giving you a straight answer. Ever.

 

To my boyfriends. I’m sorry for believing that Bill Gothard crap. We’ve all paid dearly for that.

 

Last of all, I am sorry to myself, for missing out on so much life in my formative years as a young adult. I made some very wrong choices. I turned away good would-be friends because of doctrinal differences and because dogma ruled my life. I turned from positive experiences because some iota of it wouldn’t have been supported by the Bible. I turned away from the career I wanted to choose the one I thought God wanted me to have, based on my understanding of the role of women in society, as articulated in the Bible and from the fundamentalist pulpit.

 

I am truly the loser here. I am truly sorry, and I live with the bitterness of past thoughts and actions ever on my tongue and searing in the corner of my mind and heart. My penance is to move forward and spread kindness, compassion, love, acceptance, and goodness. I do this whole-heartedly. May my heart and mind bring healing where there was once wounding.

 

Peace be with you all.

 

A former fundy who always knew she was wrong but was too scared to admit it.

[blackpudd1n]

I, too, live with these regrets. So many nights I lay awake, tossing and turning, thinking of one friend in particular. I wonder where he is, what he is doing, I hope he is well. I miss him so much. It must be six years now since we parted ways, and we parted on bad terms. I have a DVD of his, which I have transported with me through my many moves since I last saw him. I refuse to get rid of it, because that would signify that I have given up on ever seeing him again. And I refuse to give up. If nothing else, I just want to say sorry to him. I want to tell him that I was wrong. Oh, how I miss my friend. And how deeply I regret ever losing him in the first place.

[Zephie]

Positivist, lately you say what I've been thinking. I have soooo many things that I regret from my fundy-days. Relationships I've given up, books/movies/games I've given up, jobs I wouldn't take, auditions I never went to, basically my entire 20's were wasted due to this bullshit. I'm done.

[NeverAgainV]

Zephie, I also wasted so much of my life, mid 20's & 30's wasted to fundy religious fucking bullshit.

I finally left at 43 years old...better late than never I guess.

 

Thank you for sharing your letter Positivist, it certainly resonated with me.

I've tried to tell the people I've hurt I'm sorry...the earth I'm sorry...

can't go back in time all we can do is try to move forward as best we can.

[owen652]

U gonna put this on fb?

[Positivist]

U gonna put this on fb?

Too scared.

[Positivist]

The regret from that still hurts me, even today. I wish I could sit down with them and we could all heal together and understand why I did what I did, but in any case, things would never be the same.

 

The only thing we can do is try to be strong as human beings and hope that we can get that opportunity to heal, should we meet again, and that it would be peaceful.

It sucks to remember, doesn't it? I look back and cringe! My twenties were the bad years. I grew up in the latter half of my twenties and I made fewer fundy mistakes the older I got. If I had the chance to go back and say, "I'm sorry for being a jerk" I would. But yes, I agree--we can only move forward and change the future, and change how we remember the present.

I, too, live with these regrets.

I want to tell him that I was wrong. Oh, how I miss my friend. And how deeply I regret ever losing him in the first place.

Pudd, I completely hear you. It's so painful. What's that saying: "To wake up from a week's drunk and find a love lost is enough to drive a man to drink". That's how I feel. I've woken up and I'm like, "Oh shit."

Relationships I've given up, books/movies/games I've given up, jobs I wouldn't take, auditions I never went to, basically my entire 20's were wasted due to this bullshit. I'm done.

Groan. Yes, indeed. Christianity is such a thief. It robs us of our best years before we wake up and look around at the carnage. Glad we're out!

...I also wasted so much of my life, mid 20's & 30's wasted to fundy religious fucking bullshit.

I finally left at 43 years old...better late than never I guess.

...can't go back in time all we can do is try to move forward as best we can.

I agree--better late than never. And you are so right--we need to move forward as best we can, making the most of today, and loving and accepting others, and drinking good wine.

[TrueFreedom]

You've captured it well, Positivist. I can't say that I always knew that I was wrong, but I always knew that something was wrong. It sucks to have so many regrets. It's a good thing that people are so resilient. We've all been hurt by people with that type of worldview and survived it.

[bronxo]

Good.

[hereticzero]

I got out of the cult in my late 40s. It was brutal emotionally. When one doctrine begins to fail, it all goes like a house of cards. I still make apologies to people.

[Positivist]

I can't say that I always knew that I was wrong, but I always knew that something was wrong. It sucks to have so many regrets. It's a good thing that people are so resilient.

Indeed, I am glad people are resilient! I never knew what was wrong...but something was wrong, so I kept building and bolstering my beliefs to cover the cognitive dissonance. What lunacy! Glad we're out!!

 

I absolve thee.

Your absolution actually means a lot! I am truly sorry for how I think I made people feel. The homosexuality 'issue' was one reason I left. When I was still attending church a Christian friend, also a worship leader, 'came out' to me. I'll never forget that moment. I recall being nonchalant about it face-to-face, but the theological problem at hand was a wedge between me and dogmatism. I have many gay and lesbian friends, I am happy to report. I recently told my two close lesbian friends that I am an ex-fundy; they almost fell off their chairs because that's how much I've changed! Yay!

I really wish I could sit down and talk to those I hurt while I was in the cult. I wish I could take it all back. It certainly does suck to remember, but at least the ex-Christian (and ex-religious) life is more sweet than it is bitter. But when it's bitter, it's bitter.

Yes, if I ran across someone from then I would definitely apologize. Until then, we can only change our actions in the present and make the world a better place that way!

I got out of the cult in my late 40s. It was brutal emotionally. When one doctrine begins to fail, it all goes like a house of cards. I still make apologies to people.

So true, HZ. My house of cards fell in the same way. I admire you for still making apologies to people; that takes courage and character. I hope we can both move one and live better lives without grief and regret.

[Akheia]

I think that you have already done a wonderful job at your "penance" so far- I have met few people as kind and thoughtful as you, particularly on the Internet, where so many feel free to be horrible (or simply indifferent to others) from behind computer monitors.

 

Also, if the stuff about homosexuality is still weighing on your conscience that much, you can at least enjoy the "forgiveness" of this one gay woman who recognizes that religion can compel people to do things that are not characteristic, while they are under its influence. Go in peace; you are forgiven. I absolve thee.

 

I teared up seeing that. I (like many fundies, I think now) didn't have functional gaydar at all while in the church, and it pains me now to think of my blithe homophobia and hetero privilege toward people who were without a doubt gay. I had a boss who really couldn't have demonstrated her lesbianism more effectively without a full-on demonstration, and the discussions we had make me cringe to this day. I had a friend who was Southern Baptist who "struggled with demons of homosexuality" as well--I bought a car from him once; he was a really sweet kid. I often wonder what became of him, and wish I'd been able to tell this tortured young man that he didn't need to feel shame or fear for how he was born. Absolution for me is powerful but ultimately action is my only recourse, since I don't even remember these folks' last names and can't find them to apologize to them. All I can do now is support gay rights as powerfully as I can and call out anti-gay behavior when I see it, and especially to call out the Christian faith for being so anti-gay.

 

Positivist, that was a beautiful letter, and one that many ex-Cs can probably powerfully identify with. I too wish I could apologize individually to the people I alienated and mistreated. What a beautiful and touching post. Thank you.

[Akheia]

It does. Thank you.

[Positivist]

I can actually recognize, "OK, this person says and thinks these things because she's under massive psychological coercion from her religious system, ethnic community, etc." It never even bothers me that much, because I remember firsthand how it is to be brainwashed by rigid Catholicism in general.

~~~

If any of you are feeling particularly guilty about having hounded some random gay co-worker with a hardcore OT Bible quote about the wrath of God, you were only human, were under tremendous pressure from a manipulative and scary institution, and are not as culpable as you might think. If you were such a horrible person, you wouldn't even feel bad about it in the first place; true haters rarely ever do.

 

Hope that helps some.

Agord, this is incredibly helpful to me. You are truly the bigger person here for being so compassionate towards delusional, small-minded people.

 

I was recently invited to the board of a local LGBTQ group. I turned them down on the basis of my deep and enduring shame about my fundy past. (I told them I was too busy, which is true, but the real reason is my shameful past! I even worked with an Exodus type group, although I could never be a true hater! Still, I feel that I am the worst of the worst!)

 

So, your kind and thoughtful words help me understand and move on. For that, I thank you!

 

(It would be awesome to be on the LGBTQ board for the right reasons..... and what would be hil-fucking-arious is the looks on my fundy-in-laws faces when they find out! ).