RintrahRoars Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Hello, this is my first post here. I discovered this forum after realizing that I need to completely come out to my parents as a nonbeliever for me to move on in life. Here's my story (which I'm still trying to figure out): I was born in Japan to evangelical missionary parents. My parents taught me the Bible stories and prayed with every night, and my young brain soaked in all of this. I do remember asking my dad something along the line of "how do we know that the Bible is real?" His reply, after some pondering, went something like this; "It's like your age. The only way you know your age is because we tell you. And it's the same with the Bible, you just have to trust us." This probably gave me the impression that doubting was something that you're not supposed to express as Christians. For elementary school I had attended a Japanese school, and all of my close friends were Japanese. I started going to summer Bible camps during this time. After elementary school my parents decided to homeschool me, effectively cutting me off from my Japanese friends. I developed an introverted and dark personality during this time. An interesting thing that happened during my three years of homeschooling was that at one point I decided that even though I believed everything in the Bible I was not a Christian because I had no interest in following God or obeying him. It could have been my interest in manga (which my parents had pretty much condemned) or sexual issues like masturbation that lead me to this conclusion/decision. Now that I believed I was destined for hell (though I did harbor hope that I would strike a deal with God in the future) I became an even more dark person. To be continued... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted May 14, 2012 Moderator Share Posted May 14, 2012 Welcome to EX-C Rin! So glad you decided to join us! Thanks for sharing your story... I can't wait for part 2......'the dark side'' I love the dark side!! How bad can it get? Masturbation is the worst , isn't it?? Welcome aboard!! Good luck in your new journey!! Keep us posted! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Masturbation is the worst , isn't it? It's awesome 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeCoastie Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Did you believe most of your friends were hell bound for being non-christian? That would have to be rough. Most of my friends in Highschool were agnostics and atheists and I struggled with that belief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RintrahRoars Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 At the following Bible camps I attended there were times that I felt I was very very close to giving it all up to God and becoming a Christian again, but this didn't happen. From the 10th grade i started attending an international school in Tokyo. I made a lot of new friends and my life was changing for the better. In the 11th grade I dated a certain girl for a few months and eventually I had to tell her that I wasn't "right with God". I don't think I'd told anything like that before in my life, and it apparently had an effect on me. One night after that I went up on the roof and started praying to God to "show me the way". As I looked up at the stars I had something of a spiritual experience where I felt God say that he will show me the way. I was now once again "right with God". I didn't tell a lot of people about this event because, well, I was already supposed to be a Christian. After graduating high school I went to a pretty conservative Bible school in Pennsylvania. Due to my father and my Christian education I believed at this point in a young earth and also that evolution was basically a lie or even a conspiracy. It's ironic that most of my doubts were nourished at a hardcore Bible school of all places. At one of the chapel events we had Josh McDowell (famous for "Evidence that Demands a Verdict") give a speech. I was sitting in the front row and he actually tossed me a copy of his new book from the stage. The book was "In Search of Certainty". It argues for the existence of foundational absolutes behind things like beauty, justice and truth (which I now reject, but had accepted for a long time because of this book). But there was one question that the book posed that got me thinking in a new way. The question was very simple; "why do you believe that the Bible is the word of God?" It's basically the same question I had asked my dad when I was a little kid. But this time it needed an answer that wasn't simply "you just have to believe it." I think it was this question that gave me permission to explore my doubts (which all Christians have whether they admit it or not) without feeling guilty. I mustered the courage to ask two fellow students the question, and it was clear that they had to make up answers on the spot. As much as I loved all my Bible classes during my two years at that college, it was undeniable that the Bible was becoming more and more fallible, more human. Another blow came after reading a book by Hugh Ross, who is a conservative evangelical but argues that every "scientific" argument for a young earth is based on nonsense. The fabric of the narrative that I had been brought up with - that God created the world, man sinned, Christ came to die for man and every person would either live eternally in heaven or suffer eternally in hell - was slowly beginning to tear, but I kept it all to myself. I still felt guilt for looking into these doubts, but at the same time I decided that I had studied the Bible enough and that looking further wouldn't convince me that it was the single key to truth. I decided to transfer to a school in Japan to study to become a translator... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RintrahRoars Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 Welcome to EX-C Rin! So glad you decided to join us! Thanks for sharing your story... Hey Margee Thanks for the welcome xD Did you believe most of your friends were hell bound for being non-christian? That would have to be rough. Most of my friends in Highschool were agnostics and atheists and I struggled with that belief. I did believe they were going to hell since that's what my parents taught me, but strangely it never really bothered me. I think there's a difference in believing something and having something be a strong reality to you. Christians believe that nonbelievers are hell-bound, but to most of them they don't feel that as a strong reality. The ones who do feel it as a strong reality are the hyper zealous ones, imo. I think another way I dealt with this is by living in two different realities with different narratives. While I was with my family or at church it was about Jesus, heaven and hell. But when I was at school the unbelievers were simply my friends and the supernatural didn't play a role. Being bilingual helped me live like this because the former reality played out in the English language while the latter was in Japanese. That's pretty fucked up now that I think about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConureDelSol Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 So just to clarify, you live in Japan and your parents live in America? If that's so, wouldn't that make communicating with them a little difficult due to time zones? Or are you planning on coming out to them via email or something? I think in many ways, I'd be envious of you. You might be as far away from your parents as you could possibly be so you might not have to suffer the backlash some people here have as a result of still living close by. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RintrahRoars Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 By the time I finished my two years at Bible school my faith was near dead. After moving to Japan I decided to examine the Bible one last time, so I ordered the book "Who Wrote the Bible" by Richard Elliott Friedman. The book was basically about the documentary hypothesis. It's truly mind blowing when you look at the Pentateuch with that new insight. The biggest shock in this phase where I was carefully looking through Genesis came when I saw that the NIV translation deliberately misleads readers about the order of creation in the second creation story (Genesis 2:8 and 19). By the end of this I'd just about had it and I no longer thought of myself as a Christian. I'm now 25 and am tired of posing as a believer (I've only come out to a few Christian friends). About a year ago I abruptly left the country with an e-mail to my parents hinting at my de-conversion ("I'm not interested in... claiming to know the absolute truth. I want to always be open to the possibility that even the things that I'm most certain about could be wrong - I believe that's a respectable way to approach truth"). Now they keep telling me how much Jesus loves me :/ I need to make it clear that I'm through with this and they're going to accept me as I am now or there will be nothing. I bought a ticket back to Japan in June so I will be seeing them again, but I think I'm going to send another email beforehand making my position absolutely clear. What I don't want to happen is a string of arguments because they won't be productive and I don't think I could handle it emotionally. I'm definitely not interested in de-converting them, even if I thought that was possible... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RintrahRoars Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 So just to clarify, you live in Japan and your parents live in America? If that's so, wouldn't that make communicating with them a little difficult due to time zones? Or are you planning on coming out to them via email or something? I think in many ways, I'd be envious of you. You might be as far away from your parents as you could possibly be so you might not have to suffer the backlash some people here have as a result of still living close by. The opposite, actually. I'm in the U.S. right now and they're in Japan. I haven't seen them or talked to them on the phone for almost a year but I'll be back in Japan for a few months starting in June. All of this will be new for me obviously so support and advice from this forum will be really appreciated Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdog Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 So just to clarify, you live in Japan and your parents live in America? If that's so, wouldn't that make communicating with them a little difficult due to time zones? Or are you planning on coming out to them via email or something? I think in many ways, I'd be envious of you. You might be as far away from your parents as you could possibly be so you might not have to suffer the backlash some people here have as a result of still living close by. The opposite, actually. I'm in the U.S. right now and they're in Japan. I haven't seen them or talked to them on the phone for almost a year but I'll be back in Japan for a few months starting in June. All of this will be new for me obviously so support and advice from this forum will be really appreciated Hi Rintrah. Glad that you found Ex-C. We can definitely be a good support for you while you make the transition back to Japan and communicating with parents again. I hope it won't be too difficult but I am guessing that it probably won't be easy. At least you have been dropping some hints and it may not be too much of a shock to them. It's such a shame that you haven't seen your parents in such a long time and right now all you have is this worry about when you do re-unite that they are not going to see and accept you for you and will be trying to change your mind about everything. I think you sending a pre-travel letter confirming your stance on things is probably a good idea. It will give them time to get use to the idea and perhaps will reduce the chances of arguments that could potentially arise. Maybe Try and throw in your message how good it will be to see them and the importance of having quality time together and perhaps suggest some fun things you could do. places to visit, etc. And say how nice it would be to avoid the subject of religion and just enjoying each other's company. I wish you safe travels when you do go. keep us posted. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeelHappy Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 Hi RintrahRoars and welcome. I wonder when christians will realize that YEC is going to hurt them in the long run. I was reading a book this week where Luther and Calvin refuted Copernicus's model of the earth circling around the sun, they both had someone to say about who will you believe man or the holy scriptures, I can only imagine in 50 years we'll be laughing at the same YEC absurdities. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 Yeah, but we should have been laughing at YEC back in the Edwardian Age. It's shocking it's hung on so long with so little evidence supporting it. Still, it sounds like a lot of ex-Cs got their first shock to the faith around YEC. It's a fringe viewpoint that is a natural outgrowth of the Biblical-literalist stance, so it's useful in the sense that as soon as a budding ex-C learns even a smidgen of critical thinking, that far-out belief gets assessed and easily, devastatingly quickly found wanting--which makes the new doubter look very askance indeed at all the rest of the fairy tales. So my wicked side says to just let 'em cling to that belief. Good luck, Rintrah... I hope your visit is restful and sweet, and not the showdown you may be fearing. My best recommendation is to read a lot and learn to make boundaries. If they want to argue, you need to be able to respectfully shut them down, but if they want to genuinely talk about it, you'll want some information to bolster your position. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
electech98 Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 The continued stranglehold of YEC on our denomination was one of the (many) things that helped lead me out of Christianity. It was time I stopped trying to mentally choke myself into believing myths as reality anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peace Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 Welcome to the boards! My husband and I haven't told our parents yet either. We probably hoped we could just somehow get around that but we realize now that it's an absolute necessity if we want to live our lives in freedom and honesty. How and when we'll do that, I have no idea. I hope your news is surprisingly well received and you get what you need to move forward with your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RintrahRoars Posted May 24, 2012 Author Share Posted May 24, 2012 So... about a week until I head back to Japan and I'm really ready to get this off my chest. Here's what I just typed up... "Dear Mom and Dad, I believe that the time has come for me to be honest with you and tell you that I no longer think of myself as a Christian. It hurts for me to tell you this because the implication is that you will consider my soul to be destined to suffer in hell for eternity. I couldn’t even imagine myself every telling you. It seems wrong to have to take you through such a process when I could continue pretending that I still believe. Even so, this is necessary for me in order to develop and grow as a human being. Please don’t think that this is me rejecting our family in any way. I will love you no matter how you decide to go about this. Also, I want to apologize for leaving suddenly like I did. It was selfish of me and I wasn’t fully considering the effect it would have on everybody around me, and I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused. Andy" I don't really know what else to say. It gets the point across though - that in my mind I'm completely done with Christianity and am not in any type of doubting stage. I'm not sure what their initial reaction will be, but I'm not expecting any kind of heavy backlash. Like I said before, what I want to avoid is the arguments, which are sure to be emotionally charged and unproductive. I'm planning to later make it clear that I'm not interested in discussing why I believe. My excuse for this will be that they (parents) aren't ready to consider differing viewpoints with an open mind. When my younger brother came back from college during the summer of '10 he brought with him some new theological ideas which he would bring up at the dinner table. The parents were not pleased at all. They were even accusing him of being influenced by the devil, lol. So if they can't even handle different Bible interpretations then they can't handle the thoughts of an ex-Christian. But I'll save all that for later. Any suggestions are appreciated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 No suggestions, just encouragement from this corner of the peanut gallery. That's a sweet, loving letter and very rationally presented. And I think you're wise to avoid fights with them at this stage. Just shutting down any discussion of religion will be hard enough for them; missionary work (at least the sort with which I was most acquainted) entails a certain amount of egocentrism and control. But actually disagreeing with such rigidly-held beliefs could be disastrous. It's not like they're just one state over; you'll want to enjoy your limited time with them, not squabble with them. Hopefully they will agree with that sentiment and focus on spending family time with you rather than on trying to "fix" you. I'll be thinking of your family this week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam5 Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 Great letter. Very well written. My only suggestion would be if they come back in a negative fashion, you could gently remind them that it is up to God who decides whether someone is saved or not, not you me, your parents, or anyone else. That is the theology which christians are supposed believe in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RintrahRoars Posted June 3, 2012 Author Share Posted June 3, 2012 So I sent the letter (basically the same as what I posted above) and my parents were very shocked but other than that their response has been generally positive. I've just got back to Japan but haven't told my parents yet. So far not too bad! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilcoppertop Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 When do you see them again? Keep us updated on how this goes! I wish you all the best. =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 So far so good Glad to hear it's running fairly smoothly so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RintrahRoars Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 I went to the family's place for dinner a few days ago. All my siblings were there as well. We didn't talk about my deconversion at all (which I'm happy we didn't) and the only talk about God/Bible/religion besides the dinner prayer was "devotions" after dinner. I'm going over again tomorrow... hopefully another night of no drama. Thanks for the support guys! I'll post here again if troubles arise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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