Yet More Work Anxiety/panic

[Dhampir]

Probably no one reads these at this point. Still, many probably know by now that the main source of my social anxiety stems from dealing with men, and the idea that they might at some point think I'm gay/ eye-hustling them, which is not an unfounded fear, as this has happened a number of times. So... this new guy started about 3 weeks ago. Being stationed at the other end of the floor, and that I tend not to speak first, I haven't said more than a few words to him, and I've tried to keep the eye contact to a minimum.

 

But, being a new guy, and having not established any sort of acquaintance, I find it next to impossible to not look at him indirectly, which he has apparently picked up on. Something he said to another guy as they passed my desk has given me this idea : "...slick ways to look at me, and I don't like it" Can't be certain those were his exact words, but I see no reason to think otherwise. So I ran home, as my panic level rose above tolerable rates. The fear and the not knowing what to do has me wanting to throw up, and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack earlier. Why does it seem like the one thing I really fear is always right around the corner?

[Dhampir]

Strictly speaking, I'm not gay, but that is rather beside the point. What I don't want is people thinking I'm after them one way or another. It's threatening no matter what, and people will respond however they interpret the threat.

[London]

I would like to make a suggestion. Please don't take it in any manner except being helpful. And I won't be offended if you just ignore this either.

 

I have read a few of your posts before and I think that you avoiding looking at someone directly is actually part of the problem. The more you avoid direct eye contact, the more the other person will become suspicious of your motives. When that occurs the other person will begin to look at your behavior under a microscope and read many things into it that are completely unfounded. Hence your fear coming true.

 

It's not easy to overcome a personal fear or being shy. And both of them together can become a huge emotional liability. I've been there, however I got over my fear, by being forced (mostly by myself and partly by my former job) to interact with all kinds of people in many different, and sometimes very uncomfortable, situations.

 

Once you make it through a very uncomfortable situation you tend to remember, and if you apply it to a current situation, the mountain begins to look like a small hill. Easier to travel over. And easier each time you have to do it.

 

I'm not saying be overly friendly to get over this, that can become quite creepy. I'm just saying be a bit more friendly in a generic manner. Avoiding others puts up red flags to people and they tend to steer clear of that behavior. It flips the "fear switch" in them and they go on alert. Clearly evident in that guy's comment.

 

I have talked with you enough to know that you are smart and talented. And I know that you can interact with others and they will not assume you are interested in anything other than a conversation. And if anyone says anything about you being gay, just politely tell them that you're straight. If they don't believe you it becomes their problem, not yours. I had a friend who is straight and he was constantly being mistaken for gay. He used to laugh about it all the time. He really didn't care what others thought, he only cared about the facts of his own life. Oddly I never thought he was gay. Your actual sexuality is really not relevant, people will assume what they choose to assume. We can't change that.

 

Just be yourself, even if the situation makes you a little uneasy. I know that anxiety can really be a life killer and it locks you up tight. But learning the tools to control the anxiety as much as possible is the key. Be comfortable with yourself, in your own skin, thoughts and feelings. Once you have mostly mastered that you will be so much more comfortable in life.

 

The only opinions that really count are those of the people you respect in life. Strangers, odd co-workers, relatives you see once every 15 years, are really not valid opinions. If someone does not like the way you look at them, they clearly have an issue.

 

One of the most common things people do (traditionally) to be polite is look at the other person, smile or nod, and say hi. It just means that you are acknowledging their presence. If someone takes it the wrong way they are a nut job. If they make a remark, just say you were being polite.

 

And the last thing I want to mention is the thoughts you are putting in their head. When we fear a situation with another person we tend to believe that they are thinking all kinds of things about us. When in reality that other person may not even be able to carry on an intelligent conversation. I've met a lot of hot men who are dumber than a brick. But I digress. Don't let your fear convince you that they are having the thoughts about you, that you think they are. They might just wonder what your deal is and then never give it another thought.

 

Gay men communicate a lot non verbally. We have our own language. I might wonder what was up if someone was behaving like you are. But I would have two thoughts, 1. Is this guy checking me out? and 2. This guy obviously knows I'm gay and can't stand to look at me. When in reality neither might be true on your part. So all I can do is either steer clear of the situation or completely ignore the behavior it until I can understand what is really going on. That's just me. Most humans will just be rude because they don't understand people.

 

I really see this as your anxiety making it all way more uncomfortable than it needs to be. Just be yourself, smile, say a generic hello. People will be less apt to assume anything other than politeness is at play. It may not be easy but you have to break the fear barrier at some point. And you don't have to start doing it at work either. Smile and nod to a stranger at the supermarket.

 

Anyhow, I hope something here has been helpful.

[Dhampir]

 

Gay men communicate a lot non verbally. We have our own language. I might wonder what was up if someone was behaving like you are. But I would have two thoughts, 1. Is this guy checking me out? and 2. This guy obviously knows I'm gay and can't stand to look at me. When in reality neither might be true on your part. So all I can do is either steer clear of the situation or completely ignore the behavior it until I can understand what is really going on. That's just me. Most humans will just be rude because they don't understand people.

 

I really see this as your anxiety making it all way more uncomfortable than it needs to be. Just be yourself, smile, say a generic hello. People will be less apt to assume anything other than politeness is at play. It may not be easy but you have to break the fear barrier at some point. And you don't have to start doing it at work either. Smile and nod to a stranger at the supermarket.

 

Anyhow, I hope something here has been helpful.

You may be on to something. I had been thinking the same thing really, but still needed to get it out. Not quite sure what you're getting at in the bolded part, but other than that, I mostly agree.

[JadedAtheist]

I can sympathize somewhat. I don't react as severely as you do, but I still freak out about people thinking the wrong thing about me looking at them. Hell, I remember seeing some kid crying because he lost his parents and I had complete anxiety approaching him to take him to the shopping center's reception because I was totally convinced people would think I was a pedophile.

 

I know it ain't much help, but at least you're not alone I guess

[London]

Gay men communicate a lot non verbally. We have our own language. I might wonder what was up if someone was behaving like you are. But I would have two thoughts, 1. Is this guy checking me out? and 2. This guy obviously knows I'm gay and can't stand to look at me. When in reality neither might be true on your part. So all I can do is either steer clear of the situation or completely ignore the behavior it until I can understand what is really going on. That's just me. Most humans will just be rude because they don't understand people.

 

I really see this as your anxiety making it all way more uncomfortable than it needs to be. Just be yourself, smile, say a generic hello. People will be less apt to assume anything other than politeness is at play. It may not be easy but you have to break the fear barrier at some point. And you don't have to start doing it at work either. Smile and nod to a stranger at the supermarket.

 

Anyhow, I hope something here has been helpful.

You may be on to something. I had been thinking the same thing really, but still needed to get it out. Not quite sure what you're getting at in the bolded part, but other than that, I mostly agree.

 

I'm just saying that if the other person is gay they might be freaked out and get the wrong idea, especially if they are in the closet. That could be one reaction. But in my experience too many people get freaked out when anyone looks at them for any reason (especially men) and they just overreact. It's the "animal" fear reaction we all have. A smart person will not overreact to their discomfort. And when I say overreact I mean get all loco and pull a "what r u lookin' at?!" kind of bull shit.

 

I personally would not react to someone looking at me until I could understand what the looks were about. Because it could be for any reason. I cannot assume the other person is interested in me, afraid of me, disgusted with me, shy, odd, has ADD. I just have to ignore the looks I'm getting until I know who this person is. Then it will all explain itself.

 

Does that explain it a little better?

[Dhampir]

yeah, that helps. thanks. Hard part is figuring out how to break the ice without making things worse. I guess the only thing I can do is say what's up next chance I get. How the hell did I manage all this before I developed this issue?

[London]

I call it the "bouncing around in your head" problem. Sometimes we deal with things and they bounce around so long in our head we lose perspective on what's really going on. So you just have to stop, breathe and let it outside of your head. Discuss it with others or just take action on something. Because the human mind is so complex it can play really nasty tricks on you when you let it bounce around inside for too long.

 

You'll be ok. Eventually the anxiety of it all will lessen over time. I find that it is really easy for me to be friendly and still keep my personal distance from strangers. I'm just saying hi and not really investing anything in that interaction. Just a simple neutral interaction. Most of the time it's other people saying hi to me first. And not that I look mean or anything but I certainly don't look all that friendly.

[Dhampir]

Sigh... I haven't seen any direct proof of any hostilities either occurring or impending, and yet I cannot shake the thought. I've spoken with those people, albeit not daily, and yet I still end up thinking I've done something that may or has set them off. I can shake off depressive thoughts, but not these, and I understand that it's because perceived threats command more attention, but still...

[Guest wester]

Try sunglasses or tinted reading glasses so people can't get a clear look at your eyes.

 

In any social interaction there are 6 people involved. 2 real and 4 imaginary.

 

There is you. Your idea of yourself and your idea of how the other person sees you.

There is the other person. Their idea of themselves and Their idea of how you see them.

 

When people start acting strange, it is probably not you but them.

Just ignore them and let it play out. Be polite, or take concrete steps to get the F away from them, either temporarily or permanently.

 

Be careful out there.

[SoftIce]

Do you think you may have social anxiety? I suffer from generalized anxiety (getting anxious over no particular root cause) as well as anxiety attacks that are triggered by something that usually has a clear source.

 

I can't relate to worrying that other girls think I'm coming onto them, but I do worry about what people think about me in general. Usually it happens when I'm with friends of my best friend, and I get all freaked out and worked up because I worry that I'll embarrass her or say something stupid.

 

I also can relate a lot to what someone else said about stuff 'bouncing around' in your head for so long that it gets blown out of proportion.

 

I can guess how hard it is to try and force yourself to act casual around someone if you're stressing out on the inside, but the best thing I can offer is to try and think that they're a distant relative or something, that might take some of the strain that you worry that they think you're 'coming onto them' off you.

 

I can't say I understand the social structure of the male gender, since I'm a girl, but that's the best I can think of. But, if this guy is being a jerk just because you happen to look over at him or say hi, then maybe you wanna just avoid him anyways. Or, he might be feeling insecure about his own sexuality, and projecting it onto you. That's another thing.

 

Anyway, I hope stuff gets better for you!

[Dhampir]

Lather, rinse, repeat. This time the problem is a new hire who is close to/possibly a relative of one of the people I had actual problems with along these lines when I first started. 3 days in and I'm getting hard stares from HIM, although I may have provoked it unintentionally. Question I've been wrestling with, between bouts of fear-induced nausea, is do I greet him, or do I stay away? Which should I commit to? He doesn't appear to speak much English...

[Guest Valk0010]

Lather, rinse, repeat. This time the problem is a new hire who is close to/possibly a relative of one of the people I had actual problems with along these lines when I first started. 3 days in and I'm getting hard stares from HIM, although I may have provoked it unintentionally. Question I've been wrestling with, between bouts of fear-induced nausea, is do I greet him, or do I stay away? Which should I commit to? He doesn't appear to speak much English...

If the guy hates your guts, introducing yourself is only going to annoy him.

[Legion]

Your fear is a self-fufilling prophecy. People are like dogs.

 

Therefore I recommend looking into Cesar Millan.

 

I'm very serious.

[Dhampir]

Christ... Finally spoke to the new guy. Loudly enough to be heard and not mistaken. No answer. Freaking out about that now. What does he think? Why didn't he answer? What does it mean? Did I accidentally see him in the bathroom as I walked by the stall?

[Guest Valk0010]

Unless that guy can get you fired. Fuck him.

[Dhampir]

This is true valk, but it's as much about my own anxiety as anything he can do. I was just tired of having to avert my eyes whenever he was in the area, and not acquainting myself so that I didn't have to do that. This sucks, and I don't know what to expect. Dammit.

[Dhampir]

Still no better. I know it's more about my anxiety than anything, but I cannot shake the possibilities.

[Guest Valk0010]

Can you get into seeing a doctor, or preferably a therapist?

[Dhampir]

I could try, but given how ridiculously difficult it was to do (with no success) last time, I'm reticent.

[Guest Valk0010]

I could try, but given how ridiculously difficult it was to do (with no success) last time, I'm reticent.

Which one? Cause perfect world a therapist would be better, but if you could get a doc to perscribe a benzo that would work too.

[Dhampir]

both. I got my doc to give me temp stuff while trying to get into contact with specialists. One had a month long wait, the other I just couldn't get a hold of. Therapists I never even spoke to because my insurance never gave me any contact info like they said they would. I was thinking of trying an online therapist. never tried throwing money at the problem, at least not like this. OTOH, my anxiety stems from REAL problems I faced in the past, so I guess the real hang up is worrying about how to handle it should it happen again.

[Guest Valk0010]

both. I got my doc to give me temp stuff while trying to get into contact with specialists. One had a month long wait, the other I just couldn't get a hold of. Therapists I never even spoke to because my insurance never gave me any contact info like they said they would. I was thinking of trying an online therapist. never tried throwing money at the problem, at least not like this. OTOH, my anxiety stems from REAL problems I faced in the past, so I guess the real hang up is worrying about how to handle it should it happen again.

Really you need to be a bastard to your insurance company about seeing a therapist. Benzo's are really addicting. But a therapist would be super super helpful.

[London]

I'm gonna echo what Valk said, therapist. You need the tools to handle the anxiety and a therapist needs to teach you those tools. You don't have to be uncomfortable all the time. Even if it takes a month to get in, at least you know how long you have to cope until you get an opportunity to start resolving this feeling. It's no fun to live in fear and anxiety can destroy your whole future. You deserve to have a life, not be a slave to anxiety or fear.

 

Some fear and anxiety is normal for all creatures, but living in a constant state of anxiety can damage your physical and mental ability to function. I realize that going to the therapist and starting a whole new routine to deal with this adds to that anxiety, but in the end, that will be a better discomfort than having the anxiety rule your life forever.

 

In the mean time, do whatever you can that makes you feel calm and not so stressed. My personal drug of choice is music, it helps me with anything.

 

It's not always easy to change your life, but I can say from experience, it is worth it. Setbacks are usually temporary, don't get discouraged. Just decide you are going to deal with this and you will win in the end. The human mind is very powerful.

[Dhampir]

I'm gonna echo what Valk said, therapist. You need the tools to handle the anxiety and a therapist needs to teach you those tools. You don't have to be uncomfortable all the time. Even if it takes a month to get in, at least you know how long you have to cope until you get an opportunity to start resolving this feeling. It's no fun to live in fear and anxiety can destroy your whole future. You deserve to have a life, not be a slave to anxiety or fear.

 

Some fear and anxiety is normal for all creatures, but living in a constant state of anxiety can damage your physical and mental ability to function. I realize that going to the therapist and starting a whole new routine to deal with this adds to that anxiety, but in the end, that will be a better discomfort than having the anxiety rule your life forever.

 

In the mean time, do whatever you can that makes you feel calm and not so stressed. My personal drug of choice is music, it helps me with anything.

 

It's not always easy to change your life, but I can say from experience, it is worth it. Setbacks are usually temporary, don't get discouraged. Just decide you are going to deal with this and you will win in the end. The human mind is very powerful.

Generally speaking, I'm only anxious for this one reason. That is, the bulk of my anxiety and the severity I feel from going to work is all about dealing with what was earlier discussed. Dealing with fallout from inadvertant actions, which in the past have put me in helpless situations where all I could do is run. It cost me one job, and before that, a similar but differently angled issue nearly cost me another.

 

I almost never have an appreciable degree of anxiety except for these things, so I guess you can understand why I'm leaning so heavily on the external issues. In any case, I was considering the therapy route, but the immediacy of the fear made me feel like I was wasting time, because the problem is happening NOW. If shit hits the fan, my only option will be to quit my job, which would of course render me unable to even seek help. vicious cycle. I tried to get into work that would have kept me away from that. should have kept that up.