Trouble Dealing With My Narcissistic Father

[opiate465]

I was recently reading about personality disorders in my psychology book and i realized that my dad really fit the description for narcissistic personality disorder.He meets a lot of the bullet points for the disorder according to Wikipedia: He overeacts to small criticism, always tries to make himself seem like some sort of spiritual hero, is really emotionally demanding and needs lots of reassurance, is very self absorbed (he took a picture of himself and set it as his desktop background), and has trouble keeping healthy relationships. Unlike the wikipedia description though, he is really emotional and doesn't try to hide that.

 

We've had a really rough relationship lately. Growing up, i feel like i was often his doormat. He periodically explodes with rage at me for vague or even nonexistent reasons and it feels like no matter what i do, it is bound to happen. He beats me down to build himself up. I used to view my dad as my hero and i loved him more than anyone. Anytime he would explode with anger, i would feel like it was all my fault. he would usually come back and apologize and i would always completley forgive him. Ever since I've been nonreligious though, i can't help but build up so much resentment towards him for treating me this way. This has caused me to become very distant and on guard when I'm around him, which causes him to explode with rage because im "not being nice enough".

 

Its really tough because I do want to have a relationship with my dad but its so stressful and depressing to be around him. Also I'm studying Microbiology at a University thats four hours away from him and i dont have a scholarship and i need the financial help, though im really starting to consider taking out a loan. He holds money over my head all the time. Its hard to treat him nicely when he periodically yells at me intensely and says hurtful things to me. yet when im distant and on guard it just causes him to do this to me more often.

 

Whether or not he has narcissistic personality disorder, he has really beaten me down and made it hard to have a relationship with him. in fact, its possible that ive developed dependent personality disorder or atleast some aspects of it which I hate because i value independence almost more than anything.

 

thanks for listening to me vent, and if you have any advice or you can relate, i would really appreciate the support.

 

-Shannon

[BrotherJosh]

http://www.amazon.co...g/dp/0380713055

 

Oh, by the way I grew up with a very abusive father. So, your story resonated with me. Learning, reading, and understanding brought a lot of healing to me, so I would recommend it to you.

[blackpudd1n]

Shannon, in descibing your father, you accurately described my biological mother- who is a sociopath/psychopath (the terms tend to be used interchangably). Narcissism is a feature of a psychopath. A psychopath goes into rages over the smallest of things, like you descibed, but their emotions are hollow, and they are extremely manipulative. They exert control over their victims using manipulation and emotional abuse and blackmail, and by you going to university so far away from your father, he will feel even greater pressure to exert control over you. Psychopaths also tend to be very charming- "street angels, home demons".

 

I don't have my biological mother in my life- she's far too toxic. Neither does my sister. But she still tries to re-exert control over us using emotional blackmail, manipulation, and through sending gifts. You're going to have to put yourself first.

 

There is a book I'd recommend to you to read- it's called The Devil You Know, and examines how psychopaths tend to operate in different roles in your life using case-studies. You can order it online through the Book Depository here: http://www.bookdepository.co.uk/Devil-You-Know-Kerry-Daynes/9781444714272?selectCurrency=USD

 

Or otherwise, get the electronic version on Amazon here: http://www.amazon.com/The-Devil-You-Know-ebook/dp/B004UFTT9Y/ref=sr_1_24?ie=UTF8&qid=1337153565&sr=8-24

 

Another forum member put me onto this blog, too, about dealing with narcissistic parents: http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com.au/

 

I know you love your father. But if your father is a toxic influence in your life, you're going to have to take charge of your life and either set up some very strict boundaries, or cut him out of your life.

 

Thinking of you,

 

Pudd

 

P.S.- Take out the loan. Otherwise he'll always hold it over your head. Don't give him the satisfaction.

[GardenerGal]

http://www.amazon.co...g/dp/0380713055

 

Oh, by the way I grew up with a very abusive father. So, your story resonated with me. Learning, reading, and understanding brought a lot of healing to me, so I would recommend it to you.

 

Same here. My Dad, whom I adore, was really difficult to be around as a growing girl. He owned businesses and everyone saw the good side, but when he got home, he angry, dark, and distant. It was frustrating and felt very hypocritical. I would also say learning and reading will help you, too. It's a process, like anything, and you will soon find words that fit your emotions. Like if he tries to shame you, for example, through eye rolls or head-shaking, you can use that knowledge to say, "I feel as though you are trying to shame me, and it's not going to work."

 

good luck!

[Legion]

Wow, Shannon, thank you for posting this. I liked the post of BrotherJosh here too.

 

I have a good friend who has learned to deal with Narcissists. He told me that the only way to back them down is to humiliate them in front of others, or in plain sight of others. You have to do it enough times until they brake. It is not easy and in some cases, depending upon the situation of the persons involved may not be entirely possible based on how dependent you are on them. The best thing to do is to make sure they cannot materially harm you or blackmail you and then expose them in front of others and let them go into a rage and keep forcing it. Eventually they will leave your life, or withdraw into their own world. There really is not curing them.

 

This is amazing. I'd almost like to do this with my stepfather, but he's learned to pretty much leave me alone.

[Legion]

Then you've won the battle....maybe the war. Best to not push it unless he starts up again.

 

My thoughts exactly.

[Akheia]

This sucks so bad, Opiate. Let me make this crystal clear. Your dad is holding money over your head to victimize you because it makes him happy to see you victimized. It enforces his own self-image as the king of his little village. He's managed to get you to internalize your own helplessness in the face of his power by making you put up with his victimization to get the money he offers. You're pretty much convinced that you have to put up with him or else you'll just never make it on your own.

 

You can do whatever you need to do in your life without him.

 

You don't need to be victimized to accomplish your goals.

 

Take the loan. Drop out for a semester to work three jobs so you can pay for college without loans. Tell him that you will never talk to him again. Return his letters unopened. Set his emails to auto-delete. Change your phone number so he can't call you, and make sure all your friends know not to give him the new number. A narcissist, if he is one, will do ANYTHING to charm you back, and when that doesn't work, he'll start abusing you worse. You must hold fast here, because this is even worse than the charming part. Then, if you've refused to engage him, he'll drift away to greener pastures.

 

The worst mistake you can make here is to engage him at all when he's victimizing you. It's what he wants more than anything in the world and he will stop at nothing to get your engagement whether it's fighting him or adoring him.

 

Alas, narcissism never gets better or goes away; there's not really much one can do to fix these people. Avoidance is the only tactic that works. Once you're away, you'll be shocked at how well you manage without him and his threats of money withdrawal.

[Legion]

I liked that post Akheia.

[midniterider]

Shannon, in descibing your father, you accurately described my biological mother- who is a sociopath/psychopath (the terms tend to be used interchangably). Narcissism is a feature of a psychopath. A psychopath goes into rages over the smallest of things, like you descibed, but their emotions are hollow, and they are extremely manipulative. They exert control over their victims using manipulation and emotional abuse and blackmail, and by you going to university so far away from your father, he will feel even greater pressure to exert control over you. Psychopaths also tend to be very charming- "street angels, home demons".

 

I don't have my biological mother in my life- she's far too toxic. Neither does my sister. But she still tries to re-exert control over us using emotional blackmail, manipulation, and through sending gifts. You're going to have to put yourself first.

 

There is a book I'd recommend to you to read- it's called The Devil You Know, and examines how psychopaths tend to operate in different roles in your life using case-studies. You can order it online through the Book Depository here: http://www.bookdepos...ectCurrency=USD

 

Or otherwise, get the electronic version on Amazon here: http://www.amazon.co...7153565&sr=8-24

 

Another forum member put me onto this blog, too, about dealing with narcissistic parents: http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com.au/

 

I know you love your father. But if your father is a toxic influence in your life, you're going to have to take charge of your life and either set up some very strict boundaries, or cut him out of your life.

 

Thinking of you,

 

Pudd

 

P.S.- Take out the loan. Otherwise he'll always hold it over your head. Don't give him the satisfaction.

 

I agree, take out a loan. Or take whatever other reasonable step(s) to remove his influence over you (I joined the military..haha). Then make him play by YOUR rules or you might disappear out of his life. If he rages on the phone, hang up. Send him a letter. Tell him he needs to see a psychologist about his rage problem before you will continue to be in his life because he is unbearable to be around and you refuse to be around him the way he is right now.

[Guest wester]

Don't jump to labels too quickly. My mum has come to me over the years with many disparaging labels that others have foisted upon her: co-dependent, narcissistic, depressed, etc... She takes this kind of thing personally and it often led to damaging and self-harm behavior. Then I went to Korea and found that her kind of behavior was totally normal among Koreans. In other words she would be totally adapted, adjusted and well-socialized in Korea, but she is somehow pathological in America.

 

So labels and diagnoses should be taken with a grain of salt and dealt with objectively.

 

Also, your pop is probably, like many, a victim of witnessing and learning bad behavior from bad examples. He probably suffers from learning the same uncomfortable way of dealing with others from his similarly mis-behaving parents or role models. So he probably deserves some modicum of empathy.

 

However, if things continue to get crazy or damage you, then you should loudly demand safe boundries for yourself or just get out of there. I can't even live in the same country (or on the same continent) as my parents. I hope your situation doesn't have to be as extreme as mine.

 

Get the loan if it is just for a few classes. Usually the interest rate is more manageable than a credit card and you can defer payment until the classes are finished. But I would not go into massive debt with student loans since you get stuck paying them - like indentured servitude.

 

Cheers and be careful out there.

[Vigile]

Let me make this crystal clear. Your dad is holding money over your head to victimize you because it makes him happy to see you victimized.

 

That's really messed up.

 

Speaking of narcissists, I caught a couple episodes of the Apprentice online and this girl fits the profile like no other I've ever seen.

 

If they are missing love and reassurance or whatever causing them to overcompensate they sure as heck do everything they can to further alienate people and smear their own images by their behavior. Or perhaps being an island is enough for them? I just don't get it.

[Darklady]

that also describes my ex, I spent years walking on eggshells, to scared to say anything ...

[Guest Babylonian Dream]

My mother to a tee almost, except she doesn't think highly of herself, and I think she has something else other than Narcissism, but nonetheless is a psychopath, she hides the fact that her selfesteem/selfimage are in the tubes. She puts up this rosy picture, of "we're the ideal family! Nothing could possibly make things better."

 

You call her out on things, she'll humiliate you. I remember that before I moved out, I told my friends that she was getting bad again since I came out of the closet. She didn't want to look homophobic, she wanted to pretend shit never happened. Except, what she didn't know is that I managed to record her. She flipped out because I tried telling my brother that calling people "gay," "faggot", etc... was bullying (I told him because he's the one acccepting of gay people, no one told my mother, my mother jumped in because she's passionately against gay people and homosexuality). I had to keep her going though to catch it on camera, but I finally did. Part of me feels bad, but the other part now knows I'll never have to just deal with my word against hers.

 

She never wants anything to do with me until she wants money. All our phone calls go with, "I love you Matt and I miss you. We're on hard times, just thought I'd call you to talk to you (after a few months of not really knowing I exist) before the phone gets shut off. We're not sure how we're going to pay it (the same way you always do, my brothers because I no longer do? Putting your bill in both my brothers name, because I refused to let you in mine?).

 

When she finds out that I don't have money (I lie to her, I always say I'm broke and I'm struggling worse than I really am to her. That a way I don't actually have to tell her no), she finds some excuse to get mad at me and hang up. The last time, it was because I was going to move into my own apartment by myself after I get a second job. She was mad, because I might end up moving near black people. Yet, she didn't give a damn when I had an african american roommate in Amsterdam, but that was because she expected me to give her more money. Manipulative.

 

Before that, I might get raped moving in with gay people. Also, she's found ways of getting pissed off because, as she her words said to me, "You choose to pay those losers (my roommates) before you help your own mother (it's called rent mom....)."

 

Dealing with people like that is hard. I've had to change my number. I only write to her now, because so far she doesn't write back. I don't call her. I don't visit her. Its hard because I love her, but I know its for my own sanity.

 

Its rough dealing with someone like that, but the best thing to do is to try to focus on you. Do what's in your best interest, and tune them out the best you can. Don't let them in, and they'll find many ways to get back in, just keep avoiding it.