Forceful Inlaws

[LuNa81]

Hello, I started a new post to introduce myself and talk a little more about this so my husbands post (Crow).

 

I'm in my 30's. I'm not that much older than he is DANG! . He told you we have 2 boys. We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary a couple of months ago. I noticed that he mentioned that I used to be Wiccan when he met me. I wasn't running around being all mysterious and all that, I used to practice by myself and very few people knew. I mention it because it's something I hope I can talk more about later.

 

Short story on me and then I'll get to it. I grew up with my dad and stepmom, mom ran out early and the other two were pretty abusive. I got knocked around quite a bit and some of the crap they did was just unreal. I'll keep most of that to myself because this is not a abuse survival board and I've worked through all that. Just thought it would help to understand my point of view on things a bit.

 

I was divorced before I met Crow. We were very young. Everybody survived.We get along and my oldest son is fine. Our families (besides Crows extended family) have blended very well. My ex mother in law even loves Crow and considers him another son. None of this makes any difference to his family though. They are about one thing and one thing only. Cooperate Christianity and you are either with it or there is hell to pay! They don't take credit cards though. They want peices of your sanity, dignity and self.

 

I am first of all infuriated with the way they have treated my husband. I don't know how they ever expected anybody to keep up with all their demands. Be at church 3 to 4 days a week, go to high school, hold down a job, take dual enrollment classes. There was no refusing to do this. They put so much pressure on him to be the chosen one that he nearly lost his mind. When I met him he was in a terrible way. He was practicing a very dark form of Wicca. He was actually quite scary and I wasn't sure I should be talking to this guy. Somehow I just forged on. I felt a strong draw and connection to him. The more we talked and got to know each other we just fell for each other and after a while we found out we're having a baby. It was all very natural at first. Very unlike my first husband. Enter his ridiculous family.

 

Rule #1 in NeoNazi Christian land. We DO NOT consort with people who are divorced. It is the equivilent of making it with a dirty pair of socks. Sooo that in combination with the fact that I grew up in a trailer park, didn't possess the typical blonde hair bob, small frame, no college degree or well known family meant "this girl needs to go". So they commenced operation get rid of me. They begged him and even offered to pay for him to have a full college ride, all expenses paid if he would agree to move away and work with them and lawyers to get my baby away from me. The idea was that he would go and they would raise him as their own. Nothing worked. He would not leave us. We were getting married. We wanted to go to courthouse and do it with our friends and people who were supportive of us.They forced us to get married in a church full of people I didn't know and the whole time they were all looking so judging at us and wouldn't even speak to me.

It was by far one of the most embarrassing days for me.

 

I just felt like I was suffocating anytime they were around. Still do.They would stare at me coldly and I could just feel the uneasiness. It was awful and had a part in causing us to start arguing. That and being new parents is never completely easy.

 

A little bit later we moved out to this trailer in the county. It wasn't much, but it was paid for and we were affording everything ok. He was working 3rd shift. We had some trouble with our septic tank and at this time they been on him heavy about not living in a trailer. Well when the septic tank blew we didn't have a grand to get a new line and he didn't have time to fool with it working 3rd shift . His family made us an offer. Move near us and we'll help you guys out until Crow graduates and then you can do it on your own. It seemed at the time we didn't have a choice since we didn't have savings for the repair. They trapped us finanically.....

 

That's when all hell broke loose (in the name of the lord of course). They demanded that we be present for church. There was no refusing. If we refused they would show up in a snit and take our kids. There was nothing we could say because "they" were helping "us". She inspected my sons clothes and if they weren't ironed properly making caddy commments. They took our son whenever they felt like it, made no apologies for us not being able to find him for 3 or 4 days. They came over to our house and would complain if it wasn't clean enough. Stand on our porch and call me trailer trash, say I go no raising when I did anything to offend them. I was meek at this time too and never said much of anything caddy, so the offenses would be something stupid like "we were 10 minutes late to a luncheon". They decided that it was time for me to have makeover since they couldn't get rid of me and took me to what they called "my big girl haircut" and made me wear clothes that wasn't me. Tried to dress it up I guess. They complained about my family (and they were crazy so..), they complained about my oldest sons dad, they wanted to get rid of his grandmother too. It was just so much and I'd never been around these types of people before so my mind was BLOWN. After a while I just started giving in and trying to be what I was supposed to be.

 

At some point Crow lost his mind again and started failing school. The tyrany coming from them was constant so I now understand what was going on with him. I found out and there was a big thing and we ended up splitting up for a while. They were ELATED!! Man the guns and hire the lawyers. I tried to apologize to his mother one day for all the fuss and I'll never forget what she said to me. "I don't like you, you don't belong here, this is the way it is and this is the way it's always going to be". Then she flounced off. The only thing is that were weren't letting go that easy. We worked it out and decided they could no longer help us with anything because they were too controlling. We thought that would be the end of it. He started working, I started school and got some med certifications. Then they started guilt tripping us over the kids saying that they need us to get right with the Lord and we bought into it. The past years have been us trying so hard to fit in with what I now know is a society club. I tried to believe it. I tried to live it and it never mattered. We were always the ones who lost our way and had to prove ourselves week

[LuNa81]

Say hello to our cat. She just posted before I was done . Anyway, We were contantly proving ourselves to the same people who stood around the day we got married. That's what the whole thing has come to. But wait it gets stranger. You wouldn't think so but it does.

 

His family is so intent on controlling us because we are the waywards who never should have been. We tried to avoid them, They know people from all these churches all over the place. If we weren't there they knew. All of my sons teachers they knew and the teachers oddly never liked me and I had a very hard time with them. Something went on with my son at school. They knew. It got to the point we would be worried about anybody we talked to about anything because people love to climb their social ladders so they would in turn tell them what they know. It's not even anything THAT bad, it's just that they're creepy in the way they want all this intel and they judge us on any slight. My son didn't study like they thought he should ect...They don't even know because they're not here.

 

They think is that our youngest son especially needs them becasue he doesn't have good role models in us. That's what makes me the most mad! They have talked about us behind our backs telling him about how his dad messed up his life. They told my husband one day in front of him that he's not a man because he didn't have his family in Church. This happened because of our response to the fact that they talked my son into going up front to get saved when he was 7 telling him it was his Spiritual Birthday. He thought he was getting presents. They wagged thier fingers at us and told us we missed a very important step for him. I got pissed and told my husband to go get him and that's what happened when he got there. We told them they couldn't take him to church anymore and started dealing with the guilt and fear over if it might have been real or not.

 

This went on forever until we gave in to it and started participating. I led the youth. I LED THE YOUTH!! You know what those people didn't even care what was going on as long as the numbers were up. I started losing them when they would ask me hard questions that didn't make sense and I couldn't find a way to make it make sense I didn't think it made sense either. I would tell them I don't want to do this anymore. They would tell me there is nobody else to do this because they didn't want to pay a youth leader. I sang in Church all the time. I led a childrens choir, I cleaned the church, I taught VBS. As long as I was busy they would stay somewhat at bay. I knew that and I stayed busy. What happened? Who am I? What the hell am I doing? They don't even think anything of us now they're just leaving us alone a little more. This is what I would think then I would push it down because the stress they bring if I'm not doing it is worse than the stress of doing it.

 

All of this and more has led us to this point. His family will never stop trying to make us go to church and especially trying to get to our kids, mainly the youngest to indoctrinate him. My anger comes from the fact that they are some of the meanest people I ever known and the fact that I feel like they have stolen 10 years of my kid away from me. We have had to fight like hell to instill any of our values and have been some successfull, but my son is at war with himself even now. He feels caught between us and his other family who do no approve of us. It's a terrible place for him to be, it's a terrible place for us to be.

 

I don't even know how to begin to disect all of it now that we have FINALLY moved away. I wish we were further, but this distance is a good start. I went from being a spiritual person in a way that I understood to complete insanity for reasons I do not understand and now I just don't know.... Anyway, if anybody actually read all this congratulations. It helped to vent it out. I'm sure I'm also not coherent. We have a long way to go.

[Crow]

Hey baby, thank you for posting. I think it will do us good.

 

I hate that all this has been so damaging and I'm sorry for it. I guess I should cut them loose but I don't know if I can.

 

"I'm a grown ass man" and I'm still scared of them.

 

I know we've talked about this, but the real issue for you is my family and their bad religion and not so much the religion itself. Right?

[Blue elephant]

It is good that you and your husband are on the same page. I think that as children get older they develop a perspective on who was nice and honest and who was nasty in the family. Even if they are swayed by more superficial things as children.

 

I trust that you will be able to increase the distance from these people over time.

 

What a wonderful example of the "fruits of the spirit" your inlaws are!

 

btw, you are not the only folks on the Ex-C forums who have nasty and deceitful Christian in-laws. I'm sure you'll be hearing from some of these people before long.

 

Congratulations for having your own mind and using it to think clearly! You deserve a medal!

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

Last I checked, Crow, you married your wife. Your family trying to make you put them first is damaging to your "holy" marriage (and they know it, they are COUNTING on this fact), and you will have to absolutely put your foot down. I understand what it is like to have family own you by your balls financially. If that is all they have on you, meaning that you could be potentially homeless if you cut them off, then start preparing for it now. Your children are at an age that their opinions are forming about you and what family is, and to allow warped views persist is horrific. Being poor is better than being comfortable and owned.

 

They actually show up and TAKE your kids? Unless there is a court order in place, you seriously need to file a report against them EVERY time these children are taken without your permission. Shit, I would insist you supervise visits at your home, and the instant they start shit, boot them out. EVEN if the place you are staying is in their name, you have rights, and they cannot throw you out over night.

 

Prepare. This is your pesonal apocalypse you are letting take place. To end it means war, but it IS worth it. I've done it myself, single, with kids. This is where your rights as a husband and father should trump everything else.

[Akheia]

I'm with Zomberina 100%. They can only do to you what you allow them to do to you. They're not helping you, they're not doing anything but hurting you two and your kid and your marriage, so you're fully within your rights to call the cops if they set foot on your property. It's better to be living in a car without those people in your lives than to be beholden to nasty, horrible people who'll blackmail and extort your obedience. Seriously, those are some of the most evil people I've ever heard of--it took a few reads to figure out they were Christian (it was around when you mentioned leading VBS that I realized), though honestly it's not like every one of us hasn't been damaged or hurt by Christians.

 

You have my complete and unreserved permission to sever all ties to these toxic, evil cunts. I had to cut contact with my dad, though not for religious reasons, and it was very hard at first--he wasn't even helping me materially at all, but it was still hard. It's normal to feel a weird kind of allegiance to parents. But Crow and Luna, you guys have got to realize that you two are adults. They are trying to keep you in a child role. Makes them happy to be in authority over you. Like all controlling abusers, they will do whatever it fucking takes to keep you there. If you continue to let them have that hold over you, then you are allowing this abuse to happen. This is your war, and you must be ready to fight for your marriage and your children. You must be ready to take the fight one step further than they are. Change your phone numbers and make 'em unlisted. Send all their letters back undelivered. Set their email addresses on auto-block so you don't even see them come in. Refuse to open the door should they ring the bell, and put a sign up in the window saying you're calling 911 right now if they don't go away. There is absolutely no length I'd refuse to go to to free myself of that kind of evil.

 

They do not deserve your time, attention, or love right now. Maybe not ever. But you must be ready to fight, because they have demonstrated that they are more than ready to do so--and right now they are willing to go to further lengths than you are. You must change that. You have my permission to do so. Please do so. I'm rooting for your family. Good luck.

[jblueep]

Hi Luna and Crow,

 

I agree with Zomberina and Akeia. First and foremost, you must fully see that you are in an abusive situation. You are being abused, plain and simple. I know that's an obvious point, but sometimes it's hard to see that clearly when it's family or religion that is doing it.

 

In my opinion, you need to leave your state or at the very least move many, many hours away from all of these people as quickly as possible. That is likely the best way to break away. Move and don't leave a forwarding address. Change you phone #s. Then you can start to deal more easily with how this abuse happened to you and learn how to prevent it from happening again with anyone else in the future.

 

Whether or not you leave your faith is another matter. Obviously, the people on this board including me would tell you that leaving your faith is just as important. Christianity is abusive no matter the form. Even the nicest form of it is abusive regardless of the intentions of its participants. I can attest to that personally.

 

Best wishes and I'm glad you found this place for support.

 

J

[florduh]

Some people use their religion as a weapon or an excuse for being dicks. Not everyone you know or are related to is worthy of sharing your life; many are actually dangerous to keep around. Cut 'em loose, permanently.

[blackpudd1n]

Hey Luna,

 

The one impression I kept getting as I read your posts is that this isn't about you, or where you've been or what you've done in life. It's all about your in-laws need for control. You could have been a virgin from a wealthy christian family, good housewife, everything else, but they'd still have an issue with you, because it's not about you. Crow's family are giving you a particularly hard time because they want to be able to have full control over him again, and you're standing in the way.

 

I believe everything you say- both my sister and I have cut our biological mother off, because she does the exact same shit. We have to protect ourselves and our families from her.

 

Crow, I don't doubt that you believed in christianity sincerely. But I can pretty much guarantee that your family doesn't. Religion is just the justification they use to exert control over your life. They are trying to get rid of Luna so they can have you back right where they want you. I'm sorry to say this, but I've seen all this before, and they're not going to back off until you make a stand. Give them the terms of acceptable contact and the first time they step outside the boundaries start systematically cutting them off. First time change the phone number and don't ever give them the new one. That's the warning. If they continue their harrassment, just move and don't tell them. They have no right to do any of this, not to you, not to Luna, not to your kids. Don't let them guilt trip either of you into seeing them. Don't let them use the kids against you. They relinquished any rights to see your kids when they started disrespecting you to your children.

 

Hang in there, Luna. Don't let them take away the essence of your being. *Hugs*

 

Pudd

[mcdaddy]

I have to disagree that it's necessarily about "control" in these types of situations. It could be, but I think in most cases it's just that they truly feel like you're about to resign your soul to hell and they're trying to prevent it. The only good answer to this problem, in my view, is education. If they're scared of you going to hell above all else, you could reference them to some books that go deep into where the myth of hell began, how it's not in the OT, its a concept borrowed from other pagan religions, etc. And then maybe lay the seed of thought that how could an all loving God send his creation to hell for just following the evidence where it leads? Maybe say you're open to a deistic god, but a theistic one who meddles around in everything (well, not anymore) doesn't make sense to you. just my opinion.

[Exevolt]

As with many others I agree with Zomberina.

[mcdaddy]

Just realized my post was in the wrong thread. Oops. Maybe it applies, but after reading your OP it probably doesn't, they are crazy.

[Akheia]

I was wondering

[Margee]

Welcome luNa!! I sympathize with your whole situation and could relate on many points. I just made this reply to another post and it is the first time ever on Ex-c that I copied and pasted the same response for you because I feel so strongly about this issue today. I just feel that I want to share this with you.

 

May I share my experience of life with you? I have no advise... just living experience.

 

All my life, I have tried to do the right thing, even when it wasn't the right thing to do in my heart. Basic people pleaser. That's who I have been all my life. The human race has a need to bully and control because of people's beliefs and opinions that they claim are 'right'. I listened to everybody my whole life and tried to do as they 'suggested'. I even had someone 'suggest' that I stay in an abusive marriage and work things out - so I did and it was not fun.

 

I have been bullied by people my whole life. I allowed it. Clients, family, friends, relatives and church. The world is full of manipulators, dictators and con artists that want you to 'think' as they do. I was always the good girl who tried to please everyone. And I also lived in mild depression my whole adult life.

 

Then somehow, somewhere.....the freethinker in me showed up and pulled me out of the quicksand I was sinking in and changed my whole life. I did not share my new 'opinions' with anyone at first. Then I started to open up...more and more....... everyday I got stronger and stronger as I 'voiced' my own opinions very gently to family and friends....

 

I don't say much - I don't go looking for an argument, but if anyone asks me now how I feel about something.. I ask them back, ''Do you want me to lie or do you want me to tell you my truth'? If they say, 'tell me your truth - I do... whether they can handle it or not.

And this would pertain to any other subject - not just religion.

 

My freedom of mind is soooooo important to me at this stage of my life, that I am prepared to even live by myself and survive alone if I have to. I will not allow anyone to 'bully' my mind again..... no one.......

 

I will always continue to try to do the right things in all relationships and be as loving and kind as I can..... but, I will 'speak my truth' to whoever I have to......

 

NO one is allowed to tell me how to 'think' anymore. That is the only freedom I feel I have, living in the controlled world we do. And it feels good.

 

.....just wanted to share that with you today.

 

Best wishes as you fight for your freedom.............

 

Sincerely, Margee

[Suzanne]

Wow. Completely beyond anything I've ever encountered. While reading this, my only thoughts were: run. Run now, run as fast and as far as you can from this situation. You'll thank yourselves later, and so will your kid. I sincerely hope things will get better.

[jackbauer]

I raged just reading that. I amazed at how evil and controlling Christians can be. Lemme guess, they're the type who would act all hurt and offended if you stand your ground, right? That's also very typical of religious people. They play the "helpful" people (even though you never asked for their help) while you are the ungrateful heathen. It's very manipulative and enraging, but if you recognize it, you can diminish their power over you.

[SusanStoHeli]

They're the type you cannot trust. They think they own Crow and the kids, and you are worthless. I'm glad you've moved a little away, but I really think what would help you both a ton would be to take some time entirely off from them. No call, no visits, no emails - for at least 2 months. It'll help Crow to realize that while they were the absolute rulers and in control when he was growing up, now you're adults, their equals, and their superiors when it comes to YOUR children and YOUR life and YOUR marriage. You are in complete control, you just have to realize it.

[LuNa81]

Wow, thanks. I wasn't really sure anybody would actually read all of that. I got started and couldn't stop. One thing that kind of floored me after I wrote it all out was that I left out a lot. That by itself is astounding. They really are a screwy bunch.

 

Hey baby, thank you for posting. I think it will do us good.

 

I hate that all this has been so damaging and I'm sorry for it. I guess I should cut them loose but I don't know if I can.

 

"I'm a grown ass man" and I'm still scared of them.

 

I know we've talked about this, but the real issue for you is my family and their bad religion and not so much the religion itself. Right?

 

You have absolutely nothing to apoligize for where they are concerned! I was taking in every bit as much as you and I know you have suffered far worse because you have been in it your entire life. I shared your fear for a long time. First my concern is you. Then I'm concerned about the kids and finding our way back to a healthy place spiritually if that's still something you decide you are looking for. I know you feel the same way I do and I know that you haven't found that burning inside of you yet to stand up. I can keep this going with them indefinately because I'm over their manipulation, but I do think that an important part of your growth is going to be to get past the fear. At this point for me the fear is gone and I guess have to get past the anger to find my way back. I didn't want to do this because the urge to suppress is huge, but I can see now how it can be thereputic for both of us to see it all laid out. It's been a wild ride and I know you share my desire to get over it, realize we're not the crazy ones and settle down. I love you so much. I know that you are doing everything you can.

 

I appreciate all the validation. It's all so confusing at the time because there was a need and they offered a lifeline, but it was not for free. The preacher said week after week that "the gift is free", but I don't see how that's true. In addition to ripping guilt and fear that we will be ostrisized, there is a reason more poorer people are not in Church. I'm not talking about dirt poor because at some point we had enough to get by. Once our financial situation got a little better we were still "keeping up with the Jones's" and trying to earn our place in his family and community. At one time we were so desperate to "do the right thing" and the preacher kept saying that if you will "trust" and "give" even if you don't have extra then you "will be blessed". We ran a checking account into the ground like that one time. Trying to make out 10% we would overdraw and "trust" for the blessings. Well I lost my job and what ensued after that was months of service fees. After that we didn't tithe anymore so the idea then was that we had to be hard workers for the Lord. There isin't as much prestige in that though so we have to deal with being looked down on. (that's a little off topic, but it came to mind. I just don't see the spirituality in that)

 

Back to it. There's truth in every post here even the guy who thought he was in the wrong thread lol. No problem guy, thanks for chiming in . I'm sure they do believe that we are going to hell. At least on some level they do, but then again there is a massive play for control. We kept them away some by participating in Church, hiding as much as we could, lying if we could get away with it. Those were the only tools we had at the time because we were stuck. I should mention that at some point we were not connected to them financially. We took that away and had to sacrifice because of it. My husband is still not done with school because he had to start working and will not be done for quite a while. But wait, they had a new manipulative plan.We lived in an apt. complex. It was nice, it was a townhouse.We had a lot of kids around and they came over all the time.Parents would be gone and it was hard to get my kids focused on schoolwork and just have general privacy as a family so that could be a bit frustrating. Kids would get into stuff sometimes as kids do and the landlord was pretty strict. New offer came in from the family. His aunt and uncle had a house empty. Brick, 3 bedrooms, a yard and we wouldn't be tied financially because we would pay rent and it would be lower than what we paid now enabling us to get ready to buy. We were ify on it, but in the end we did it....BIG MISTAKE and the catalyst for the end. What actually happened was they lowered our rent $10 less than what we were paying. We ended up in a house with an antique air conditioner, a screwed up septic tank and responsible for all the repairs and we were stuck. We couldn't save at all because were actually paying more since our utilities went up like $200 for all the leaks and heating/air cost. We lived in the city and didn't even know the house was on septic until it backed up and I called the plumber to come and unclog the pipes that didn't exist. We found out that the septic was shot and his aunt and uncle refused to do anything about it saying it wasn't shot so we lived for 2 years with septic water in the back yard. We couldn't let our kids out there and just had to deal with it because we were afraid to call the health dept. , sue, anything else. They had us again. Here's the ironic thing...you would think his parents would have been all over this since the first time we had these types of septic problems we had to get our children away from that, but no...We were encouraged not to cause problems and "it can't be that bad". To be honest we didn't have the money it would take to hire an attorney or leave to go somewhere else and start all that drama. Stuck again! They let us live there for a year and half with a broken AC unit and we had a friend let us have a window unit so we at least had one room that was cool. We finally came up with the money and fixed the unit. This is when I got pissed! I decided that these people are full of s*it! I will not let them fool me again and set out to figure a way out of this mess.

 

Even while all of this was going on I was still going to church, going to church, going to church. They had spies EVERYWHERE. I know I sound like a crazy person, but they really turned us into paranoid people. The house was on a main road in town. We would be on our porch and would see them and people they knew driving by our house several times a day. If we didn't answer the phone (drive by). If we said we could make it to church (drive by). If we tried to say we couldn't participate in something they wanted to do or our youngest son wasn't feeling up to spending the night, or several between the whole family depending on whatever they felt like (drive by). They would even get him and take him out of town without telling us until someobdy finally answer the damn phone 3 days later.This was even better than planted spies and were paying out our as$es for it. It got to the point that we were afraid to sit on the porch and drink a beer. We would stay inside and draw the blinds. We were miserable!

 

Finally BOILING POINT! We came in contact with this woman who thought she could help us buy a house. She put us in contact with another woman from a lending agency. We weren't sure and I KNOW nobody in his family thought we would ever pull this off. They had us perfectly. She took a look at our credit and found a program we could qualify for with a fixed interest rate. I hit the floor crying. I couldn't believe it! Neither of us could! It took us a few months to find a house and this was all very hush hush. We didn't tell anybody for a while and we sprung it on them about a month before we moved. They started asking a ton of questions and I tried to avoid it because you never know who they know. One day they were asking us some questions. Keep in mind it's not always yelling, it's manipulating so sometimes they will act like they are in our corner to get information. I let the name of the loan program slip and SON OF A *****. The night before we were set to sign our closing papers our agent called us and told us that everything blew up. A guy from the program office called after another person had approved our loan and asked for our loan to look at it again. He denied it and didn't give a really good reason. Only that the critera is just not there. We were all SHOCKED...well all of us except his family who was being oddly quiet after the conversation about the type of loan we had been approved for. I called his grandmother and told her. She said "awww I'm sorry", but I didn't hear any shock or true dissapointment there. I thought it was a done deal so I wasn't worried about them being able to do anything. The agent said she had never seen that happen before. Well, we were a couple of days late in closing because our agent, who was crying too. We had really gotten to know each other and she knew about a lot of stuff we had gone through. Buying our first house was so emotional. Somehow she was able to get our same loan into another fixed rate loan program and approved by the next day to go to closing. We didn't say a WORD. We just closed and then told them. BOOM! GONE!! We moved out that night. This time they did seem suprised. I have no proof and could never get proof, but I will probrably always wonder if they had something to do with that.

 

Since then I have turned it all the way on. I did what I had to do to bide time and keep what little peace possible for our family, but I don't deal with caddy manipulation anymore. I have no problem being mean to people who are being mean to me and I'm NOT scared of them. The problem they have and I'm sure some of you ladies will understand. They thought I was stupid because I grew up in a trailer and ain't had none raisin. They severely underestimated me and my love for my husband and my kids. I agree with BlackPudd.....they do want to control him in some twisted ways. I wish I could say this is all, but there's more. There's always more.

 

The new trick they have going on is that they won't stop calling him. We've told them over and over if they want to call and plan anything or see our son then call me. They refuse to do it, they won't call me becasue they don't want to deal with me since I have stopped them from getting their way several times now. I've also gotten publicly pissed when they tried to humilate me on a public social forum. I basically told his aunt she is uncouth (they called me that before it was LIBERATING lol) and to mind her buisiness where my son was concerned and lay off my husband. They know he works nights and sleeps days, they don't care. They're being rude. I've told them straight up. They just ignore me and go for him. It's making this process harder for him.

 

I guess for all my rambling the main point is. We have been through quite an ordeal and it has been centered around church and christian values. I cannot remember so stressed an unhappy in my entire life and I had been through a lot before I ever met these people. I want to find that piece of myself again who was happy and felt full spiritually. And I want my husband not to feel anymore fear. I can always fight them, but I want him to gain himself...

[LuNa81]

You guys were posting while I was writing. I'm actually a little teared up over the fact that so many understand the frustration and anger over all of this. I was hesitant to start posting on this site because it means turning our back on everything we tried to believe was real and it's so painful....even more painful to realize how much they took from us at a point that we were beginning to find our own truths. In that they also took from our children because for a decade all the stress and not being able to experience who we really are.

 

Margee - Thankyou so much. Your words really resonate with me. Your'e absolutely right about it being a fight for freedom.

 

 

jackbauer- You are spot on! And this is part of what my husband is still struggling so hard with right now... They can turn it on and off like nobody I have ever known. It used to confuse me too and I guess for some of them (like his grandmother) it still does some...

 

Suzanne &

 

SusanStoHeli - It really is so unreal and I agree that time off might help. That's a decision that lies with my husband. It has to. Everytime the phone rings we cringe and we will avoid it for a little while. They are very very persistent. Phone calls, messages, emails. Very persistent! It's hard to give them a little because they make it bigger and bigger. They view boundries as short term obstacles...

[SusanStoHeli]

For phone calls, you might be able to block their number for a time. If it's a cell phone, even easier - assign it a silent ring tone, or if it's a smart phone, download one of the many apps that will send their calls straight to voicemail or even not pick them up without a ring. You've got some good options there. If you do this, I wouldn't listen to the voicemails right away - take some time.

 

Emails - those are easy, most email providers have the ability for you to add some variety of screening, filtering - just filter the messages to go automatically to a special folder, and they won't be in your inbox bothering you. Visits - you don't answer the door - and if they won't leave, you can call the cops to make them leave - it won't mean they're arrested or anything else - they'll just be told to leave.

 

This is a lot like teaching a child - you give a little when they push - and they learn that pushing works, so they push even more.

[Peace]

One thing that I think might help that hasn't been suggested is getting a hold of some information related to this type of abusive dynamic. A couple of books that came to mind are Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud and Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward. It can be very enlightening and empowering to hear advice from someone who is educated in theses kinds of dynamics.

 

Like someone else said, they are abusive. Mentally, emotionally and since they can be, spiritually.

 

I'm sorry for all you have been through and I hope you and Crow can find ways to draw very strong boundaries and uphold them so you and your family can heal.

 

I wanted to ask, you don't have to answer here, why are you keeping them in your life?

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

You definitely took the right steps, but it seems it is time for Crow to back you up by doing several things himself. First, don't answer/reply to contact from these people. HE is the only foot they have in the door and he is going to have to stop enabling that foot to be there. If his family is so loving that they WOULD cut him off because they won't respect his needs (letting him sleep, raise his kids on his own terms, etc), then let him be the one to do the door shutting. TAKE AWAY THEIR IMPETUS.

[Kurari]

I agree with everyone else.

 

Crow, I know how much it hurts like hell to cut out family. Even insanely toxic family. It's going to hurt a lot. But it's something that you can grieve through and it will make for a peaceful life for you and your wife and son.

[blackpudd1n]

One thing that I think might help that hasn't been suggested is getting a hold of some information related to this type of abusive dynamic. A couple of books that came to mind are Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud and Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward. It can be very enlightening and empowering to hear advice from someone who is educated in theses kinds of dynamics.

 

Like someone else said, they are abusive. Mentally, emotionally and since they can be, spiritually.

 

I'm sorry for all you have been through and I hope you and Crow can find ways to draw very strong boundaries and uphold them so you and your family can heal.

 

I wanted to ask, you don't have to answer here, why are you keeping them in your life?

 

I had the same thought re: books- I was going to suggest The Devil You Know, about recognising psychopaths in your life. Actually, the title is rather ironic, in this instance. Amazon only seemed to have the kindle version- I've got it in paperback http://www.amazon.com/The-Devil-You-Know-ebook/dp/B004UFTT9Y/ref=sr_1_13?ie=UTF8&qid=1336526068&sr=8-13

 

Gotta run, catch ya later

[ConureDelSol]

It sounds like you're still open to them being allowed to see your son. I know it seems harsh but they should not be allowed to. They have NO right to take your son away from you and poison his mind with their hatred. Your kid might ask if he can go over, but you have to say no. You are his parents and at this point you have control of what is best for your child. If they take away your child without your expressed consent that is called ABDUCTION and it is AGAINST THE LAW.

 

Also, CHANGE PHONE NUMBERS! If she won't stop calling you, then that is what you have to do. Don't contact them at all. Don't give away your new number. Cut them out of your life COMPLETELY.

 

Also, if you come to a point where you have an opportunity to move away further, TAKE IT! It may be hard for Crow and hard for your son, but in the end your in-laws are TOXIC to your family and you need to do what you need to do to get away and never hear from them again.