Positivist Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 It is an act of procrastination that I post this. I wrote it six months ago in response to Christian friends who sneered at me and my loss of faith. (Well, sneer isn't quite the word, but basically, there was not a lot of sympathy to be had, just a lot of advice.) I never sent it to my friends, but thought I'd post it here, partially to avoid the work I am supposed to be doing right now, but mostly because I think some here may be able to relate to it. I hope you find it helpful. A preemptive clarification: I am in a much better space than I was 6 months and a year ago. I am truly at peace, for the first time in my life. But going through those dark days was terrible and treacherous. _____________________________________________________ A Letter to the Believers who Scorn Me The plans, prognostications, passions and prophecies have come to naught. I am left on the compost heaps of both time and theology, gutted like a fish, wanting only that for which I longed in my youth. My God, to whom I cleaved, has failed me and is silent. I am alone in my pain as the world rejoices. I am the unseen (ignored?) failure of faith to materialize. I am scorned and shunned by those with whom I once kept close company. I count among me as new friends other carcasses on the discard heap. We weep together in solitude and rejoice that we have found each other, wash-ups of fundamentalism, evangelicalism, or charismaticism. Pain is my constant companion, and the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is no longer with me. I would drown in my grief, except for the loving arms of outcasts, lepers and the godless that reach in to seize me, even when I am overcome. The love and compassion of the godless has been the biggest surprise since being here. I am in the wilderness and am broken, unrecognizable to myself. I don't know why or if God let me go here, but this much I know: he does give us more than we can bear, and I have crumbled beneath the weight of many burdens and sorrows. The silence of God, mingled with the scorn of believers, has left me gutted, bleeding and dying. There is nothing left except a fragile shell. Please do not feel compelled to pray for me; if anything, pray God will spare you this tortuous journey, although as you can see such a prayer has done me no good. He does lose us—one need not look far to see that this much is true. I am told that there is such a thing as life without God; I have never considered this possibility until now, and I guess I will soon find out if this claim has merit. The evidence (which I at one time viewed with contempt and suspicion) is weighted in ways I never anticipated, and I can no longer ignore it. All this to say, those once in his hand can, in fact, be removed, and that this is not a sinful act of the will as much as a resignation to personal exhaustion. And for the record, of interest perhaps, is the fact that when followers of Christ lose faith, they are rarely nonchalant about it. It's more a case of exclaiming, with tears of confusion and grief, a soul wrenching cry of "Dammit. DAMMIT!!" at losing what and who one holds so dear. These things are pried from us against our wishes, for why would we abandon faith in our very time of need? 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 Again, you put into words so many thoughts going around in my head. I remember the plea I wrote to the leader of my Bible study about how I didn't want to go this route. I remember getting back random platitudes and just bull shit. There were no answers to the questions I had only words of "hold on" "keep the faith". No answers just empty platitudes. Did anyone bother to ask why I quite going in January? No, they just let me be at church. Ignored. Forgotten. They never gave a shit about me unless I had some prophecy or something profound to say. I found out recently that one of the verses that I had given commentary level explanation of is a friggin forgery. *sigh* I am glad I am out. Truly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted April 29, 2012 Author Share Posted April 29, 2012 I remember getting back random platitudes and just bull shit. There were no answers to the questions I had only words of "hold on" "keep the faith". What I did not understand is, if Christianity is the TruthTM, then why is this the best they can come up with? Coming out of the fold is so damn hard because (1) we generally didn't want to leave, and (2) we have to deconstruct what the hell it was all about, after we leave. It makes my head spin! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 I remember getting back random platitudes and just bull shit. There were no answers to the questions I had only words of "hold on" "keep the faith". What I did not understand is, if Christianity is the TruthTM, then why is this the best they can come up with? Coming out of the fold is so damn hard because (1) we generally didn't want to leave, and (2) we have to deconstruct what the hell it was all about, after we leave. It makes my head spin! Exactly. I see it as a form of control. Also for someone that has had some sensing abilities and what not, christianity has truly fucked with me and made me feel as though there is something wrong. I'm exploring everything now...well as much as I can. Their platitudes were utter bullshit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wester Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 My mum, as she has gotten more religious is harder and harder to talk with...she only speaks in cliches and insipid and trite old "saws". It is like she's lost all access to her frontal cortex. And may I say that it is not actually you who are in the wilderness, but they.... Stay strong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitzer Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 The truth that is in Christianity is that it's intollerant, disrespectfull and fuels indifference, resentment and even hate to those who after being part of it reject it. Some wonderful truth...ain't it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LivingLife Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 It is an act of procrastination that I post this. I wrote it six months ago in response to Christian friends who sneered at me and my loss of faith. (Well, sneer isn't quite the word, but basically, there was not a lot of sympathy to be had, just a lot of advice.) I never sent it to my friends, but thought I'd post it here, partially to avoid the work I am supposed to be doing right now, but mostly because I think some here may be able to relate to it. I hope you find it helpful. A preemptive clarification: I am in a much better space than I was 6 months and a year ago. I am truly at peace, for the first time in my life. But going through those dark days was terrible and treacherous. _____________________________________________________ A Letter to the Believers who Scorn Me The plans, prognostications, passions and prophecies have come to naught. I am left on the compost heaps of both time and theology, gutted like a fish, wanting only that for which I longed in my youth. My God, to whom I cleaved, has failed me and is silent. I am alone in my pain as the world rejoices. I am the unseen (ignored?) failure of faith to materialize. I am scorned and shunned by those with whom I once kept close company. I count among me as new friends other carcasses on the discard heap. We weep together in solitude and rejoice that we have found each other, wash-ups of fundamentalism, evangelicalism, or charismaticism. Pain is my constant companion, and the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is no longer with me. I would drown in my grief, except for the loving arms of outcasts, lepers and the godless that reach in to seize me, even when I am overcome. The love and compassion of the godless has been the biggest surprise since being here. I am in the wilderness and am broken, unrecognizable to myself. I don't know why or if God let me go here, but this much I know: he does give us more than we can bear, and I have crumbled beneath the weight of many burdens and sorrows. The silence of God, mingled with the scorn of believers, has left me gutted, bleeding and dying. There is nothing left except a fragile shell. Please do not feel compelled to pray for me; if anything, pray God will spare you this tortuous journey, although as you can see such a prayer has done me no good. He does lose us—one need not look far to see that this much is true. I am told that there is such a thing as life without God; I have never considered this possibility until now, and I guess I will soon find out if this claim has merit. The evidence (which I at one time viewed with contempt and suspicion) is weighted in ways I never anticipated, and I can no longer ignore it. All this to say, those once in his hand can, in fact, be removed, and that this is not a sinful act of the will as much as a resignation to personal exhaustion. And for the record, of interest perhaps, is the fact that when followers of Christ lose faith, they are rarely nonchalant about it. It's more a case of exclaiming, with tears of confusion and grief, a soul wrenching cry of "Dammit. DAMMIT!!" at losing what and who one holds so dear. These things are pried from us against our wishes, for why would we abandon faith in our very time of need? Great post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asanerman Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 I hope you find it helpful. ...going through those dark days was terrible and treacherous. Good therapy is both settling and unsettling! At times I consecrate my being continuously uprooted and replanted in the soil of living and dying with a simple ! We need not search anyplace else but where we are for something special! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsRoper Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 Thanks for sharing. It's a great post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2Honest Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 Thanks so much for posting this, Pos. I know it is a vulnerable thing to share such a personal part of your story. But it helps me a lot to read things like this. I relate SO much to many of the things you wrote. It helps me know that I am not the only one who went to that dark, dark place in my mind. It's easy to think sometimes that I was just too sensitive or emotional. But I know that many of us ended up in that wilderness. I'm sorry for that pain you experienced. It makes me wonder how many more there are like us who will choose to keep their faith and never get free. I am scorned and shunned by those with whom I once kept close company. I count among me as new friends other carcasses on the discard heap. We weep together in solitude and rejoice that we have found each other, wash-ups of fundamentalism, evangelicalism, or charismaticism. Pain is my constant companion, and the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is no longer with me. I would drown in my grief, except for the loving arms of outcasts, lepers and the godless that reach in to seize me, even when I am overcome. The love and compassion of the godless has been the biggest surprise since being here. Three cheers for Ex-C! I'm happy that I can be counted among your washed-up friends! You are an amazing person, Pos. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2Honest Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 I remember getting back random platitudes and just bull shit. There were no answers to the questions I had only words of "hold on" "keep the faith". What I did not understand is, if Christianity is the TruthTM, then why is this the best they can come up with? Exactly! I've asked this question so many times! If they really are experiencing all these wonderful things that god has promised, why is it so easy for them to let us go? Why are there no real answers? When we question and doubt the truth of what is being promised, they can offer nothing but to say that we need to "change our perspective" or "have more faith". They can't actually point to any tangible evidence and they know it. I guess that's why they have to put the blame on the one who is questioning/leaving instead of taking the burden of proof on themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted April 29, 2012 Moderator Share Posted April 29, 2012 This is going in my 'favorites'! Thanks my darlin friend for writing what I think and feel.. ***** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted April 29, 2012 Author Share Posted April 29, 2012 Three cheers for Ex-C! I'm happy that I can be counted among your washed-up friends! He he he. We may have started out on the compost heap but we are now making our own beautiful garden. Take that, Xianity! Everyone, it's great to be here with you all! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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