Mil In Nursing Home

[Ro-bear]

Some of you may recall an earlier thread about my poor mother-in-law, Dora, who suffers from Alzheimer's. It's gotten real bad. She talks like a drunk person now, only less articulate. Plus she leaves out words, so she can't carry on a conversation at all. This is new and troubling for my wife, who now has to accept her mother is gone...but not gone.

 

The first place we tried didn't work out; Dora escaped the first night and was finally found in a Wal-Mart parking lot, very lost and scared. It kills me to think of this fine woman in such a state. The place we moved her into yesterday is better and much nearer to my wife and me. In fact, it is on my way home from work, so I can pop in a few times a week to say hi or take her for a walk, like I did today. She thought I was her brother, Bud. She doesn't know me anymore, but she seems to know she should know me. Mostly I let her talk. She babbles like a child. But sometimes a real big word comes out, like "obfuscation" or "paradigm". Something is still going on in there, but nobody knows what. It was hard to leave today, but even harder being there. The place itself is not depressing, but all the old folks staring into their laps is.

 

My wife just got home from putting her to bed. I wonder how long this is going to last.

[Galien]

Hugs to you and your wife Ro. This is some of the hardest, saddest shit in life to deal with.

[older]

I remember your thread well. Having dealt with my mom who hung on until age 96, and now my m.i.l. who is 93, I can assure you that you have done the right thing. It's hard on you and your wife emotionally but your m.i.l. is in the care of professionals who can do things for her that, realistically, you can't. When my mom got to the state of your m.i.l., I would just stop by and give her a monologue of what I, and the family, had been up to. Although she couldn't respond, she seemed to understand somewhat. Beyond telling her that you love her, that's about all you can do.

 

From a practical standpoint, be sure your wishes for her final moments are in writing, on the proper forms, and at the facility. Here in California there is a form that needs to be there else the paramedics must resuscitate and take her to the e.r. We didn't have that form and my mom suffered an additional hour because of that.

 

Best to you and yours.

[Vigile]

When we put my grandmother in a home for the same reason, she used to go 'shopping' in the other patient's rooms. Whenever wedding rings and odd pieces of clothing disappeared they usually turned up in my grandmother's room.

 

It's sad watching someone you love go through this. The last time I saw her she was laying down on the bed in pain, but had the state of mind of a toddler. I stroked her hair to try and give her some relief as she curled up in a fetal position complaining 'it hurts, it hurts...' Makes me really sad to think of that day.

[Blue elephant]

Sounds to me like you have cared for her yourselves for as long as you possibly could. Many of us will face this in the coming years. There comes a time when caring for an old person yourself is not the kindest thing you can do for them.

[Margee]

Ro bear, my heart goes out to you...last week my dear, 'classy', 91 year old MIL was calling the police to have her whole apartment finger-printed because people were switching all her appliances and she claims everything in her apartment is different. She is moving in with us in one month. We are getting her room ready right now. My MIL sounds very drunk also and she can't hear a thing....very hard to hold a conversation. I am stressed to the 9's. It is so awful to watch this. This is a woman who used to belong to the 'golf country club. This is all very hard to watch.

 

They tell us one year before we can get her in to a nursing home...... we are working on all the details right now.

 

You are very lucky to have a place so close by, to drop in and give her a hug. That's what they need more than anything. My MIL gets so scared when her brain goes into parinoia. I always try to make her laugh.

Personally, I wish I could run away from home...but I'll stay and do the right thing.......

 

My heart breaks for you and your family. Best of everything, my friend.

[Akheia]

Oh Ro... I'm so sorry, sweetie, so sorry to hear about Dora's continued deterioration. But I admit I was gravely concerned about her escape from the first facility and really hoping you could find her a better place. I can't even imagine how sad it must be to see her slip like this, and all that makes it easier is knowing that she has two people nearby who love her and visit her often.

[spherr]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. I can completely understand what you are going through. My grandmother has a combination of Parkinson's and dementia. She doesn't even know who I am, and barely knows who my mom or uncle are anymore. Technically, shes still here, but the grandma I knew from growing up is gone.

[florduh]

Sorry. I know what you guys are going through. Hang in there.

[LivingLife]

Robear, there are no words. Alzheimer's sucks. I cared for my dad till he died, 7 months after he took a turn for the worse. We had no decent homes here and both my uncles had been there and we had no good reports.

 

After he no longer could walk and was confined to a wheelchair, it was just waiting for nature to run its course. I do not recommend personal care unless you really have the fortitude for it. This is a huge mental drain and is heartbreaking to witness.

 

On the positive, they are not really aware of what is happening, memories are random.

[♦ nivek ♦]

Ro,

 

Not having parents live long I'll never know the pain you and yours are fighting with now.

 

Having been in the Bambulance Bizz for as long as I've been seen quite a few folks who are at the end of their lives. We have transported those who need a place long in empathy and solace along with quiet to end their lives in dignity.

 

MIL in a place where folks can look after her is a better thing than trying to do all of the intense labor needed to keep a mind sick person intact in your home.

 

In cases such as yours its gonna suck when she goes, but will be one huge relief off your shoulders when it happens.

 

kevinl

[Ro-bear]

 

You are very lucky to have a place so close by, to drop in and give her a hug. That's what they need more than anything.

 

 

I am told that patients who are visited frequently receive better care. That's what we want, in addition to providing the human contact she still needs and giving her the dignity of having her continued existence, such as it is, acknowledged. When I look at Dora, my mind sees the shell that is, but my heart sees the woman that was. When she goes, I don't want Sandy or myself to think we did less than we ought to have done. Dora has always been there for us and our children, and we will do the same for her. There is so little we can do, though. The only way we can pay her back is to be there for our children the way she was there for us.

 

Perhaps I am a coward, but I don't think I'll endure this for myself. If I get that diagnosis, I will probably choose to check out early.

 

Thanks to all of you for your expressions of sympathy. It really means a lot to me and to Sandy, who is hurting more than I can know.

[hereticzero]

When my wife and I lived in Denver, my wife provided respite care for alzheimer patients so their care providers could take a break, usually for a weekend or a week at the most. I've helped take care of my terminally ill mother who lived another 13 years after being told she only had six months to live! She did not have alzheimers but towards the end her mind went because of her illness. She insisted I was her brother and my wife was her youngest sister who had been dead for over 25 years. Being close and caring for those we love is a tremendous burden but one we do none the less. End-stage process of dying is never easy to watch and wait upon, everyone goes at their own pace. Life would be much easier if when the time came for us to die, we would just simply die and that would be it but unfortunately, life is not that kind to us.

 

You will be sad when your mother-in-law passes away buy you will have the happier memories for a buffer when it comes to grieving. You can also take solace in the fact you and your wife did the most you were able to do for Dora while she was alive. Placing someone in the care of strangers is also not an easy thing to do, yet many times it has to be done.

[noob]

Ro-bear, my heart hurts for you and your wife, Sandy. I am so sorry that you are going through this but I'm glad that Dora has such a loving family.

[Kurari]

You are a fine man, Ro. A very, very fine man. And Dora is so lucky to have you and Sandy.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss, even though Dora is still alive. It's messy and it stinks and it's especially frustrating because they are there, but not there, and you can't grieve properly.

 

Just remember that even though cognitively Dora can't understand much, your human contact is doing worlds for her. She knows someone kind is there for her and it makes her feel better. Hard as this is for you, you are doing something amazing.

 

And remember for you and Sandy to get support for yourselves...try grief counseling, joining a group for folks going through the same issues, or make sure to visit and talk to friends. Do things life affirming for yourselves so you can rest and rejuvenate.

 

I wish you and yours only the best.