shadesofgray Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 Hi everyone! I posted my extimony a few months ago and then disappeared again, but I've been back lurking and have a question. Basically, I've left the church (for obvious reasons) and I've finished school, and now I have absolutely no idea how to find new friends. All my current friends came from one (or both) of those places, but over the past couple of years all my close friends have moved far away. My current roommate moving to another country in a few months. Besides her, I only know one other person in the whole city who isn't a leftover distant acquaintance from my Jeezus days, and I don't really want to have to come out to people I don't need to. I also haven't had much luck getting to know my coworkers, except to find out that I don't have a lot in common with most of them and all of them are at different stages in their life than I am (i.e. they all have young kids and I don't relate well with kids). Plus, I work in a different city than I live in, so I don't live anywhere near any of the people I work with. Sorry if this sounds whiny, but I guess I'd rather sound whiny on the internet than in real life So my question is, how have you all dealt with losing the Christian community? Was it a problem for you? Where have you been able to meet new people without the expectation that you share their beliefs? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocklobster Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 I've been struggling with this hardcore for most of my life now. If you feel comfortable, look at meetup.org and see if there's any local meetup groups for ex Christians or atheist/secular groups. Or whatever your interest is... If your like me and a bit of a recluse when it comes to stuff like this. You can always try and move in with a roomie or 2. Kind of forces you to meet people and reduces rent if you don't own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 I just posted this on another thread but can you just continue to attend just for the community, and let the rhetoric roll off your back? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 I normally wouldn't advise an alcoholic to hang around friends that drink but if you're strong enough... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shadesofgray Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 I've been struggling with this hardcore for most of my life now. If you feel comfortable, look at meetup.org and see if there's any local meetup groups for ex Christians or atheist/secular groups. Or whatever your interest is... If your like me and a bit of a recluse when it comes to stuff like this. You can always try and move in with a roomie or 2. Kind of forces you to meet people and reduces rent if you don't own. Yeah that's me too. I have always been very uncomfortable in social settings when I don't already know at least one or two people there. I'm a little wary of publicly joining an atheist group because I'm not entirely "out" yet - my policy is to tell people if they ask directly or if it is relevant to the conversation, so only a select handful knows about my doubts. I'll have a look around though I just posted this on another thread but can you just continue to attend just for the community, and let the rhetoric roll off your back? Unfortunately I haven't really been part of a church community for a couple years now, and my "church" was actually a college Christian group. I haven't regularly attended an actual church in something like 6 years now. Also, when I do go to church, it pisses me off too much to want to keep doing that :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wings Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 Hi, I also struggled with this (still am) in my new city, but I've been doing a lot to find ways to reach out: volunteering, joining groups/activities and even a running club. I HATE running, but through the Learn To Run (which anyone can do!), I made a few friends and we still meet up. Start looking into things you enjoy and you'll meet your "tribe".... it might not ever be what you were used to with the church community, because a) you're in a new city and it's not the same as knowing everyone you've grown up with or known over many years b ) there isn't necessarily the same sense of "belonging" because the same sense of community, group-think and commonalities just may not exist. Again, my advice is to pursue things you're interested in and try to connect with and contact people that way. I don't know if you have community organizations like United Way, as well, but check out some of those websites. I just found out my local UW has various groups for different adult/age groups including one specifically for X-gens and drinking (woohoo). Good luck and you have friends here if you just need a chat Kristen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 joining a small hobby group of some sort helps, i joined the theatre society at uni (such a mad bunch!) and made some lovely friends, but if that's too much, maybe joining a book club or volunteering somwhere (preferebly quiet) if that's more you making friends happens naturally in clubs and meetings, etc. just takes time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaraOlive Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 I had the same problem for a long time. It resolved about 5 years after my deconversion, but it could have been sooner if I'd have been more on top of things. I was so frustrated because it seemed like I kept trying things and not connecting to people. (You mentioned that you've had trouble connecting to people with young children and I was in the same situation). What I would recommend now, in retrospect, is trying A LOT of different meetup groups - being upfront that you've just finished school and don't have many friends in the area yet, and coming right out and asking people who seem nice if they'd be interested in meeting for lunch. Even if it feels awkward (I have a really hard time transitioning between vague group activities with near-stranger into one on one friendships). If the group isn't doing it for you, try something different. It'll feel weird and lonely, but if you don't put yourself out there, it's unlikely that new friends will fall into your lap right away. The other thing I'd recommend is not being too hungup on having a group that's formed around similar beliefs. There are a lot of Christians out there who aren't like whatever group you probably came from, and finding out that someone is a Christian isn't necessarily a death sentence on a friendship. When I first deconverted, I hoped there'd be an atheist "community". If you're interested in alternative spirituality, you may find a place with the Unitarians or with a meditation group, but I'm not spritual at all and even though I got involved in some "atheist things", they weren't the same kind of community (I've found that one of the reasons that American atheists often start questioning the church is because they dislike that kind of community). I also found that if atheists did gather, it was often to vent about Christianity, which I think has it's place, but wasn't what I wanted to base friendships around (sort of a recovery vs. moving on thing). Don't put friendships in a box where you feel like, if I'm going to be friends with someone they have to be like this, and believe like this, and feel the same way about this, and have a long list of requirements. Of course if someone is obnoxious about trying to convert you, you wouldn't want to be close to them, but I just mean that it's easier to make friends if you don't go in with too many preconceived notions about the way your friends SHOULD be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted May 20, 2012 Super Moderator Share Posted May 20, 2012 So many former church goers seem to miss the phony community the church provided. Unless you join another cult, an instant community or instant family is not going to happen in real life. Building real relationships with real people takes time. If you're in a hurry, join some clubs or activity groups that do things you enjoy - knitting club, bowling team, riding club, book club, art class, etc. Remember, your friends don't necessarily have to share your beliefs, philosophies or politics. My friends include Christians, Jews, Atheists, and even a few Scientologists. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 I agree with florduh. You can meet people in volunteer capacities, community associations, neighborhood groups, book clubs, work, GLBTQ groups (and many don'thave kids), hiking and outdoor activity groups. As a Christian I had no social skills because I barely needed them; now I have to be social, without the crutch of "we are spending eternity together so let's start now" mentality. I have better friends as an atheist than I ever had as a believer. Keep us posted. It's a learning curve! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shadesofgray Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 Thanks for the responses everyone I know my social skills are kind of lacking, which is why I miss the ready-made community that church provides. I've been looking into volunteering for a little while now but I have trouble committing to anything because my work schedule changes every day and I never get consistent days or times off. Once I'm able to get certain days off I think it will be easier to join groups like this - I've got a couple in mind but I haven't been able to go yet because of work. Thank you all for the suggestions and advice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sjessen Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 I've been struggling with this hardcore for most of my life now. If your like me and a bit of a recluse when it comes to stuff like this. You can always try... Me too, rocklobster! I have struggled with this most of my life and am a recluse. Makes it tough to find friends. I would always be sociable with people at school and work, but nothing really developed outside of those venues. I really struggle with it now as I am disabled and on oxygen 24/7 for a lung condition, so I don't get out of the house too much. Kinda sucks. I can relate, shadesofgray, to your situation of not having things in common with people at work. I'm 49yrs old and we never had children. That excluded me from relationships with most of the other women my age after I got married. They wanted to compare notes about their kids or talk about them incessantly, and I got bored! Just not into kids like that. Good luck. I think your volunteering and groups ideas are great! I think you are right when you say it will be easier when your schedule gets more regular. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoftIce Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Have you considered checking out unitarian universalism? They welcome a huge range of beliefs, and I've heard a good portion of the people that attend are agnostic or atheist. Here's their page on agnosticism and atheism http://www.uua.org/beliefs/welcome/6191.shtml Or, a humanistic group? Similar beliefs, I believe. Although, I believe they go further and see the idea of 'god' as human beings striving to be the best they can be. So, I think most of them are agnostic or atheist. It can give you the community with out all the baggage. If those are still too close to spirituality... I'd suggest what some of the others have, see if you can find people with a similar hobby. I had the same problem years ago, but then I found Unity (or, commonly referred to as 'That Satanic Cult Church' by fundies and some conservative Christians), and I fit in quite well (new age type of church that is based loosely on ideas from Christianity. I still don't believe everything they do, but they make a point that you can take away what you want and ignore what you want.) Anyway, good luck my friend! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
59strat Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Lots of great advice here! I am still figuring this out, but what's working for me is doing things that I love to do, and building relationships as they come along. It is a slow process. And frankly, I'm extremely selective now about building real friendships (whereas in church I was not nearly selective enough). I'm going for depth now, which takes much more time but has been missing in my life. So yeah I do miss the community in some ways, but I feel that I'm replacing it with something much more genuine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wester Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I am always skeptical and often find myself feeling alienated due to being what others consider too analytical and too critical - being too curious, breaking things down and asking too many questions. So, in my geekdom while I was stateside, I attended several 2600 meetings (hackers! OMG!) see 2600.com. Besides that, music does it for me, whether playing in a group or attending concerts or listening at home. And, please let me include two crazy words that have worked very well for me: Salsa Dancing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voice Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 It's hard for anyone to make friends in a new place. I moved to where I am 5 years ago and have 2 good friends. I've had 6, but the other 4 fell off when they betrayed or just proved themselves unworthy. All the rest of my friends are back where I moved from or, as with you, far away. I hear in Seattle you're lucky to make 2 friends in 10 years. Depends where you are I guess. I've tried coffee places, clubs, the newspaper or Internet for special interest groups. It just takes time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam5 Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 So many former church goers seem to miss the phony community the church provided. Unless you join another cult, an instant community or instant family is not going to happen in real life. Building real relationships with real people takes time. If you're in a hurry, join some clubs or activity groups that do things you enjoy - knitting club, bowling team, riding club, book club, art class, etc. Remember, your friends don't necessarily have to share your beliefs, philosophies or politics. My friends include Christians, Jews, Atheists, and even a few Scientologists. Nicely put. Yes, I think I could broaden my social circle now I'm out of the whole church thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paine Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I normally wouldn't advise an alcoholic to hang around friends that drink but if you're strong enough... THAT IS AWESOME! When it is boiled down, all Christianity is is a mind-numbed fraternity---a social club. Safety in numbers, ya know! I have decided to stay within the circle (though not attend church) and play along, secretly howling with arrogant superiority at the fabulous WASTE OF RESOURCES the whole of retail religion really is. When someone says " I haven't seen you in church", I simply remind them that I am not a member of said church, and that I visit around. Who is to KNOW that I am sleeping late or camping in the woods or any other damned pastime more worthy that sitting gobsmacked in a big room with other tithing mouth breathers? MEETUP.com START YOUR OWN GROUP IF YOU CAN'T FIND ONE. FOLKS WILL FIND YOU. I have a small group of ExChristians that I started>>>NO militant "ATHEISTS" are allowed. If you don't have a credible extimony and a more generous soul than most nasty atheists, you are not invited to JOIN. Its good to be king, and since its my group, they can piss off if they don't like it. There are PLENTY of capital A , Atheist groups out there. Mine is tailored to friends that I WANT TO HAVE---the live and let live non-religious types who aren't out to picket every GD nativity scene and who are GENUINELY STRUGGLING with the loss of their faith. There are about twenty two of us since November>>>>> more than I EVER thought I'd find in the Bible Belt! Good Luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GardenerGal Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I think it's easy to expect when believing in God we'll be BFF's with everyone in the church. This just isn't the case. I have left the church but left with a few good friendships that goes beyond belief. We just *click*. I am 28, and one is 72. But she is really really easy to talk with. Just get yourself out there in group activities, and chances are, out of 50 people in the room, one person will be friend material compatible with your personality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeelHappy Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I'd hate to have to start over, most of my friends are christians, but the kind who will drink with me. I just avoid giving my opinions on religion with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shadesofgray Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 Thanks again for te advice. I've contacted a volunteer organization so we'll see how that goes, but I'm looking forward to it. That meetup.com is a great resource! I'd never seen it before. Also, living sort of in the vicinity of Seattle, those are some depressing statistics, Voice, but I don't doubt them. This is a weird region :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I am always skeptical and often find myself feeling alienated due to being what others consider too analytical and too critical - being too curious, breaking things down and asking too many questions. So, in my geekdom while I was stateside, I attended several 2600 meetings (hackers! OMG!) see 2600.com. Besides that, music does it for me, whether playing in a group or attending concerts or listening at home. And, please let me include two crazy words that have worked very well for me: Salsa Dancing I love salsa. And I like to dance (I can't but I like to when I've had a few. I am very good at dropping it like its hot, I've been told). But I don't like to salsa dance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaraOlive Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 So many former church goers seem to miss the phony community the church provided. I think it's often the case that former church goers (if they were in an environment where Christianity was their entire life) come out of the church without having developed any of the social skills necessary to make "normal" friends, and get so tired of falling on their faces and not being able to connect to people. When I left fundamentalism, I had grown up with NO non-Christian friends or activities, and I made a complete social idiot of myself in a way that makes my skin crawl to remember. And the people I was failing to fit in with were mostly mainstream and nominal Christians, many of whom attended non-fundy churches - fundamentalism had left me unprepared even to deal with non-fundy Christians! Every time I embarrassed myself (by acting in a way that was normal in fundy-land), I got a little more depressed and wanted just one place where community and socializing were easy. I am not as introverted as many ex-C's seem to be, and having comfortable social interaction withheld from me with not one person from my past who understood was draining me of all my energy and caring. I don't know that there's any easy solution except to make yourself keep pushing on and try to find activities that you enjoy in and of themselves even if you aren't quickly making friendships. The good thing that I hope is true for many of you too is that seven years later, I no longer find it so hard to make friends. Even though there are no guarentees, connecting to people is a skill you can learn with practice. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrailBlazer Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 I'm having this issue. I was attending a UU fellowship for awhile, but then moved back to my hometown, which doesn't have a UU nearby. I went back to my old church for a bit just for the community, but it was super difficult to be there. There really isn't much "community" to be found there, sadly. My bf is deployed for the next ten months and I haven't had to make friends in years. Unfortunately I live in a hick town and finding nice people in their early twenties to hang around is difficult when you're picky about finding friends that are drug-free... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voice Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 Where abouts, shades? Send me an im if you're west of the water. Actually, Valk is out here too. He and I could send smoke signals we're so close, but we haven't met. He's on the next island, I'm on the mainland Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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