Don't Really Know How I Got Here...

[Peace]

I've been trying to think of how to write this but I think I just do it and hope it's coherent enough to make it worthy of reading.

 

I'd spent every breathing moment of my life immersed in xtian culture. My parents got saved right after they had my older brother and were dedicated to raising us according to 'God's word'. We attended a small church that was part of a denomination that is a sort of off shoot of Pentecostalism.

 

I enjoyed church as a child and an early teen. To say God and church was a huge part of my life would be an understatement. All my friends were from church, I was homeschooled for religious reasons until middle school when I began attending a Baptist school, and the majority of extracurricular activities came about through the church. My parents served on the worship team and as elders of the church so we spent as much of our free time at church as we did attending services.

 

I felt happy in my faith and the xtian experiences I'd had thus far until I began attending a xtian school at a Baptist church. The attitude and tone of the messages we received were so vastly different than the ones I received growing up that I spent my entire high school years fighting to understand what was 'true' and who I was as a person of God. I struggled with understanding how these xtians were so petty and hateful. It was mind boggling.

 

Nothing I did ever felt good enough to satisfy my super pious school mates or the judgmental teachers. By the time I graduated I was seriously depressed and would suffer from suicidal episodes for the first few years following leaving the school.

 

By this time my parents had left the small church I grew up in and had found a new one. I was expected to attend church every Sunday still (living at home as a collegs student) so I spent many months bouncing from church to church, visiting on my own and trying to find a place where I felt comfortable. I longed for the social interactions and the community I'd had as a child in the church of my youth but it was nowhere to be found.

 

During this time I told myself I was going to do what I wanted and that God would just have to forgive me later. I made friends who weren't xtians and spent the better part of my free time drinking, socializing and basically just enjoying life. The guilty and the shame of no longer being a 'good xtian' was never far away and I felt tormented by the fact that I didn't want to do all the xtiany things anymore like read my bible and go to church and pray with other people. I came to the point where I figured I just needed some time away from religion to decompress and that eventually that desire would return.

 

Then I met my husband and we married fairly quickly because our living situations were horrible and of course living together outside of marriage wasn't an option. I know we would have married anyway, I was truly in love with him, but we probably would have been able to take our time if I didn't feel the pressure to make things legit so I could stop beating myself up for having premarital sex.

 

We started attending church where my parents were going, admittedly, because it was only 5 minutes from our apartment. And this church was a whole new level of tootie frootie spirituality I hadn't experienced before. They were VERY into prophesy and the spiritual realm and speaking in tongues. The better part of every church service was spent experiencing something in relation to those things. I was thankful when we had our baby because I would slip out after worship and stay with her in the lobby. The sermons were truly that unbearable. I didn't see how any of this was suppose to better my life but I played along hoping I'd get it eventually.

 

We attended for nearly 3 years, until our daughter was about 2 1/2. We were volunteering in children's classes and were trying to understand why we were teaching 2 year olds a lesson on prophesy and the meaning of the word 'exhortation'. Seriously. It was insane.

 

Dh never felt strongly one way or the other about what we were doing AFA church or spirituality. He was 'lukewarm' and never seemed affected by all the hoopla so he had no problem with our no longer attending church.

 

It was right around this time that I took what I believe to be the first step in my unraveling.

 

I didn't want to use corporeal punishment on our children and I started trying to find interpretations of the Bible that would support that so I could defend my decision not to beat my kid. I found an amazing group of christian moms who were against punishment as a form of discipline and it opened up the possibility, for me, that there might be other scriptures I had heard misinterpreted my whole life.

 

And so I spent the next 3 years reading the bible for myself and trying to understand original texts and the 'hebraic mindset' and viewed everything through the lens that God is a loving God, not a punitive God. I wanted to know what I believed if I were to guide myself led by the holy spirit.

 

But no matter how hard I tried it all didn't fit. I stopped talking to anyone else about the bible because I wanted to see what conclusions I came to all on my own without any influence. I told God I was having a really hard time believing in him and that I really didn't believe in the power of prayer anymore so if He loved me and really wanted me He was going to have to prove it to me. I knew even as I said it that nothing would happen and I wondered where that really left me.

 

And then, 3 months ago I went to visit a friend for the weekend and she told me she was converting to Catholicism. I asked her how that came about and she told me her story and at the end she said "I finally had to stop running and just accept that I'm a Catholic. That that's what I believe."

 

All I could think was why was it okay to accept being a catholic but not okay to accept being an atheist? What if that was who you are?

 

I spent the next few weeks barely able to sleep or think of anything else, trying to fight off the realization that I didn't believe anymore.

 

I didn't dare say it out loud. It felt that there would be no going back.

 

Then a friend, out of the blue, admitted she had deconverted nearly 2 years prior. She told me why and all I could do was nod and agree. I immediately told her I was in the same place. It felt so scary but also so freeing!

 

It was a few weeks later that I told my husband, fearing what he would say. Never would I have thought that he'd think it was pretty much the greatest thing ever. He admitted he had always felt constricted and overwhelmed by my strong beliefs and my desire to know and live God's word.

 

Once I saw, once I saw that I didn't believe, I couldn't un-see it. It was truly as though I'd been holding back the truth for so many years and finally it caught up to me. I felt so FREE.

 

I remember when I realized I didn't have to study or read the bible anymore and the high I got from that alone lasted days. So ironic.

 

But here I am, only weeks into my deconversion and it seems like forever.

 

I haven't told any family or any of my xtian friends. My very best friend is coming to town in a week and I hope to tell her- I have no idea what her reaction will be and I am desperately hoping it will go well.

 

As for my parents, ILs and the group of xtian moms I love so dearly, I guess I will have to take it one step at a time and just feel it out. I know some won't understand, some will feel intimidated and my parents will be tormented by it. I'm hoping to drop some hints and wave some flags over time so it won't be a surprise when I finally say we're not xtians but who knows how that will work out.

 

But that's it. Nothing amazing or newsworthy, but my story nonetheless.

[marmot]

Welcome! I enjoyed reading your story.

 

I spent the next few weeks barely able to sleep or think of anything else, trying to fight off the realization that I didn't believe anymore.

I didn't dare say it out loud. It felt that there would be no going back.

 

I remember this stage! I felt exactly the same way.

[blackpudd1n]

Welcome to Ex-C, Peace I really enjoyed reading your deconversion story. And I was so happy that your husband is on the same page. That must have been such a relief!

 

I'm a pretty new deconvert myself- I deconverted about six months ago, though the process leading up to it went for two years. I was in pentecostalism, too. Sometimes I wonder how I never found all of that weird and crazy. However, I have bipolar, so that could explain it lol.

 

So glad to have you here, hope you stick around And don't be afraid to ask any questions that you have on your mind- there is so much knowledge going around here

[♦ ficino ♦]

Hello Peace, welcome to this site! I too really enjoyed reading your story. I'm glad that you got out while the three of you are still young. Isn't it amazing how many truly awful Sunday services go on... and how many people seem to get something out of them? I'm also glad that you are against beating your child. One of the testimonies on the main blog talks about how severe that was at the baptist school where that person attended.

[Thought2Much]

Welcome, Peace. I've also escaped from the wacky Pentecostal side of Christianity. I know exactly what it's like to be in that type of church, yet not feeling like a part of everything that's going on.

[freeasabird]

Thanks for sharing your story. It really is like looking behind the curtain isn't it?

[Peace]

Thank you so much everyone for welcoming me!

 

Welcome! I enjoyed reading your story.

 

I spent the next few weeks barely able to sleep or think of anything else, trying to fight off the realization that I didn't believe anymore.

I didn't dare say it out loud. It felt that there would be no going back.

 

I remember this stage! I felt exactly the same way.

It was truly like being in the Twilight Zone. There was a time in my late teens when I suffered from some insomnia and during that time everything felt surreal and my days were spent in this hazy, slow motion kind of existence. The days before the full realization hit me were so much like that! I felt like I I had my foot in two different worlds.

 

I'm a pretty new deconvert myself- I deconverted about six months ago, though the process leading up to it went for two years. I was in pentecostalism, too. Sometimes I wonder how I never found all of that weird and crazy. However, I have bipolar, so that could explain it lol.

lol

Right before we left the church for good I went to their children's summer camp as the nurse. I grew up watching and participating in the full pentecostal experience- speaking in tongues, exercising demons, slaying in the spirit, weir prophesies and interpretations- but seeing it as a full grown, thinking person was something else. They had these kids up until 11 or 12 at night during never ending alter call that consisted of a revolving door of laying on of hands and falling out in the spirit. I sat in the back of the room feeling guilty for not buying into it anymore.

 

I watched as one of the children's pastors told the kids that her stomach cancer had returned but that she knew she was healed and that she told her doctor that very thing when he tried to recommend treatment. I walked a group of boys to their cabin for the night because their counselor was laying out in the grass chanting nonsensically to himself because he was 'so overcome with the spirit'. I listened sadly as these children gave their testimonies the next day and heard the counselors tell how they were awake until early in the morning playing in what they saw was an actual river that had appeared in the sanctuary. One counselor told of crying and looking down and finding real diamonds in the palm of her hands. I couldn't make sense of any of it so I just sort of bean dipped my way through the trip praying for it to end.

 

I find it fascinating and wonder what it is in our human make up that makes experiences like these possible. I remember hearing a study where they found that people left in the absolute dark and silence began having hallucinations after 10 minutes time. I knew even then, as a believing xtian that there was some link between that kind of phenomenon and what we as humans experience 'spiritually'.

 

It's amazing to me that I didn't buy into 95% of what xtianity was selling but the simple fear of not believing held me captive for so many years!

[Peace]

Thanks for sharing your story. It really is like looking behind the curtain isn't it?

It REALLY is!

Welcome, Peace. I've also escaped from the wacky Pentecostal side of Christianity. I know exactly what it's like to be in that type of church, yet not feeling like a part of everything that's going on.

It was a strange sort of voyeurism mixed with utter embarrassment that I was seen as one of these people- supportive of these kinds of teachings and experiences. I felt complicit in my silence and ultimately left because I just couldn't be a part of 'that kind of xtianity'. I went searching for a different brand to better suit my sanity!

[Ouroboros]

Peace, welcome to the site. There are several similarities to your story and mine. I also just realized one day that I didn't believe anymore, and worse, that I couldn't believe. I asked God for faith, in my last attempt to restore it all, and I'm still waiting. What kind of God is it that can't even answer a silly prayer of help to come back to him?

[2Honest]

Thanks for sharing your story, Peace. I related to a LOT of it!

 

I went through a time of anxiety and depression as a teenager, too. At that time I was so sure I was being attacked by demons. I spent my nights doing "warfare" and pleading with god to help me and take that torment from me. It's so horrible what that belief system does to young people!

 

I related to what you wrote about the charismania, as well. Our church wasn't as crazy as some, but we were very into prophecy, "healing", "miracles", being slain the spirit, and all that. There was a strong emphasis on "experiencing god". As a sensitive person I was able to experience some of the stuff involved in the group dynamic. But that only happened b/c I was so desperate for a miracle that I suspended all rationality and just surrendered to the experience. It turned out to be so psychologically and physically damaging. Once I realized that nothing tangible was ever going to happen, I let myself question everything. Then it was all over.

 

Once I saw, once I saw that I didn't believe, I couldn't un-see it. It was truly as though I'd been holding back the truth for so many years and finally it caught up to me. I felt so FREE.

 

Yes! Same here!

 

I hope things go well as you come out to your friends and family. I still have people to tell, too and I'm not looking forward to that. But I know it will feel good just to have it out in the open so we can be free to be ourselves.

 

Thanks again for sharing this. Glad you are here!

 

2H

[norton65ca]

"It's amazing to me that I didn't buy into 95% of what xtianity was selling but the simple fear of not believing held me captive for so many years!"

How much I can relate to that sentence, oh how very very true.

[Spectrox]

Nice story Peace. Welcome aboard. There are lots of very supportive people here who can give you lots of excellent advice and insight.

 

Glad you can't find it in you to smack your kids. I can understand why some Xians teach this - the "Might makes right" philosophy permeates the Bible. In the OT there's even a bit about killing unruly children (Leviticus?) and another story about allowing bears to kill kids (Deuteronomy?). It's such an horrendous book I'm glad I woke up from my nightmare and tossed it in the garbage.

[Margee]

Really good to have you here Peace!! I could have wriiten that letter! The drinking episode, being forced to get married, knowing that my faith was failing and not being able to admit it to anyone.....begging god to show himself to me...All of it! You wrote that letter for many people!! There will be lots who can relate!

 

Thank you for sharing your letter and I am looking forward to hearing much more from you!

 

You are sooooo, not alone!! Welcome To Ex-c where all the 'questioners' live!!

 

Sincerely, Margee

[GardenerGal]

Once I saw, once I saw that I didn't believe, I couldn't un-see it. It was truly as though I'd been holding back the truth for so many years and finally it caught up to me. I felt so FREE.

 

Yup!

[Akheia]

Welcome! I'm glad you shared your story. I'd been wondering. What an amazing thing that your husband was not only okay with your confession but relieved. I'm so happy for the two of you.

 

A Jesus retreat really is the weirdest damn thing ever, isn't it? Like you bottle up all that fizzy craziness, shake the bottle a few dozen times, then uncork it and watch the fireworks. I credit much of my own deconversion to the odd and dichotomous things I saw attending one or two of them.

[Peace]

Just a little update.

 

I told my best friend 2 weeks ago and she was as accepting and non-judgmental as I assumed she'd be. That is, of course, why I started with her.

 

On Sunday I took my mom out for belated Mother's day and decided to let a little info slip into the conversation. It started because I said something and she asked what we were teaching our dd.

 

I told her we were teaching her she will have to decide for herself. I then told her dh and I were on a little 'time out' and we were taking some serious time to study the bible's origins, etc.

 

She asked me a TON of questions. You know the ones: Then where did we come from? Then where does good and evil come from? What about hearing his voice? If we're not following god aren't we just doing whatever is right in our own eyes? What about the 'proof' that Jesus existed? (and she claimed there's proof of his resurrection? ) and then I made the mistake of telling her how awful huge chunks of the bible are and she dismissed most of them because they're from the OT (because the OT isn't what xtianity was built on? ).

 

She took it pretty well considering. She said she trusted god would show himself to me.

 

Obviously the real discussions (if I choose to participate) will come when she realizes we aren't coming back around and are very sure of our own beliefs.

 

I feel so incredibly lucky that my dh and I have somehow landed on the same page in all of this. If anything my deconversion has bridged some huge gaps we had and makes his beliefs and opinions so much clearer. Who woulda thought?

[Positivist]

She said she trusted god would show himself to me.

You can always (keep) ask(ing) her to keep praying for you. Then she will also have an unanswered prayer to add to her very own growing collection! All the while, it lets you off the hook.....

I feel so incredibly lucky that my dh and I have somehow landed on the same page in all of this. If anything my deconversion has bridged some huge gaps we had and makes his beliefs and opinions so much clearer.

Yes, you are so fortunate!! My DH has only been able to say he is no longer charismatic/pentecostal....somewhere between whatever that is and agnostic (on his bad days--AKA his good days ).

 

I really enjoyed your story, BTW. Charismania is quite the shitload of bricks from under which one must crawl on her way to sanity!

[RintrahRoars]

Awesome read!

 

It really is like looking behind the curtain isn't it?

 

Indeed. The image that came to my mind was Kevin in Home Alone telling the furnace to shut up

[Akheia]

I'm glad your mom took it as well as she did. Her questions are the spoon-fed apologetics church taught her, clearly, but you're more than up to answering those if she's genuinely curious. Thankfully her love for you trumped her dogma.

[Peace]

I'm glad your mom took it as well as she did. Her questions are the spoon-fed apologetics church taught her, clearly, but you're more than up to answering those if she's genuinely curious. Thankfully her love for you trumped her dogma.

I definitely am grateful that she has grown as a person since I was in highschool. Had I made these announcements then I can only imagine what she would have done. She was flaming back then.

 

I don't know how much she was listening and how much she was waiting for her turn to talk. We shall see, I suppose.

 

She said she trusted god would show himself to me.

You can always (keep) ask(ing) her to keep praying for you. Then she will also have an unanswered prayer to add to her very own growing collection! All the while, it lets you off the hook.....

Oh I'm quite certain that at some point I'd be accused of not accepting God's evidence or not listening. We all know that's where they take it.

[FeelHappy]

Good story, I also came from the Pentecostal background. Even while being a full blown Pentecostal, I'd have moments of realization how bizarre and embarrassing it was when I'd bring someone to church with me. I'd just hope and pray that someone didn't stand up speak in tongues and then someone else would stand up and interpret, gawd how embarrassing that was.

[electech98]

Thank you for your story, Peace. I hope you are able to stay on the boards for a long time to come and tell us how things are going.

[Peace]

Good story, I also came from the Pentecostal background. Even while being a full blown Pentecostal, I'd have moments of realization how bizarre and embarrassing it was when I'd bring someone to church with me. I'd just hope and pray that someone didn't stand up speak in tongues and then someone else would stand up and interpret, gawd how embarrassing that was.

When I was going to the baptist school I tried to keep my weird church practices under wraps. I had a friend and he actually came to church with me one Sunday. I remember hoping things would be chill but it was the day some random woman (probably homeless, probably on drugs, if I remember correctly) wandered in off the street and somehow ended up at the front of the church giving her 'testimony' and being prayed for by the whole church. Even at the time I could see she was obviously not mentally well. Then the whole church (I went to a really small church) filed through the food pantry the church had just started and one by one laid hands on the food praying in tongues. I thought I'd burst into flames I was so uncomfortable.

[freeasabird]

Good story, I also came from the Pentecostal background. Even while being a full blown Pentecostal, I'd have moments of realization how bizarre and embarrassing it was when I'd bring someone to church with me. I'd just hope and pray that someone didn't stand up speak in tongues and then someone else would stand up and interpret, gawd how embarrassing that was.

When I was going to the baptist school I tried to keep my weird church practices under wraps. I had a friend and he actually came to church with me one Sunday. I remember hoping things would be chill but it was the day some random woman (probably homeless, probably on drugs, if I remember correctly) wandered in off the street and somehow ended up at the front of the church giving her 'testimony' and being prayed for by the whole church. Even at the time I could see she was obviously not mentally well. Then the whole church (I went to a really small church) filed through the food pantry the church had just started and one by one laid hands on the food praying in tongues. I thought I'd burst into flames I was so uncomfortable.

 

In my old AoG church, I recall noticing the sermon and speaking in tongues being more subdued when there were very many new guests present. In fact on recollection I would now guess he used the "who's a visitor with us today?" to help determine how aggressive or not to make his sermon.

[Legion]

Peace, thank you.

 

Thank you for coming here and sharing your story with us. I'm blown away. I'm actually tearing up a bit.

 

In my opinion...

 

Your mind is good.

Your heart is strong and noble.

Your language is crisp and would make me a fool to criticize.

Your avatar rocks like an avalanche.

We are more for your presence.

 

Welcome to ex-C.